"We need to get into the same medical school!"

I just sit there, in the corner, and watch their conversation.

I'm eavesdropping, looking in from the outside, and wondering why
I can't share the same things with someone else.

Why doesn't someone share the same thoughts,
the same feelings,
the same desires?

These are the times when I feel like I need to get out of here.

I can't handle this much longer.



i'm so insecure around you.
Are we unnatural?
Maybe it's best that we'll drop it in the end.

I know this isn't how it's supposed to be.



maybe it wouldn't be any different elsewhere, though.
---

I can see myself falling in love with an adorkable boy.

Like today, in p. chem, when the prof made a joke that I found somewhat amusing,
but not amusing enough to laugh.
There was this guy in the front row who laughed audibly and smiled and the prof
looked over and smiled too.

I thought, "I could fall in love with a guy like that."

He wasn't particularly built or incredibly good-looking,
he was just kinda cute and adorkable.

I could be with someone like that.

Someone who trips over himself,
who smiles genuinely when he feels awkward or embarrassed,
who is willing to dance when he knows he's not dancing well,
but who laughs it off anyway.

Someone who tries to be mature,
who can talk queer theory
and politics and theology like the best of them,
but who's a little naive,
and part-kid through and through.

Someone who's not afraid to love,
and love fiercely,
even if it means
his heart is
open for me to touch.


I could really be with someone like that.

---

I'll sit here alone,
night after night,
the only one on this floor, it seems.

Does anyone actually want to be like this?
Maybe I just handle it as de facto for my life,
and it becomes almost the norm.

My Dream Back-Up Plan

If I don't get into medical school, here's my dream plan.

First Year

• First, work for about half-a-year... perhaps some lab work?  More lab work at the lab I've been at for the past 3 years?  (I might not actually mind doing it.  I've heard if you work at Rice, you get to take one free class per semester that you get actual credit for.  Maybe that only applies to some people working at specific jobs, though.  In any case, maybe I would take a semester of Arabic or Koine Greek?  Or maybe Modern Arabic would be too many credits and not qualify.  Ooh, if 5 credits were ok, maybe I could take the Ling department's Field Methods, actually, and get a head start on my second year primary plan.)
• While I'm working for that first half-year, apply for Marshall scholarship to study in the UK
• Then go to Bolivia for three months, maybe China/Singapore for three months.  Or maybe Bolivia for six.
• Plane ticket for Bolivia ~$1000 - $1500, and then $500 per month for food/accommodation/volunteering.  So  if I stay in Bolivia for six months, and can save up at least $4500 , with another ~$2000 for travelling (The Salt Flats of Uyuni during the rainy season! La Paz!  Maybe even Peru and Machu Picchu?), I should be good.  $6500 would be roughly 5 months of working if I worked full-time and got a net income of $8 an hour.
• I've never been to Singapore and thus have never met one of my dad's sisters (he only has two), and one of my cousins (I only have three cousins on both sides).  It'd be cool to see what Singapore is like.

Second Year

• Reapply for medical school
• Assuming I get the Marshall scholarhip, get a Master's in Language Documentation and Description in London in one year.  (*drool*)  If I don't... I suppose get some loans to pay for it?
• Alternate plan:  Get a Master of Divinity (also *drool*).  Maybe learn some Koine Greek in that degree to someday do Bible translation?  This would possibly be a three-year program, though.
• Alternate plan #2:  Get an MPH in a year or two.
• Alternate plan #3:  Go to beauty school and learn about barbering so I can cut my own hair (this may be done during the First Year instead).

Although the alternate plans would be expensive (an M. Div program at Duke would be a pricey $20,000 a year, not including food/accommodation/insurance!  D=  I wonder if they have good financial aid), they'd be pretty awesome.  And beauty school is something I just recently started entertaining... haha.  Kevin was rather taken aback that I was looking at barbering/cosmetology programs and was all like, "Who are you??" I suppose getting a certificate/degree in barbering would be a rather long route just to learn how to cut my own hair.  Still though.  Learning new things is cool.  I'd put culinary school on there too, if I didn't feel like I'm up to snuff for that.

Well, actually writing that all out makes me kind of really want to go through with all of this... =|

At the same time, I feel this urge to just get out and be useful to the world, and since I seem to currently see my "usefulness" through medicine, getting an MD and perhaps an MPH as soon as I possibly can would still be preferable.

From Singled Out

". . . Eugene Peterson provides us with an interesting starting point.  He references John Calvin's commentary on the Psalms when he asserts that "we must develop better and deeper concepts of happiness than those held by the world, which makes a happy life to consist in 'ease, honours, and great wealth.'" For many of us the desire to marry would fall under "ease." While marriage certainly is a lot of hard work (a truth to which all our married friends would attest) and it certainly has its share of trials, most singles think being married would make life easier.  We would have companionship and someone to turn to in a time of need; we would have an outlet for our sexual desires; we wouldn't have to worry about whom to bring to the company Christmas party; we would be accepted by the church.  But is this truly all that God has in store for us?  Peterson writes,

We live in a time when everyone's goal is to be perpetually healthy and constantly happy.  If any one of us fails to live up to the standards that are advertised as normative, we are labeled as a problem to be solved, and a host of well-intentioned people rush to try out various cures on us.  Or we are looked on as an enigma to be unraveled, in which case we are subjected to endless discussions, our lives examined by researchers zealous for the clue that will account for our lack of health or happiness.

Peterson's description of how people often react to those whose lives aren't "normative" and happy sounds remarkably like how the church reacts to those who are not married and even how society at large reacts to those who are not in a romantic relationship."

--pg. 134-135, Singled Out:  Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church

(I am loving this book!)

On the Political State of Bolivia

I happened to meet the nephew of Manfred Reyes Villa, who happened to be, like I think I said before, the 4-time mayor of Cochabamba and also the previous governor of the Cochabamba state, and who ran against the current president, Evo Morales, in 2010, but was the runner-up.  The friend who's coming up to the States in December (but actually can't make it to Urbana after all... the wedding she's going to the States for is unfortunately during that time) said that he lost because he made a fatal error that basically went against all that he stood for.

Carlos (the nephew) agreed, and said that his uncle sided with the previous president, thinking it would ensure him victory.  But it did the opposite.  However, Manfred is currently in the U.S. on political asylum and will be running for president again in 2014 (for the term 2015 - 2020).  Evo's kinda been out to get him, as I read this interview that Carlos posted on Facebook about how Evo's got his name up on Interpol or something, is trying to say that he's committed a bunch of crimes when he hasn't, and is convincing people to believe that Manfred is in hiding from Interpol.
Anyway, my friend said that had he won, he probably would've been one of the best presidents that Bolivia has ever seen.  I talked to a variety of people about what they thought of Reyes Villa, and opinions were mixed.  We'll see what happens in 2014.

Why do people like Evo?  Well, for one, he is of indigenous origin (specifically Aymara [one of my new favorite words, haha], also one of the three official languages of Bolivia [Spanish, Quechua, and Aymara]), and since Bolivia is majority indigenous, many people can identify with him.
There are things that don't add up, though, like how Evo has been apparently able to do a bunch of things that he shouldn't really be educated enough to do (I think he didn't finish the equivalent of high school.  Or at least he definitely did not get a college degree).  Some people feel like it's because he's actually really smart, but others say that it's really that Evo is just the face to make people happy, while it's his vice president that's running the show.

Álvaro García Linera is the VP.  Carlos said he's never met Evo (he says he never wants to, and I guess that makes sense why.  haha, although he said his dog has met him.  Apparently, before Evo was anything, and when his uncle was the mayor, Carlos' dog went up and knocked him over when Evo was visiting their house.  Gave him paw marks on his chest too.  Carlos was apparently just upstairs in his room), but he's met Álvaro.  He said he likes him, to which I was like, really?  And then he was like, well, he's nice.
I replied, "But isn't he the one who's like running the show?"
Carlos answered, "Yeah... oh, well, yeah, I guess he's not that great.  He's a terrorist."
To which I was like, Oh.  I thought it was just American over-sensitivity (Carlos was born in the States, lived in La Paz, Bolivia for like 7 years and graduated from an international high school there, and now goes to college in the States, where he's a senior) about terrorism, but looking at Wikipedia, Álvaro was actually arrested, convicted, and thrown in jail for terrorism.  Well.
Anyway, I also learned from someone in Cochabamba that Álvaro was also tutored by the previous President before Evo.  Which made me think... really, now?  Really? So all those posters and talk about Evo being the change... it's actually the graffiti that's more accurate when it says, "Evo la misma mierda (Evo the same s**t)."


During my second week or so, I had a nice long conversation with a girl from the church I went to down there as we were waiting for another person from the same church to accompany us to La Cancha, the big street market in Cochabamba (it was my first time going, and I'd kinda asked them to go with me since all the volunteers said not to go alone since I'd get lost).  Leslie, the girl, told me all about the suckiness of the situation of Bolivia.

For one, one of Bolivia's airplane companies, Aerosur, had just declared bankruptcy in the past couple of days and was shutting down.  Which kinda sucked for everyone, since some volunteers had plane tickets they needed to change immediately, and Aerosur wasn't about to refund that money (well, since they had declared bankruptcy, I think now they could get the money back).  In fact, I orginally had my plane tickets with Aerosur, but then they cancelled all international flights before I left, and this was a week before I was about to go.  But fortunately, Rice's travel agent noticed, scrambled to get me a comparably great deal with BoA, Bolivia's other airline.  Mac I think went on to file something against Aerosur to get Rice's money back.  Glad I didn't have to deal with any of that, haha.
But anyway, BoA is not just one of Bolivia's other airline.  It's now Bolivia's only airline.  Which happens to be owned by the government.  Leslie told me that in actuality, the government could have saved Aerosur.  It could have also saved another airline that had recently declared bankruptcy in the last couple of years too.  But it didn't.
Why is that?  Well, one can speculate that it's because now that the government has a monopoly on the airplanes going in and out of the country, it can jack up those prices.  It can also increase drug trafficking to other countries... all wonderful things for the people of Bolivia, I'm sure.

That made me pissed and sad... but I think apparently some wealthy American or some foreigner at least gave Aerosur a few million USD to start back up again.  When I was at the airport in July, though, Aerosur's kiosks were still empty.  Might be a while before they can get back on their feet.

Maybe this is just one reason why people say that Bolivia has one of the most corrupt governments in the Western Hemisphere.

Leslie continued to tell me about how some people are just gaining so much money from things like drug trafficking, and then hiding their money by buying all this real-estate and constructing huge buildings, as she pointed to some finished buildings or some being constructed around us.  Evo thus tells people that Bolivia is in great economic shape--just look at all these new buildings!  But in reality, it's just a facade.  It's not sustainable, and nor is it an indication that the poor are getting better.  Although I suppose more buildings at least means more jobs and eventually more business.  But at the same time, that whole, rich are getting richer thing, and not much else happening.

Leslie did talk about how she wanted to help out her country when she finishes her architecture degree.  She already has a degree I think in some kind of engineering, and so she wants to use all of that to help develop her country.  It was so nice to be able to talk to some Christians there, and hear their passion and trust in God during all of this.  =)  At the same time, though, she said that if Evo gets reelected, she might move out of the country for a while and study/work somewhere else.

Evo shouldn't get reelected, though, because he's already on his second term, and Bolivia's constitution only allows him to serve two terms.  Unless... oh,wait... yeah, you guessed it, he's trying to change the constitution so he can get another term.  Wonderful.

I think Manfred has a good chance of winning the election in 2014.  Carlos told me that if his uncle does become president, I'll be able to meet him!  Yay!  =)  (he also said that I'm one of his top three favorite other volunteers... =)  This was probably helped by my starstruckness and infatuation on him, which ended up with me paying him much more attention, lol) Part of me kinda wants Manfred to wait another term... because, well, if he wins two terms in a row, then that's 2015- 2025, and by 2022, I've just finished my residency if all goes well, and gotten my MD and MPH (really considering getting an MPH now, btw!  Man, how Bolivia has changed me), and am not ready to be useful enough to help out.  But if it were 2020 - 2030 or something, now then at least I'd have a few years under my belt.  Or maybe if Evo does change the constitution to include three terms and loses, 2015-2030.  Or 2020 - 2035 if Evo changes it and wins.  Then again, by 2035, Manfred would be 81.  D=

Carlos said he might go work for his uncle--he's not sure.  But the people who worked for his uncle before said that it would be good, he'd have a lot of connections after all.  I realize this is rather far-fetched and crazy, but if Carlos did end up working for the government and his uncle was the president, maybe I could work for them too.  Just a thought.  So a degree in Public Health would be pretty useful there.

Anyway, I think that's all that I wanted to say on the political situation so far.  I guess I'll be tuning in at the end of 2014 for the elections... seeing what happens to Bolivia.

I also feel slightly bad that I kind of care a bit more about the elections in Bolivia than I do in my own country, the U.S.  But at the same time, it's probably because I kind of have a more substantial connection with one of the candidates.


alsoo... slightly unrelated, but Manfred was the mayor when the Christ statue in my profile pic was being completed, and I guess he helped fund a lot of it to get it completed.  There's this plaque there around the statue that has his name in big letters at the top, haha.  Largest one in the world (if you don't include the crown on the one in Poland)... kinda crazy.

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