I seem to believe that not everyone is a child of God.
Not everyone is precious in God's eyes, not everyone should be saved, not everyone should receive His forgiveness and love.
Matthew 25:41-45
41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
I tend to forget that right after Jesus praises those for offering their food, drink, and hospitality, He condemns those who have been so stingy to not offer their time and resources to others. And for those who are hungry, physically or spiritually, I often callously throw them aside. Though they may not be actively seeking God, I have to take them into account.
Everyone I interact with, everyone I see, and even those who I don't... they all are meant to praise God for everything He's done for us.
...and that's where I stopped in mid-February... with a cliché ending and no definite decision. Lately I've been thinking about why I no longer feel like reaching out to people. Frankly, I just feel tired of it all. It wasn't until I read Dillon's blog (his post on July 25th, 2009, http://longlined.blogspot.com/2009/07/what-uppp.html which happens to be Dennis' birthday and one day before my own... xD) that I realized what I was missing: love. Of course, that might seem obvious, especially since I remember asking myself why I couldn't love people anymore.
But this love cannot come from myself. It only takes a few weeks for me to be fed up with people and tired of talking to them.
No, only Spirit-driven love can produce the kind of lasting fruits that satisfy.
Lord, please give me your passion to reach out and love others... no matter what I feel at the time.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Heart Motive
Hi, my name is David and I'm a Love-Me Time.
Dennis showed me a link about Heart Motives, and when he was describing the Love-Me motive, it sounded a lot like me. Once I started listening to the sermon on Love Me motive, I pretty much identified with everything the speaker was saying.
I'm still trying to apply what I've learned to my life and improve my sinful ways, but for now, there are a few things that really struck a chord with me.
For instance, the idea of "Chosens," people who you want their love the most, people whose full attention you desire people whom you get jealous of if they spend time with other people instead of you... I undeniably had/have chosens, and it is extremely annoying. I hate how someone can make me run through the gamut of emotions, and it's not a person I'm in love with or have a crush on. (at least, I don't think they are...)
Learning about that does make me feel a bit better, however. That means that Chris may not have been someone I was in love with, but merely a Chosen that I had at the time. While that may just be a matter of semantics, it at least sounds a little better.
*edit* 06/08/10
Well, I can see now that the "goal" for Love-Me Times is to treat everyone as if he or she were a Chosen. While I knew that when I wrote this post, I couldn't really see how to apply it. Now, though, when I feel grumpy about giving my time/effort to someone who's not my Chosen, I wonder if I would feel differently if the person were my Chosen. Nearly every time the answer comes up as "Yes," and I realize that I do need a change of heart after all. In those cases, I would be much more caring, much more understanding, and just much more loving.
Dennis showed me a link about Heart Motives, and when he was describing the Love-Me motive, it sounded a lot like me. Once I started listening to the sermon on Love Me motive, I pretty much identified with everything the speaker was saying.
I'm still trying to apply what I've learned to my life and improve my sinful ways, but for now, there are a few things that really struck a chord with me.
For instance, the idea of "Chosens," people who you want their love the most, people whose full attention you desire people whom you get jealous of if they spend time with other people instead of you... I undeniably had/have chosens, and it is extremely annoying. I hate how someone can make me run through the gamut of emotions, and it's not a person I'm in love with or have a crush on. (at least, I don't think they are...)
Learning about that does make me feel a bit better, however. That means that Chris may not have been someone I was in love with, but merely a Chosen that I had at the time. While that may just be a matter of semantics, it at least sounds a little better.
*edit* 06/08/10
Well, I can see now that the "goal" for Love-Me Times is to treat everyone as if he or she were a Chosen. While I knew that when I wrote this post, I couldn't really see how to apply it. Now, though, when I feel grumpy about giving my time/effort to someone who's not my Chosen, I wonder if I would feel differently if the person were my Chosen. Nearly every time the answer comes up as "Yes," and I realize that I do need a change of heart after all. In those cases, I would be much more caring, much more understanding, and just much more loving.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Step One
I struggle with homosexuality.
There. It's out, in the open. And while I've never explicitly said that phrase to anyone, I've more or less told people that. In the last couple of weeks, I had a deep conversation with Albert, and then with Susan and Caleb. Actually, the talk I had with Susan and Caleb just happened two days ago, and I still smile when I think of how stalkerish and freaking-out they were (e.g. looking through all my profile pictures for being gay [they decided on one where my arm was sticking outwards as a possible sign... but then realized i was probably just holding something]; planning out when to bring up my vaguebooking and how to confront me about possibly being gay; planning where Caleb would sit, where Susan would sit, and where I would sit; having crazor facebook message convos detailing what they were thinking)... to me, it shows that they care. And of course, everyone loves a little more spice and drama in their lives! xD
I digress, though. We had a four-hour conversation about it all... which unfortunately had to take place from about 2 a.m. to 6 a.m., while I still was writing my BIOS 211 paper. >_< But whatever. It was good to get it out there.
Recently, though, I've been feeling down for some reason. Maybe it's just telling people that I struggle with homosexuality and having long talks about it that has made me more introspective and therefore depressed. Or perhaps it's more that the three of them believe that it's not wrong, whereas I truly believe that it is. They tried to convince me that it is something that I shouldn't have to "struggle" with, necessarily... and I'm just kind of sick of trying to defend my position, but not being able to persuade anyone to believe that the views I hold are actually biblical and correct. I guess that could apply to many struggles, and isn't limited to just homosexuality.
I still can't quite--and I also don't want to--think of myself as gay. but i tell myself that maybe i don't have to. Regardless, I know God has a plan for all of this... so i'm willing to try and trust Him for now.
There. It's out, in the open. And while I've never explicitly said that phrase to anyone, I've more or less told people that. In the last couple of weeks, I had a deep conversation with Albert, and then with Susan and Caleb. Actually, the talk I had with Susan and Caleb just happened two days ago, and I still smile when I think of how stalkerish and freaking-out they were (e.g. looking through all my profile pictures for being gay [they decided on one where my arm was sticking outwards as a possible sign... but then realized i was probably just holding something]; planning out when to bring up my vaguebooking and how to confront me about possibly being gay; planning where Caleb would sit, where Susan would sit, and where I would sit; having crazor facebook message convos detailing what they were thinking)... to me, it shows that they care. And of course, everyone loves a little more spice and drama in their lives! xD
I digress, though. We had a four-hour conversation about it all... which unfortunately had to take place from about 2 a.m. to 6 a.m., while I still was writing my BIOS 211 paper. >_< But whatever. It was good to get it out there.
Recently, though, I've been feeling down for some reason. Maybe it's just telling people that I struggle with homosexuality and having long talks about it that has made me more introspective and therefore depressed. Or perhaps it's more that the three of them believe that it's not wrong, whereas I truly believe that it is. They tried to convince me that it is something that I shouldn't have to "struggle" with, necessarily... and I'm just kind of sick of trying to defend my position, but not being able to persuade anyone to believe that the views I hold are actually biblical and correct. I guess that could apply to many struggles, and isn't limited to just homosexuality.
I still can't quite--and I also don't want to--think of myself as gay. but i tell myself that maybe i don't have to. Regardless, I know God has a plan for all of this... so i'm willing to try and trust Him for now.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Blogs
After reading so many people's blogs, I've been thinking about some of the major lessons/key points that I learned from them. Here are a few that are particularly relevant to me right now:
- Sitting on my spiritually obese butt from eating all that spiritual food and not exercising (Jeff's blog)
- Using God's Word as a map for where I want to go, rather than for where God wants me to go (Ann's blog)
- Forgetting to put God at the foremost of my interests (Dennis' blog)
- The idea that favors in friendship are not about "giving" and "receiving," but rather both people are just happy to see one another (comment on Stacy's blog)
- Standing on the street corner giving out favors when our faithful God waits and waits for us to come back (Susan's blog)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sirch, Sirach, and Me
I kinda love the nickname/username I've given myself: Sirach.
On the outside, it is another name for Ecclesiasticus (not to be confused with Ecclesiastes), which is an intertestamental Jewish book, written in the early 2nd century B.C (*edit* learned the other day that while it's in the Protestant Apocrypha, it is part of the Roman Catholic OT. Interesting!).
In it, Ben Sira talks a lot about wisdom, and in the NT, Jesus quotes practically word-for-word from the book, but instead of Wisdom, He refers to Himself. This can be part of a powerful defense for the Trinity (see http://www.tektonics.org/jesusclaims/trinitydefense.html I love tektonics.org! Favorite apologetics website, hands-down), and I think oftentimes, Sirach is synonymous for Wisdom.
And so who doesn't love Wisdom? Who wouldn't want to have more of it in their lives?
Granted, I don't want to make others think that I believe I am wise (and therefore also incredibly arrogant). In order to see how and why I chose that name for my blog address and other usernames, one has to look on the inside.
The guy crush I had for 2 and 1/2 years was named Chris. At the time when I was obsessed with him, my friends and I were playing this MMORPG named Flyff, and so I made an anagram of his name and chose that as my username: Sirch.
I don't think anyone realized that it was an anagram of Chris until I told them, so for months I played happily under that guise. (Plus, I've always liked that feeling of being a knight, Sir whatever, and my character on Flyff also became a knight xD). When I found out about tektonics.org and James Patrick Holding's defense of the Trinity, I had already changed considerably from that obsession. So it was an easy switch to add an "a" in between Sirch to make Sirach.
Beautiful, huh? Add a letter and God turns years of pain and hurt into Himself, Wisdom incarnate. A... the beginning of everything, the start of a new life in Himself. Now I parade "Sirach" around as a proud reminder of what God has done in my life. I am so thankful for His grace, love, and patience in changing me. =)
I thought about that all because today I put in "meow" into my Gmail just to see what I would get. The oldest e-mail was me e-mailing AIM conversations of Chris and me to myself (since I was in China for many of our early conversations). I decided to read #12, and I wanted to stop halfway through because it was too painful, but I forced myself to finish. Then I moved to #13, and started reading... but I closed the window once it got too sappy.
That conversation was four-and-a-half years ago, and yet I'm certainly not to the point where I can read those and feel comfortable about myself. God has obviously been working in my life, but there are still some areas that I just can't deal with.
...yet. Someday I will, because I feel that someday I must.
I feel that way because my roommate's name is Christopher, a guy in my cell group's name is Chris, and my Best Buddy's name is Chris. Isn't that rather strange? I actually place a fair amount of importance on these kinds of little ironies and "signs," since God knows I love them (see above's Sirch -> Sirach), and I feel like He speaks to me through them. So... would this be a sign that I should try to restart my friendship with Chris? Maybe... but I don't know if I can deal with that now... I wouldn't even know where to start.
...These are excuses, of course, but I really don't know what else to say. i'll pray about it. =)
On the outside, it is another name for Ecclesiasticus (not to be confused with Ecclesiastes), which is an intertestamental Jewish book, written in the early 2nd century B.C (*edit* learned the other day that while it's in the Protestant Apocrypha, it is part of the Roman Catholic OT. Interesting!).
In it, Ben Sira talks a lot about wisdom, and in the NT, Jesus quotes practically word-for-word from the book, but instead of Wisdom, He refers to Himself. This can be part of a powerful defense for the Trinity (see http://www.tektonics.org/jesusclaims/trinitydefense.html I love tektonics.org! Favorite apologetics website, hands-down), and I think oftentimes, Sirach is synonymous for Wisdom.
And so who doesn't love Wisdom? Who wouldn't want to have more of it in their lives?
Granted, I don't want to make others think that I believe I am wise (and therefore also incredibly arrogant). In order to see how and why I chose that name for my blog address and other usernames, one has to look on the inside.
The guy crush I had for 2 and 1/2 years was named Chris. At the time when I was obsessed with him, my friends and I were playing this MMORPG named Flyff, and so I made an anagram of his name and chose that as my username: Sirch.
I don't think anyone realized that it was an anagram of Chris until I told them, so for months I played happily under that guise. (Plus, I've always liked that feeling of being a knight, Sir whatever, and my character on Flyff also became a knight xD). When I found out about tektonics.org and James Patrick Holding's defense of the Trinity, I had already changed considerably from that obsession. So it was an easy switch to add an "a" in between Sirch to make Sirach.
Beautiful, huh? Add a letter and God turns years of pain and hurt into Himself, Wisdom incarnate. A... the beginning of everything, the start of a new life in Himself. Now I parade "Sirach" around as a proud reminder of what God has done in my life. I am so thankful for His grace, love, and patience in changing me. =)
I thought about that all because today I put in "meow" into my Gmail just to see what I would get. The oldest e-mail was me e-mailing AIM conversations of Chris and me to myself (since I was in China for many of our early conversations). I decided to read #12, and I wanted to stop halfway through because it was too painful, but I forced myself to finish. Then I moved to #13, and started reading... but I closed the window once it got too sappy.
That conversation was four-and-a-half years ago, and yet I'm certainly not to the point where I can read those and feel comfortable about myself. God has obviously been working in my life, but there are still some areas that I just can't deal with.
...yet. Someday I will, because I feel that someday I must.
I feel that way because my roommate's name is Christopher, a guy in my cell group's name is Chris, and my Best Buddy's name is Chris. Isn't that rather strange? I actually place a fair amount of importance on these kinds of little ironies and "signs," since God knows I love them (see above's Sirch -> Sirach), and I feel like He speaks to me through them. So... would this be a sign that I should try to restart my friendship with Chris? Maybe... but I don't know if I can deal with that now... I wouldn't even know where to start.
...These are excuses, of course, but I really don't know what else to say. i'll pray about it. =)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
What I've Learned/Am Learning This School Year
--that I can act.
--that I am a frighteningly good trampoliner.
--that I am a frighteningly good trampoliner.
--that I am quite good at girl talk.
--that I remember random facts about random people and that that comes across as creepy.
--that my first impressions of people are usually negative and usually wrong.
--that no matter how fresh a start you have, old temptations don't magically disappear.
--that I can't do, or get into, a lot of things. And that I will fail countless more times in my life.
--that that's ok.
--that "I am not bound by my feelings and my feelings do not dictate who I am." (christopheryuan.com)
--that "I am not bound by my feelings and my feelings do not dictate who I am." (christopheryuan.com)
--that only Jesus can be your savior.
--that God is even more ironic than I could have imagined. =)
--that God transcends so much more than my little church and my little mind... but i think i'm just beginning to see that.
--that God transcends so much more than my little church and my little mind... but i think i'm just beginning to see that.
--that my self-worth is not inherent in myself, in my name, nor even in my actions, but instead in Jesus.
--that it doesn't matter to God if you fail in a task He's given you. It also doesn't matter if you succeed. It only matters that you obey. (although by obeying, you're already succeeding by His definition)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Invasive Measures
I owe my salvation to Mormonism.
But I am not, and never will be, LDS.
Long background info cut short, I had a "guy crush" for about two-and-a-half years (homosexuality is a whole 'nother topic by itself), and got out of it in Jan. 2007, just in time to rebound with my Mormon friend, Jackson. I felt like I should lead him to Christianity after I realized that Mormonism was radically different from evangelical Christianity. So I bought multiple books about Mormonism, and through one of the Christian bookstore websites, I bought I Don't Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist. Although it wasn't directly related to Mormonism, I thought it sounded really interesting. Afterwards, I was looking at the Amazon page of the Atheist, and found out about this random book called Furious Pursuit: Why God Will Never Let You Go. It also sounded interesting, so I decided to buy that book too (talk about a book-buying splurge...). While Furious Pursuit had quite a bit of feel-good Christianity, it really spoke to me, and for the first time, I got the Gospel message.
For years I had thought that salvation was a conglomerate of faith and works, similar to the LDS view. In reality, I found that everything had already been done for us--we just had to accept the sacrifice. Like a Christmas present with our name on it, Jesus is already there in front of us. All we need to do is accept His gift of grace.
Beautiful.
Everything seemed so much lovelier during those first few moments of realization.
And I'll always find it ironic that I would be doing much of my reading about the LDS and other Christian books while I was lifeguarding (our boss let us do our homework or whatever else while we were lifeguarding), since the gym was owned by an LDS family.
So during and after Urbana, I've felt a stronger calling to the Mormon population. Even just reflecting on this past month at Rice, I've already had several encounters with Mormonism:
The two times I went to HK Mall, Mormon missionaries were there. The second time, three of them came and talked to my friends and me while we were waiting for the bus. One of them happened to be from Grandridge, WA, and they said that one of the missionaries, who wasn't there with them at the time, was from Pasco, WA, one of the three cities that make up the Tri-Cities, where I'm from (actually the same city where my guy-crush was from too).
My grad student comes from a "very Mormon family," she says. I found out because she was going home one weekend to see her brother come home from his mission. She's not Mormon herself (I think she's atheist), though.
(I was freaking out earlier, however, because I noticed that someone had been on lds.org at our lab computer, and I was really curious to know who it was. Glad that got cleared up. xD )
The incredibleness of it all made me walk out of my lab in tears, simply amazed at God. =)
Last Thursday, Jackson called me and told me he was going to Argentina on June 2nd for his mission. Sunday, the pastor mentioned Mormonism briefly. Tuesday one of my fb friends that I made from Packrat/MouseHunt talked about how her dog was barking at the door, and after hushing her dog, she opened it to see who it was. When she realized it was two Mormon missionaries, she told her dog that they were morons and didn't know any better and to keep barking. I told her they could still use Jesus' love.
Treatment of the LDS will have to be a future post too. I get really frustrated at the people who look down on Mormons and callously throw them aside as idiots. But anyway, I digress.
Yesterday, Jon from stuffchristianslike.net for #706 (awesome blog. I found out about it again through Mormonism, in a rather roundabout way), referenced his post: "Stuff Christians Like: Being slightly less nice than Mormons." which the second comment really changed the whole aim of his site and made him focus on being honest with the site and what he had to say.
Haha, so before I get on too many tangents, the point is that God has been working Mormonism into a lot of my life, and I owe so much to it. It's really quite amusing/amazing. On the plane ride to Owl Days from Salt Lake to Houston, I sat by an LDS member, and we talked briefly about our faiths.
Where to go from here, though, I have yet to see.
But I am not, and never will be, LDS.
Long background info cut short, I had a "guy crush" for about two-and-a-half years (homosexuality is a whole 'nother topic by itself), and got out of it in Jan. 2007, just in time to rebound with my Mormon friend, Jackson. I felt like I should lead him to Christianity after I realized that Mormonism was radically different from evangelical Christianity. So I bought multiple books about Mormonism, and through one of the Christian bookstore websites, I bought I Don't Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist. Although it wasn't directly related to Mormonism, I thought it sounded really interesting. Afterwards, I was looking at the Amazon page of the Atheist, and found out about this random book called Furious Pursuit: Why God Will Never Let You Go. It also sounded interesting, so I decided to buy that book too (talk about a book-buying splurge...). While Furious Pursuit had quite a bit of feel-good Christianity, it really spoke to me, and for the first time, I got the Gospel message.
For years I had thought that salvation was a conglomerate of faith and works, similar to the LDS view. In reality, I found that everything had already been done for us--we just had to accept the sacrifice. Like a Christmas present with our name on it, Jesus is already there in front of us. All we need to do is accept His gift of grace.
Beautiful.
Everything seemed so much lovelier during those first few moments of realization.
And I'll always find it ironic that I would be doing much of my reading about the LDS and other Christian books while I was lifeguarding (our boss let us do our homework or whatever else while we were lifeguarding), since the gym was owned by an LDS family.
So during and after Urbana, I've felt a stronger calling to the Mormon population. Even just reflecting on this past month at Rice, I've already had several encounters with Mormonism:
The two times I went to HK Mall, Mormon missionaries were there. The second time, three of them came and talked to my friends and me while we were waiting for the bus. One of them happened to be from Grandridge, WA, and they said that one of the missionaries, who wasn't there with them at the time, was from Pasco, WA, one of the three cities that make up the Tri-Cities, where I'm from (actually the same city where my guy-crush was from too).
My grad student comes from a "very Mormon family," she says. I found out because she was going home one weekend to see her brother come home from his mission. She's not Mormon herself (I think she's atheist), though.
(I was freaking out earlier, however, because I noticed that someone had been on lds.org at our lab computer, and I was really curious to know who it was. Glad that got cleared up. xD )
The incredibleness of it all made me walk out of my lab in tears, simply amazed at God. =)
Last Thursday, Jackson called me and told me he was going to Argentina on June 2nd for his mission. Sunday, the pastor mentioned Mormonism briefly. Tuesday one of my fb friends that I made from Packrat/MouseHunt talked about how her dog was barking at the door, and after hushing her dog, she opened it to see who it was. When she realized it was two Mormon missionaries, she told her dog that they were morons and didn't know any better and to keep barking. I told her they could still use Jesus' love.
Treatment of the LDS will have to be a future post too. I get really frustrated at the people who look down on Mormons and callously throw them aside as idiots. But anyway, I digress.
Yesterday, Jon from stuffchristianslike.net for #706 (awesome blog. I found out about it again through Mormonism, in a rather roundabout way), referenced his post: "Stuff Christians Like: Being slightly less nice than Mormons." which the second comment really changed the whole aim of his site and made him focus on being honest with the site and what he had to say.
Haha, so before I get on too many tangents, the point is that God has been working Mormonism into a lot of my life, and I owe so much to it. It's really quite amusing/amazing. On the plane ride to Owl Days from Salt Lake to Houston, I sat by an LDS member, and we talked briefly about our faiths.
Where to go from here, though, I have yet to see.
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