please don't let it be him.

"David?  What are you doing here?"

I fumble out an unconvincing answer, and he invites me inside.


"What does that smell remind you of?"

It reminds me of you.  Of freshman year.  Of anticipation and hope for a new friendship.  But I don't say that.  I can't bring myself to.


"Do you have painful memories of Rice?  ...What's the most painful?"

"Not being cared for in the way that I wanted to be cared for."  Unintentionally, my words are thinly veiled and I wonder if he connects the dots.

We move on to a different topic.  I feel somewhat relieved.

---

We hug and his tears wet my shoulder.  My fingers trace their outlines after he steps away into conversation with someone else.  He gets +points from me for this.

I don't cry back.  I wonder if that's because I'm drained from human interaction, or if I don't allow myself to feel, or if I just don't care enough because it doesn't matter that much, does it?

---

When did I become the jokester?  I didn't know my default is to want to lighten the mood.  I always thought my default was introspective Debbie Downer... ok, it probably still kind of is.

maybe I'm learning the balance between the two.  Or maybe it's because I don't want to go deep anymore.  This year... man, this year.  I don't think I've felt more closed off in any other year.