In Solution Chemistry,
some compounds dissolve quite readily,
no matter what they're paired up with.
But there are not enough reactants
in this world
to let me be aqueous
all the time.
I am silver.
And the world is made up of Halides and Sulfates.
They can make anything part of the solution.
Except for me.
I am almost never soluble.
What happens when you're only seen as a precipitate?
When you draw out things people wish could stay hidden,
dissolved in liquid,
invisible.
When your very existence is something
others wish wouldn't happen?
What happens when you're never wanted?
When you're stuck in a liminal state
between two worlds
desperately trying to find your place
find your calling
find your voice
but no one wants to save you a seat
speak your name
hear you out.
When some say they're grateful for you
there will always be those who respond,
Oh really?
questioning your worth
wondering how anyone could see your benefit.
Because you're a troublemaker
you cause phase division
You are out
to promote your own selfish agenda
and raise awareness
about something no one else cares about.
One hundred eighteen elements to date
and you're the awkward combination of
quarks
that don't fit anywhere.
People appreciate the way silver
keeps the economy running
but they never care about it as Argentum
as Ag+
as 47 protons
and 60 neutrons
give or take a few.
But if you want me here.
You're gonna have all of me.
You'll have the pros and cons
the solubility constant
the electronegativity
the heat capacity
the reduction potential.
There are those
who will want to put me away
lock me up
only to be used
when they want
a coin of silver.
But I want to mingle
with the other elements
see what compounds I can draw out
see what solutions can come about.
I have worth.
Beyond just my market value.
But what happens when people only see you as a distraction?
When you're the crap at the bottom that they want to sweep away?
Yet even when a compound precipitates out
onto the beaker floor,
it's still part of the solution
if you'll let it be.
I want to be part of the solution.
Will you let me be?
Ending: 10/10
ReplyDeletePremise/meaning: 10/10
The rest, I'm really not sure. It's little too obvious for my liking. The best analogies or metaphors are not the ones that beat you over your head in comparing the two things. So when you give it away from the beginning with "I am silver". That was automatically an eh, amateur poem feel.
Similarly, when writing about important topics... stating that it's important by yourself lessens the impact. "... and raise awareness
about something no one else cares about."
Too much telling, not enough showing. That sentence is more of an angsty teenage poem than one on a topic you care about.
Also, there's a weird transition from "you" to "I". If you reread it, sometimes you talk about "you" as yourself, and then later you bring yourself into first-person. It's a little awkward.
Also, structure... it really doesn't have the cadence of a poem. It's not quite a narrative poem, and it's definitely not anything else. So it's like a quasi-free verse poem. But it just really feels like there's no structure/direction.
I'd probably rework the poem again?
Oh yeah. there are some weird tones in here too. You go from super science-y (which is fine), and then drop this line in: "But if you want me here.
You're gonna have all of me."
Which reminds me more of a pop song than anything else. Mmmm feels misplaced.
In the end, it's your poem and your emotions (which I can definitely see in it). Feel free to disregard what I say as you wish.
Aww, thanks so much for all of your feedback, Karen!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I wrote this in a couple days to try and see if I would want to perform it at my school's talent show. A lot of it is passive-aggressive pointedness at my school's administration, using words they've said to me or about me, which is why there's much more telling than showing. Yeah, the cadence is supposed to be more spoken-wordy.
Like you were saying, I did wonder how obvious to make the analogy. After all, many people in the show's audience hadn't taken chemistry before--or even if they had, they might not remember solution chemistry. But then again, maybe the concept is self-explanatory and obvious enough that it doesn't need more explanation. =\ but yeah, thanks for the feedback! It was too late to sign up to share it, and sharing it at the talent show probably would have gotten me in trouble... and potentially expelled. =|