Megan tells me about her desire to see gay Christians mobilized to do Bible translation. She tells me that W should want me. That they should be sad that they don't have me. That PBT, the organization she's part of, should be sad that they don't have me. That I have all the right skills and that I'm the perfect person who should be a part of PBT.

For the most part, I think I'd much rather be a family physician. But I'd also really love having my job be just going to a place and practicing/learning the language of wider communication and then settling in to learn the minority language and do community development and other stuff with it. And I feel a tinge of envy that some of my friends will be able to do that and just devote their lives to it. Maybe someday. Maybe even both jobs.

---

One of my friends (~acquaintance) was at graduation and told me that she laughed out loud when they announced my name. Whereas the other graduates had descriptions like "So and so is going on to serve in Papua New Guinea as a translation consultant," I just had "David Wang, in absentia, is continuing his studies." That was because when the Dean of Academic Affairs asked what we were doing after graduation in an e-mail, I could only stomach ticking off the box "School." I didn't even respond to any of the e-mails asking if I was going to be present at graduation, which was last Friday.

---

Last night was my last night in Dallas. After a small going-away party that my grad school friends held for me, I drove across the street to GIAL, started walking around by myself at 10 PM and eventually began saying, "I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you." to so many doors, rooms, and buildings. I let the scenes of memory fade in and out, reflecting on the excitement I had to continue learning linguistics when I got here, how nervous I was that I would be an awful student, how happy I was during my first semester, and how invalidated I felt as a human being as second year went on. How maybe someday, I'll be okay enough to join a Bible translation organization.  But then again, I don't even know if I'll ever be okay enough to consistently go to a church anymore and not feel like I'm dragging myself to go each week.

I said "I forgive you" so many dozens of times as if saying it more would make it true. I forgive the people who (to me) didn't do enough. I forgive the people who left to do other things. I forgive the people who ruined my experience at the school. I forgive the people who were just ruled by a corrupt system that sees LGBTQ people as automatically lesser and "worse Christians." I forgive the people who just wanted me gone from campus already.

There's a hallway in one of the buildings where various important linguists or GIAL people have their headshots framed with a little description underneath them. One of the frames is a mirror, with a description that says something like, "This great future linguist graduated from a small but quality school focused on helping minority people groups." I've always thought it was rather cute.

I stood in front of that mirror and told myself, "I forgive you. I forgive you."

I forgive myself for coming here. I forgive myself for not doing more. I forgive myself for doing so much. I forgive myself for running away. I forgive myself for despairing. I forgive myself for wishing for non-existence.

I forgive myself.

Back to Blogging(?), Randomness, and Liberation Theology

I haven’t blogged in a while. And I still have what Ann told me at her wedding echoing in my mind—something to the effect of, “You should blog more!—which I felt honored by the fact that she wanted to listen to my thoughts more. Karen also told me that I should get back into blogging, and I thoroughly enjoy reading her blog, Ann’s blog, and so many others’ blogs.

I’m not entirely sure why I had such a precipitous drop in blogging. I think part of it is because blogging was a primary source to pour out my angsty feelings, and I don’t keep so many of those angsty feelings to myself right now. I suppose that’s a positive thing, as it signifies that I have people I can chat with about whatever I need.

Not that I couldn’t have done that in college. (A little bit of a sidetrack here as I explain a bit about my personality.) I’m pretty much an open book and have a sort of internal policy that if someone asks me a question about myself, I will pretty much tell them the truth, no matter how personal the question is (although I find myself kind of throwing this principle out the window when I’m in interviews… I’d like to say that my nervousness gets the better of me, but part of it is that I just want to look good too, and that sometimes results in a little embellishment of truth). Coupled with that is my priority for not giving people more info than they want and boring them with my personal info. I suppose the key is persistence and asking the right questions. If you’re just gonna ask me, “How are you?” I might not respond with much more than “Good” or “Alright” because I need to know that you really want to hear the long, drawn-out answer. Chances are I only hold back that drawn-out answer because I’m hesitant to believe that you actually want to hear about it. It also saves me the trouble of hashing through that answer only to be disappointed by your lack of interest, haha.

Anyway, even though I’ve used my blog primarily for the angst-relieving-ness (and I’ve stood by that because this is my blog and I feel like I should just write whatever I want to write), I also feel like I should also use it to update people and to process some more about my own life. I mean, heck, I was reading through some of my older posts/drafts, and that stuff can be CRYPTIC. I’m like, man, I wish I had given myself more clues to figure out what the heck I was all sad about here. But I didn’t, and now I don’t know what I was talking about or thinking about here. haha.

Moving on from that semi-explanation about why the lack of blogging, an update on my life. I’m currently writing this on a cruise from Ft. Lauderdale to the East Caribbean with my parents, grandma, and aunt and uncle. I work only occasionally, and spend most of my time playing games, watching TV, reading articles/books that interest me. Life’s pretty great, to say the least, haha. I graduated from GIAL in December, and am pretty much done with that school and its craziness. I’ve been pretty shaken-up by the ordeal and have developed a general mistrust of Christian culture, and conservatism to an extent as well.

Let me explain a little bit more about that. I figured out a couple weeks ago what some of my distaste in Christian stuff comes from when my church in Dallas invited a children’s choir from an orphanage in Uganda to perform. They were singing about how God was all powerful and so great and everything and the lyrics were in these flashy fonts and animation, and there were all these happy-clappy people in the audience singing along and I felt a little sick from seeing it all. I felt my head reel a bit. And a lot of general Christian sentiment (maybe they’re more Christian platitudes?) makes me feel much more uncomfortable than it did in the past.

It’s not like I don’t believe that God is all powerful and great and mighty and etc. I think the feeling comes from realizing that there are so many Christians who believe those same things, but think about other things in a completely different way than I do. And sometimes, I feel like, “Oh, how interesting that God works both in conservative and in liberal mindsets and that we’re all one big, beautiful, messy Body of Christ.” But usually I feel like those different ways of thinking can easily (and do easily) result in damaging practices. And the fact is that they don’t even notice—or really particularly care—that their way of thinking can be so damaging.

It’s made me hesitant to pray much, read my Bible much, and to a much greater degree, memorize Bible passages, because the administration at GIAL did all of those things and they still believed in their decision to discriminate against me and silence me. They prayed so much about their decisions, and chasing me away from campus without an apology was what they decided on. The faculty/staff who were upset that I was still even on campus probably didn’t have people challenging them or fighting on my behalf and what ended up happening is that fear won. Their fear of losing donors and losing other students besides me trumped their decision to act in a compassionate and considerate manner towards me.

The world suddenly became way more unpredictable to me. And although I can certainly see the good that going through my education at GIAL and persevering through those trials did for me, at the end of the day, it wasn’t at all what I thought was going to happen going into the school. I thought it was great that I was going to go to a Christian school so that I could better figure out my faith and sexuality—and while I think I did figure things out much more, I never imagined it would be partly from being oppressed for my sexuality.

Realizing the randomness that comes with humans/the universe was disturbing. There are no safeguards when it comes to humans. It doesn’t always matter that you prayed so much and “felt at peace” about the situation; you can still screw things up horribly. And I certainly don’t think you always “feel at peace” when you’re doing something that God wants you to do. Sometimes, you feel great turmoil. That doesn’t mean it isn’t the right decision. But even feeling turmoil can’t be some kind of reliable predictor of what to do. Sometimes, everything goes wrong even when you did all the “right Christian things.”

I don’t think that’s something that’s talked about much. I mean, that point about how you can still severely delude yourself about what’s right is usually glossed over by making everyone feel more at ease with reminders about God’s sovereignty and grace over all situations and it’s okay because everything will be fine in the end!!

This is where my slow and continuing crawl into liberation theology and racial minority theology would depart from the traditional mindset that I would go into.

I’ve been reading Rescuing Jesus: How People of Color, Women, & Queer Christians Are Reclaiming Evangelicalism by Deborah Jian Lee after I got a signed copy at the Gay Christian Network Conference this year in Houston (which, interestingly, happened on the third and four floors of the Hilton and the third floor of the George R. Brown Convention Center just a week or so after HCC hosted the Chinese Missions Conference in the same place [plus I think the 5^th floor of the Hilton]), and it’s been a book that I’ve been wanting to read for months ever since I read the title, haha. And some of the things in the book, which is mostly a journalist’s description of various movements in Evangelicalism, have been shocking. 

For instance, the fact that Billy Graham “declined the 1963 invitation to King’s famous ‘I Have a Dream’ speech, responding, ‘only when Christ comes again will little white children of Alabama walk hand in hand with little black children’” (page 29). Although as Lee notes later, Graham did apologize for his actions and how they helped perpetuate racism. 

But that kind of focus about how everything will be alright in the end can seriously impede work that leads to justice. It certainly placates those who are too lazy (or too invested) to change the status quo, but it does nothing for the oppressed. And I heard a similar sentiment from one member of the administration. That people just weren’t ready for changes now, but the landscape would change radically in a decade and I should just be quiet and wait for that. Not really sure why that person didn’t just fight for the change that she herself thought was inevitable and (I think) positive. I guess it was just something she didn’t feel was important enough.

The point I wanted to note about white theology is found in this excerpt in the book: 

"What the schism [between how black and white evangelicals interpret the world] comes down to is a gap between how much weight each side gives to individual responsibility, on the one hand, and systemic oppression, on the other. Evangelicals focus on personal responsibility as a core element of their faith, Emerson and Smith note:  if you want to live a positive, moral life, you and you alone are responsible for maintaining a healthy personal relationship first with Christ, and then with others.

For white evangelicals, this position is absolute; any social problems are seen as rooted in negative relationships and poor choices. There is little room for any way of thinking that places the blame for social conditions outside the individual. We see this in the multitude of worship songs and sermons that focus on the individual’s personal faith narrative; collective sin is typically ignored.

On the other hand, black evangelicals value personal responsibility but also understand that unfair systems and history deeply impact social circumstances and the fate of those subject to these systems. This is evidenced in theology that emphasizes deliverance for the oppressed and a salvation that is collective—as opposed to individual—in nature. These themes have translated into the language of civil rights and cohesive community action, which has its origins in the black church.

The segregation of churches around these radically different perspectives has given rise to a white theology that, developed in isolation, routinely invalidates black beliefs. This, in turn, has helped feed white evangelical support of policies and institutions that carry out black oppression.”

I am trying to wrap my brain around that, around the idea that maybe the Gospel to me in my situation right now as a queer Asian person is a "theology that emphasizes deliverance for the oppressed." In a sense, I've already been delivered from GIAL through graduating, but in another sense, those wounds of spiritual/psychological abuse still linger in my head. I often feel like I am barely holding on to my faith, or at least, the communal, church aspect of it. I still go on Sundays and on Wednesdays every week that I can and I serve on the Hospitality Team once or twice a month, but in most of those settings, I sometimes feel like I'm barely able to participate.

I dunno, we'll see what happens. 

On Being Silenced

Please read this post first so you have context.

This is the a post that I wrote for the Side B Community on Facebook on March 2nd, 2015.  It's pretty much gotten as bad as it could get without me getting expelled.

---

March 2nd, 2015

I've been running out of straws for my school for a while now. I do still enjoy classes. And I was hoping to take a class called "Arts for a Better Future" over the summer where we learn how to empower communities using their arts, and how every community has arts that can be drawn upon for a better future. I wanted to do my final project on an LGBTQ community (either you all if that could have worked, or LGBTQ youth here in Dallas). Unfortunately, when I asked if I could do that, I got shut down by the Dean of Academic Affairs (the same person who gave me my probation) with no other reason than that that would be inappropriate based on my school's community standards (which they just implemented this semester—thanks to me! They also put in a dress code, also thanks to me—and yet the only relevant passage to gay people says, "GIAL community members are to demonstrate high moral character by behavior whose moral conduct is consistent with the standards of Scripture. This includes, but is not limited to, abstaining from sexual relations outside of heterosexual marriage, homosexual behavior, child or spousal abuse, and from advocating any such behaviors.”).

Hypocrisy aside of how "virtually all communities have arts that can be drawn upon for a better future" as the syllabus for that class says, I just could NOT understand his reasoning for why. He said, “Since the ABF course presents the work of the students at a GIAL chapel near the end of the term, any project done with the LGBTQ community in mind is going to work directly against the stated Community Standards.” And I responded, “Oh, I didn't know that this class was presenting in chapel. Although maybe presenting in chapel is Applied Arts and not this class? This is an intensive class which meets for only one week on campus over the summer, from June 13 - June 18th. As far as I can tell from the syllabus, there is nothing about presenting in chapel, nor did I think there even was chapel in the summer during June 13 - June 18th. The rest of the class is online, so does that mean that students are Skyping in to present at GIAL chapel sometime during Session 1?

I'm willing to be flexible about how my research project is being presented to others. For example, if students themselves are not presenting their work as part of the class for a grade, and it's merely the instructors doing the presenting to illustrate the class, then I'd be happy to simply have my work left out, or talked about in more vague terms. We do that for work done in sensitive areas, so could we not also do that for this case?”

To which his only response was, “David, even if I am wrong about where the presentation is being made, the answer is still no.”

Oh ok. That’s not completely invalidating at all. I didn’t say that I was thinking about doing my project with you all, a Side B LGBTQ community, because I didn’t think that I had to screen out communities based on their sexual ethics for an academic anthropological endeavor.

Anyway, I had a highlight at the time of my school, where my Cultural Anthropology teacher invited me to speak for an entire day in his class about gender and sexuality. When I was taking his class Fall 2013, he allowed me to speak for 20 minutes or so about what being a gay Christian meant to me, and he enjoyed my presentation so much that he wanted to dedicate an entire day to it the next time he taught. So, this semester, he invited me to just speak about whatever I wanted, and I basically went to town with 160+ slides about most of what I could think about in terms of LGBTQIAP. I used a lot of excerpts from various bloggers in this group, actually, and it was glorious. Even though there were only five students in the class (and three friends of mine that I invited came), I thought I got through a lot of good, challenging info, and the students would have my presentation afterwards to look through the excerpts that I talked about and to mull over these issues. I had informed the professor that I was in tricky ground with the administration, and he responded that he hadn’t told anyone that I was doing this presentation, and to not say anything directly critical of the administration. So I didn’t, and we set up a time to talk about everything that had gone on with the t-shirts and the behavioral probation last semester since he was unaware of those things. The professor warned the class multiple times that what I was going to say was my views only, and not my school’s, and that he was taking full responsibility for what is said.
That presentation happened on February 13th. On the 19th, I received this email from the Dean of Academic Affairs.

“David, I understand that you were invited to speak in the Cultural Anthropology class the other day on homosexuality. I am disappointed that you accepted the invitation. You have disrupted the cohesion of the GIAL community again. I have received complaints and have a student who considered withdrawing from GIAL over our perceived acceptance and advocacy of homosexuality. This is unacceptable to me.

As far as I am concerned, your acceptance of the invitation to speak in Cultural Anthropology clearly violates the behavioral probation that says you will not be involved in any leadership positions at GIAL. I consider being a guest lecturer at GIAL a leadership position. In light of the behavioral probation and the new Community Standards you should have declined the invitation. In attempting to protect your privacy and reputation, I did not make the faculty aware of your behavioral probation. I assumed that you would self-police. Since I cannot trust your wisdom on the issue, I need to be much more explicit. So let me be very clear. You will not speak about homosexuality in any class or official meeting at GIAL. You will not make the issue part of any assignment you have in any class. If you do speak out, write about, or in any way advocate on any aspect of the homosexual issue, you will be asked to leave GIAL immediately.

I have spoken to you about this. I have put you on behavioral probation. I have told you that you cannot use the homosexual issue in your course assignments. Now I am telling you that you cannot speak at all on the homosexual issue at GIAL. If you dislike or disagree with any of this, you are free to withdraw from the school, but none of this is open for negotiation.

This is your final warning.”

Yay, I, and the rest of the queer community are simply "the homosexual issue" now! We are no longer human in his eyes.

I’m not sure what reaction you all feel from this, but it makes me want to throw up. I want to throw up, and then I want to throw up over the Dean, and then I want to throw up over the random anonymous student who complained, who didn’t even have the decency to come to me or the professor with their concerns.

And I am also just so confused and angry. I don’t think I quoted from someone who wasn’t Side B (minus statistics from various studies and an infographic about sexual/gender identity and sex)—not that I would have been opposed to doing so, since this is a COLLEGE COURSE ABOUT CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGY. At the end, my advice to people was just to be a friend to LGBTQ people and to trust the Holy Spirit to guide their lives like we trust the Holy Spirit to guide us, and that if the person in question isn’t Christian, that maybe talking about Jesus and God first is more important than about sexual ethics. And I had a slew of statistics about LGBTQ health disparities and youth homelessness and said that maybe sexual ethics wasn’t the most important thing that LGBTQ people have to deal with?

And I guess that, perhaps with whatever descriptive talk I had about LGB identities, trans*, intersex, asexuality, and celibate partnerships that was just too much “acceptance and advocacy of homosexuality” for that student. Who, in all likelihood, since there were only 5 students and I know three of them, was a 40 or 50-something man or woman. I want to scream at that person, “GROW THE EFF UP. YOU ARE IN GRADUATE SCHOOL, AT A SCHOOL WHERE YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO BE CHRISTIAN.”

Also, using my behavorial probation as a reason for why I shouldn’t be a guest lecturer is just completely circumstantial. Confusingly, it implies that if I were not on behavorial probation, that I would be allowed to give this presentation, which I’m pretty sure is not what he wants. But in any case, it never crossed my mind, or any of the multiple people who I told about this presentation who knew about my probation that this would be in violation of my probation. The Dean probably isn’t aware that I already gave a shorter presentation when I was taking Cultural Anthropology.

Finally, it is so, so frustrating that he’s so scared of that student withdrawing, but he’s totally fine with just letting me leave the school.

Anyway, now I just don’t know what to do with this place. I really do not want to quit, as I plan on graduating in the fall, which is just so close. I was planning on appealing my probation, but it sounds like the Dean is ready to expel me if I make another move. I was also thinking about showing his email to my friends who were also in the presentation and asking them if they thought this was a fair assessment of what I said. I have friends/family who want me to go to local news or the accreditation agency or look into taking legal action/advice. But I want to apply to medical school, and making trouble or getting expelled could be really really hard to explain to admissions boards.

Anyway, what do you all think about this all? It’s vaguely reminiscent of Erskine College, except I’d argue that my school is currently taking the cake on “banning homosexuality.” Not as bad as the school that Katrina **** went to where they expelled a Side B student for coming out at least.

And please, prayers for everyone involved and for my cardiovascular health because this much anxiety and stress cannot be good for me.

On Behavorial Probation

I'm lazy/don't know if I want to rewrite and relive everything, but yet I feel like I should update people on what's been going on.  The following is something I wrote for a secret group on Facebook that I'm part of.  It's a group of (mostly) LGBTQ people who (mostly) hold to Side B ideals, which has been great and I've been learning a lot from them.

I wrote this back on Nov 7th, 2014, so pretend like it's 4 months ago...

----

Nov 7, 2014

So I was almost expelled from my graduate school yesterday.

Apparently, a couple of people in the dorm (just passing by, related to on-campus organizations, but not to the school) have seen me and the other gay student hugging, and deemed our hugging as inappropriate/too sexual/more-than-friends. So, they complained, and the Center that my school is on told my school that since we're students at this school, they should deal with it.

Instead of giving us a warning or something, the Dean of Academic Affairs (for some reason, the DAA handles disciplinary action and not the Dean of Students here?) asked us to meet him individually and gave us both a behavioral probation (my friend on Monday, and me on Tuesday), which I attached to this post.

Basically, we aren't allowed to be in each other's dorm rooms alone without the door open (reasonable--the rules at the dorm are no members of the opposite-sex in a room with the door closed), no physical contact that could be construed as intimate, and no being a leader at my school. Failure to observe these terms would result in expulsion. Since I'm president of the Student Body Association, I have to step down, technically immediately, although they're letting me finish out the term which ends in December.

I kind of want to resign immediately because of all of this, but at the same time, my school needs an SBA to be accredited and I don't want to just throw them under the bus for what they're doing to me. They see it as not "dragging me through the mud" but every person I've talked to about this has been outraged and perplexed at the administration as to why I didn't get a warning for doing something that I didn't even know could lead to behavioral probation. The only conduct guideline we have (besides you know, things that are against the law like abuse/sexual harassment) is in the Catalog as "their conduct should honor Christ in all activities on and off campus" which is what they're putting us under probation for. What infuriates me is that they don't know my, or my friend's, life. It's been a difficult semester (see my previous post about t-shirts), and the hugs have been tension/stress-releasing, which I think is Christ-honoring. Supporting my best friend here is Christ-honoring, I thought?

Also, you don't even have to sign a statement of faith to come here, so non-Christians can come to the school. Apparently, the DAA told us that non-Christians would be expected to abide by Christian moral standards (makes sense, they're an institution and can have whatever standards they want) as well, but I'm not sure how they will abide by what they deem as Christian ethics when the only conduct policies are the typical no abuse/sexual harassment, and "honor[ing] Christ in all activities on and off campus."

Anyway, the DAA was kind enough to let us take the document home and process it, and apparently he got flack for not just making us sign it on the spot. We asked about the appeal process on Wednesday, and he told us about it yesterday, but also in that email told us that we had to get the document back to him by the end of the day, or be expelled. In which case, we wouldn't be able to appeal, so we pretty much had to sign it, but we could write "Under protest" to indicate that we weren't agreeing with the decision/process.

Strangely, the DAA kept telling us that this was the "most redemptive" way he could think of, and the "most gentle" way to do this. He thought that the Center was extremely gracious--he thought they were going to kick us out of the dorm and my school would have to fight for us to even be students here, so I guess in light of that, this situation is better than that. But he also told us that he could have given us a warning, and the Center would have allowed that, but he chose not to.

Comments/questions/thoughts about the whole situation? Are they being unjust? I'd like to hear what you think. I've been in tears, anxious to the point where I can't sleep at night, and just scared. Like, man, I am SO close to being expelled. Never thought I'd say that. I wish I had known it'd be like this before deciding to come to the school.

Some friends have encouraged me by saying that God will use this for good. And I believe that. I can see an important conversation to be had about what is the conduct that is actually expected of students here, and for making rules about that. I realize that some people last time said to fight against them implementing a dress code, but I'd rather they put in a dress code than just put people on probation for violating some dress code in the administration's head.

But still... I'm tired of the Christian cray here.

Part of the Precipitate

In Solution Chemistry,
some compounds dissolve quite readily,
no matter what they're paired up with.

But there are not enough reactants
in this world
to let me be aqueous
all the time.

I am silver.

And the world is made up of Halides and Sulfates.

They can make anything part of the solution.
Except for me.
I am almost never soluble.


What happens when you're only seen as a precipitate?
When you draw out things people wish could stay hidden,
dissolved in liquid,
invisible.
When your very existence is something
others wish wouldn't happen?

What happens when you're never wanted?
When you're stuck in a liminal state
between two worlds
desperately trying to find your place
find your calling
find your voice

but no one wants to save you a seat
speak your name
hear you out.

When some say they're grateful for you
there will always be those who respond,
Oh really?
questioning your worth
wondering how anyone could see your benefit.

Because you're a troublemaker
you cause phase division
You are out
to promote your own selfish agenda
and raise awareness
about something no one else cares about.

One hundred eighteen elements to date
and you're the awkward combination of
quarks
that don't fit anywhere.

People appreciate the way silver
keeps the economy running
but they never care about it as Argentum
as Ag+
as 47 protons
and 60 neutrons
give or take a few.

But if you want me here.
You're gonna have all of me.
You'll have the pros and cons
the solubility constant
the electronegativity
the heat capacity
the reduction potential.

There are those
who will want to put me away
lock me up
only to be used
when they want
a coin of silver.

But I want to mingle
with the other elements
see what compounds I can draw out
see what solutions can come about.

I have worth.
Beyond just my market value.
But what happens when people only see you as a distraction?
When you're the crap at the bottom that they want to sweep away?

Yet even when a compound precipitates out
onto the beaker floor,
it's still part of the solution
if you'll let it be.

I want to be part of the solution.
Will you let me be?

Peter in the Garden by Melinda Selmys

"Christ’s action in the Garden is radical. When Christ reaches out and heals the High Priest’s servant, He does not see Himself as healing the enemy. That’s our category, our perspective. He saw Himself as healing the ear of the beloved: He had come to give His life for this man, just as much as He had come to give it for Peter. This is where we find the scandal of the Cross in Gethsemane. I suspect it’s also part of the reason why Peter got into such a funk in the courtyard outside of the High Priest’s house. Peter was ready to die for Christ, and to die with Christ: he had declared this publicly, and he proved it when he stood to fight at Christ’s side. To conceive of Peter’s denial in the courtyard as an act of cowardice is to miss the psychological unity of the narrative: Peter denies Christ here because something happened to his courage between the moment when he drew his sword and the moment that he said “I do not know him.” These words have a particular poignancy if we consider that, in a sense, Peter may really have meant them. Not “I don’t know the man” in the sense of “I don’t know who he is,” but “I don’t know the man” in the sense that He is not who Peter thought. In Gethsemane Christ confronts his most ardent defender with a mystery that Peter cannot understand, and that he is not yet ready to accept. The mystery of a lover who is willing to lay down His life for the sake of those who persecute Him.

… 

So what does the story of Peter in Gethsemane teach us? First, that our way is not Christ’s way. We are to sheathe our swords. Specifically, we are to sheathe them in order to provide an opportunity for Christ to do His healing work. So long as we are fighting against the LGBTQ community, or for that matter any opposing group within the culture war, we are wounding their ears: we are preventing them from being able to hear the message of Christ’s love. Not that Christ’s love for the servant of the High Priest comes in the form of a word. Christ says nothing to this man. He heals him. It brings to mind a saying of Francis of Assissi “Preach the gospel everywhere, and if necessary use words.”


Second, that if we sheathe our swords there will be a terrible darkness. Why do we take up the sword, why fight the Culture Wars in the first place? For obvious reasons. We want to defend America. We want to defend Christianity. We want to defend our children. We want to defend our way of life. These are all things that we love, and we do not want to watch any of them get nailed to the Cross. We feel about the death of any of these things much as Peter felt when he took Jesus aside and rebuked him saying, “God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You.” To which Christ replies “Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s.”


When Peter sheaths his sword, and Christ tells him “Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and He will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?” Peter is plunged into a state of spiritual darkness and confusion. Up until this point he had a solid identity: he was a follower of Christ. He thought he understood what that meant, and what it demanded of him. Now he doesn’t know what to do. His courage has come to nothing, his saviour has been taken away from him, his desire for martyrdom has been denied. He is asked about his Christian identity, and he is in no condition to give an answer for the faith that is in him. Instead, he says that he doesn’t know what the people in the courtyard are talking about, the cock crows, he realizes his denial, and he weeps.


This is a very accurate psychological portrait of what it looks like to stop fighting the Culture Wars. It’s hard. So long as you have that sword in your hand, you know who you are. You have an identity in Christ: an identity forged and tempered in violence. It doesn’t matter that the violence is the violence of a com-box war, or a letter writing campaign, or a series of articles. The pen, after all, is mightier than the sword. We can imagine Christ in the Culture Wars crying “Peter, sheathe your pen.” He who lives by the pen, shall die by the pen? If we look at the state of the Mass Media traditional Christianity certainly seems to be dying by the pen.

Third, Peter’s story teaches us that there will be faith beyond this darkness. It provides us with a way forward, a way to be Christian beyond the Culture Wars. “Feed my lambs. Take care of my sheep. Feed my sheep.” There’s an interesting detail here that you can miss in translation, which is that the first two times that Christ asks whether Peter loves him, he asks about agape, a form of love that is simultaneously more unconditional, but also less personal than philia. When Peter responds, he speaks of philia all three times. The third time that Christ asks, He rephrases the question in Peter’s terms and asks about philia, about the kind of love that we think of when we speak of intimate, personal friendship. It’s also interesting that Peter is hurt only this third time, when Christ throws his friendship, his affection into question.

So how do we feed Christ’s lambs, how do we tend His sheep? We start by listening. What are people in the LGBTQ community hungry for? What wounds do they need healed? What obstacles stand between them and the sheepfold? And then we remove those obstacles, and we heal those wounds, and we provide for those hungers.

This can be addressed to some degree in the abstract. We can talk about general patterns in terms of what LGBTQ Christians need from their parishes and from their faith communities. But the main thing that they need is love. Not just agape, but philia. Not just concern for their good, but comraderie, affection, friendship."

Read the rest here:  http://spiritualfriendship.org/2014/10/18/peter-in-the-garden-of-gethsemane/

Her testimony is CRAY CRAY.  seriously.

so a passing SIL person (the academic side of Wycliffe), who was living at the dorm that I live at and who is not related with the school, apparently saw me and the other gay student here hugging in the dorm kitchen and thought it was "too sexual/more-than-friends" or something and complained to the overall Center (which my school rents space from) and the Academic Dean told us this today and he said that it's apparently still working up the chain of command in the Center and who knows what their procedures are with this and whether they will just tell that person to calm down or if my friend and I will be kicked out of the dorm or if we'll be banned from being on campus (although my school would fight hard for us to be able to stay) and it's like... seriously?  They could do that from extrapolating from a hug?  The Dean doesn't even know the person's name or how long ago this happened.  Apparently the person didn't even know we were gay at the time, but it was just too much affection for two guys to share??

Like, person, you do NOT know our life situations or our sex lives or what's going on or anything about me apparently.

Just try and tell me that homophobia doesn't exist anymore or that it isn't unwarranted.  Part of me feels like it'll probably amount to nothing, but it is somewhat unnerving that something bad could happen.

And the psychological and spiritual manipulation is still continuing with the whole t-shirt fiasco.

i need to get out of here.