On Being One-Dimensional

So what Alvin told me was that I seemed to make being gay like all that I was.  It was like you could only see one side of me, and that was being gay.  He felt like I put this gay side of me out there, and I just hid behind that side, in the shadows of that person.

Of course, he said that he would never be able to understand how deeply this affects me and he thinks that it should be a large part of my life and that I have blessed the church with my struggles and convictions, and that he doesn't actually think I'm 1D and I'm really quite well-rounded, but it just felt like every time I spoke to CCF, it was about being gay.  Which we both knew it was because there were people who didn't know I was gay and celibate, but I think his point was good.

Am I letting myself be defined by my sexuality?  Where am I placing my identity?

Ah, I remember when I used to ask for prayer about placing my identity in Christ before I ever came out.  And maybe after too?  I can't really remember... but it certainly has dropped to never thinking about my identity in Christ.  I guess I thought I had it all figured out.

Wrong.


I do have a better idea of what that means, having one's identity in Christ--it begins with preaching the Gospel... not to others, but to myself.  Of Jesus' sacrifice for our lives and how much we are worth because of Him and His resurrection.

I remember Miranda telling me that she felt like I was obsessing over my LPAP instructor, and I told her that I didn't think I was.  I mean, I may make a blog post about him every once in a while, but he's not someone who is constantly on my mind.  Or really, he is rarely on my mind (except of course, during class).

I didn't bring this up at the time... I started to, but then I couldn't finish.
But I think I talk about how attractive I found him and how great he was because I am still trying to accept being gay and having these attractions.  I talk about them--perhaps objectively or subjectively, in an excessive manner--because I want to kind of normalize this behavior for myself.  Like maybe if I talk about it more, I will force myself into accepting it and life will be better.

How do I deal with my physical feelings?  I don't think suppression is healthy.  So is it just thinking about them less and focusing more on Christ?

That sounds like a great, unattractive Sunday School answer.  But sometimes those are what one needs to accept.  I think what Alvin said did call into attention what Miranda had indirectly brought up.  I told him about my thoughts on maybe overcompensating how much I talk about homosexuality because I still have trouble accepting myself.

Funny.  That day, I was like, "Dang, shouldn't I be past having to accept myself?  Shouldn't I have been there, done that already?"  People practically take me for being the expert in this, and I'm still floundering.

Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to have the answers.  Unfortunately, I don't.  Heck, I started coming out less than two years ago... of course I'm still gonna be a baby in my understanding and theology of this. but God has definitely provided.  Thankfully, Wesley Hill, Eve Tushnet, and many other gay Christian blogs are helping me in reviewing and revising what I believe and what I think about Christianity and homosexuality.

I used to have this constant fear/anger that people would think I would be talking about homosexuality too much and that I shouldn't bring it up that much.  I lost that fear, but I wonder if I should be having a healthy fear in the sense of checking where I'm at.

So how often should I be portraying myself as the gay Christian?  I want to say until everyone knows that there are gay Christians out there, there are people like me, but I dunno.  Some have told me there is a time and a place to come out, and I think that's true.  Have I been doing it too often or talking about being gay too often?  Hmm.  maybe.  I've found that I can sometimes wrongly blame being gay for various things.  Like I wrote on my tumblr once, "sometimes I find myself wrongly blaming being gay for all sorts of things. The need for relationships, the confusing loneliness, the disappointment, the short-temperedness, the sadness… all of those problems I sometimes want to say that I feel that way because I’m gay, when in actuality, it is really some sin, some other mindset that I can control that is causing me to feel those things.  But I end up feeling like it’s something I can’t help but do. Consequently, being gay can become something I hide behind… ugh, so tricky."

Perhaps it's more that Alvin would like me to share about the other struggles/sin in my life... which I believe would be good.  Or I thought I tried to, for the most part, but there is definitely more I could bring up, now that I think about it.

In any case, though, I realized that I was far from God for not really being able to accept myself and for my other struggles with lust.  Still working on both of those things, but I'd say they appear to not be going too badly.  Maybe I'm still on a high from feeling God's love from the gay Christian tumblr explosion that went on a few hours ago, blowing up my dashboard with new followers, new tumblrs to follow, likes, and reblogs, or a high from this morning's sharing and how wonderfully that went, or from organizing friend meet-ups.

I still need to read more and focus more on God... and dang, it's already 2:30 a.m...  But yeah, I just wanted to put down what had kinda been going on with all of that, as I promised elaboration, and Karen pointed out that I never gave it.  xD