ramblin

I did start writing a post soon after my last one.  But then as I was getting out all the feels, I got tired and decided to sleep.  By the time I woke up on Monday, I felt better.  Perhaps it is writing down my thoughts that makes things better, even if they're just to myself.  If I do get to finishing that post, I'll publish it at some point.  It's not like whatever I expressed in that post has gone away.

English Retreat was quite good.  The theme this year was on contentment, and as ER got closer and closer, I could feel that I was in dire need of hearing about contentment.  I've been pretty discontented to say the least, for the most part with myself and my situations.

But what the speaker, Pastor Mike, pointed out, was that if we came to the retreat in search of contentment, we came seeking an idol.  I realized from his sermons that sometimes we seek God's hand, His loving care, more than we seek His face and seek to know Him.  And that sometimes we never have enough. We're never satisfied; we'll be in this state of discontentment about our lives... and that's ok.  It's that way because this world isn't perfect.  We have to strive and seek for the one that is... at once bringing the Kingdom of God here, and also realizing that things can never be perfect while we live.

I can't say I'm much more content after having come back.  But I think ER allowed me the opportunity to see the sources of some of my discontentment and realize that even when I can't really get rid of these sources of discontentment, that's alright.  I'm meant to face them with Christ, because God has given me everything that I need.  He's given me His Son and His Spirit.

I think I fell into an infatuation during English Retreat. Kevin and Ann later confirmed on Sunday and Monday respectively from the symptoms I was showing.

Greaaat.

Jeff joked during ER that he knew what we needed to talk about during discipleship from the way I was acting, and I laughed, but I half-thought, "Mmm, actually... we might need to."

Three days out and I'm pretty sure I think about him less.  bah, we have so much in common, though.  Except I guess he's straight.  =\  so I suppose he doesn't quite beat the guy I met who also has same-sex attractions and is Christian and trying to be celibate from them.  Who also is the same age as my sister and has the same birthday as me.  (ACTUAL twinsies!  =D)  Who I will refer to as "my mentor" from now on.

Speaking of my mentor, he called me yesterday as I was reading Ann's link on my wall with my phone.  Very appropriate for how he's kinda been that sign from God to stick to where I feel He's calling me, right in the midst of opposition.  We talked for a good 30+ min., catching each other up on our lives and sharing how difficult this struggle/blessing of being gay is.
He always prays for me at the end of our phone calls or meet-ups.  =)  It catches me by surprise and also comforts me every time.

Anyway, during ER on Saturday night, I was heavy into my infatuation and half-realizing it.  I walked out by the wooden dock and laid there, stargazing and listening to music.  I usually don't stargaze and I generally prefer to walk around, but I decided to just take in the many, many stars above Pineywoods.

As much as one chooses to be alone... one doesn't always want to be alone even when one chooses to be so, you know?  I enjoyed the time I had, away from the hubbub of everyone in the main room, but I still pined for someone to be by my side.
Someone who could partake in the stars... one with whom I could just lie there.  Yeah, I was thinking of that guy, and I knew how that wouldn't happen, as much as I kinda sorta wished he would show up and just ask to stargaze with me.

hmm.

I was there for a good 20 min. at least (judging from the 5+ songs that I played through), lying there, getting up, walking around on the dock, lying back down, rolling onto my side in fetal position, sitting up and looking at the trees and the way they made this IMAX-esque semicircle around the sky.  Singing my heart out to God about how I just wanted to glorify Him.

Even if it means my discontent.  Because after all, God has spared nothing for me.  He gave His Son, Jesus gave Himself, so shouldn't His faithfulness in big things be evidence that He'll be faithful in the small ones of my life?  That as much as I feel I *need* X person in my life, as much as I want X person to be in my life, and for us to share everything and anything about each other... I don't need that.

I say that only half-believing my own words.

That's fine.  Jesus covers it all regardless.

My mentor's been having a tough time with homosexuality too... not really the celibacy part, but the emotional intimacy.  hm. I feel ya dude.

He's an ENFJ.  Which means that typelogic says we're... "counterparts." haha, whatever that means...

Maybe we'll end up in the same city after I graduate.  I think I might heavily lean towards attending whatever med school ends up being fairly close to where he is.  Maybe we'll room together!  haha.  Maybe that's a bad idea... xD  we'll see.


I swear I always fall for your type.  kinda been looping through my head the past few days.
Someone described him as "pretty boy," although that sounds not exactly like the type I go for.  But yes, he is nice to look at.  I suppose an attractive face is good enough for me.  Man, SO many creeper moments during ER.  soooo many.  Ann can attest.  lol.    And his clothes, they're so nice... like I really like just the simple solid colors he wore... they'd be stuff I'd love to wear too.  And he has a bunch of threadless tees too (none of which he wore at ER, but w/e.  He said he has like at least 10)!  And he watches Glee and Modern Family... he's seen every episode of Glee like me!  haha.  And he has a really nice car (IMO... one I def. wouldn't mind having if I had to get a car and this car turned out to be quite cheap... somehow)...
Annnddd... well, i could keep going, but I'll stop.  ok, wait, he also was wearing a pair of black wayfarer sunglasses.    I decided to wear my white aviators, but dang, if i'd only brought my pink Darren Criss wayfarers (then we'd have matched!)...  I thought they'd be a little too flashy though.  Also, I didn't want to wear my pink laced shoes... so it wouldn't have worked as well with just the pink sunglasses.  And I didn't want to risk losing/breaking those sunglasses.

okk.  stopping now.

um. so yeah. apart from school/lab, that's what's been going on in my life and thoughts.