Why Being Gay Is Not The Most Pleasant Experience

I haven't blogged in far too long.  As I told a couple of people who asked about it, I guess I reached a critical point where so much has happened that every time I started a post, I'd get overwhelmed by how much I needed to say that I just stopped midway through the post.

But I still do remember Ann telling me that I needed to blog more when I was at her wedding (back in September!  Wow, that was almost a year ago), and Karen has told me to just write short blog posts, so perhaps I'll try and do that more frequently.

I don't think I've mentioned on here yet that my grad school campus is by far, the most homophobic place I've ever encountered.  You would think that the spoken word poem that I shared at the school's talent show would be helpful for people to gain empathy and compassion for gay people, but instead, the school administration just told me that I crossed a line, and many of the older people were upset.  The admin wasn't gonna take any serious action, though, since there weren't guidelines in place for what should and should not be shared at the talent show, and I did do a legitimate art form.  No compliments for the effort and thought I put into my poem though.  =\

(I'm gonna paraphrase a little from what I wrote to someone in January, cause I'm lazy, and want to get to the meat of the turmoil I'm currently in)

"In my time here, I've had people be really scandalized when I wear Rice's gay-straight alliance shirts, question me about calling myself gay,  think I have a "spirit of homosexuality" in me that I need to get delivered from, and show me video after video of ex-gay people who claim that they are no longer gay (and when they say they're no longer "gay," I'm guessing they're just defining "gay" as being in a same-sex relationship, not defining it as having same-sex attractions). 

Not to say that I don't like my new grad school--I do. And I can tell that it's where God wants me to be, not just for the chance to learn more about linguistics and Bible translation, but also for the chance to be able to speak into people's lives about what being gay means, and to encourage Christians to be more open and vulnerable about what they're going through. Thankfully, God has provided me with another gay person on campus, and he has been a tremendous blessing to me." (which has become a hot mess in of itself, but I think is more resolved now, hopefully)

Recently, though I've just been praying that God would give me the strength to follow through with the vocation he's given me.

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In late March, I sent an email to Wycliffe (the major Bible translation organization on campus, although there is a smaller, newer one that grew out of Wycliffe called Pioneer Bible Translators), in regards to their Code of Conduct page, where they state that "Unacceptable behaviors include, but are not limited to, the following: . . . Inappropriate sexual identification and activity including, but not limited to: . . . Homosexual and/or cross-gender orientation."  Other gay person on campus decided to alert me to this because heck, I want to know sooner rather than later whether I can even join their organization if that's the case.

Here's part of the response:

 David, I appreciate your honesty. And I am happy to see that you are trying to be celibate from same-sex relationships and sex. But any homosexual activities or behaviors are violations of Wycliffe’s Ethics & Conduct Policy and prohibit you from applying. I do pray that God will give you great strength as you pursue holiness and endeavor to please Him in everything. I do not struggle with what you are dealing with, but am tempted in other ways. I am so glad that His Spirit lives in us and helps us in our weaknesses.

I would encourage you David to seek professional help, and set up sound, biblical accountability structures as you deal with these behaviors. May God's presence continue to lead you in discerning His purposes and plans for your life.

That's... great.  I mean, what does "professional help" even mean?  Do they realize that that the American Psychological Association discourages against reparative therapy, and even the American Association of Christian Counselors has taken out their mentions and encouragement of reparative therapy in their code of conduct this year?

To be fair, I could probably get a couple of different responses depending on who I talk to, and a couple of my professors who are with Wycliffe were really surprised that just having a "homosexual orientation" was prohibited.

I really should dialogue more with this guy, because I feel like he might be confused about something.  But I just haven't quite gathered the energy to do so.  Especially now, as I'm involved in yet another fiasco.

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Remember when I said that some people above have been really scandalized by my Rice Queers & Allies T-shirts?  I've attached a photo of both of them below:

The black one has gotten the most attention, and I guess it's what's gotten me in trouble this time.  

Today, the professor that I've mainly been in contact with about all these things (the cultural anthropology teacher who let me have a day in class to show a powerpoint that I compiled about sexuality during our couple of days about Gender & Sexuality!  That was a good day at least.) has told me that the administration doesn't want me to wear those shirts anymore. Their complete words that he gave me about it were: 

“ . . . we will be adding an administrative . . . policy statement to the effect of ‘Clothing must be free of pictures or slogans with sexual references, drug references, or anything else the administration deems inappropriate’ (although it may not end up exactly that wording). 

We also believe that the student’s wearing of the shirt in question was also in violation of the Student Handbook (1) Expected Standards of Conduct: ‘…conduct should honor Christ in all activities on and off the campus’ and (2) Modesty Standards: ‘… students are expected to dress in a manner that will reflect Biblical standards for modesty and purity. All students are expected to encourage each other in accord with 1 Corinthians 8:9 (“But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.”)’

This paragraph on Modesty Standards also contains the clause that ‘faculty and staff are… encouraged to approach any student dressed inappropriately and request a change in attire or behavior.’”

This is frustrating and upsetting in so many ways. And painfully ironic, when you consider the fact that I go to a linguistics school, and they don’t like the way I use language to describe my experience.  Maybe they're worried about conservative donors pulling their funding (a reason they gave me after I shared my poem about why they were upset) or something.  I guess I'll probs talk to the Dean of Students about it tomorrow in the first step of the appeal process.

I can't really think of a totally rational response without tearing up or just getting emotionally distraught, so we'll see how the talk goes. I started writing a response so I'd have something to say, but all I have is below:

"As upset as this whole situation makes me, I am not some angry, radical queer guy who’s trying to offend everyone. I am your gay brother in Christ. I am just trying to let others know that people like me exist. The primary message of my t-shirt is that gay, bisexual, and trans people are human too, which I am pretty sad to see that the administration deems that message as inappropriate. My t-shirts don’t identify myself for me; I've seen straight people wear those t-shirts, and it has no bearing on their sexuality.

I have lived years of my life believing that no one else struggled with this and that I was alone in all of this. While I had come out in college, I still never had anyone I could share life with about this struggle. I spent the last semester of college wishing I was dead almost every day, imagining myself drinking bleach and dying in my dorm room bed. I would prep my teaching for Sunday School with my friend, and then just sit in the room in the dark by myself for an hour after he left. I felt hopeless. Life isn't sustainable when your only role models and companions are internet blogs. I came here, expecting that God was bringing me to an environment where I could be open about my struggles and to talk with other Christians and receive their helpful feedback in how to cultivate a life of celibacy and being gay.

The only feedback I get from this situation, and the administration’s response to my spoken word poem, however, is that I am unwanted. Being gay is too messy, it’s too much, it’s crossing lines and it’s upsetting people and it’s too much of a liability. At all the conservative churches and Christians I've been around, I've never felt as marginalized as I do here. I understand so much better now why there have been so many gay teen suicides. They feel unheard and unwanted because they are. So how many more queer people have to die before more Christians listen and reach out to them?"

Like I said before, this response doesn't actually address the issues very well, but I still don't really know what their problem with it is.  I guess I'll find out tomorrow.  I've compiled a looong list of excerpts of gay chaste bloggers for reasons why I identify as gay as opposed to "having same-sex attractions," thanks to all the people who've asked me that question here, and I expect I'll probably have to pull that out tomorrow.  

In the end, it might just come down to the fact that they want to preserve some conservative image of their school that supporting queer people (regardless of sexual activity) is not a part of.  If it comes down to that, I don't know whether to be a good advocate for queer people by trying to stand my ground, or just giving up and letting them have their way.  Either way, it's hard to envision myself walking out of this mentally, spiritually, and emotionally unscathed.

Please pray for me.