(putting in a "Read More" since I do feel a little bad for publicizing this on the internet, and I want to conceal it a bit more, but at the same time, this IS my life, you know? And if people want to know what's happening in my life, or what it's like to be gay and Christian, this is it. I really should write a post about all the things I love about my school, since there are actually numerous things. I realize I may be alienating some of you from ever liking my school/Wycliffe, but they do a lot of good work!) You can piece together a lot of our conversation from the email that I wrote her. Here it is:
"Thanks for hearing me out on everything! Unfortunately, it can take me a bit of time to process conversations and reflect, so I can't just say everything I will ever say about something in one meeting. As I've thought more about our conversation, I realized that I'm still confused about a few points.
First, the wording of the statement that Dr. M gave me and what the administration thought I did wrong. What M gave me said, "We also believe that the student’s wearing of the shirt in question was also in violation of the Student Handbook (1) Expected Standards of Conduct: ‘…conduct should honor Christ in all activities on and off the campus’ and (2) Modesty Standards: ‘… students are expected to dress in a manner that will reflect Biblical standards for modesty and purity. All students are expected to encourage each other in accord with 1 Corinthians 8:9 (“But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.”)’
From our conversation today, it seemed like the issue was completely different. Namely, that people were misunderstanding my t-shirt and that there would be other ways we could start the conversation than through a t-shirt. Number 1 was confusing to me because I don't really see how my conduct does not "honor Christ." As I said before, I feel like the primary message of my t-shirt is to remind people that lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans people are human too, which I think falls under the category of "honoring Christ," haha. Similarly, number 2 doesn't seem to address the issue of misunderstanding either, and I'm unsure why my t-shirt is immodest/impure. Is there something I'm missing here? (Maybe it's related to my next question, in that the t-shirt was not honoring to Christ/immodest/impure because people could have misunderstandings about me?)
Second, what is it that people are misunderstanding, or possibly misunderstanding about my t-shirt? When I reflect back on our conversation, you were suggesting that just the word "queers" as on my pink shirt was enough to cause misunderstanding. Is the misunderstanding that I am queer and approving of same-sex relationships/in a same-sex relationship myself? I actually don't mind that misunderstanding, because it's at least closer to the truth than me being straight and anti-gay. I don't want to set up a dichotomy of me being a "good gay" and the Christians in same-sex relationships as the "bad gays" anyhow.
Was the misunderstanding about how I might be some radical, oppressive activist? I would hope from my other actions that people would learn that I wasn't some activist who was trying to coerce people to my point of view.
Your example of someone wearing a shirt that said "Single But Celibate" being a case of "Man, I didn't need to know that about your sex life... TMI" makes sense, but doesn't translate in my case. My shirts have no statement on my sex life. And if people assume that I'm gay from my t-shirt, and that becomes a case of TMI for them, then there's not really anything I can do about that. If I had shared about being gay in a conversation with them instead of just having the word "gay" on a t-shirt, then I suspect it would still be TMI for them, and I'm not going to get anywhere far with that person right now.
Another reason the "Single But Celibate" analogy doesn't fit for me is because it's already assumed in Christian culture that if you are single, you are celibate. So maybe that's why it seems out-of-place to wear it at our school. I think it's a feeling of, "Well we already knew that. Why are you broadcasting that around?" If someone was wearing it out in the general public instead, would it be inappropriate? I don't think so, although I can see how it might still be TMI for some people.
It is also assumed in Christian culture that everyone is straight, and the vast majority of people are anti-gay. My t-shirt wearing is an effort to combat that misconception. On the other hand, I already have multiple people assuming I'm gay because of the way I act, or say things (I mean my general sass/voice quality, not when I'm actually saying the words "I'm gay" haha), and I can't control their assumptions about my sexuality, unless I start trying to change the way I act and say things and basically put myself back in the closet.
Third--but really just a similar topic to the one directly above--the hypothetical case of jarring the ultraconservative sheltered Bob Jones transfer/alum (haha, thanks to C. for the fact that I can understand that reference, because prior to her, I didn't know anything about Bob Jones and all the rules they have)... I think I was more mitigated in my speech because I mean, of course I want to help promote unity in the Body of Christ, and wearing a shirt with the purpose of "jarring someone" doesn't seem in line with that.
But as I think about it more, I don't see much of a difference in "jarr-age" between me wearing the t-shirt and them assuming I'm gay versus me coming out to them verbally and them knowing I'm gay. They are going to be jarred in both instances, and I can't prevent them from having to question their beliefs that there are actual Christians who are actually gay.
Or did you mean jarred in some kind of trauma response way? I could see how if I were sharing about some sexual abuse I had gone through, then that could certainly be traumatizing and inappropriate and I shouldn't be sharing those things to everyone without discretion. But if their response to me coming out to them is a trauma response, then that is probably more indicative of some serious issues/confusion with gay people/homosexuality that they should probably work through, rather than me being inappropriate and negligent of others.
One difference between the two situations might be that they would assume that I'm fine with being in a same-sex relationship and such, but once again, I am alright with someone assuming that of me. I mean, I'm as alright as one can be about assumptions about oneself, but maybe the jarring-ness of that possibility could be helpful as some cross-cultural experience. Not everyone is going to believe the same things you do, nor is everyone going to hear from God in the same way about the same issues, and I think that is ok. Yes, denominations and differing beliefs have split the Church throughout the ages, but do differing beliefs have to do that (assuming differing beliefs are not so substantial that they warp Christianity to something completely different)? Is squashing differing beliefs and other opinions the only way to stop division?
Anyway, those are my primary questions from our conversation today. I'm definitely glad for our talk. The last couple of days certainly have been agonizing, and I've teared up multiple times, mostly because it seemed a lot more serious than it actually was. For instance, it sounded like the administration thought that wearing a t-shirt that proclaimed that LGBT people are human too was something that was not "honoring Christ," which I found quite hurtful. In any case, thanks again for listening to me!
And by the way, I felt like from our conversation that you might be wondering why I even identify as "gay" (as opposed to "having same-sex attraction," or as identifying as any sexual identity at all). If that's a question that you have, I have plenty of excerpts by gay celibate Christian blogs addressing that question that I'd be happy to pass along. Just let me know!"
(I did end up sending her those links. She wrote a quick and kind response praising my emotional maturity in this situation for not distancing myself, haha. Then she followed it up today with a fuller email) Here's her response:
"Thank you for feeling free to follow up on our conversation about the T-shirts by asking clarifying questions. Having reviewed your concerns and areas of ambiguity, I feel that the word "unity" communicates the concept underlying [our school]'s intentions regarding the T-shirts and underlying the principles I laid out in my conversation with you.
Unity has to do with building relationships despite the potential for disagreements. The key, however, is that you need to build a relationship first, in order to establish trust, before you can have a foundation on which to discuss a topic that may be sensitive to one or both the parties involved. Wearing a T-shirt and having someone encounter a potentially divisive issue on the clothing doesn't allow for the relationship to be built first. And deliberately raising an issue outside of a relationship (which is in effect what happens when one wears a T-shirt) definitely invites division. Division can of course come in more obvious forms, such as open stand-offs and hostility, or in more subtle forms, such as confusion or offense, in which case people also throw up walls, whether consciously or unconsciously.
[Our school] operates on the premise that we set our differences aside in order to reach a common goal of bringing the Word to the ends of the earth. We do not give a public forum to any of the hot-button, high-emotion topics that divide the church today. Homosexuality and all the discussions surrounding it fall clearly into that category--lots of opinions, lots of nuances, lots of emotional lading, proofs for all sides from Scripture, etc. Were someone to wear a T-shirt with reference to infant baptism, or baptism being required for salvation, or women in leadership, or speaking in tongues, or theistic evolution, or any of the other church differences we host among us, we would ask that person to refrain from wearing it as well on the [campus]. Too many people come through campus and through the guesthouse for us to risk division over something about which various of God's most serious followers can't agree.
We accept and train and love everyone without highlighting differences or potential differences. To allow one member of our community to highlight those differences by putting them in people's faces would be to disservice the community, and, ultimately, our goal of unity, and, through unity, our goal of bringing the Word to the ends of the earth. It's not worth division.
In light of this discussion, I would encourage you to read Romans 14 and meditate on the implications, especially verse 15. There's really no room for anything that breaks down a relationship with a brother/sister or between the brother/sister and God. In the [school] context that will mean something different from when you're in other contexts, so that means adapting differently within this community as well by not presenting publicly those things that will create division. Having worked and talked with you over the past months, I'm confident you will be able to do so and pray that God will give you peace and grace with the inner conflicts and emotions this situation raises for you.
Sincerely,
K
K
P.S. I have been exploring the blogs you sent my way and appreciate, on a personal level, the opportunity to learn more about what you and others in your situation are feeling. Thanks again for your openness, and I sincerely pray for God's blessing as you seek to navigate this difficult path."
Of course I'm not so happy. It's confusing, because when I talk with her, she seems quite sympathetic and kind, like she understands where I'm coming from, but then her actions seem to portray that she doesn't. Maybe her hands are tied from the upper admin... maybe this is what it's like to be in leadership. I'm crafting a response, but I am still utterly disappointed with the fact that she seemed to sidestep most of my questions and just say, "This could cause division. Don't do it. Look, here's this Bible passage that proves my point!" Uh-huh. Ironically, Romans 14 was the passage that someone on tumblr told me about when he was defending the non-traditional view of same-sex relationships.
Maybe she doesn't realize that 40% of homeless youth in the US identify as LGBT. (FORTY PERCENT. FOUR. ZERO. Two out of every five homeless teens is LGBT. There's only about 4 - 5% of people who identify as LGBT in the US, so that's about 8 - 10x the actual population of LGBT youth). Maybe she's not familiar with the vast number of suicides and suicide attempts by LGBT youth. Or the discrimination/harassment/loss of job that people have experienced in their workplaces for being LGBT.
Maybe she knows that all, and doesn't care. =(
Also, I don't feel like Romans 14--or the principle behind Romans 14--is something that you can just bludgeon people over the head with so that they all superficially agree to disagree on topics. Here's what I've written on that so far,
"How do you know that these t-shirts will create division? How do you know they don't invite more conversation and unity? I do realize it's a fallacious argument from silence to say that I have had many more conversations from wearing the t-shirts compared to when I don't, but it is also true. Just because one faculty/staff member made a comment about their uncomfortableness to the administration doesn't mean that wearing said t-shirt would cause widespread division. In fact, you could just as easily ask them to meditate on Romans 14. After all, I am perturbed by their lack of desire to actually dialogue with me on the subject and figure out where I'm coming from. I am distressed by their ignorance of the plights of LGBT people and by how they are so ingrained in their ways of thinking that it helps create a herd mentality which contributes to harassment, homelessness, and death. This issue is not a matter of what food is ritually acceptable and what is not; it is a matter of listening and caring for some of the most disenfranchised people that the Christian community has dealt with."
I can understand the fact that my school ain't so interested in doing public forums on all the hot-button issues, and I totally get and support that. BUT, they stopped being neutral on this issue the moment they told me to stop wearing these t-shirts. We seem to have a disconnect where they see this as unity-promoting, and I just see it as skirting around and avoiding and silencing and maintaining the status quo which ISN'T working for LGBT people.
You don't have to have some kind of outreach to LGBT people... but to say that I can't wear these t-shirts seems pretty dangerously close to the line where I can't speak out in favor of LGBT people and I can't help raise awareness.
Anyway, I have some other thoughts, and other email bits that I've written but... yeah, gonna step away for a bit.
Thank you all again for your support and care! Definitely much needed and appreciated. =)
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