that awkward moment when I find out that my mentor does in fact have a blog (a wordpress) even though he told me he didn't.
the creeper moment when I realize that this blog was just made this month. The continued creeper moment when I read through the whole site, which is actually more like an online resume than a blog.
the awkward-creeper moment when I want to tell him that I found his page and that it's impressive, but then I realize that would require me to explain how I found his blog in the first place... which was from Googling his name and another bit of information. the also awkward moment when I click on his "publications" tab, and there's nothing there. How did you get a Ph. D then, son? =P maybe i should tell him about that... but then I'd still have to explain how i got to his site.
that mischievous moment when I want to comment on his site about the amusing second-to-last sentence in his academic biography that's supposed to kinda showcase his personality... where he talks about how he likes to eat ice-cream and fly model helicopters. Isn't that cute? haha. It's a mischievous moment because I kinda want to terrorize his blog since I can leave whatever reply I want there. xD
that extra awkward moment when I remember that I did in fact give him the address to this blog, so in which case he could totally be reading this. oh well.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
ramblin
I did start writing a post soon after my last one. But then as I was getting out all the feels, I got tired and decided to sleep. By the time I woke up on Monday, I felt better. Perhaps it is writing down my thoughts that makes things better, even if they're just to myself. If I do get to finishing that post, I'll publish it at some point. It's not like whatever I expressed in that post has gone away.
English Retreat was quite good. The theme this year was on contentment, and as ER got closer and closer, I could feel that I was in dire need of hearing about contentment. I've been pretty discontented to say the least, for the most part with myself and my situations.
But what the speaker, Pastor Mike, pointed out, was that if we came to the retreat in search of contentment, we came seeking an idol. I realized from his sermons that sometimes we seek God's hand, His loving care, more than we seek His face and seek to know Him. And that sometimes we never have enough. We're never satisfied; we'll be in this state of discontentment about our lives... and that's ok. It's that way because this world isn't perfect. We have to strive and seek for the one that is... at once bringing the Kingdom of God here, and also realizing that things can never be perfect while we live.
I can't say I'm much more content after having come back. But I think ER allowed me the opportunity to see the sources of some of my discontentment and realize that even when I can't really get rid of these sources of discontentment, that's alright. I'm meant to face them with Christ, because God has given me everything that I need. He's given me His Son and His Spirit.
I think I fell into an infatuation during English Retreat. Kevin and Ann later confirmed on Sunday and Monday respectively from the symptoms I was showing.
Greaaat.
Jeff joked during ER that he knew what we needed to talk about during discipleship from the way I was acting, and I laughed, but I half-thought, "Mmm, actually... we might need to."
Three days out and I'm pretty sure I think about him less. bah, we have so much in common, though. Except I guess he's straight. =\ so I suppose he doesn't quite beat the guy I met who also has same-sex attractions and is Christian and trying to be celibate from them. Who also is the same age as my sister and has the same birthday as me. (ACTUAL twinsies! =D) Who I will refer to as "my mentor" from now on.
Speaking of my mentor, he called me yesterday as I was reading Ann's link on my wall with my phone. Very appropriate for how he's kinda been that sign from God to stick to where I feel He's calling me, right in the midst of opposition. We talked for a good 30+ min., catching each other up on our lives and sharing how difficult this struggle/blessing of being gay is.
He always prays for me at the end of our phone calls or meet-ups. =) It catches me by surprise and also comforts me every time.
Anyway, during ER on Saturday night, I was heavy into my infatuation and half-realizing it. I walked out by the wooden dock and laid there, stargazing and listening to music. I usually don't stargaze and I generally prefer to walk around, but I decided to just take in the many, many stars above Pineywoods.
As much as one chooses to be alone... one doesn't always want to be alone even when one chooses to be so, you know? I enjoyed the time I had, away from the hubbub of everyone in the main room, but I still pined for someone to be by my side.
Someone who could partake in the stars... one with whom I could just lie there. Yeah, I was thinking of that guy, and I knew how that wouldn't happen, as much as I kinda sorta wished he would show up and just ask to stargaze with me.
hmm.
I was there for a good 20 min. at least (judging from the 5+ songs that I played through), lying there, getting up, walking around on the dock, lying back down, rolling onto my side in fetal position, sitting up and looking at the trees and the way they made this IMAX-esque semicircle around the sky. Singing my heart out to God about how I just wanted to glorify Him.
Even if it means my discontent. Because after all, God has spared nothing for me. He gave His Son, Jesus gave Himself, so shouldn't His faithfulness in big things be evidence that He'll be faithful in the small ones of my life? That as much as I feel I *need* X person in my life, as much as I want X person to be in my life, and for us to share everything and anything about each other... I don't need that.
I say that only half-believing my own words.
That's fine. Jesus covers it all regardless.
My mentor's been having a tough time with homosexuality too... not really the celibacy part, but the emotional intimacy. hm. I feel ya dude.
He's an ENFJ. Which means that typelogic says we're... "counterparts." haha, whatever that means...
Maybe we'll end up in the same city after I graduate. I think I might heavily lean towards attending whatever med school ends up being fairly close to where he is. Maybe we'll room together! haha. Maybe that's a bad idea... xD we'll see.
I swear I always fall for your type. kinda been looping through my head the past few days.
Someone described him as "pretty boy," although that sounds not exactly like the type I go for. But yes, he is nice to look at. I suppose an attractive face is good enough for me. Man, SO many creeper moments during ER. soooo many. Ann can attest. lol. And his clothes, they're so nice... like I really like just the simple solid colors he wore... they'd be stuff I'd love to wear too. And he has a bunch of threadless tees too (none of which he wore at ER, but w/e. He said he has like at least 10)! And he watches Glee and Modern Family... he's seen every episode of Glee like me! haha. And he has a really nice car (IMO... one I def. wouldn't mind having if I had to get a car and this car turned out to be quite cheap... somehow)...
Annnddd... well, i could keep going, but I'll stop. ok, wait, he also was wearing a pair of black wayfarer sunglasses. I decided to wear my white aviators, but dang, if i'd only brought my pink Darren Criss wayfarers (then we'd have matched!)... I thought they'd be a little too flashy though. Also, I didn't want to wear my pink laced shoes... so it wouldn't have worked as well with just the pink sunglasses. And I didn't want to risk losing/breaking those sunglasses.
okk. stopping now.
um. so yeah. apart from school/lab, that's what's been going on in my life and thoughts.
English Retreat was quite good. The theme this year was on contentment, and as ER got closer and closer, I could feel that I was in dire need of hearing about contentment. I've been pretty discontented to say the least, for the most part with myself and my situations.
But what the speaker, Pastor Mike, pointed out, was that if we came to the retreat in search of contentment, we came seeking an idol. I realized from his sermons that sometimes we seek God's hand, His loving care, more than we seek His face and seek to know Him. And that sometimes we never have enough. We're never satisfied; we'll be in this state of discontentment about our lives... and that's ok. It's that way because this world isn't perfect. We have to strive and seek for the one that is... at once bringing the Kingdom of God here, and also realizing that things can never be perfect while we live.
I can't say I'm much more content after having come back. But I think ER allowed me the opportunity to see the sources of some of my discontentment and realize that even when I can't really get rid of these sources of discontentment, that's alright. I'm meant to face them with Christ, because God has given me everything that I need. He's given me His Son and His Spirit.
I think I fell into an infatuation during English Retreat. Kevin and Ann later confirmed on Sunday and Monday respectively from the symptoms I was showing.
Greaaat.
Jeff joked during ER that he knew what we needed to talk about during discipleship from the way I was acting, and I laughed, but I half-thought, "Mmm, actually... we might need to."
Three days out and I'm pretty sure I think about him less. bah, we have so much in common, though. Except I guess he's straight. =\ so I suppose he doesn't quite beat the guy I met who also has same-sex attractions and is Christian and trying to be celibate from them. Who also is the same age as my sister and has the same birthday as me. (ACTUAL twinsies! =D) Who I will refer to as "my mentor" from now on.
Speaking of my mentor, he called me yesterday as I was reading Ann's link on my wall with my phone. Very appropriate for how he's kinda been that sign from God to stick to where I feel He's calling me, right in the midst of opposition. We talked for a good 30+ min., catching each other up on our lives and sharing how difficult this struggle/blessing of being gay is.
He always prays for me at the end of our phone calls or meet-ups. =) It catches me by surprise and also comforts me every time.
Anyway, during ER on Saturday night, I was heavy into my infatuation and half-realizing it. I walked out by the wooden dock and laid there, stargazing and listening to music. I usually don't stargaze and I generally prefer to walk around, but I decided to just take in the many, many stars above Pineywoods.
As much as one chooses to be alone... one doesn't always want to be alone even when one chooses to be so, you know? I enjoyed the time I had, away from the hubbub of everyone in the main room, but I still pined for someone to be by my side.
Someone who could partake in the stars... one with whom I could just lie there. Yeah, I was thinking of that guy, and I knew how that wouldn't happen, as much as I kinda sorta wished he would show up and just ask to stargaze with me.
hmm.
I was there for a good 20 min. at least (judging from the 5+ songs that I played through), lying there, getting up, walking around on the dock, lying back down, rolling onto my side in fetal position, sitting up and looking at the trees and the way they made this IMAX-esque semicircle around the sky. Singing my heart out to God about how I just wanted to glorify Him.
Even if it means my discontent. Because after all, God has spared nothing for me. He gave His Son, Jesus gave Himself, so shouldn't His faithfulness in big things be evidence that He'll be faithful in the small ones of my life? That as much as I feel I *need* X person in my life, as much as I want X person to be in my life, and for us to share everything and anything about each other... I don't need that.
I say that only half-believing my own words.
That's fine. Jesus covers it all regardless.
My mentor's been having a tough time with homosexuality too... not really the celibacy part, but the emotional intimacy. hm. I feel ya dude.
He's an ENFJ. Which means that typelogic says we're... "counterparts." haha, whatever that means...
Maybe we'll end up in the same city after I graduate. I think I might heavily lean towards attending whatever med school ends up being fairly close to where he is. Maybe we'll room together! haha. Maybe that's a bad idea... xD we'll see.
I swear I always fall for your type. kinda been looping through my head the past few days.
Someone described him as "pretty boy," although that sounds not exactly like the type I go for. But yes, he is nice to look at. I suppose an attractive face is good enough for me. Man, SO many creeper moments during ER. soooo many. Ann can attest. lol. And his clothes, they're so nice... like I really like just the simple solid colors he wore... they'd be stuff I'd love to wear too. And he has a bunch of threadless tees too (none of which he wore at ER, but w/e. He said he has like at least 10)! And he watches Glee and Modern Family... he's seen every episode of Glee like me! haha. And he has a really nice car (IMO... one I def. wouldn't mind having if I had to get a car and this car turned out to be quite cheap... somehow)...
Annnddd... well, i could keep going, but I'll stop. ok, wait, he also was wearing a pair of black wayfarer sunglasses. I decided to wear my white aviators, but dang, if i'd only brought my pink Darren Criss wayfarers (then we'd have matched!)... I thought they'd be a little too flashy though. Also, I didn't want to wear my pink laced shoes... so it wouldn't have worked as well with just the pink sunglasses. And I didn't want to risk losing/breaking those sunglasses.
okk. stopping now.
um. so yeah. apart from school/lab, that's what's been going on in my life and thoughts.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I don't want to be with people.
I want to sit in my room. Or at my lab. Somewhere alone. Somewhere where I can sit and process and write and catch up on all the messages that I've left unanswered.
I don't think he's gonna call tonight. That's fine. It's better that I work this out by myself. Keyboard and screen as my listeners, my own thoughts to answer me back.
post forthcoming.
I want to sit in my room. Or at my lab. Somewhere alone. Somewhere where I can sit and process and write and catch up on all the messages that I've left unanswered.
I don't think he's gonna call tonight. That's fine. It's better that I work this out by myself. Keyboard and screen as my listeners, my own thoughts to answer me back.
post forthcoming.
Friday, February 24, 2012
"And that's your job: to be there to pick up the pieces"
Those words will always strike me. A beautiful image. Beautifully broken, of course... but it holds true, and it is something I cherish.
Sometimes our feelings are aligned in ways I never thought they would align, and we speak each other's minds.
None of us are there yet.
I've seen that more than ever. And somehow I find it so beautiful.
That in Christ, it all falls away. That in Christ, we are perfect.
Sometimes our feelings are aligned in ways I never thought they would align, and we speak each other's minds.
None of us are there yet.
I've seen that more than ever. And somehow I find it so beautiful.
That in Christ, it all falls away. That in Christ, we are perfect.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
If 2010 was the year of me coming out to my myself, to my friends (in Houston), to my fellowship, and to my parents,
and 2011 was the (first) year of me being an advocate and educating myself, my friends, and strangers,
what will 2012 be?
Maybe it'll be the first year of seriously integrating this whole sexual identity thing with the rest of what I consider part of myself. Maybe it'll be the first year of really learning and understanding how to not let this aspect of my life consume all that I am.
That's what I'm hoping for. But when others asked me what I'm hoping for in this new year, I never mentioned any of these things.
Perhaps there begins that process of integration. That process of healthy embracing and distancing this part of me. After all, in any area of our lives, we're called to things like our ministry, fellowship, family, occupation, and studies, but we're not called to forsake everything else for just one of those things. Likewise, I need to start finding that balance in this part of my life. For the sake of mine and others' easy understanding and categorization, how much do I let labels define me?
It'll be a lifelong process, I'm sure. But I'm fine with that.
and 2011 was the (first) year of me being an advocate and educating myself, my friends, and strangers,
what will 2012 be?
Maybe it'll be the first year of seriously integrating this whole sexual identity thing with the rest of what I consider part of myself. Maybe it'll be the first year of really learning and understanding how to not let this aspect of my life consume all that I am.
That's what I'm hoping for. But when others asked me what I'm hoping for in this new year, I never mentioned any of these things.
Perhaps there begins that process of integration. That process of healthy embracing and distancing this part of me. After all, in any area of our lives, we're called to things like our ministry, fellowship, family, occupation, and studies, but we're not called to forsake everything else for just one of those things. Likewise, I need to start finding that balance in this part of my life. For the sake of mine and others' easy understanding and categorization, how much do I let labels define me?
It'll be a lifelong process, I'm sure. But I'm fine with that.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
an excerpt
"I'm not necessarily saying that the way you acted today was homophobic because I don't think you would intentionally do that. It just felt like it was, and that it could have been.
I still hesitate when I am changing with other people who know I'm gay or when we are both using urinals close by or ones without dividers or something. I hesitate to do these things because every single time, I wonder what they'll think of me, I wonder if they're awkwarded out, if they're afraid I'll try to peek at them, if they think I'm a pervert (ok, I very well could be... but that's beside the point) and so I keep my eyes fixed on anything else. I might just avoid that situation altogether to save both of us some wonderings, like I thought about doing today.
And of course you know my struggles with lust and while I am tempted (and to be honest, sometimes, if the person is a stranger and doesn't know I'm gay, I don't care and I actually try to look), I hate it. I hate that I'm even tempted like this. I hate this part of me. Maybe these are the times when I hate being gay the most... when I know some situations will always be awkward. And I just wish they weren't.
Perhaps that's part of why bromance bothers me. No one wants to treat me that way. (I wouldn't even know how to reciprocate bromance properly, so it's partly my fault too.) As much as people say my being gay doesn't change the way they think about me, I have so much difficulty believing that from guys. It's our culture's fault and its homophobia that has been ingrained into each of our psyches, and while these instances rarely happen, when they do, it just hits home how different I am."
And this is where I suck it up and go to guys' night anyway. Whatever. I'm too sensitive for my own good.
Sometimes, you just wanna throw it all away, you know?
At the same time, this is good, though. I've been lacking empathy, especially for those who are still in the closet... this is a life that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and if you're not ready for this, then it's best you don't push yourself.
If I could only do without this all and just pretend to be straight. But I can't.
**edit 1/14, 3 AM. I originally published this, reverted it to a draft, and now am just deciding to publish it, since Ann informed me that Google Reader peeps can see it anyway... heh. But this incident turned out well. It was just a misunderstanding. We made up nicely, and I'm thankful for that. =) *
**edit 1/14, 3 AM. I originally published this, reverted it to a draft, and now am just deciding to publish it, since Ann informed me that Google Reader peeps can see it anyway... heh. But this incident turned out well. It was just a misunderstanding. We made up nicely, and I'm thankful for that. =) *
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