Thomas Merton's Prayer

I was volunteering at Bering-Omega (an HIV/AIDS hospice) a couple months ago, and one of the residents had this prayer printed on a piece of paper, taped to a wall.  It's a powerful and appropriate prayer for wherever we are in life:

"My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart  from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone."

Thomas Merton
Thoughts in Solitude

Taken from http://hermitjrnl.wordpress.com/thomas-mertons-prayer/

At the youth study lock-in at Houston Chinese Church.  A lock-in is basically like a sleepover.  This one is for the high school and middle school students, and it's a "study" lock-in because I go to a Chinese church and apparently the kids here ask for lock-ins like that so they can study for their AP exams and what-not. haha.

I couldn't sleep the last hour and half (5:30 a.m. - 7 a.m.) because I was too lazy to stuff a blanket into my backpack and I was too proud to borrow an extra sleeping bag.  Also, I wanted to see if I could handle being cold and just sleeping with my pillow in my shorts and t-shirt.  I couldn't really, as the AC got too cold for me.

(ok, well, now I'm back in my room, but let's reflect anyway).

So I spent the hour-and-a-half reading from my iPhone a book Dennis recommended to me, When Invisible Children Sing, as I talked to him about my Loewenstern.  We happened to talk for like an hour-and-a-half on HCC's Health Day because there were no Spanish speakers for us to translate for.  =\  But still, at least I got to find out about this book.

It is incredible.  It is so profoundly moving for me.

The book is about a Christian who goes to Bolivia.  He's taking a gap-year between his third and fourth year of medical school at Harvard Medical School to treat and help street children in La Paz, Bolivia (which is a few hours from where I'm staying, in Cochabamba, but I am hoping to visit La Paz).  Although he was born overseas in Taiwan, I think, and lived for a few years in South Carolina, he mostly grew up at College Station and went to A&M (mind wanders for a bit and gets distracted about person) for his undergrad to support his family.

Reading about him treat and care for this girl for her bleeding (as she just aborted and buried her unborn child in the sludge who died because her boyfriend kicked and hit her in the stomach because he accidentally kinda flew into a fit of rage [but she needs him around and does like him still because he protects her from getting abused/raped from people on the streets]) in the sewers of La Paz, as she and other street children lie/sit by the warm river of excrement is intense and so poignantly moving.

Living among the people practically, and visiting them where they live, sometimes on the streets, sometimes in the sewers... just kinda like the incarnational ministry that Urbana talked about.  He sees the street children and works and tends to their knife wounds and infections and STDs and all sorts of diseases from 10 p.m. - 2 a.m. during the week, while he works at 2 orphanages during the day.

I wish I could be that amazing.  That cool.  haha.

The book is one of those books where I sometimes have to put down to soak it all in... where sometimes I put it down and just let my tears flow.  Hearing about what the street children have to go through is naturally heartbreaking, and reading the book gives me the continual thought of what I'll encounter at my government-run orphange for children with special needs.  Stories as heartbreaking/even more heartbreaking than the ones I read here?  Will I even be able to contain myself from just crying all the time?  (I'm sure I will.  or at least I have to.)

And how much help can I provide anyway?  I'm no med student.  I'm not even out of college.  I feel like I'm getting ready to feel useless right now, actually, because I probably will be pretty useless.

But maybe in the future, I will come back, or maybe the knowledge gained from this summer can be used in a really productive way.  I can't let the inevitability of me not really doing much stop me from seeking to learn and grow as much as I can from this experience so I can one day give something back.

Feeling useless... reminds me of the 12 envelopes with prompts inside that Mac and Sarah (the directors of the fellowship and two of the directors of the CIC) gave each of the Loewenstern Fellows.  Such a cool idea.  I'll probably be sure to post and blog about each one on here.

Here are the instructions on the following 12 envelopes:

#1  Open 2 days before your scheduled departure

(that would be May 11th!  Day before graduation...)

#2  Open 3 days after your arrival in your host community

(I arrive the 14th, so on May 17th... I will have already done two days of service)

#3  Open 2 days after the last question

(May 19th.  They said these envelopes tie in to the last envelope we open)

#4  Open at the mid-point of your experience

(June 17/18thish)

#5  Open after you have had a particularly productive day related to your service

#6  Open on a day when you're pondering the value of your service

(haha.  I wonder how often that'll happen?)

#7  Open one day after the last question

#8  Open after you've had a particularly emotional day related to your service

#9  Open on any day after the mid-point of your experience

#10  Open one week prior to the conclusion of your service

(I think my service would end on July 20th?  Or maybe the 22nd, when I actually fly out? 20th's the last Friday though.  So I should open this on July 13th at the earliest.)

#11  Open one day prior to the conclusion of your service.

(July 19th/July 21st)

#12  Open 1 week after the conclusion of your service.

(July 26th--oooh hayyyy.  Happy 21st to me!  lol.  And happy 29th to my mentor.  =)--or July 29th.  Although I may be at camp and without internet then.)

 

Some side-notes about the book:

It was a little disconcerting to go two thumb-swipes from reading the word Cochabamba to reading the word Houston, haha (he was saying how perhaps one of the kids fled to Cochabamba for the better economy, and then it was a flashback to his family taking his younger sister when he was a boy to what I presume was M.D. Anderson to treat her leukemia).  Houston and Cochabamba... Two words that were never part of my vocabulary four years ago, and now they'll probably stick with me for the rest of my life.

It also took me over half the book to realize that his first name is Chi... well, of course I realized his first name was Chi, but just the fact that it's my accountability partner's last name, you know?  Kinda unnerving/amusing too.

All in all, the book is a huge blessing in preparing me for Bolivia.  I can't wait to read the book Caleb gave me for Christmas too, Open Veins of Latin America.

oh hey, that's me.

"The highest at-risk group for suicidal behaviors is found in celibate, self-identified homosexual males at 46.1 percent with an attempt rate at 15.5%."

From Relevant's recent article, Confessions of a Gay Christian.  

I'm guessing he got his stats from this journal article, which admittedly does have a pretty small sample size for celibate gay males (13.  Well, I guess there's a pretty small population of us), and in which there are so many possible lurking variables like family involvement, an understanding community that's available, etc., but still.  A little disheartening.

creepin

that awkward moment when I find out that my mentor does in fact have a blog (a wordpress) even though he told me he didn't.

the creeper moment when I realize that this blog was just made this month.  The continued creeper moment when I read through the whole site, which is actually more like an online resume than a blog.

the awkward-creeper moment when I want to tell him that I found his page and that it's impressive, but then I realize that would require me to explain how I found his blog in the first place... which was from Googling his name and another bit of information.  the also awkward moment when I click on his "publications" tab, and there's nothing there.  How did you get a Ph. D then, son?  =P  maybe i should tell him about that... but then I'd still have to explain how i got to his site.

that mischievous moment when I want to comment on his site about the amusing second-to-last sentence in his academic biography that's supposed to kinda showcase his personality... where he talks about how he likes to eat ice-cream and fly model helicopters.  Isn't that cute? haha.  It's a mischievous moment because I kinda want to terrorize his blog since I can leave whatever reply I want there.  xD


that extra awkward moment when I remember that I did in fact give him the address to this blog, so in which case he could totally be reading this.  oh well.

ramblin

I did start writing a post soon after my last one.  But then as I was getting out all the feels, I got tired and decided to sleep.  By the time I woke up on Monday, I felt better.  Perhaps it is writing down my thoughts that makes things better, even if they're just to myself.  If I do get to finishing that post, I'll publish it at some point.  It's not like whatever I expressed in that post has gone away.

English Retreat was quite good.  The theme this year was on contentment, and as ER got closer and closer, I could feel that I was in dire need of hearing about contentment.  I've been pretty discontented to say the least, for the most part with myself and my situations.

But what the speaker, Pastor Mike, pointed out, was that if we came to the retreat in search of contentment, we came seeking an idol.  I realized from his sermons that sometimes we seek God's hand, His loving care, more than we seek His face and seek to know Him.  And that sometimes we never have enough. We're never satisfied; we'll be in this state of discontentment about our lives... and that's ok.  It's that way because this world isn't perfect.  We have to strive and seek for the one that is... at once bringing the Kingdom of God here, and also realizing that things can never be perfect while we live.

I can't say I'm much more content after having come back.  But I think ER allowed me the opportunity to see the sources of some of my discontentment and realize that even when I can't really get rid of these sources of discontentment, that's alright.  I'm meant to face them with Christ, because God has given me everything that I need.  He's given me His Son and His Spirit.

I think I fell into an infatuation during English Retreat. Kevin and Ann later confirmed on Sunday and Monday respectively from the symptoms I was showing.

Greaaat.

Jeff joked during ER that he knew what we needed to talk about during discipleship from the way I was acting, and I laughed, but I half-thought, "Mmm, actually... we might need to."

Three days out and I'm pretty sure I think about him less.  bah, we have so much in common, though.  Except I guess he's straight.  =\  so I suppose he doesn't quite beat the guy I met who also has same-sex attractions and is Christian and trying to be celibate from them.  Who also is the same age as my sister and has the same birthday as me.  (ACTUAL twinsies!  =D)  Who I will refer to as "my mentor" from now on.

Speaking of my mentor, he called me yesterday as I was reading Ann's link on my wall with my phone.  Very appropriate for how he's kinda been that sign from God to stick to where I feel He's calling me, right in the midst of opposition.  We talked for a good 30+ min., catching each other up on our lives and sharing how difficult this struggle/blessing of being gay is.
He always prays for me at the end of our phone calls or meet-ups.  =)  It catches me by surprise and also comforts me every time.

Anyway, during ER on Saturday night, I was heavy into my infatuation and half-realizing it.  I walked out by the wooden dock and laid there, stargazing and listening to music.  I usually don't stargaze and I generally prefer to walk around, but I decided to just take in the many, many stars above Pineywoods.

As much as one chooses to be alone... one doesn't always want to be alone even when one chooses to be so, you know?  I enjoyed the time I had, away from the hubbub of everyone in the main room, but I still pined for someone to be by my side.
Someone who could partake in the stars... one with whom I could just lie there.  Yeah, I was thinking of that guy, and I knew how that wouldn't happen, as much as I kinda sorta wished he would show up and just ask to stargaze with me.

hmm.

I was there for a good 20 min. at least (judging from the 5+ songs that I played through), lying there, getting up, walking around on the dock, lying back down, rolling onto my side in fetal position, sitting up and looking at the trees and the way they made this IMAX-esque semicircle around the sky.  Singing my heart out to God about how I just wanted to glorify Him.

Even if it means my discontent.  Because after all, God has spared nothing for me.  He gave His Son, Jesus gave Himself, so shouldn't His faithfulness in big things be evidence that He'll be faithful in the small ones of my life?  That as much as I feel I *need* X person in my life, as much as I want X person to be in my life, and for us to share everything and anything about each other... I don't need that.

I say that only half-believing my own words.

That's fine.  Jesus covers it all regardless.

My mentor's been having a tough time with homosexuality too... not really the celibacy part, but the emotional intimacy.  hm. I feel ya dude.

He's an ENFJ.  Which means that typelogic says we're... "counterparts." haha, whatever that means...

Maybe we'll end up in the same city after I graduate.  I think I might heavily lean towards attending whatever med school ends up being fairly close to where he is.  Maybe we'll room together!  haha.  Maybe that's a bad idea... xD  we'll see.


I swear I always fall for your type.  kinda been looping through my head the past few days.
Someone described him as "pretty boy," although that sounds not exactly like the type I go for.  But yes, he is nice to look at.  I suppose an attractive face is good enough for me.  Man, SO many creeper moments during ER.  soooo many.  Ann can attest.  lol.    And his clothes, they're so nice... like I really like just the simple solid colors he wore... they'd be stuff I'd love to wear too.  And he has a bunch of threadless tees too (none of which he wore at ER, but w/e.  He said he has like at least 10)!  And he watches Glee and Modern Family... he's seen every episode of Glee like me!  haha.  And he has a really nice car (IMO... one I def. wouldn't mind having if I had to get a car and this car turned out to be quite cheap... somehow)...
Annnddd... well, i could keep going, but I'll stop.  ok, wait, he also was wearing a pair of black wayfarer sunglasses.    I decided to wear my white aviators, but dang, if i'd only brought my pink Darren Criss wayfarers (then we'd have matched!)...  I thought they'd be a little too flashy though.  Also, I didn't want to wear my pink laced shoes... so it wouldn't have worked as well with just the pink sunglasses.  And I didn't want to risk losing/breaking those sunglasses.

okk.  stopping now.

um. so yeah. apart from school/lab, that's what's been going on in my life and thoughts.

I don't want to be with people.

I want to sit in my room.  Or at my lab.  Somewhere alone.  Somewhere where I can sit and process and write and catch up on all the messages that I've left unanswered.

I don't think he's gonna call tonight.  That's fine.  It's better that I work this out by myself.  Keyboard and screen as my listeners, my own thoughts to answer me back.

post forthcoming.

"And that's your job: to be there to pick up the pieces"

Those words will always strike me.  A beautiful image.  Beautifully broken, of course... but it holds true, and it is something I cherish.



Sometimes our feelings are aligned in ways I never thought they would align, and we speak each other's minds.


None of us are there yet.
I've seen that more than ever.  And somehow I find it so beautiful.

That in Christ, it all falls away.  That in Christ, we are perfect.