"God, why are you so good to me.
This. couldn't have happened. without God.
I can't even.
I don't.
why are you so good to me. I don't deserve this.
thank You."
these thoughts were running through my head again and again tonight. Maybe someday far in the future, I'll be able to elaborate more, but tonight was just so... good. So amazing. One of those, "This couldn't have been a coincidence because, man... it was just what I needed. It's everything I've ever wanted."
like seriously. 2011 was full of everything I've ever wanted.
And I don't know why God has blessed me so much. It's just so... not fair. Some people get nothing. I don't know why I get it all.
Luke 12:48, then. "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." Certainly, I am willing to give much. How could I not?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
On Being One-Dimensional
So what Alvin told me was that I seemed to make being gay like all that I was. It was like you could only see one side of me, and that was being gay. He felt like I put this gay side of me out there, and I just hid behind that side, in the shadows of that person.
Of course, he said that he would never be able to understand how deeply this affects me and he thinks that it should be a large part of my life and that I have blessed the church with my struggles and convictions, and that he doesn't actually think I'm 1D and I'm really quite well-rounded, but it just felt like every time I spoke to CCF, it was about being gay. Which we both knew it was because there were people who didn't know I was gay and celibate, but I think his point was good.
Am I letting myself be defined by my sexuality? Where am I placing my identity?
Ah, I remember when I used to ask for prayer about placing my identity in Christ before I ever came out. And maybe after too? I can't really remember... but it certainly has dropped to never thinking about my identity in Christ. I guess I thought I had it all figured out.
Wrong.
I do have a better idea of what that means, having one's identity in Christ--it begins with preaching the Gospel... not to others, but to myself. Of Jesus' sacrifice for our lives and how much we are worth because of Him and His resurrection.
I remember Miranda telling me that she felt like I was obsessing over my LPAP instructor, and I told her that I didn't think I was. I mean, I may make a blog post about him every once in a while, but he's not someone who is constantly on my mind. Or really, he is rarely on my mind (except of course, during class).
I didn't bring this up at the time... I started to, but then I couldn't finish.
But I think I talk about how attractive I found him and how great he was because I am still trying to accept being gay and having these attractions. I talk about them--perhaps objectively or subjectively, in an excessive manner--because I want to kind of normalize this behavior for myself. Like maybe if I talk about it more, I will force myself into accepting it and life will be better.
How do I deal with my physical feelings? I don't think suppression is healthy. So is it just thinking about them less and focusing more on Christ?
That sounds like a great, unattractive Sunday School answer. But sometimes those are what one needs to accept. I think what Alvin said did call into attention what Miranda had indirectly brought up. I told him about my thoughts on maybe overcompensating how much I talk about homosexuality because I still have trouble accepting myself.
Funny. That day, I was like, "Dang, shouldn't I be past having to accept myself? Shouldn't I have been there, done that already?" People practically take me for being the expert in this, and I'm still floundering.
Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to have the answers. Unfortunately, I don't. Heck, I started coming out less than two years ago... of course I'm still gonna be a baby in my understanding and theology of this. but God has definitely provided. Thankfully, Wesley Hill, Eve Tushnet, and many other gay Christian blogs are helping me in reviewing and revising what I believe and what I think about Christianity and homosexuality.
I used to have this constant fear/anger that people would think I would be talking about homosexuality too much and that I shouldn't bring it up that much. I lost that fear, but I wonder if I should be having a healthy fear in the sense of checking where I'm at.
So how often should I be portraying myself as the gay Christian? I want to say until everyone knows that there are gay Christians out there, there are people like me, but I dunno. Some have told me there is a time and a place to come out, and I think that's true. Have I been doing it too often or talking about being gay too often? Hmm. maybe. I've found that I can sometimes wrongly blame being gay for various things. Like I wrote on my tumblr once, "sometimes I find myself wrongly blaming being gay for all sorts of things. The need for relationships, the confusing loneliness, the disappointment, the short-temperedness, the sadness… all of those problems I sometimes want to say that I feel that way because I’m gay, when in actuality, it is really some sin, some other mindset that I can control that is causing me to feel those things. But I end up feeling like it’s something I can’t help but do. Consequently, being gay can become something I hide behind… ugh, so tricky."
Perhaps it's more that Alvin would like me to share about the other struggles/sin in my life... which I believe would be good. Or I thought I tried to, for the most part, but there is definitely more I could bring up, now that I think about it.
In any case, though, I realized that I was far from God for not really being able to accept myself and for my other struggles with lust. Still working on both of those things, but I'd say they appear to not be going too badly. Maybe I'm still on a high from feeling God's love from the gay Christian tumblr explosion that went on a few hours ago, blowing up my dashboard with new followers, new tumblrs to follow, likes, and reblogs, or a high from this morning's sharing and how wonderfully that went, or from organizing friend meet-ups.
I still need to read more and focus more on God... and dang, it's already 2:30 a.m... But yeah, I just wanted to put down what had kinda been going on with all of that, as I promised elaboration, and Karen pointed out that I never gave it. xD
Of course, he said that he would never be able to understand how deeply this affects me and he thinks that it should be a large part of my life and that I have blessed the church with my struggles and convictions, and that he doesn't actually think I'm 1D and I'm really quite well-rounded, but it just felt like every time I spoke to CCF, it was about being gay. Which we both knew it was because there were people who didn't know I was gay and celibate, but I think his point was good.
Am I letting myself be defined by my sexuality? Where am I placing my identity?
Ah, I remember when I used to ask for prayer about placing my identity in Christ before I ever came out. And maybe after too? I can't really remember... but it certainly has dropped to never thinking about my identity in Christ. I guess I thought I had it all figured out.
Wrong.
I do have a better idea of what that means, having one's identity in Christ--it begins with preaching the Gospel... not to others, but to myself. Of Jesus' sacrifice for our lives and how much we are worth because of Him and His resurrection.
I remember Miranda telling me that she felt like I was obsessing over my LPAP instructor, and I told her that I didn't think I was. I mean, I may make a blog post about him every once in a while, but he's not someone who is constantly on my mind. Or really, he is rarely on my mind (except of course, during class).
I didn't bring this up at the time... I started to, but then I couldn't finish.
But I think I talk about how attractive I found him and how great he was because I am still trying to accept being gay and having these attractions. I talk about them--perhaps objectively or subjectively, in an excessive manner--because I want to kind of normalize this behavior for myself. Like maybe if I talk about it more, I will force myself into accepting it and life will be better.
How do I deal with my physical feelings? I don't think suppression is healthy. So is it just thinking about them less and focusing more on Christ?
That sounds like a great, unattractive Sunday School answer. But sometimes those are what one needs to accept. I think what Alvin said did call into attention what Miranda had indirectly brought up. I told him about my thoughts on maybe overcompensating how much I talk about homosexuality because I still have trouble accepting myself.
Funny. That day, I was like, "Dang, shouldn't I be past having to accept myself? Shouldn't I have been there, done that already?" People practically take me for being the expert in this, and I'm still floundering.
Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to have the answers. Unfortunately, I don't. Heck, I started coming out less than two years ago... of course I'm still gonna be a baby in my understanding and theology of this. but God has definitely provided. Thankfully, Wesley Hill, Eve Tushnet, and many other gay Christian blogs are helping me in reviewing and revising what I believe and what I think about Christianity and homosexuality.
I used to have this constant fear/anger that people would think I would be talking about homosexuality too much and that I shouldn't bring it up that much. I lost that fear, but I wonder if I should be having a healthy fear in the sense of checking where I'm at.
So how often should I be portraying myself as the gay Christian? I want to say until everyone knows that there are gay Christians out there, there are people like me, but I dunno. Some have told me there is a time and a place to come out, and I think that's true. Have I been doing it too often or talking about being gay too often? Hmm. maybe. I've found that I can sometimes wrongly blame being gay for various things. Like I wrote on my tumblr once, "sometimes I find myself wrongly blaming being gay for all sorts of things. The need for relationships, the confusing loneliness, the disappointment, the short-temperedness, the sadness… all of those problems I sometimes want to say that I feel that way because I’m gay, when in actuality, it is really some sin, some other mindset that I can control that is causing me to feel those things. But I end up feeling like it’s something I can’t help but do. Consequently, being gay can become something I hide behind… ugh, so tricky."
Perhaps it's more that Alvin would like me to share about the other struggles/sin in my life... which I believe would be good. Or I thought I tried to, for the most part, but there is definitely more I could bring up, now that I think about it.
In any case, though, I realized that I was far from God for not really being able to accept myself and for my other struggles with lust. Still working on both of those things, but I'd say they appear to not be going too badly. Maybe I'm still on a high from feeling God's love from the gay Christian tumblr explosion that went on a few hours ago, blowing up my dashboard with new followers, new tumblrs to follow, likes, and reblogs, or a high from this morning's sharing and how wonderfully that went, or from organizing friend meet-ups.
I still need to read more and focus more on God... and dang, it's already 2:30 a.m... But yeah, I just wanted to put down what had kinda been going on with all of that, as I promised elaboration, and Karen pointed out that I never gave it. xD
Sunday, December 25, 2011
I made an "All the Things" meme for tonight
cause one of the people i follow
made tumblr blow up
with gay Christianity.
And now it's racking up notes.
Hurry,
while it's still relevant.
LULZ. GUISE. I FEEL SO POPULAR RIGHT NAO.
cause one of the people i follow
made tumblr blow up
with gay Christianity.
And now it's racking up notes.
Hurry,
while it's still relevant.
LULZ. GUISE. I FEEL SO POPULAR RIGHT NAO.
It went well. Thanks so much for all the prayers and support, guys! They undoubtedly helped, and were answered all nice and positively by God. =)
I didn't think they'd take it poorly, but I did have this scenario in my head where I would be in tears and publish some post just saying, "It was bad. Can't talk about it right now... need time to recover." or something awful like that. But it wasn't like that at all, and having that juxtaposition between what could have happened and what did happen makes me all the more grateful to God.
Here's what one of my youth members fb messaged me after,
"Just letting you know that my thoughts towards you have not been changed at all. Actually, that's a lie. After you came out to us today, I have mounds more respect for you. I'm really proud and happy of your decision to stay single and celibate.
You, my friend, have earned your spot on my list of role models. "
I didn't tell you after church today, but thanks for sharing your testimony and coming out to the whole youth group! It was incredibly brave and really encouraging. I'll definitely keep you in my prayers because it must have been and probably is currently a difficult journey. I hope that no one in youth group or any person you meet will treat you differently when you tell them, but if it helps, I have always looked up to you and will continue to. I've always considered you somewhat of an expert on theology and the Bible--I think most of the youth group always has. Little consolation, I know, but I thought I might tell you now. Yeah, but thanks again. I know that God will continue to use you in any way he can to glorify his name."
I didn't think they'd take it poorly, but I did have this scenario in my head where I would be in tears and publish some post just saying, "It was bad. Can't talk about it right now... need time to recover." or something awful like that. But it wasn't like that at all, and having that juxtaposition between what could have happened and what did happen makes me all the more grateful to God.
Here's what one of my youth members fb messaged me after,
"Just letting you know that my thoughts towards you have not been changed at all. Actually, that's a lie. After you came out to us today, I have mounds more respect for you. I'm really proud and happy of your decision to stay single and celibate.
You, my friend, have earned your spot on my list of role models. "
Awww... =' ) So sweet.
The girl is actually in 10th grade... thinking about it, she could've actually been one of my campers at Impact! haha. It's weird to see my youth group members who are in 9th grade and also thinking about how they could be in Kevin and my Sunday School class. lol.
Two of my close friends were really excited that I came out. One of them is a freshman at Eastman School of Music (the #1 music school in the nation! dangggg), and claims that 70% of the guys there are gay... he was actually fairly homophobic in the past, but he said he's a lot better now and has learned so much from this semester from hanging out with all his friends. He was saying how it was kinda like he was ready to handle this now. haha.
The other friend, who's the sister of that freshman, was saying that now she can say that she has a gay friend who is Christian, as a lot of her friends said they were still hung up about homosexuality as it relates to Christianity.
It is so nice being open with everyone, and being able to talk about the areas in my life pertaining to me being gay. After church, as we were all hanging out in the sanctuary talking, it felt really good. I was actually pretty thankful to be gay and experience these feelings of acceptance and a genuine desire to get to know me and what I've been going through. It was scarier, coming out to people who have known you for most of your life. But it was definitely so much more rewarding. After coming out, I wasn't shaking like I was after I came out to all the youth's families during that one dinner in the middle of babysitting. Also, our pastor's son asked if we could all pray for me, and that was really nice. =)
awww, and one of my other youth members (sophomore in college) just fb messaged me this,
"Hey David!
I didn't tell you after church today, but thanks for sharing your testimony and coming out to the whole youth group! It was incredibly brave and really encouraging. I'll definitely keep you in my prayers because it must have been and probably is currently a difficult journey. I hope that no one in youth group or any person you meet will treat you differently when you tell them, but if it helps, I have always looked up to you and will continue to. I've always considered you somewhat of an expert on theology and the Bible--I think most of the youth group always has. Little consolation, I know, but I thought I might tell you now. Yeah, but thanks again. I know that God will continue to use you in any way he can to glorify his name."
Yay! I hope they don't mind me posting all these messages... lol... hmmm, maybe since I'll be giving them my blog address, I might need to not post so many details... >_<
Nine hours and they'll all know.
I decided to make my coming out to my home church more of a low-key, have whoever wants to share about their lives from college talk about what they've learned, how God has been working in their lives, what God has placed on their heart, etc. Inspired by our last impromptu junior hangout and Hannah's crafting of that e-mail. I think it'll be good, in part because I didn't have to prepare some long message, and also because I don't want me coming out to just be about me and my experiences, and also since I get to hear what other people have been learning/experiencing from God.
Some interesting things, or just chronicling recent events in my life so far.
Some interesting things, or just chronicling recent events in my life so far.
- Plane ride from Houston to Seattle
- sat by a Christian guy and his daughter (noticed I was reading Ecclesiastes and commented on it, and then I saw he was wearing some Christian Athlete association/organization jacket)
- Plane ride from Seattle to Pasco (Tri-Cities)
- sat by a girl who told me about her girlfriend
- On the Greyhound from Pasco to Seattle
- pretty sure the two guys who sat behind me were gay. Hardcore tried to eavesdrop on them whenever they were talking.
- Came out to my best friend from middle/high school, who's in Seattle and won't be there on Sunday when I speak.
- Went well, he was supportive and encouraging.
- Sat at Shari's (kinda like the equivalent of a House of Pies) with my youth group members on Friday (last night)
- At one point, one person brought up that venn diagram of Nice, Handsome, and Smart guys, where the overlapping of all three parts is Gay.
- During that convo, I'm pretty sure I was like, "Well, you know, some of us just get all the luck. ;)" but it was kind of purposely when no one was paying attention to me.
- Wanted to ask if that meant that if you were gay, does that mean you are automatically nice, handsome, and smart? ;D
- At our Christmas Eve church potluck tonight
- After one of my youth group asked about how the talk about gay marriage went, since she was still in college, someone else in my youth group (another college freshman) mentioned that we just don't know enough.
- I asked, "Don't know enough about what?"
- She responded like about being gay, since she wasn't gay after all. Obviously she assumed I wasn't. haha.
- I felt like saying, "Actually, I know a lot about that." haha. or maybe I should have said, "Well, speak for yourself!"
- It'll be interesting to see how they react tomorrow.
- Other stuff
- At my friend's Christmas Eve party after the potluck
- Came out to her, since she may not be there tomorrow morning at church as her family is off shopping. That also went well, and she was supportive; we scheduled a breakfast to talk about it and other stuff more. =)
Oh hey, just looked up Bill Henson's blog again, billhenson.blogspot.com
Saw that HCC got a shout-out!
"One of the most exciting events of 2011 was our Posture Shift seminar at Houston Chinese Church (HCC) in Houston, TX. Homosexuality can be a difficult topic for many ethnic churches. However, our changing culture is driving a much higher need for these churches to get equipped. We saw this rise occur in 2011.
The HCC pastoral team courageously invited their congregation and area Chinese pastors. Over 150 people attended. Near the end, Pastor F. invited young adults who struggle with sexuality and gender to privately meet with us. He said he wanted them to know they have spiritual support in their home church. Several young men responded and opened their hearts to “their” pastor. HCC deserves top honors for “living out” the Posture Shift teaching."
I was part of "several young men." lol--yay!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
*follow ALL the gay Christian tumblrs!* (mostly the ones trying to be celibate from same-sex relationships like me, for added support)
I've kinda felt that way these past couple of weeks, haha. It has been really good, though, reading their posts and having some dialogue with a few of them. =) I've noticed that tumblr lends itself a lot more to outreach, as most people who read my blogspot are likely to be my close friends, and tumblr feeds on reblogs and different categories. For instance, I wondered why it was that some of the tumblrs I read get all these questions from other random people, and I think it's probably because they use tags. So maybe I'll start doing that if I want an influx of news about what I write.
I did get a couple of questions, which I tried to answer, and freedchristian.tumblr.com replied that I had a really good reply! =D I felt honored.
Anyway, I realized some important things just now, which I wrote about on my tumblr. Here's the recreated post:
"My goal isn't to be straight;
it's to be holy... no matter what my orientation.
I credit Bev for pointing me to Christopher Yuan's blog right after Urbana '09, which I think in many ways prepared me to come out to my first person that March.
After reading some of freedchristian's responses about reorientation (i.e. going from one sexual orientation to another orientation) and such, I felt a slight uneasiness about the whole idea of becoming straight. I wasn't quite sure why, so I didn't bring it up to him.
But I thought about Christopher Yuan's blog just now, looked it up, and found this post. (Seriously, go read his blog. It's a gold mine of information that brought me a lot of comfort back in Jan '10. And it is still so applicable, especially as I get ready to come out to my church and educate them about homosexuality on Sunday.) In it, Yuan states that
"The major misconception within the Church is that heterosexuality is what is normal and that this is what God has ordained. But when we look in Scripture, there are about seven times more references to adultery, fornication and lust - all sins associated with heterosexuality - when compared to homosexuality. Now I'm not trying to justify homosexuality but I'm just proving a point that neither homosexuality or heterosexuality should be the goal for any Christian. Heterosexuality is too broad encompassing adultery, fornication and lust (which are all sins).
The goal for all Christians should be HOLY SEXUALITY.
God has clearly set out what holy sexuality means. God gives us two options for holy sexuality: if we are single, then abstinence and if we are married, then faithfulness (and God has very clearly proscribed marriage to be with a man and a woman).
Therefore, my goal has never been to become straight. Because if I become straight, then I would begin lusting after women (which is a sin) and I would still have to focus on holy sexuality. My goal is holiness."
This explains why I have resisted praying or really caring for my orientation to change/for my same-sex attractions to go away. I thought it was because I just liked being unique and I liked having this important message that I felt God gave me to bridge gaps and educate people with. While both these reasons probably still play a large part, I think it's more that I am influenced by Yuan's logic and thoughts. It likely has also helped in accepting myself and the fact that this is just the cross I have to bear. After all, if you take out society's influence and the painful degradation of those with same-sex attractions, any person who has sexual feelings has similar crosses to bear.
I also think his ideas are important to pay attention to when talking with those who are not straight, whether they be Christian or not. This also plays into the question of fluid sexuality, or what one's orientation means in general. The truth is, it all really doesn't matter. The point isn't to ask people to focus on getting rid of their physical same-sex attractions; it's to ask people to be holy in the midst of them."
I've kinda felt that way these past couple of weeks, haha. It has been really good, though, reading their posts and having some dialogue with a few of them. =) I've noticed that tumblr lends itself a lot more to outreach, as most people who read my blogspot are likely to be my close friends, and tumblr feeds on reblogs and different categories. For instance, I wondered why it was that some of the tumblrs I read get all these questions from other random people, and I think it's probably because they use tags. So maybe I'll start doing that if I want an influx of news about what I write.
I did get a couple of questions, which I tried to answer, and freedchristian.tumblr.com replied that I had a really good reply! =D I felt honored.
Anyway, I realized some important things just now, which I wrote about on my tumblr. Here's the recreated post:
"My goal isn't to be straight;
it's to be holy... no matter what my orientation.
I credit Bev for pointing me to Christopher Yuan's blog right after Urbana '09, which I think in many ways prepared me to come out to my first person that March.
After reading some of freedchristian's responses about reorientation (i.e. going from one sexual orientation to another orientation) and such, I felt a slight uneasiness about the whole idea of becoming straight. I wasn't quite sure why, so I didn't bring it up to him.
But I thought about Christopher Yuan's blog just now, looked it up, and found this post. (Seriously, go read his blog. It's a gold mine of information that brought me a lot of comfort back in Jan '10. And it is still so applicable, especially as I get ready to come out to my church and educate them about homosexuality on Sunday.) In it, Yuan states that
"The major misconception within the Church is that heterosexuality is what is normal and that this is what God has ordained. But when we look in Scripture, there are about seven times more references to adultery, fornication and lust - all sins associated with heterosexuality - when compared to homosexuality. Now I'm not trying to justify homosexuality but I'm just proving a point that neither homosexuality or heterosexuality should be the goal for any Christian. Heterosexuality is too broad encompassing adultery, fornication and lust (which are all sins).
The goal for all Christians should be HOLY SEXUALITY.
God has clearly set out what holy sexuality means. God gives us two options for holy sexuality: if we are single, then abstinence and if we are married, then faithfulness (and God has very clearly proscribed marriage to be with a man and a woman).
Therefore, my goal has never been to become straight. Because if I become straight, then I would begin lusting after women (which is a sin) and I would still have to focus on holy sexuality. My goal is holiness."
This explains why I have resisted praying or really caring for my orientation to change/for my same-sex attractions to go away. I thought it was because I just liked being unique and I liked having this important message that I felt God gave me to bridge gaps and educate people with. While both these reasons probably still play a large part, I think it's more that I am influenced by Yuan's logic and thoughts. It likely has also helped in accepting myself and the fact that this is just the cross I have to bear. After all, if you take out society's influence and the painful degradation of those with same-sex attractions, any person who has sexual feelings has similar crosses to bear.
I also think his ideas are important to pay attention to when talking with those who are not straight, whether they be Christian or not. This also plays into the question of fluid sexuality, or what one's orientation means in general. The truth is, it all really doesn't matter. The point isn't to ask people to focus on getting rid of their physical same-sex attractions; it's to ask people to be holy in the midst of them."
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