"We need to get into the same medical school!"

I just sit there, in the corner, and watch their conversation.

I'm eavesdropping, looking in from the outside, and wondering why
I can't share the same things with someone else.

Why doesn't someone share the same thoughts,
the same feelings,
the same desires?

These are the times when I feel like I need to get out of here.

I can't handle this much longer.



i'm so insecure around you.
Are we unnatural?
Maybe it's best that we'll drop it in the end.

I know this isn't how it's supposed to be.



maybe it wouldn't be any different elsewhere, though.
---

I can see myself falling in love with an adorkable boy.

Like today, in p. chem, when the prof made a joke that I found somewhat amusing,
but not amusing enough to laugh.
There was this guy in the front row who laughed audibly and smiled and the prof
looked over and smiled too.

I thought, "I could fall in love with a guy like that."

He wasn't particularly built or incredibly good-looking,
he was just kinda cute and adorkable.

I could be with someone like that.

Someone who trips over himself,
who smiles genuinely when he feels awkward or embarrassed,
who is willing to dance when he knows he's not dancing well,
but who laughs it off anyway.

Someone who tries to be mature,
who can talk queer theory
and politics and theology like the best of them,
but who's a little naive,
and part-kid through and through.

Someone who's not afraid to love,
and love fiercely,
even if it means
his heart is
open for me to touch.


I could really be with someone like that.

---

I'll sit here alone,
night after night,
the only one on this floor, it seems.

Does anyone actually want to be like this?
Maybe I just handle it as de facto for my life,
and it becomes almost the norm.

My Dream Back-Up Plan

If I don't get into medical school, here's my dream plan.

First Year

• First, work for about half-a-year... perhaps some lab work?  More lab work at the lab I've been at for the past 3 years?  (I might not actually mind doing it.  I've heard if you work at Rice, you get to take one free class per semester that you get actual credit for.  Maybe that only applies to some people working at specific jobs, though.  In any case, maybe I would take a semester of Arabic or Koine Greek?  Or maybe Modern Arabic would be too many credits and not qualify.  Ooh, if 5 credits were ok, maybe I could take the Ling department's Field Methods, actually, and get a head start on my second year primary plan.)
• While I'm working for that first half-year, apply for Marshall scholarship to study in the UK
• Then go to Bolivia for three months, maybe China/Singapore for three months.  Or maybe Bolivia for six.
• Plane ticket for Bolivia ~$1000 - $1500, and then $500 per month for food/accommodation/volunteering.  So  if I stay in Bolivia for six months, and can save up at least $4500 , with another ~$2000 for travelling (The Salt Flats of Uyuni during the rainy season! La Paz!  Maybe even Peru and Machu Picchu?), I should be good.  $6500 would be roughly 5 months of working if I worked full-time and got a net income of $8 an hour.
• I've never been to Singapore and thus have never met one of my dad's sisters (he only has two), and one of my cousins (I only have three cousins on both sides).  It'd be cool to see what Singapore is like.

Second Year

• Reapply for medical school
• Assuming I get the Marshall scholarhip, get a Master's in Language Documentation and Description in London in one year.  (*drool*)  If I don't... I suppose get some loans to pay for it?
• Alternate plan:  Get a Master of Divinity (also *drool*).  Maybe learn some Koine Greek in that degree to someday do Bible translation?  This would possibly be a three-year program, though.
• Alternate plan #2:  Get an MPH in a year or two.
• Alternate plan #3:  Go to beauty school and learn about barbering so I can cut my own hair (this may be done during the First Year instead).

Although the alternate plans would be expensive (an M. Div program at Duke would be a pricey $20,000 a year, not including food/accommodation/insurance!  D=  I wonder if they have good financial aid), they'd be pretty awesome.  And beauty school is something I just recently started entertaining... haha.  Kevin was rather taken aback that I was looking at barbering/cosmetology programs and was all like, "Who are you??" I suppose getting a certificate/degree in barbering would be a rather long route just to learn how to cut my own hair.  Still though.  Learning new things is cool.  I'd put culinary school on there too, if I didn't feel like I'm up to snuff for that.

Well, actually writing that all out makes me kind of really want to go through with all of this... =|

At the same time, I feel this urge to just get out and be useful to the world, and since I seem to currently see my "usefulness" through medicine, getting an MD and perhaps an MPH as soon as I possibly can would still be preferable.

From Singled Out

". . . Eugene Peterson provides us with an interesting starting point.  He references John Calvin's commentary on the Psalms when he asserts that "we must develop better and deeper concepts of happiness than those held by the world, which makes a happy life to consist in 'ease, honours, and great wealth.'" For many of us the desire to marry would fall under "ease." While marriage certainly is a lot of hard work (a truth to which all our married friends would attest) and it certainly has its share of trials, most singles think being married would make life easier.  We would have companionship and someone to turn to in a time of need; we would have an outlet for our sexual desires; we wouldn't have to worry about whom to bring to the company Christmas party; we would be accepted by the church.  But is this truly all that God has in store for us?  Peterson writes,

We live in a time when everyone's goal is to be perpetually healthy and constantly happy.  If any one of us fails to live up to the standards that are advertised as normative, we are labeled as a problem to be solved, and a host of well-intentioned people rush to try out various cures on us.  Or we are looked on as an enigma to be unraveled, in which case we are subjected to endless discussions, our lives examined by researchers zealous for the clue that will account for our lack of health or happiness.

Peterson's description of how people often react to those whose lives aren't "normative" and happy sounds remarkably like how the church reacts to those who are not married and even how society at large reacts to those who are not in a romantic relationship."

--pg. 134-135, Singled Out:  Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church

(I am loving this book!)