(For brief background on this post, see
Step One and
Step Two)
"Mom, are you crying?"
"So you can tell, huh?"
The two of us were sitting in Tony Roma's today for lunch, since my mom saved a coupon for 2 Prime Rib dinners for $20. Unfortunately, we'd been waiting for over half-an-hour for our food.
"Look, I was just kidding about how we should've gone to the mall first, and
then eaten. Don't cry!" I said, even though I knew that that wasn't the reason why she was crying.
"No, I'm not crying because of that... it's because I was thinking of you and how you'll no longer have a normal life..."
Yes, I came out to my parents. On Wednesday, hours after I got back home, I decided to just get down to business. I sat my parents and my grandma down and told them I had something to tell them. Thinking it was good news, they were eager to hear what I had to say. But even after I let them know that it wasn't good news, they still waited happily.
I prayed, prefaced with the fact that I might not be using to right Chinese words, collected myself for a couple of moments, and said, "我是。。。同性恋。"
Immediately, my dad laughed and said, "Really?" and my mom and grandma smiled, a little nervously, still in disbelief.
"Yes," I replied. The following conversation would involve my grandma saying under her breath "不好," my frustration at not being able to say "physical attraction," "lust," or even "sex" (I stuck to "doing things with." hahaha.) in Chinese, and my parents overall disbelief. I thought it went pretty well, as my mom towards the end of our talk told me that no matter what, they would always love me. I smiled and gave her a hug, saying, "Good job, Mom. Appropriate response!" and my dad laughed.
The next day, I would find out that my family didn't actually understand. Both my parents and my grandma are Christians, so the day before I tried to explain the views I held and argue for their basis in the Bible, and tried to relate my possibly permanent celibacy to a monk (or as my dad thought of, like the girl in
Sound of Music").
They still thought that I was just mistaken, and my mom tried to give examples of how a family friend's older brother, when he was younger, didn't chase after anyone, but then when he met the right girl, they got married, and how when she was younger, she wasn't interested in guys, and she just had fun with her girl friends. I interrupted her, saying, "That's different. Did you want to have sex with them? No. You see? That's the difference." (not saying that I want to have sex with my guy friends... egh. lol. but that was to merely emphasize a point). Sure, I wanted to get married to a girl, but I am much more physically attracted to guys.
At Tony Roma's, since we were sitting close to the front entrance, my mom asked if we could switch places so that people wouldn't see her crying. Her crying had made me tear up too, but we collected ourselves and continued waiting for our food.
Once it came, my mom was about to dig into the green beans, when I asked her if she wanted to pray. She asked if I was gonna pray or if she was, and I told her to. I was hungry, so I was hoping that she'd make the prayer quick (selfish, I know). But of course, I had a feeling it wasn't going to be.
In Chinese, she began to pray for me about being gay, about me being brave, about thanking God that I would share this with them, about the Lord supporting me and comforting me when my parents aren't there, about taking it away, about so many things... intermixed were occasional voice breaks and sobs, and so I switched hands so I could comfort her shoulder (side note... it's a pretty rare thing for me to hear my parents pray... and such an extensive prayer I've probably only heard less than a couple handfuls of times from my entire family combined. So it was nice. =) ).
I guess this whole thing has been much harder for my parents than I realized it would be. I'm kind of getting over the fact that I'm gay (or at least, not as "shocked" anymore), and am just accepting it, so it's a bit of a different feeling to have to convince others that I am. My parents really don't feel comfortable with me telling my friends here in the Tri-Cities, though. =( My mom has gone back and forth with her letting me, and then telling me not to, and then allowing me again, and etc. Their main reasoning is that I won't be here to explain to all the parents who will ask them about it.
To an extent, I think a lot of it is embarrassment/shame of me... which is ok, I guess. I feel that way about myself oftentimes. But I think I'm entitled to a little bit of shaming, because heck, I've been a pretty dang good kid so far, if I do say so myself. xD And this shouldn't be something to be ashamed of... this
should be something that is talked about. Unfortunately, my parents don't see any point in me sharing about it, besides my own personal desire to share. They want me to "wait" until I'm even more sure, I guess (which they said would be when I was ~25 y/o?)... although I told them that's what I'd been doing for the past few years. Still, I'm almost starting not to see any other benefit in sharing either. =\
I just want it out there. I'd hate to live two lives.
Half of me wants to just tell my parents to be brave for me and take it. The other half realizes that this must be kinda traumatic for them. No one in my family has slept well the last couple of nights (besides me... haha. >_<) Apparently neither my mom nor my grandma had
any idea (or at least, they say so... but it sounded a little like they'd been immediately denying any possibility when it came up), and my dad did only because of my friendship with Chris.
Anyway, it's a little disheartening to be the cause of your mother's crying. =( I know it's not
really my fault... but still.
Well, this sort of thing just takes time. Here's to trusting God again... and may I be patient and gracious with my family.
