I am more irritable and impatient than I can ever recall being.
I suppose that's the only update.
I'm just going to publish this.
---
10/24
Was this only a week-and-a-half ago that I wrote most of this?
I no longer feel as sad as I did back then, but I think time just blows things over. Or you have your crisis, and after a while, your brain mercifully lets you off from it. Sure, I could be crippled by this for the next year, but that's simply not practical. Thank you, God, for the respite, and for realizing that maybe it doesn't matter so much.
Even if it doesn't matter that much, it doesn't change the fact that what I wrote below is still fresh and poignant to me.
---
10/14
I don't say that I didn't go because I can't handle seeing the two of you together since it just reminds me of what I don't have.
maybe I want him to be gay so that there will be someone who can finally be that person for me. we're at similar levels of age and maturity, and maybe he'll be someone who needs to share this experience with me. Someone who can get me, and whom I can get, and whom not just anyone can have a monopoly on because our experiences are so unique to everyone else and yet so much the same to each other.
"You're my person," Cristina and Meredith tell each other. The emergency contact person. The one who needs to know--who wants to know--what's happening. The one who sticks through the relationship and through the marriage and with whom you can trudge through life together and come out on the other side together. Battered and scathed from the surrounding events... but at least you have each other.
it is sad, isn't it? to go through college and realize you don't have those deep friendships that you're supposed to build. To come to year four and find out you've just about failed again.
it's funny, how similar I feel to my posts a year-and-a-half.
Actually, it's not funny at all. I really hate that I do.
It's like nothing's changing. And so that's another reason why I feel like I need to get out.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
is this the part where I snap?
The part where I go back on my word. The part where I give up on what I said I believe in. The part where I break down.
It doesn't feel like it's my time... so i'm guessing no.
But the only thing people say to me is how hard it must be and what an encouragement I am to them.
That's just not enough anymore.
The part where I go back on my word. The part where I give up on what I said I believe in. The part where I break down.
It doesn't feel like it's my time... so i'm guessing no.
But the only thing people say to me is how hard it must be and what an encouragement I am to them.
That's just not enough anymore.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Dangers of Emotional Purity/Courtship
http://darcysheartstirrings.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-teachings-of-emotional-purity-and.html
THOUGHTS?? (and thoughts on the next two posts in the series?)
Josh Yip posted this on his tumblr, and I felt that it, and the next two posts in the series, were quite good, insightful, and thoughts I've been wondering too. The third point in this first post... man. Good stuff. And I think it articulates a lot of the fear between guy/girl friendships.
In the second post, I didn't read all of the responses from other people, but I did think it was sad that so many people seemed to have the same story of having almost no opposite-sex friendships. Perhaps it's in part a product of how sexualized our culture is... everyone feels like there must be this sexual tension in opposite sex friendships, even when there isn't.
It's also interesting because I think people shy away from close opposite-sex friendships because they're afraid one person will fall for the other. But the author brings up a good point: so what? It'll be painful.
This section in particular made me think.
"I think the pain of heartbreak is exactly what motivates IKDG [I Kissed Dating Goodbye] and every mother who loves the book.
And the pain of heartbreak isn't just a poor motivator.
Fleeing it is outright wrong.
Heartbreak is something we need to brave to be alive, human, Christian.
Heartbreak is part of being in God's image. All of creation groans until it is united with him and God yearns to be united with us. The tragedy of sin is the rend it creates in our relationship with God - our separation from him breaks his heart. This is why the cross was worthwhile to Him. If we are to imitate Christ, we cannot avoid heartbreak. Christ courageously loved us despite knowing in advance that his heart would be broken...
And honestly, how would we feel about Christ and God if he never really loved us and it never really pained him that we didn't love him back?"
And those last sentences... I actually was thinking about a similar topic earlier today or yesterday. I was thinking about how when Heaven comes, none of us will feel sadness or pain, and then I was wondering that since God is completely fulfilled in the Trinity, if God feels sadness or pain. I thought, yes, of course He does, like what about the verses regarding grieving the Holy Spirit? That's obvious pain/sadness.
But I thought, "Man, that's dumb, God. Why would you care about what we do and letting that hurt you?" He could be happy all the time, He could be content, and never suffer.
And yet the crazy thing is that He does care. He does suffer. He chooses to, for our sake because He cares for us. I think that last sentence with the question really hit that home for me. "...honestly, how would we feel about Christ and God if he never really loved us and it never really pained him that we didn't love him back?"
Anyway, before that quote, the second post points out that you'll fall out of love if it isn't right, assuming you're seeking for a right relationship.
"If you fall in love, pursue it, no matter how 'wrong' the guy seems to be for you. Chase it for all it is worth. (Except: do it in a healthy, boundary-conscious way.) If it is not the relationship God intends for you to have, you will fall out of love. This is true! This is what the books for some reason ignore. If it's an unhealthy relationship and you are committed to developing a healthy relationship, the relationship will end."
Which I thought was interesting--a little dangerous, but perhaps only mainly for the fact that you could get heartbroken. I guess maybe some people are worried that they won't fall out of love, that the unhealthy relationship won't end, they won't see the unhealthiness, and will forever end up in a bad relationship with the person they fell in love with? I think maybe the author is right in asserting that it will end, though. But maybe it just won't end on the time scale that you want it to, and that's just dangerous? Like she kinda hints at, however, life is risky after all.
(Times when i'm a little glad I'm gay because I'm not paranoid/don't think too far in how close or not close my relationships with girls should be. haha. As for guys, well, if the guy is straight, nothing will result from it anyway, and I don't know enough gay guys/I don't hang around enough for us to get that close. I may be actually still damaged a bit from these thoughts and principles because they're so pervasive in our Christian culture, but I don't feel the effects as much as others might.)
THOUGHTS?? (and thoughts on the next two posts in the series?)
Josh Yip posted this on his tumblr, and I felt that it, and the next two posts in the series, were quite good, insightful, and thoughts I've been wondering too. The third point in this first post... man. Good stuff. And I think it articulates a lot of the fear between guy/girl friendships.
In the second post, I didn't read all of the responses from other people, but I did think it was sad that so many people seemed to have the same story of having almost no opposite-sex friendships. Perhaps it's in part a product of how sexualized our culture is... everyone feels like there must be this sexual tension in opposite sex friendships, even when there isn't.
It's also interesting because I think people shy away from close opposite-sex friendships because they're afraid one person will fall for the other. But the author brings up a good point: so what? It'll be painful.
This section in particular made me think.
"I think the pain of heartbreak is exactly what motivates IKDG [I Kissed Dating Goodbye] and every mother who loves the book.
And the pain of heartbreak isn't just a poor motivator.
Fleeing it is outright wrong.
Heartbreak is something we need to brave to be alive, human, Christian.
Heartbreak is part of being in God's image. All of creation groans until it is united with him and God yearns to be united with us. The tragedy of sin is the rend it creates in our relationship with God - our separation from him breaks his heart. This is why the cross was worthwhile to Him. If we are to imitate Christ, we cannot avoid heartbreak. Christ courageously loved us despite knowing in advance that his heart would be broken...
And honestly, how would we feel about Christ and God if he never really loved us and it never really pained him that we didn't love him back?"
And those last sentences... I actually was thinking about a similar topic earlier today or yesterday. I was thinking about how when Heaven comes, none of us will feel sadness or pain, and then I was wondering that since God is completely fulfilled in the Trinity, if God feels sadness or pain. I thought, yes, of course He does, like what about the verses regarding grieving the Holy Spirit? That's obvious pain/sadness.
But I thought, "Man, that's dumb, God. Why would you care about what we do and letting that hurt you?" He could be happy all the time, He could be content, and never suffer.
And yet the crazy thing is that He does care. He does suffer. He chooses to, for our sake because He cares for us. I think that last sentence with the question really hit that home for me. "...honestly, how would we feel about Christ and God if he never really loved us and it never really pained him that we didn't love him back?"
Anyway, before that quote, the second post points out that you'll fall out of love if it isn't right, assuming you're seeking for a right relationship.
"If you fall in love, pursue it, no matter how 'wrong' the guy seems to be for you. Chase it for all it is worth. (Except: do it in a healthy, boundary-conscious way.) If it is not the relationship God intends for you to have, you will fall out of love. This is true! This is what the books for some reason ignore. If it's an unhealthy relationship and you are committed to developing a healthy relationship, the relationship will end."
Which I thought was interesting--a little dangerous, but perhaps only mainly for the fact that you could get heartbroken. I guess maybe some people are worried that they won't fall out of love, that the unhealthy relationship won't end, they won't see the unhealthiness, and will forever end up in a bad relationship with the person they fell in love with? I think maybe the author is right in asserting that it will end, though. But maybe it just won't end on the time scale that you want it to, and that's just dangerous? Like she kinda hints at, however, life is risky after all.
(Times when i'm a little glad I'm gay because I'm not paranoid/don't think too far in how close or not close my relationships with girls should be. haha. As for guys, well, if the guy is straight, nothing will result from it anyway, and I don't know enough gay guys/I don't hang around enough for us to get that close. I may be actually still damaged a bit from these thoughts and principles because they're so pervasive in our Christian culture, but I don't feel the effects as much as others might.)
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