Self-Realization

Relationships.

I never would've thought I would want this, but for the past couple of weeks, I've just been wondering what being in a relationship with a guy would be like.  If I were to get into a relationship, I wouldn't let us do anything further than hold hands and maybe kiss... which for the longest time would have been abhorrent to me to do with a guy.

Now, though, as I'm really starting to come out, I'm beginning to ask some "what if"s to some situations.  What really set me off were just the last couple of episodes of Glee... where Kurt, the openly gay character on the show, meets Blaine, his future boyfriend.  I really like Blaine's character, and they are so cute together... and they sing an awesome duet of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" for the Christmas album, and Blaine's performance of "Teenage Dream" was really good.

But I know it wouldn't be right to pursue these things.  There's this constant, annoying conflict with what I want and with what is right.  I can't see being in a relationship with a guy having any good outcome... it would just be like we were really close friends because, well, there'd be no future in anything else.  Interestingly, just having a really close friend has been what I've wanted for years.  Only now, however, as I entertain relationship possibilities, have I begun to yearn for that more.

I guess if you were to look at the guys I've wanted to be good friends with--my "chosens"--then it makes sense.  Since I've more or less been rejected by each one (or they're currently in another country), and the latest rejection having been just a few weeks ago, I've started to want someone else in my life.  And considering all of them have thus far been straight guys, then why not try a gay guy this time?  Maybe they'd be interested in the same thing.  And if they were a strong Christian, maybe they'd also be NOT interested in the same thing (i.e. having sex... so they'd also understand that it'd be wrong).  Plus, if they were both gay and Christian, we'd have a connection on both those levels already.

So I guess it would ultimately just be like having a best friend.  Dr. Lindsay mentioned that when he talked at Agape's large group last Friday.  Part of his talk was about finding a lifelong mate/spouse and finding a best friend... since every college graduate must decide who their mates/friends will be as they trudge on through life.  Maybe all I want is a "best" friend.  And while I might have many friends whom I'd call "best" friends (which is why I hesitated in using that term until now), currently, there is no one whom I spend a lot of time with, whom I feel really comfortable sharing with, and who I feel actually does want to learn how I tick.

I suppose that might be the root of my woes about relationships... I just don't want to be alone in all of this being gay and being Christian and life confusion.  So maybe I don't need to find another guy, or even another girl, to be in a relationship with... at least, that's what it seems to be now (perhaps when I find that friend, I'll realize that I actually wanted something more.  =\).

Regardless, ^that above was definitely the most productive self-reflection via writing-out-my-thoughts that I've ever had.  It was unexpected... but I guess it should've been predictable.
Thank You, God, for finally settling things a bit.  =)  I think I'm gaining some peace about all of this relationship-seeking.  I might be denying my desire to be in a relationship with a guy, but I think maybe all I want right now is a friend.  that's really reassuring, because I know that's something I want that I can have.  =)