“They’re like brothers,”
she noted,
her eyes crinkling
and her dimple floating
to the surface.
Her smile was like that
of a mother,
watching her giggling
babies
rolling on the floor.
I merely listened.
We sat with our legs
crossed,
observing our friends
from a bench behind the
pool table.
The two had abandoned
their game
and began fighting to
the left,
wrestling and snapping
like puppies
over God-knows-what.
Actually, I knew:
it was probably over
billiards.
One accused the other of
“cheap shots”
and with a grin, pushed
and pulled
at the other’s clothes.
They tussled into a
corner.
I looked away.
I had to look away. I had only her,
and her words were
neurons firing
bullets in my head.
What was being brothers
like?
Their own exclusive relationship,
I guessed.
I could hear muffled
yelps from the alcove
but I couldn’t see them
anymore.
Instead, I gazed at the
leftover pool balls,
islands that
washed up against the walls
and against each other.
I stood up and threw
them
across the green sea,
and they clicked into
their caves
where their roommates
were waiting.
“Yeah, they are like
brothers,” I responded.
One ball was left on the
side of the table.
“Brothers,” my thoughts
repeated.
I pushed it to a corner
and heard it clink. At
least pool balls
always had room for one
more.
-----
I kinda wanted to title this post "Bromance," but that is a whole 'nother topic I could gripe about. Maybe I'll end up griping about it anyway, and then a title of "Bromance" will be apt.
However, I don't need to gripe. For now, suffice it to say that my life is going well. =) I am blessed.
Critique first:
ReplyDelete- I don't understand the "her". I am pretty sure you are using life as a template (maybe?), but in this poem, "her" is confusing to me as a reader because I am not sure what you are trying to tell us by saying she is a friend, mother-like to the bros, and you "only" have her. See, you describe her in the beginning fairly expressively and then mention her in the next stanza, but in the end, what purpose does she serve? The person who speaks the phrase that sets off the entire poem? Someone who makes the author feel more lonely? There is no conclusion/mention of her at the end, then.
- yeah, so I'm not a fan of the first stanza. what purpose does it serve? super confusing. either she needs to become more important to warrant that level of description or... ?
- Also, I am not terribly fond of the word choice of "I responded". I don't know. It just seems a little forced. Add an adjective? Change the verb? I muttered. I said softly. I whispered under my breath. I shrugged. I sighed.
- On metaphors... Your metaphor/similes with the islands, green sea, caves, and roommates... At first glance seems very poetic. But second glance it becomes more confusing than poetic. The images that you are trying to convey... you use three similes in one stanza: 1. island and seas 2. caves 3. roommates (brothers).
You should probably figure out what you're trying to convey and stick with that than cram in more metaphors. The island metaphor was curious because it took a while to understand (like.. a second longer), but it was interesting because it made me think of "every man is an island", which is kind of what the poem touches on. But then, the islands go across the sea into caves and become roommates. Yeah.
Overall thoughts:
- I think you succeeded in doing a narrative poem :)
- I really appreciated the word choice in this poem
- really brilliant ending. i liked the last sentence a lot. Actually, you always have very strong "last sentences". The phrase you leave the reader with... very good.
(oh, small bit of suggestion: maybe add something about pool in the first stanza? would give the poem more continuity. but if not possible, that's fine)
thanks for writing! i really appreciate poems.
um.. the nature of my feedback/critiques are always more on the critiquing aspect, but i really did like this poem.
:) i like the poem, esp the metaphors, the island and green sea, and the ending.
ReplyDeleteAnyway...i must say, praise God that He provides!
now post the kitchen one too =)
ahh, thanks so much for your feedback guys! Karen, you give great advice... my classmates also were having trouble figuring out the relationships between the four people--I tried to make it clearer, but I can see that I need to do that better.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah... I realized my metaphor at the end was getting convoluted. I'll be sure to change that.
And that "her" is you. lol. xD Could you tell?
i liked this poem a lot! i can hear your voice in it very distinctly and that's why I love it. =)
ReplyDeletehaha did not realize O.o
ReplyDelete