Coming out to CCF was never about bravery.  By that time--as I've remarked to several people--it was necessity.  It was just something I had to get off my chest, something that I knew I had to tell people, and something people needed to hear about.

No, being brave has always been a thing of the future.

The bravery part comes when people still make jokes about someone else being gay or about gay people.

It comes when I have to learn to not resent them.

It comes when I realize that they are fallible humans as well

It comes when I have to learn to love them and extend grace instead.

It comes when other people of whatever sexuality are getting into relationships or getting married and I'm still alone.

It comes when no one's really asking me how I'm doing.

It comes when people are asking me how I'm doing and I know I should open up about my struggles.

It comes when I am lonely, when it feels like no one understands, and when I just want someone to be there for me.

All of which, since coming out, I haven't been so good at... being brave, being un-resentful, extending love and grace, opening up...

The last couple days, however, have been good to me.  Big thanks to those who asked me about my last post... although it was painful/embarrassing each time to think back to it and then to directly talk about my post, I was glad to get it out there.  And I think I was really able to sort some things out and hopefully patch things up.  =)

So thanks.  Being brave hasn't been so hard with God and you guys.  =)

I wish I could have what they have.  But I guess you can always wish for the things that you don't have.

Hmmm.  Feeling lonely.  Today was definitely a great day, as I got to help move things, serve others, and even go to Sweet Tomatoes, which I've been wanting to go for like... well over a year, at least.  =)  I could count so many blessings that I've had from today (like Jeff and Dennis giving me Yogurtland!  xD  Thanks again, guys), and I am definitely thankful for each of them.

But I'm still hung up.

His hand poked my arm and I was like, "What the heck?"  Yet it was actually just so he could put his arm around his friend.  He said his arm needed a place to rest and his buddy replied, "Oh... ok."  I just looked out the window and shut my eyes.

"They're like brothers."  Ah, I wish I could know how that felt.  Her words echoed in my head as I saw them playfully fight into an alcove by themselves.  Then, for my own sanity, I looked away.

Aurelia asked me that if I could have any sibling, male or female, older or younger, what would I choose?  I immediately replied that I wanted an older brother.  Maybe not for the best reasons initially, but now I know for sure that I probably wouldn't want anyone else.

Am I hung up about him?  Or just the idea of him?

It's a tragic thing to want to click with someone and not be able to.

The Bridge of San Luis Rey:
"Now he discovered that secret from which one never quite recovers, that even in the most perfect love one person loves less profoundly than the other. There may be two equally good, equally gifted, equally beautiful, but there may never be two that love one another equally well.”
(will definitely go on my tumblr [if I ever get one] as one of those emo quotes, haha.)

And so I pray for someone to fill that void, to support me, to be that intense connection, and maybe even be someone who struggles similarly.

I'm usually ok.  But there are just those times when I cry out to God... when I suddenly feel like expressing my thoughts in Spanish, in some different language because I'm searching for some way to explain how I feel. Those are the times that I will look back on and cherish.

Ah.  oh.  hm.  stare off into the distance.  wonder where you went wrong.

wish I could let go of him.

so annoying.  And he'll never realize.

I can't just tell him to stop doing that.
Oh hey, by the way, you putting that arm around him bothers me, because then you just remind me of what I don't have. Could you stop doing that in front of my face? Or try to include me at least. You wouldn't need to ask. I might be surprised, but it would be a pleasant surprise.

Oh wait, no, I already asked to be included, but that didn't go so well. Frustrating. I'm not the kind of person you'd want to hang out with anyway. I see that now.

I wish I could just accept that and leave it at that, quietly letting you fade from my life. kthx...

"Community is the place where the person you least want to live with always lives." --Parker Palmer.

And so we are a community. and we all belong to each other, Romans 12:5, for better or for worse.

No, definitely for better. How could I grow without suffering, without pain?

From tonight:
Running faster than I should, cart askew, hypercorrecting for craziness, crash course to making excuses together, and simply wanting my feelings to be normal. I'll relish those moments and try to forget that what happens next is our reality.

Back to packing!