"We need to get into the same medical school!"

I just sit there, in the corner, and watch their conversation.

I'm eavesdropping, looking in from the outside, and wondering why
I can't share the same things with someone else.

Why doesn't someone share the same thoughts,
the same feelings,
the same desires?

These are the times when I feel like I need to get out of here.

I can't handle this much longer.



i'm so insecure around you.
Are we unnatural?
Maybe it's best that we'll drop it in the end.

I know this isn't how it's supposed to be.



maybe it wouldn't be any different elsewhere, though.
---

I can see myself falling in love with an adorkable boy.

Like today, in p. chem, when the prof made a joke that I found somewhat amusing,
but not amusing enough to laugh.
There was this guy in the front row who laughed audibly and smiled and the prof
looked over and smiled too.

I thought, "I could fall in love with a guy like that."

He wasn't particularly built or incredibly good-looking,
he was just kinda cute and adorkable.

I could be with someone like that.

Someone who trips over himself,
who smiles genuinely when he feels awkward or embarrassed,
who is willing to dance when he knows he's not dancing well,
but who laughs it off anyway.

Someone who tries to be mature,
who can talk queer theory
and politics and theology like the best of them,
but who's a little naive,
and part-kid through and through.

Someone who's not afraid to love,
and love fiercely,
even if it means
his heart is
open for me to touch.


I could really be with someone like that.

---

I'll sit here alone,
night after night,
the only one on this floor, it seems.

Does anyone actually want to be like this?
Maybe I just handle it as de facto for my life,
and it becomes almost the norm.