I am more irritable and impatient than I can ever recall being.
I suppose that's the only update.
I'm just going to publish this.
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10/24
Was this only a week-and-a-half ago that I wrote most of this?
I no longer feel as sad as I did back then, but I think time just blows things over. Or you have your crisis, and after a while, your brain mercifully lets you off from it. Sure, I could be crippled by this for the next year, but that's simply not practical. Thank you, God, for the respite, and for realizing that maybe it doesn't matter so much.
Even if it doesn't matter that much, it doesn't change the fact that what I wrote below is still fresh and poignant to me.
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10/14
I don't say that I didn't go because I can't handle seeing the two of you together since it just reminds me of what I don't have.
maybe I want him to be gay so that there will be someone who can finally be that person for me. we're at similar levels of age and maturity, and maybe he'll be someone who needs to share this experience with me. Someone who can get me, and whom I can get, and whom not just anyone can have a monopoly on because our experiences are so unique to everyone else and yet so much the same to each other.
"You're my person," Cristina and Meredith tell each other. The emergency contact person. The one who needs to know--who wants to know--what's happening. The one who sticks through the relationship and through the marriage and with whom you can trudge through life together and come out on the other side together. Battered and scathed from the surrounding events... but at least you have each other.
it is sad, isn't it? to go through college and realize you don't have those deep friendships that you're supposed to build. To come to year four and find out you've just about failed again.
it's funny, how similar I feel to my posts a year-and-a-half.
Actually, it's not funny at all. I really hate that I do.
It's like nothing's changing. And so that's another reason why I feel like I need to get out.
Oh David, all I want to do is hug you right now, just hug you and hug you and hug you... <3
ReplyDeleteyou didn't "fail", true deep friendship IS hard to build, and sometimes even when you try your hardest, it doesn't seem to work out, but that's life isn't it.. or maybe God's way of telling us, are you really fully satisfied with me or are you idolizing other people or relationships?
ReplyDeleteI realized the same thing about friendship/ community senior year, but you know God will provide in His timing..pray about friendships & community for med school like starting now! "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. "