On Bravery

Word-for-word from Nichole Nordeman's Brave CD case:

"It's been awhile since I had some new songs to sing.

I took some time off from the world of music making and touring, because God decided to take my very well ordered and comfortable life and blow it to smithereens by surprising us with a baby. I decided this might require some time for recovery and regrouping, until all the pieces were returned to their original (and preferably alphabetized) state. I'm a bit Type A like that.

Anyone who's been down that road is laughing because of course, I never recovered. Or regrouped. I never recovered from the way my heart had to triple in size to make room for all the love (and fear) that would come roaring to the surface. I never regained control again. My life never resumed its clip, cloppy ordered pace. Love can be such a wrecking ball.

My time off also afforded me some great big, open green fields of space, where there had been small and weedy patches at best. Space for other people and time for relationships. I had a chance to learn how to be a friend again, or how to have a friend, for that matter. I learned that relationships don't exactly thrive on 5 minute phone calls, dashing through airports. I learned that a tour bus is not a substitute for a well-rooted home. I learned that the leaves of marriage don't stay green if the soil never gets any water and you stick it in a windowless corner. Barbra Streisand nailed it. People do need people. And God knew that.

So we were born to pour into each other's lives. These songs are the stories that were poured into and out of mine the last couple of years. I've walked into some dark places with some very dear people, and then back into the sunlight. And they, with me. This has been a real honor, and doesn't come all that naturally as I can tend to be a bit of a loner. (Type A/loner...nice combo). Anyway, God really took this time...these big fields of space to show me through all these stories of pain and promise that His love is not at all passive. It is so relentless in its pursuit of our terrified hearts. The love of God will hunt you down until you finally spin around in exasperation ("okaaaaay!!!") and admit how cherished you are. It gives us confidence when comfort is MIA. It gives our stories context and hope when somebody else recklessly rips out a chapter. It fills in the blanks. The love of God hoists us up on the shoulders of Jesus and hollers out the promise of St. Paul, "I can do ALL things through Christ, who gives me strength!" It scoops us up and makes us brave.

-Nichole"

Nichole Nordeman is one of the most gifted songwriters that I've ever heard.  I love her writing, and I think she's incredible.  Her song "Brave" has helped me through so many trials of faith.  When I was in the thick of trying to reach out to Jackson and the Mormon missionaries, the bridge of that song would always comfort me:

"I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame

Every storm will start with just a drop of rain

But if You believe in me

that changes everything."

Too bad she just had to have another child in 2008 and stop her writing and touring and such.  Boo. =(   But maybe chances are good that she'll start up again...

Fraidy Cat

In an attempt to be more vulnerable, instead of just transparent, I'm gonna write a few of my fears about homosexuality.

• I fear I won't be able to have kids of my own
• I'm scared I will never be able to end up with the girl of my dreams because I can't give her my everything
• I'm afraid that I'm just fulfilling the stereotypes of a gay male, and I'm simply another run-of-the-mill gay
• I'm scared of rejection, of ridicule, of thoughts of "he just does that because he's gay." (which may be true, nonetheless)
• I'm frightened I'll be bitter against people who don't understand homosexuality or those who brush it aside as taboo
• I'm scared of wasting away this opportunity... one could almost view this trial as a blessing, to grow my faith and to encourage others
• But I'm also frightened of what God will ask of me... maybe even a life of celibacy which would confirm some of the above fears
• I'm frightened of what I could become, whether that be jaded against Christianity, or promiscuously crazy
• I'm afraid that God might never take this away from me
• Yet I'm also afraid for if He does--homosexuality has become part of my identity now.
• I fear that I might hate myself

I know that some of these things I shouldn't be frightened of.  Maybe that's why the most common command in the Bible is "Do not be afraid."  Don't be scared, God tells us.  Everything will work out, I know what's best for you, I can save you, I love you... just trust Me.

I'll try trusting Him for as long as I can.

I Need You

"I have something else in common with Zacchaeus.  I want to see Jesus.  I want to figure out who he is.  I try to get an 'angle' on Christ.  I look for different points of view from where I can figure out who Jesus is.  I do things, go places, surround myself with the right people or try and read the right books so I can be in a better position to see Jesus--I climb my own sorts of trees.  The things I use to try to get a better view of Jesus always leave me frustrated and empty.

Zacchaeus must have had a great view of Christ from that tree, but it wasn't the right view.  It was a view that Zacchaeus controlled.  To see Jesus, to really get a good look at him, we have to come face to face with him.  It is the times when I come to Christ vulnerable that he really shows himself to me.

Because I know that God sees everything, I often pride myself in my own transparency before God.  But transparency isn't vulnerability.  I do a pretty good job of protecting myself in relationships.  I'm open enough that I can get by without having to need anything from anyone.  I would be humiliated by such weakness.  But I'm finding that's a form of pride--and not even a deformed version of pride, just regular old pride.

It was recently pointed out to me that the word vulnerable comes from the Latin word for 'wound.' Therefore, to be vulnerable means to be capable of being wounded.  So the trees I climb (missions experiences, conferences and retreats, books and relationships with the right people) and the tree Zacchaeus climbed, expose the real (and often hidden) need and desire to see God.  And really, it's just another attempt to try and save ourselves.

. . .

All this foreshadows the cross, really.  I try to see Jesus in so many ways, but it's only when I come face to face with him that I'm transformed.  The things I try to climb up to see Christ are false crosses that I make for myself, hoping they'll save me.  Jesus calls me down.  From his cross, I learn to see his love for me.  At his table he gives me the eyes to see his love for the world."

~pgs. 43-45, Simple Spirituality by Christopher Heuertz


"But transparency isn't vulnerability."  Ah, yes... it isn't.  Pretty sure I've tried to run my life not wanting to need anything from any of my friendships.
I don't want to inconvenience people is how I rationalize it.  At the same time, however, I just want to be strong, independent, and completely self-sufficient.  I want others to depend on me--not the other way around.  But like Heuertz says, that's simply pride.  Pride, in the flesh.

So Blessed

From PostSecret

=)
I don't need to have all the answers.  Maybe that's part of what's so comforting about that Secret.

What is it I trust in then?  (Or rather, Whom?)
I trust in the One who created everything, who has all the answers, who loves us infinitely more than we could ever imagine.

Of course, the secret is only partially right; after all, He was gracious enough to give us a kind of how-to guide in the Bible... but the step-by-step processes are up to us to figure out.


So anyway, recently, I'm realizing how incredibly fortunate and blessed I am to be a Christian.  Especially to be one who legitimately feels like he has a strong grasp on his faith, and one who feels like he's growing.  Of course, I don't feel like that every day... but I've just been amazed that I've been so lucky as to not fall away from my faith.

God has been so good to me.

It's not fair.

Yet I've been preserved for a reason, of course:  to help other people, Christians and non-Christians, feel the same way I do by leading them closer to Christ to experience His love.

The truth is, we don't have flail around in the air, sky-diving towards the ground.  We can wing it with God, trusting in His every move.  (Isaiah 40:31? ;)  )


btw,

Had an incredible phone conversation with a friend Thursday night/Friday morning.  Dare I say he's an answer to my prayers?

I'm thinking yes.  =)  

I didn't realize this until just now, when I came to deliberately blog about whatever (expect random jumping around),  but it's been exactly two months since I arrived in the Tri-Cities, and I haven't told a soul who lives here about my struggles with homosexuality.
Of course, it's not that I didn't want to, but I couldn't quite sum up the courage.  There also weren't really opportune times either, and I wasn't sure whom to tell.  Yet I guess if I'm waiting for the perfect time and the perfect people, then that may never come.  Still, so far, I'm dealing alright.

Anyway, I'm trying to reach out to more people/improve friendships, and I currently have about 7 Facebook message chains going on, 4 originally started by me.  While I'd love to have more conversations with more people, these 7 are a few of the people whom I really care for right now.  So it's been good getting to know them and chit-chat some more.  =)

I find that I hold grudges for a very long time.  Obviously, that's pretty unhealthy, and it's something I need to work on.  I thought about all this and about forgiveness due to Smoovies' Bible study last Thursday, where we looked at Matthew 18:21-35, the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (and God I feel has been hinting at me about forgiveness over the past few weeks).
I guess the reason it's so hard for me to forgive is because I always feel like forgiving that person would mean that what he or she did was actually ok.  But forgivness is more than that, as I read from this one article a couple years ago, and as one can see from this parable.  There was an unpayable debt of ten thousand talents (the Bible study leader, Arthur, said that that would be like hundreds of millions [i think?] or at least way more than anyone could pay in a lifetime... obviously the servant had seriously screwed up in order to amass such a debt), something that was completely NOT ok for the king.  And yet it was still forgiven.
The article I read a while back said that forgiveness is for yourself, too, in the sense that it lets you not be eaten away by your anger and bitterness.  True that.  Regardless, it's still so hard to practice, you know?  Instant gratification and all that jazz.

Anyway, some more related points about the Parable that I'd like to remember:

• The verses preceding the parable have to do with restoring brotherly fellowship, so this parable goes directly along with that.
• v. 21  Peter asks if seven times is enough for forgiving... in the ancient times, three was considered the normal amount that people would get, so apparently here Peter feels extra holy for saying a whopping SEVEN times.  Of course, Jesus blows him (and us) out of the water.
• v. 25  His wife and children got involved too... showing how our sin can affect our family and friends.
• Matthew 6:12, part of the Lord's Prayer... "Forgive us our debts, AS we also have forgiven our debtors."  Notice the AS... just more of the "do it and it'll be done unto you" sort of thing.

On a completely unrelated note, I realized that CCF is the most inspiring group of individuals I have ever met or been around.  Especially my class... just reading their blogs or hearing about their lives encourages me to be a better person.  They inspire me to strive for more and to work harder.  =)

I really do love them.

Camp has been exhausting, and I need to work harder to be a good staff member.  I'm not as on top of the ball as I thought I would be.  =\