I'm so insecure.
And I don't even know what I want anymore.
One year, and I already want to run away from people. Surely this must signify an underlying problem.
Maybe I'll blame this sudden freak-out on Physics: it makes me into an unhappy, frustrated person. =\
Monday, September 27, 2010
For Your Glory
My apartment unit and Jiwen went to Kemah on Saturday for Susan's birthday, and we really enjoyed the boardwalk with all the rides and the ambiance. Funnel cake, birds swooping by our heads, light mist spraying from designated coverings, the Gulf of Mexico, a light-up ferris wheel, unintentionally dirty photos... they were all there.
Aaand now we're back. I'm still a little ambivalent as to how to use names on this blog... but I guess for the positive/trivial things, it can't matter too much, right?
Caleb's parents are at our apartment right now, making brownies, rearranging our furniture, cleaning everything... it's really, really kind of them. So here I am, awkwardly hiding by my messy desk in Caleb's and my room, with books and papers and clothes lying everywhere. Bad impression much? haha. Ah well.
I blame my lack of blogging on my schoolwork and the imminent testimony I'm gonna give to CCF. It'll probably be the last Friday of October, so I still have over a month, but still. I want to make it good.
Naturally, much prayer is needed for such a thing... I hope I keep that in mind. Pray that I'll be able to reach out to CCF and let them know about homosexuality and that it does affect people... a lot more people than most realize.
Above all, may the testimony glorify God. Glorifying God is something that I'm trying to keep at the forefront of my mind. I still remember last year when Pastor David Carter was giving a message to CCF, and I responded to one of his questions with "Becoming more Christ-like." He then said, "Sure, but why be more Christ-like? What's the point?"
I seriously could not think of why... but fortunately Tina came to my rescue by answering, "To glorify God."
Duh. I mentally smacked myself numerous times after that because of how obvious it should've been. I should have known and immediately said that.
But I didn't. Instead, that wasn't anywhere near what I was thinking. A little embarrassing/shameful, if you ask me. How could I forget the meaning of life? To give glory to God...
Perhaps my non-answer was more revealing of my heart than anything else.
So in the case of this testimony, I pray that I speak to glorify God, and not myself. I pray that I speak with a vulnerability, brokenness, and the beautiful hope and restoration that is found in Christ Jesus.
I'll be opening up this blog on that day too. So just one more month of unadulterated writing (written with the intention of opening it up to them eventually, though) from me.
Now, back to work on that testimony. =)
Aaand now we're back. I'm still a little ambivalent as to how to use names on this blog... but I guess for the positive/trivial things, it can't matter too much, right?
Caleb's parents are at our apartment right now, making brownies, rearranging our furniture, cleaning everything... it's really, really kind of them. So here I am, awkwardly hiding by my messy desk in Caleb's and my room, with books and papers and clothes lying everywhere. Bad impression much? haha. Ah well.
I blame my lack of blogging on my schoolwork and the imminent testimony I'm gonna give to CCF. It'll probably be the last Friday of October, so I still have over a month, but still. I want to make it good.
Naturally, much prayer is needed for such a thing... I hope I keep that in mind. Pray that I'll be able to reach out to CCF and let them know about homosexuality and that it does affect people... a lot more people than most realize.
Above all, may the testimony glorify God. Glorifying God is something that I'm trying to keep at the forefront of my mind. I still remember last year when Pastor David Carter was giving a message to CCF, and I responded to one of his questions with "Becoming more Christ-like." He then said, "Sure, but why be more Christ-like? What's the point?"
I seriously could not think of why... but fortunately Tina came to my rescue by answering, "To glorify God."
Duh. I mentally smacked myself numerous times after that because of how obvious it should've been. I should have known and immediately said that.
But I didn't. Instead, that wasn't anywhere near what I was thinking. A little embarrassing/shameful, if you ask me. How could I forget the meaning of life? To give glory to God...
Perhaps my non-answer was more revealing of my heart than anything else.
So in the case of this testimony, I pray that I speak to glorify God, and not myself. I pray that I speak with a vulnerability, brokenness, and the beautiful hope and restoration that is found in Christ Jesus.
I'll be opening up this blog on that day too. So just one more month of unadulterated writing (written with the intention of opening it up to them eventually, though) from me.
Now, back to work on that testimony. =)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Doggy Bag
you could smile and tell me that
I'm important to you
but I know I shouldn't force it out.
but I know I shouldn't force it out.
So I'll wait.
You've trained me well, you know.
You've trained me well, you know.
Open the door and you’ll find me,
the doormat, and
the news in my mouth
as I gaze up at you wondering,
will it be you and me
together
or
will it be just another phase?
It’s your call, master.
But don’t forget that this servant
has a life of his own.
I don't want to be anyone’s leftovers.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
T_T
^(read as a deadpan face)
Today was alright.
She was just kinda--bluntly put--superficial. Of course, we all are, to an extent, but it was a bit much for me at times. Standard this, having proper this, wanting that, etc.
Maybe I'm just bitter because she didn't really laugh at many of my jokes. Or at least give the reaction that most people give to them. haha. To me, it showed that she wasn't very interested. But maybe she was somewhat, and that was just her personality.
I know, I'm being judgmental. But I just wanted to go home and sleep. seriously.
Once again, I didn't hang out with the rest of my friends... but at least last year, we crazily went to Chinatown and had fun IMO.
Meeting new people's great and all, but at the end of the day, I'd rather have gone and learned about Community.
Today was alright.
She was just kinda--bluntly put--superficial. Of course, we all are, to an extent, but it was a bit much for me at times. Standard this, having proper this, wanting that, etc.
Maybe I'm just bitter because she didn't really laugh at many of my jokes. Or at least give the reaction that most people give to them. haha. To me, it showed that she wasn't very interested. But maybe she was somewhat, and that was just her personality.
I know, I'm being judgmental. But I just wanted to go home and sleep. seriously.
Once again, I didn't hang out with the rest of my friends... but at least last year, we crazily went to Chinatown and had fun IMO.
Meeting new people's great and all, but at the end of the day, I'd rather have gone and learned about Community.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Breather
I just had my first bioc exam today. I think it went fairly well, although you can never be so sure until you get the results back.
Anyway, after being mentally drained from that and everything else going on throughout the rest of the day, I was sitting down and talking with my roommates when I realized that I didn't have anything due tomorrow. Nothing to study for (well, comprehensive Latin quiz on Friday, but that shouldn't be too bad), nothing to really worry about.
I could just relax. phew. I feel like that hasn't happened in a while... or maybe the incessant cramming of bioc the last few days have drained my mind.
Regardless, here are the classes I'm taking this semester:
LING 301 (Phonetics)
LING 321 (Structure of Chinese: Syntax & Semantics)
LATI 101 (Elementary Latin I)
BIOC 310 (Ind. Study for Bioc... basically research-for-credit)
PHYS 125 (General Physics w/ Lab)
BIOC 372 (Immunology)
BIOC 301 (Biochemistry)
...for a total of 22 credits.
I know, I know... a little much. I actually really dislike having people ask me about what I'm taking, because I always get the inevitable shocked face and "Wow, that's a lot," even when I almost always preface my class listing with a "I might drop something" (in actuality, I've never had any intention of dropping something, unless my grade turns out to be really bad). I also try to list them in that order, with the easy linguistics courses first and then the sciences last. Sometimes I actually forget to say research or put it as last.
The same reaction happens anyway. I guess it's due to me listing off 7 classes, regardless of how easy or hard they seem.
But they're all courses I want to take. Another one of my rationales is that since Immuno, Physics, and Bioc should be my hardest courses, I actually don't feel like I would spend more time on them if I were taking less courses. I would just procrastinate more or something. So I might as well do everything. haha. We'll see if this will really work, or if it's just a recipe for disaster...
And now I just took like 2 hours to talk about random stuff to my roommates... haha. Time to sleep!
Anyway, after being mentally drained from that and everything else going on throughout the rest of the day, I was sitting down and talking with my roommates when I realized that I didn't have anything due tomorrow. Nothing to study for (well, comprehensive Latin quiz on Friday, but that shouldn't be too bad), nothing to really worry about.
I could just relax. phew. I feel like that hasn't happened in a while... or maybe the incessant cramming of bioc the last few days have drained my mind.
Regardless, here are the classes I'm taking this semester:
LING 301 (Phonetics)
LING 321 (Structure of Chinese: Syntax & Semantics)
LATI 101 (Elementary Latin I)
BIOC 310 (Ind. Study for Bioc... basically research-for-credit)
PHYS 125 (General Physics w/ Lab)
BIOC 372 (Immunology)
BIOC 301 (Biochemistry)
...for a total of 22 credits.
I know, I know... a little much. I actually really dislike having people ask me about what I'm taking, because I always get the inevitable shocked face and "Wow, that's a lot," even when I almost always preface my class listing with a "I might drop something" (in actuality, I've never had any intention of dropping something, unless my grade turns out to be really bad). I also try to list them in that order, with the easy linguistics courses first and then the sciences last. Sometimes I actually forget to say research or put it as last.
The same reaction happens anyway. I guess it's due to me listing off 7 classes, regardless of how easy or hard they seem.
But they're all courses I want to take. Another one of my rationales is that since Immuno, Physics, and Bioc should be my hardest courses, I actually don't feel like I would spend more time on them if I were taking less courses. I would just procrastinate more or something. So I might as well do everything. haha. We'll see if this will really work, or if it's just a recipe for disaster...
And now I just took like 2 hours to talk about random stuff to my roommates... haha. Time to sleep!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Phlebotomist
Gave blood on Thursday... the phlebotomist gave me a hot pink bandage cause she said she knew that I would like it.
lol. I don't really like pink... but still, the symbolism of it dictates that that phlebotomist had quite the gaydar. Ahaha.
Or maybe she just thought it contrasted nicely with my Rice blue and white clothes...
But still, I thought it was kinda amusing/unnerving. x]
On a slightly unrelated note, I still think it kinda sucks that if you're a male and you've ever had gay sex--even just once--then you're banned for life from giving blood. While it is statistically true that sexually active gays have higher rates of STDs, I think better screening processes could be given and then we could allow at least the low-risk gays to give blood. After all, isn't it a little unfair that high-risk heterosexuals can give their blood with no problem at all?
^ from reading the Pro and Con views of this policy in August's issue of U.S. News while in the Sea-Tac Airport. Good stuff.
lol. I don't really like pink... but still, the symbolism of it dictates that that phlebotomist had quite the gaydar. Ahaha.
Or maybe she just thought it contrasted nicely with my Rice blue and white clothes...
But still, I thought it was kinda amusing/unnerving. x]
On a slightly unrelated note, I still think it kinda sucks that if you're a male and you've ever had gay sex--even just once--then you're banned for life from giving blood. While it is statistically true that sexually active gays have higher rates of STDs, I think better screening processes could be given and then we could allow at least the low-risk gays to give blood. After all, isn't it a little unfair that high-risk heterosexuals can give their blood with no problem at all?
^ from reading the Pro and Con views of this policy in August's issue of U.S. News while in the Sea-Tac Airport. Good stuff.
Friday, September 10, 2010
For Real
So I guess it's official now.
I feel apprehensive, a little bit of dread, and curious to see how it all turns out. But nonetheless, I'm happy... I may still be waiting for most of the peace to come, but I know in time it will. =)
Thank you, God.
Now please, I must ask You to guide us through and I pray that we may rely completely on You.
I feel apprehensive, a little bit of dread, and curious to see how it all turns out. But nonetheless, I'm happy... I may still be waiting for most of the peace to come, but I know in time it will. =)
Thank you, God.
Now please, I must ask You to guide us through and I pray that we may rely completely on You.
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