Oh Hello.

No, I don't really want to talk to you.  Sorry.

Knew this would happen.  Well, I thought it might not, I mean, 'cause of what you've said before... but hey, people prove me wrong all the time.

I'm at once pissed... and yet also relieved.  In a way, it's kind of like passing the buck.  Less burden on me, I suppose.

Not to say that I view you as a burden.

ok, well, to be honest, I do to an extent.

But really, you know, letting me know in person would've been nice.

The judgmental, short-tempered guy I become when I think about you probably does need a break from you... and/or we need to air things out--ok, I need to air things out... but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be ready to listen to what I have to say right now.  And in my pissed state, I shouldn't be saying much anyway.

yupp.

oh Lord, I do need patience/help.  I realize I haven't been the greatest friend either.

Play

A poem for my poetry class that I'm writing a close reading on.  It's from our book,The Best American Poetry 2010, and it's by Denise Duhamel (I just went online and read a bunch more of her poems--great narrative poems... just like the kind I want to be able to do).

Play

I am on the outside now like my childless aunt

the one we all hated because my uncle doted on her

she didn't like children you could tell

and wore silk dresses that had to be dry-cleaned

how extravagant said my mother she's spoiled said the other aunts

who were busy in their polyester blends busy with their kids

I have a memory of this aunt eating bonbons

as I swung on a tire hung from a tree branch in her yard

my aunt didn't offer us any candy and that was just bad manners

even as a kindergartener I knew that

but now I have become that aunt

my sister-in-law wants my husband

to move in with her to take care of her children

and what do I know about suffering and divorces

and restraining orders what do I know about staying up all night

with a daughter with a fever

when I called about the $300 worth of extra cell phone charges

the woman at T-mobile said honey I hate to be the one to tell you

but there’s a number and she read my sister-in-law’s number

all the calls are to and from your husband’s cell

sometimes they’re on a couple of hours

they talked when I was at work

the woman said I’m sorry thinking my husband was having an affair

but the affair was with his sister and it wasn’t an affair really

it was therapy and my husband was the therapist

even though he isn’t a therapist

our niece wrote a one-act play in which a man is being abused

by his wife who is a witch a demon

and the man’s kindly sister is trying to help him escape

I know you are being abused as I was once too the heroine says

my sister-in-law thought her brother was abused because he vacuumed once

I guess she thought he was doting on me

my husband thought he was abused because I asked him to cook dinner

when he didn’t have a job for over a year

I understand why my aunt never fought back

because once you are labeled as someone terrible

there is nothing much you can do to change your reputation

there is no way to prove your kindness

if you are nice everyone will think you are phony trying to trick them

and if you are cold well it just confirms their theory

sometimes my husband disappears from this story

only to come back to say please don’t call my sister

the other woman

it grosses me out

OK I won’t

our niece got an A for her play

portraying me as ugly and cruel

and the teacher thought it was so realistic

her theater class even did a staged reading of it

a loud eighth-grade girl playing a shrill me

a small eighth-grade boy cowering as my husband

sometimes my uncle disappears from this story

only to come back

with a giant stuffed animal for me

and a kiss on the cheek for my aunt

when I stole two of her chocolates

and poked holes into the rest left in the box

she knew enough not to complain

and kept her squashed candies to herself.

getting on the tumbs.

I created a tumblr:  quotidianthoughts.tumblr.com

Like Karen, I don't know what's gonna overlap and what's going down on either blog.  I enjoy having all my massive text posts on this blog, since tumblr seems picture-heavy, but I do prefer tumblr's interface more.  It doesn't have as many crazy text changes and random line breaks like blogspot does.  And it does allow for me to reblog Wesley Hill easier.  xD  

Plus, now i no longer have to type in the first few letters of every sophomore's tumblr account--I can just look at my dashboard!

Anyway, if you look on my tumblr now, you'll find the following jewel of embarrassment:

"I'm just tired of being a unicorn, Dad."

weakness

Came out to my ninth graders the second week of Sunday School (9/18).  I think they were ok with it.  They still talk to me at least and wave back when I smile and wave at them.  =)

Came out to various families of youth, some 100ish people for the Youth Family dinner (10/1)... the most number of people in a group that I'd come out to and the least prepared I'd been.  I didn't even think of coming out until the youth workers began sharing about themselves.  For one, I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to share this in front of a multitude of traditional Asian parents.  As I was praying about whether or not to come out (I was one of the last youth workers to share about myself), another youth worker, Connie, spoke about stepping out of one's comfort zone for God.  I was either thinking of 2 Cor. 12:9, or that prompted my thinking of it.
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

"Then give me strength, God, give me your strength, and give me courage, if you want me to come out."

After I finished sharing, I couldn't concentrate very well on what David C. was saying.  My hands were still mildly shaking and I went to get some lemonade and then tea.  I sat back down and thought, "This won't get easier, huh?"  I always hope I'll get better and more at ease with coming out.
When David was done, some parents came up to me and told me how much they appreciated me speaking--Henry telling me how encouraging it was was especially poignant when I consider how much his family has been through.  For those parents who didn't, with whom I would make eye contact with as we passed each other in the halls, I would think, "What do they think of me?  I wonder how they see me now.  Were they offended?  Disturbed?"

Hm.  regardless, the Body of Christ is not what it should be.  and if speaking out is one way of making it more like what it should be, then I will do so.  Changing the church from the inside is definitely exciting.

I can only imagine, though, how much more difficult this will be when I go back home and come out to my home church.  The scandal and questions that will ensue.  My long history that will be scrutinized.  I wish I could take someone from here with me for support.  But this is my own cross.  "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  for the sake of Christ.  To show His power and my gratitude for everything that He's done for me.  It's the least I could do.