an excerpt

"I'm not necessarily saying that the way you acted today was homophobic because I don't think you would intentionally do that. It just felt like it was, and that it could have been.  

I still hesitate when I am changing with other people who know I'm gay or when we are both using urinals close by or ones without dividers or something.  I hesitate to do these things because every single time, I wonder what they'll think of me, I wonder if they're awkwarded out, if they're afraid I'll try to peek at them, if they think I'm a pervert (ok, I very well could be... but that's beside the point) and so I keep my eyes fixed on anything else. I might just avoid that situation altogether to save both of us some wonderings, like I thought about doing today.

And of course you know my struggles with lust and while I am tempted (and to be honest, sometimes, if the person is a stranger and doesn't know I'm gay, I don't care and I actually try to look), I hate it. I hate that I'm even tempted like this.  I hate this part of me. Maybe these are the times when I hate being gay the most... when I know some situations will always be awkward.  And I just wish they weren't.

Perhaps that's part of why bromance bothers me. No one wants to treat me that way. (I wouldn't even know how to reciprocate bromance properly, so it's partly my fault too.)  As much as people say my being gay doesn't change the way they think about me, I have so much difficulty believing that from guys.  It's our culture's fault and its homophobia that has been ingrained into each of our psyches, and while these instances rarely happen, when they do, it just hits home how different I am."

And this is where I suck it up and go to guys' night anyway.  Whatever.  I'm too sensitive for my own good.

Sometimes, you just wanna throw it all away, you know?

At the same time, this is good, though. I've been lacking empathy, especially for those who are still in the closet... this is a life that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and if you're not ready for this, then it's best you don't push yourself.

If I could only do without this all and just pretend to be straight.  But I can't.




**edit 1/14, 3 AM.  I originally published this, reverted it to a draft, and now am just deciding to publish it, since Ann informed me that Google Reader peeps can see it anyway... heh.  But this incident turned out well.  It was just a misunderstanding. We made up nicely, and I'm thankful for that.  =) *