Trust and Anger

So I've been lucky to not be choked by my struggles recently... God has really lifted my mood and I'm not entirely sure how or why--perhaps Glee, good food, good music by K-Love, direction for summer plans, and grateful and appreciative friends and family have helped a lot--but I guess that just goes to show how moods can be so fickle.

For one, I'm a little less anxious about one of my friendships.  While I was incredibly grateful to God for blessing me with his friendship (he is so much more kind, perceptive, and encouraging than I could have imagined... I feel guilty for not trusting him and God earlier), I could not (and still can't totally) shake the fear of this relationship horribly failing.  But I'm trying to learn how to embrace that fear, especially when I know that it is God's Will.
Part of the inspiration came from reading my old blog, and just seeing how obsessed I was with Chris at the time.  Surprisingly, I was quite trusting in God... well, what else could I have done back then, I suppose, but even still, it was encouraging.  And I wouldn't have gotten to that point had I not been trying to read through Stephanie's Xanga (oh my gosh, wow, so many posts there.  Props to you, Stephanie, if you ever read this, on keeping such an extensive history.  I wish I had a blog that detailed!).  Just seeing her bear her heart on her Xanga and observing her growth made me wonder how much I'd grown since my first blog.

Quite a lot, thanks to God.  Yet I still had some pretty good insights back then that I'd forgotten since. Considering how much worse I felt, and that I didn't have much experience of God working in my life, everything still turned out way better than I could have imagined.  I can't imagine the current struggles in my life not becoming a huge blessing in my life as well, provided that I'm willing to work them out with God.

So, I'm willing to put my heart out and love with what I've got.  Not obsessively this time, however.  I'm also trying to not be jealous of his other friendships or expect anything from our friendship.  Maybe that's what really tore Chris and me apart:  my ridiculously-high expectations of a fairytale friendship.  Along those lines, I can see unequal expectations possibly tearing some of my other friendships apart... but we'll see how those go.


I read this article today about anger:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001972.cfm

An excerpt:

"Complaining and anger are often perceived as kind of cool, against the grain, rebel without a cause attitude. Anger is almost perceived as a personal strength. If you're opinionated enough to rant, then you must have something to say. But Proverbs 16:32 tells us: 

Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

Contrary to our subtle belief that anger is a display of strength, it is actually patience that is strong and anger that's a sign of weakness. Instead of buying into cultural notions regarding the "virtue" of anger, we need to better understand a biblical view of anger."

I've definitely seen anger as "cool," or at least, demanding of fear/respect.

But typical of our God is the way He goes against cultural norms.  =)  

Another passage:

"You don't have to be an "angry person" to have a problem with anger. There's an anger of the garden variety that's often expressed through complaining, grumpiness, a cutting remark, sulking self-pity, and turbulent frustration. 

Take commonplace complaints about the weather. Complaints about the excessive heat or cold can either be a form of small talk or a form of unbelief in God's good providence. We don't typically think of complaining as anger, but when framed with the providence of God we are pressed to consider our motives."

Although most people may not realize it, I get angry (or at least frustrated) pretty easily.  The thing is, I think I'm just good at hiding it.  Also, part of my personality is less confrontational, so I don't usually express my anger at people.  Reading the above quote, however, I realized that I truly am even more angry than I realized (even though the article describes the above as "garden-variety anger").
Especially now, with my situation in dealing with homosexuality.  I realized that I've definitely been angry at God... or at least, angry, self-pitiful, and frustrated at my situation (see previous post! xD )... which basically translates to anger at God Himself.

"When I grow angry I find myself losing belief. I lose faith in God's goodness amid my circumstances. I lose belief in his promises, that "he works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose" (Rom 8:28). 

This unbelief arises from sinful discontent with God's wise providence, a failure to trust in His perfect will to do me good, whether through bad weather or good, emotional intimacy or none, apology or no apology. From emotional outbursts to weather complaints, anger arises from a failure to believe the truth, and belief that God owes me something: better weather or better marital intimacy or whatever. 

Belief in this false promise is unbelief in God's promises. 

Powlison points out that we express our anger towards God in three main ways. First, anger either ignores or rejects the sovereign freedom of God. Second, it's a refusal to believe God's promise to work for our good in all things, even drastic changes in climate. Third, it enthrones our will for comfort over God's will, effectively assuming personal supremacy over God. It puts God in the dock. 

We've seen these three elements from my personal struggles with anger, noting their Satanic, not Christlike character. At the root of anger is an enthronement of our will, an idolatry of our way, and a refusal to exercise acontented trust in God's providence."

(geez, I might as well c/p the whole article.  >_<)
Hmmm, so once again, it all comes back to trusting in God.  Ah, what a journey.  =)