He talked about striving for excellence, hockey, Nehemiah 6:3, how he loved that verse, and it made me tear up.

I miss him.

Bittersweet

I went ice-skating today for the first time in the Tri-Cities (I think I went once or twice in China).  It was with my Chinese church's youth group, and we had like 22 people come--huge success!  I'm proud of my youth group for being able to organize all this by themselves, and that everything turned out well (we got a discount by saying it was a birthday party; fortunately, we had a birthday on Monday [Lucy's], and then another one on Tuesday [Andrew Lea's]).
The rink made me think of how Jackson used to play hockey, and that he probably played hockey in that exact rink.

Kinda wished I had played hockey when I was younger... I've always enjoyed playing hockey whenever we would play in P.E. on the gym floor (obviously, it's a bit different on an ice rink, but whatever)... plus, maybe I would've met up with Jackson earlier than I did.

He leaves in 4 days... June 2nd, Wednesday.  Tomorrow I go to see his "farewell" speech at his church.

Hmmm... I miss him already... and I feel like we're not even that good friends.  Like, I don't know much about his inner thoughts--although I guess I do know how he acts, his little habits, and stuff like that.  But we've never gone very deep in our conversations, besides all those talks about religion.  Even then, it wasn't that personal.

Still, he was/is one of my Chosens.  I got kinda nervous in meeting up with him yesterday for Subway... but when we were together, everything felt so natural.  It was really fun, just hanging out and talking.  =)

On a lighter note, I made Almond Tea Cake today, from a website that Teresa posted a recipe from.  I would've made the recipe she put up  (Apple Crunch Cake), but I don't think we had enough vanilla extract to make it work.
My mom said the Almond Tea Cake was, "很好吃!" [Really delicious!]  My dad also really liked it, and my grandma said, "从来没有吃过着么好吃的蛋糕."  [She had never eaten such a delicious cake.]  =D  Success!  Even despite the fact that we only had almond butter instead of almond paste, and so I took out some butter to compensate.  Looks like it turned out fine, though.  =)

Trust and Anger

So I've been lucky to not be choked by my struggles recently... God has really lifted my mood and I'm not entirely sure how or why--perhaps Glee, good food, good music by K-Love, direction for summer plans, and grateful and appreciative friends and family have helped a lot--but I guess that just goes to show how moods can be so fickle.

For one, I'm a little less anxious about one of my friendships.  While I was incredibly grateful to God for blessing me with his friendship (he is so much more kind, perceptive, and encouraging than I could have imagined... I feel guilty for not trusting him and God earlier), I could not (and still can't totally) shake the fear of this relationship horribly failing.  But I'm trying to learn how to embrace that fear, especially when I know that it is God's Will.
Part of the inspiration came from reading my old blog, and just seeing how obsessed I was with Chris at the time.  Surprisingly, I was quite trusting in God... well, what else could I have done back then, I suppose, but even still, it was encouraging.  And I wouldn't have gotten to that point had I not been trying to read through Stephanie's Xanga (oh my gosh, wow, so many posts there.  Props to you, Stephanie, if you ever read this, on keeping such an extensive history.  I wish I had a blog that detailed!).  Just seeing her bear her heart on her Xanga and observing her growth made me wonder how much I'd grown since my first blog.

Quite a lot, thanks to God.  Yet I still had some pretty good insights back then that I'd forgotten since. Considering how much worse I felt, and that I didn't have much experience of God working in my life, everything still turned out way better than I could have imagined.  I can't imagine the current struggles in my life not becoming a huge blessing in my life as well, provided that I'm willing to work them out with God.

So, I'm willing to put my heart out and love with what I've got.  Not obsessively this time, however.  I'm also trying to not be jealous of his other friendships or expect anything from our friendship.  Maybe that's what really tore Chris and me apart:  my ridiculously-high expectations of a fairytale friendship.  Along those lines, I can see unequal expectations possibly tearing some of my other friendships apart... but we'll see how those go.


I read this article today about anger:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001972.cfm

An excerpt:

"Complaining and anger are often perceived as kind of cool, against the grain, rebel without a cause attitude. Anger is almost perceived as a personal strength. If you're opinionated enough to rant, then you must have something to say. But Proverbs 16:32 tells us: 

Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

Contrary to our subtle belief that anger is a display of strength, it is actually patience that is strong and anger that's a sign of weakness. Instead of buying into cultural notions regarding the "virtue" of anger, we need to better understand a biblical view of anger."

I've definitely seen anger as "cool," or at least, demanding of fear/respect.

But typical of our God is the way He goes against cultural norms.  =)  

Another passage:

"You don't have to be an "angry person" to have a problem with anger. There's an anger of the garden variety that's often expressed through complaining, grumpiness, a cutting remark, sulking self-pity, and turbulent frustration. 

Take commonplace complaints about the weather. Complaints about the excessive heat or cold can either be a form of small talk or a form of unbelief in God's good providence. We don't typically think of complaining as anger, but when framed with the providence of God we are pressed to consider our motives."

Although most people may not realize it, I get angry (or at least frustrated) pretty easily.  The thing is, I think I'm just good at hiding it.  Also, part of my personality is less confrontational, so I don't usually express my anger at people.  Reading the above quote, however, I realized that I truly am even more angry than I realized (even though the article describes the above as "garden-variety anger").
Especially now, with my situation in dealing with homosexuality.  I realized that I've definitely been angry at God... or at least, angry, self-pitiful, and frustrated at my situation (see previous post! xD )... which basically translates to anger at God Himself.

"When I grow angry I find myself losing belief. I lose faith in God's goodness amid my circumstances. I lose belief in his promises, that "he works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose" (Rom 8:28). 

This unbelief arises from sinful discontent with God's wise providence, a failure to trust in His perfect will to do me good, whether through bad weather or good, emotional intimacy or none, apology or no apology. From emotional outbursts to weather complaints, anger arises from a failure to believe the truth, and belief that God owes me something: better weather or better marital intimacy or whatever. 

Belief in this false promise is unbelief in God's promises. 

Powlison points out that we express our anger towards God in three main ways. First, anger either ignores or rejects the sovereign freedom of God. Second, it's a refusal to believe God's promise to work for our good in all things, even drastic changes in climate. Third, it enthrones our will for comfort over God's will, effectively assuming personal supremacy over God. It puts God in the dock. 

We've seen these three elements from my personal struggles with anger, noting their Satanic, not Christlike character. At the root of anger is an enthronement of our will, an idolatry of our way, and a refusal to exercise acontented trust in God's providence."

(geez, I might as well c/p the whole article.  >_<)
Hmmm, so once again, it all comes back to trusting in God.  Ah, what a journey.  =)

Step Two

(I have at least three posts on my mind, so I'll try to get them out quickly... because they're beginning to suffocate me...  For brief background on this post, see Step One)

"You're taking the right steps... you're on the right track."

I leaned against the railing of the AcaTerrace with my crossed arms, taking in Alvin's words.  I had just told him that I struggle with homosexuality, and we then walked from the baseball fields back towards Wiess.

"I mean, acknowledging it and then telling people... that's good.  The Holy Spirit is working in you."

Man, am I ever grateful for his words that night.  I can only trust that God is working in me.

...

"It was like it didn't affect the rest of your life, so why tell people?"

It was the next night, and Angela and I were making fruit jello (fruit in jello?  jello-encased fruit?) at third-floor Wiess kitchen.  I had told her that this struggle had of course been on my mind for years, but I just never thought it was important to tell other people.
And she was so right--I had been compartmentalizing this because I thought that it would just disappear over time.  What was the point of telling people I was gay, only to tell them a couple months or years later, "Op, just kidding!  I'm straight now"?  Besides, if I hoped to get married someday, how could I possibly get in a relationship with a girl when everyone thinks I'm gay?
So I didn't explicitly tell anyone... but then my situation didn't change.


Except now that I've told a couple handful of people (*edit* don't feel bad if I didn't tell you... it's just that we probably never had the chance to have a good heart-to-heart after March, or you just didn't ask me point-blank about homosexuality), I've realized that telling people makes me acutely aware of my struggle... which of course can be a very good thing.  I can realize my sins, ask for forgiveness, and work with God to improve on them.

Yet recently, like I said before, I've been inexplicably depressed at random times.  I guess my difficulty now is not hating myself.  For me, I've always known and felt that God loves me, but I suppose you'll have those times when you just don't love yourself.  I just hate how my struggle makes everything so complicated.  All my relationships with people are thrown into disarray due to my homosexuality.

Eh, perhaps I'm being too hard on myself.  If I were straight, I'd still have similar problems. (hmm, saying "If I were straight" and talking about myself as being gay... I still can't fully accept.  Maybe I should say bi?  But I like that even less.)  But at least they'd be more socially acceptable.

Haha, and since when should I care if I'm "socially acceptable" or not?  The thing about me is that I get a perverse satisfaction by being in a crappy situation sometimes.  I'd much rather be in a bad situation than have someone else be in that situation.
It's like, that way, I can complain about how sucky my life is and people can sympathize and be like, "Wow, yeah, that is sucky."  Of course, I know my life is really good in comparison to the rest of the world (maybe this self-handicapping and desire for pity applies most academically, by loading up on a difficult courseload).  And even when things suck for me, I don't usually complain much in part because I think someone else surely has it worse, in part because it simply isn't that horrible, and in part because I don't want to waste anyone's time by complaining and making people pity me.

Self-pity, though?  I have plenty of that.  Or maybe more like self-frustration.  I have a LOT of that.  ;)  Self-pity often  follows, though, like how it is now.

In terms of telling more people, however, I'd like to be as brave as Clara was at CCF's End-of-Year Party (and ooh, so thankful for God's protection of the sophomores in the car accident that night... may I never forget how blessed that was).  But like Johnny told me a couple weeks ago, you have to be careful that telling people doesn't become the end... it shouldn't end up being a "Look I confessed, I'm such a bold Christian" (which I'm pretty sure I'd be guilty of doing).

I'll pray to see what God wants me to do for next year sharing, and for my life.  I feel like I'm going to get married since I have such romanticist views of everything, and I love just the idea of marriage, romance, having a wife, having a family, etc. But maybe that's not what God wants for me... and that scares me.
It's like Clara said, everyone wants to be loved.  So many people want a significant other to share life with--but then again, there are so many other ways one can be loved and fulfilled than just having a spouse... hm.

So anyway, do I need to be more broken and vulnerable about homosexuality in front of people?  Ugh, why does life have to be so complicated?  xD

On the Ground

Luke 7:47 (NLT)

"I tell you, her sins--and they are many--have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love.  But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love."

I read this passage (Luke 7:36-50) a few days ago, and cannot stop thinking about this verse.

The scene is at the house of a Pharisee, with a sinful woman weeping on Jesus' feet, wiping His feet with her hair, kissing them, and putting expensive perfume on them.

When I was younger, I would read this verse and think, "Really...?  Can't you love much even if you haven't been forgiven much?  Do you really have to have all these sins to be forgiven in order to love much?"  And of course, being naive and prideful, I would push aside the verse and think, "No, that can't be right.  I can still love God a lot, even if I haven't been that sinful."
But here, Jesus says I can't.  I teared up, thinking of the sins that He'd been revealing to me recently, and how I've seen that I'm really quite messed up, what with homosexuality and all.  Acknowledging these sins, coming to terms with the fact that I have them, asking for forgiveness, and receiving forgiveness have been more steps to increase my love for God and to really be thankful for what He's done for me.  I really can't be grateful enough to see my sins and receive forgiveness for them, because this can only make me love God more.

Like the woman at Jesus' feet, however, I should be down on the floor, crying and wiping His feet... otherwise, am I really accepting that forgiveness?  Do I see how wrong I've become and am I truly thankful for His grace?

No, not really.  That shows that this principle isn't a license to sin more just so you can "be forgiven and love more."  After all, the act of asking and accepting forgiveness shows at least a penitent heart.  Done the right way, this becomes a kind of a feedback inhibition too--you sin, you ask and accept forgiveness, you love more, and so you sin less because of your greater love.

Man, God is incredible.  =)

Summer Goals/Plans

*edit*  Reminder to self that all posts after this will actually have been posted two hours behind since Blogger is too dumb to incorporate different timezones for different posts.

A list of what I hope to accomplish during the summer, since I'll have a ton of free time just working at Partners 'n' Pals.  In vague order of importance to me:

• Read the plethora of books from Urbana
• Learn some recipes to cook
• Learn guitar (basic chords)
• Study for MCAT
• Learn Korean alphabet

Interspersed with these concrete, self-edifying goals, I'll also

• take quite a few late-night walks with my speakers and maybe a friend or two
• finish FFIX!!  And start/finish FFX.
• watch movies that I've wanted to see for months/years (How to Train Your Dragon, The Notebook, Alice in Wonderland)
• finish Coffee Prince and Miss No Good (不良笑花). Maybe start some more dramas?
• work out and swim (I hope this happens... but my expectations of myself are not high... >_<  )

Finally--and this is probably most important--I really need to spend time soul-searching.  I mean, sometimes I feel that I'm becoming the person I've always wanted to be, but recently, I can't get over the feeling that I'm pretty dissatisfied with myself.  It's been souring my mood, and unfortunately, I don't have time to look into it right now.

In short, some reconciliation time with God is much-needed.