NOT SURE IF IT'S APPROPRIATE TO START CREEPING/FOLLOWING FRESHMEN BLOGS.

I've found one already.
Is it too early to incorporate her into the CCF blogspot-osphere?

(and now if they ever read my blog, they'll be like, "wut...?"  lol.)

Encouraging note:  her most recent post (which she technically reblogged from someone else) has a part that says, "oh, and about celibacy too- she said that some ARE called to be single for the rest of their lives- like christian homosexuals. and that's beautiful too. that is a REALLY high calling."


yay, that's me!  xD  But at the same time, kinda would rather come out to the freshies in person rather than through my blog.  Eh, well, it's not a big deal, though.

In other news... Q&A's first meeting is this Thursday, 8 p.m.  urgh, I have Sunday School training at that time!  ah well, it's cool--i'm excited for the training too.  Plus, Q&A will probs still be there by the time I get back anyway.

After I walked Ashley to Brown, I

met a drunk lesbian girl not from Rice who was with her friend from Rice (who I knew already) who was helping her.  The drunk girl approached me, asking me where Lovett was (she was asking every person this, even though her friend from Rice knew where Lovett was).  There was a slightly awkward moment where she read my shirt, "Fat is a feeling, not a shape," and she said that she was fat, but not a feeling, a shape.
I weakly tried to reply, "It's ok... I'm fat too..."
But she was like, "No, you're not.  But it's good to know I'm a feeling, not a shape."  This would kind of repeat throughout our conversation.  haha...

Her gaydar was good--right after that, she asked me if I was gay (thinking back, that may be because I said I was fat.  lol).  I said yes, she told me she was lesbian, we hugged, talked for a bit and hugged some more, and while I offered to walk with them to Jones, they demanded that I go study MCAT (which is what I told them I was going to do when they asked if they were taking me away from anything).  The girl told me that she was Jewish and believed in God, and came from a Jewish family, so coming out to her family was difficult.  I told them how I came out to my family last winter break, and they were fortunately pretty accepting about it.  I also told them how my family is Christian, and that I'm Christian, and she mentioned about her girlfriend who was Catholic, but described her in terms of not a really practicing Catholic, and she kind of asked about me, about if I were Protestant.  I affirmed that I was, and that I was actually co-President of my Christian fellowship here.  haha.

A good-looking girl passed by, and she went to go talk to her.
During this, the mutual friend hugged me, and I told her how because of what I believe about the Bible, I was actually celibate.  I invited her to come to CCF, though, and she said that she would.  She started to mention how religion was a really complex subject, but then got cut off by her friend who came back.  She then said that after saying that, she felt like she should explain herself, but I said that we could just have a meal sometime.  The girl agreed, and said she would like to come to CCF, and her lesbian friend was like, "Yes, go have a meal with David!"  My friend, looking a little distressed/concerned about what I had told her, tried to tell me that I was a good person and kind and all.  She wished me luck with everything I was going through, and hugged me multiple times.  I told her how good it was that we got to catch up a little, and she laughed and said that it was nice, although under pretty strange circumstances.  haha.  true true.

We said our goodbyes, hugged some more, and then parted ways.  It was pretty interesting, pretty crazy, and pretty awesome.  (Curiously, the drunk girl shares the same name as the girl I met on fourth floor Wiess.  haha.)

I'm excited to meet up with that mutual friend of the lesbian and I, and it's cool to see God working, especially when I least expect it.  =)

"I feel like I can talk with you about the things that matter most."

I wish I could meet more people like how I met her tonight.  She was crying after her phone call, and after multiple questions of if she was ok, and if she wanted to talk, we hugged for a minute and then introduced ourselves.

I've been so selfish these past two years.  Last year, I still remember seeing an Asian guy who looked so dejected and depressed as he walked towards Anderson.  I'm sure I saw him at least once more, and each time I wanted to ask if he was ok.  But I didn't.  I was too lazy and too scared.

May You help me to change that this year, Lord.  You're the one who empowers me, who gives me the strength to continue and the strength to reach out.

Tonight, I almost walked by and just left her, but hearing her sniffling, I knew I needed to turn around.  And I almost started to walk away after she said that she was gonna be fine.  What else can I do, then, if she doesn't want to talk?  But she did, at least briefly.  And it was so good.

May I be selfless for Your glory... especially when I never see the benefits of it, unlike tonight.

"When I follow God I find peace. 

That does not mean that I find happiness or comfort. I think I was well served by reading Dorothy Day's autobiography early in my conversion, because Day makes it clear that peace is not comforting or nice or easy. Peace is the hard work of dragging each moment into place like a giant brick. Peace is grueling. Peace is debilitating and you feel stupid and boring and dumb and worthless every time you drag another stupid boring brick up to its place. 

Peace is about finding your place. 

Your place may not be comfortable. It may not be pretty; maybe part of your vocation is to make this kind of Christian life beautiful! Maybe you have the painful crown of the pioneer. 

But Christ will move you past happiness, past comfort, into the hard work of peace."


--Eve Tushnet  from Wesley Hill's Tumblr

The painful crown of the pioneer.  Hm.  This quote just echos the thoughts that I had last year, as I laid on the floor trying to sleep, thinking, "It's not about my happiness."

Life's not about that.  Life's about displaying His glory.

Recently, a D-Camp (Discovery Camp, HCC's camp for middle schoolers) counselor, friended me on Facebook, telling me that he'd really like to talk to me, qualifying his request by saying that it must seem creepy.  I friended him, told him I've done way creepier things (xD), and asked what was up.
As I was hoping, he told me he was also a gay Christian.  He said he was really glad to have finally met another Christian who was struggling with this, and he found out about me from Stanley and Henry (a couple of Impact counselors).  We've been talking via Facebook messaging for quite a bit, and it's been good.  Although we've kinda stopped because he wants to continue things via chat, but I'm so bad at devoting time to chat... =\  hopefully we'll get to speaking again.  I really want to hear about his story and where he comes from.

He also knows Rosanna and Elfrey from UT, and I asked them about him briefly, but when they probed more into why he friended me, I kinda avoided the question.  Elfrey was totally like, "I think you're hiding something from us..." (haha.  xD) and I responded by telling him to just ask him.  I'm not really into outing people, especially considering that I hadn't asked him specifically if I could.  He did say that if someone asked him if he was gay, he would tell them.  Much like how I was just a year ago.  He says he's not totally open about it yet.  But he's come out to quite a few people, but I think in terms of his fellowship at UT, it was at the beginning of the summer, so Elfrey and Rosanna probably missed it (as well as Stanley and Henry, haha.).  Kinda curious to see how they all react when they find out.

It's been really good to be able to talk to people and hopefully provide some comfort/inspiration/resources for them.  =)  In terms of Rice, however, gay Christians have been severely lacking.  I wonder what--or rather who--God will bring into this new school year and into my life...

This has all made being a pioneer not so bad... and while I can't say it's all been good, it has definitely brought me more peace about my situation.  =)  Thank you, Lord.

"I am the man who yelled out from the crowd

for Your blood to be spilled on this earth-shaking ground.

Then I turned away with a smile on my face

with this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace.

And then alone in the night, I still called out for You

so ashamed of my life, 

my life, 

my life.

But You love me anyway.

Oh, God, how You love me."

I will get better at handling this.

That's not up for debate.


Psalm 73.

"More Musings On" Blog

I googled "Wesley Hill" (the author of Washed and Waiting) and followed from there.  I've spent much of the last few days just pouring over other Christian gay celibate writers and bloggers, and although this link I'm sharing isn't from someone who's gay, I think I enjoy this blog the most.  She's so intelligent and caring, that after reading a few of her posts, I immediately signed up to be a follower.  She also has a pretty good conservative Christian case for civil same-sex marriage:  http://www.musingson.com/ccCase.html  Will definitely be posting that on Facebook soon and encouraging people to read it.

Also, I've been learning about Side A gay Christians, and Side B gay Christians.

Side A--believe that gay people can get married, but should save sex for marriage.
Side B--believe that gay people ought to be celibate (at least from same-sex relationships).


Of course, if you know me, you know I'm Side B.


And I've felt super validated by what she wrote about Wesley Hill's interview (http://moremusingson.blogspot.com/2009/11/side-b-interview-on-gcn-radio.html) about Side B Christians (and she's friends with Wesley Hill!!  So envious...).


"I personally think being a Side B gay Christian is the toughest calling of all. They don't fit in with the majority of "out" gay Christians, who are mainly Side A. They aren't warmly embraced by the conservative church since they reject the label of "ex-gay." And they don't have the comfort of having a life partner to support them through these difficulties. 

Yet Side B'ers will make the biggest impact on the conservative church for the benefit of all gay Christians because of two reasons: 1) Their commitment to celibacy means they can't be dismissed out-of-hand by straight Christians as sexually immoral. 2) They are insisting on being called "gay" and are not letting straights get away with thinking that homosexuality is something you can just detox from. 

Side B gay Christians are in the best position to change minds in the toughest pockets of the conservative Christian church, and yet they tend to be the most marginalized group among a marginalized group. They very much need our encouragement, support and prayers."

=D  Very encouraging post already.

Not saying that the straight Christian response she details above is what I get from HCC or CCF, but it's just good to know that there are people out there who understand, and who actually articulate it into words. 

Life isn't even that hard for me now.  Once I'm out of college, in my early 30s--assuming I'm not in a relationship with or pursuing some girl I somehow happen to find attractive in all areas--it'll be much more difficult.  Just reading from a blog of a Christian gay celibate (http://gayandchristian.blogspot.com/) who is in her early 30s breaks my heart for her and her loneliness.  Someday that'll probably be me.  And I think that's ok right now... but we'll see how I feel then.

Interestingly, I realize that Clara is probably Side A, and maybe a couple others I know too... at least the majority of gay Christians I know

Some of her other good posts.
From http://moremusingson.blogspot.com/2010/01/beyond-silence.html


"The problem I hear about now, especially from young gays who attend evangelical churches or Christian colleges, is not that fellow Christians are hostile toward them, but rather they treat their homosexuality with silence. Complete deathly silence. No one says a word. One reader told me, "I came out to my brother a year ago but he hasn't mentioned it to me since. It's almost like I never came out to him at all."

I wonder if many straight Christians are so afraid of saying the wrong thing they've become utterly paralyzed. Silence is certainly better than screaming "pervert!" at somebody and calling up his pastor to get him excommunicated. But when a gay friend or family member comes out to you, he or she is signaling that they want the silence to be broken. They want the door of conversation to be open from now on. It doesn't have to be a daily topic of discussion, but it should lead to something, and you need to keep in mind that anyone who comes out to you is purposely making him- or herself vulnerable to whatever your response might be. That takes guts. Giving no response at all, ever, is a terrible way to react. 

Possibly the best response you can give, if it's an honest one, is: "This doesn't change anything about our friendship as far as I'm concerned," or, "I love you just the same." If you can't say anything quite that positive, you should say something that's both honest and decent: "This has really thrown me for a loop. Is it alright if I get back to you after I've collected my thoughts?" And then make sure you get back to them. If someone was brave enough to come out to you, you should at least try to be brave enough to follow up as promised."


And from her follow-up post since people enjoyed the one above so much  (http://moremusingson.blogspot.com/2010/01/beyond-silence-continued.html):


"It's pretty difficult for someone who is gay to bring this stuff up with you. They don't want you to accuse them of being "pushy," or of coming off like an "activist." It's better when you take the initiative. Even if you never end up having a deep conversation, the little gestures do make a difference in a relationship. And if you're a Christian, there's no better way to let that person know that the love you claim to have for them in Christ is genuine."


Oh how I agree.  At times, I've wondered if I was talking about being gay too much.  But like I've said before, when I came out to CCF, at that point in my life, coming out to people was just something that had to be done for me.  The blogger puts it so well in another post (http://moremusingson.blogspot.com/2010/05/thankfully-this-wont-be-your-life.html):


"And if you're straight and you know someone who is trying to grapple openly with the truth of his or her own homosexuality, please be supportive. Don't think of that person as "pushing homosexuality in your face." Rather see them as trying to save their own sanity, or perhaps even their own soul." 


Trying to save my own sanity.  hm.  So true.  
While I've worried about writing too much about being gay on this blog and people getting bored with that... well... that's too bad, I guess.  I need to realize that it's almost imperative for me to write about this for myself.  As selfish as that may sound... I need this.  
And I think others need to hear it and understand that while I came to be Side B fairly quickly and easily, this Side is neither quick nor easy for anyone. 


I've been grateful for the counselors at Impact who have thanked me for sharing and told me encouraging things about how they were encouraged.  I appreciate that they don't stay silent.  =)


So just try to remember some of the above.  She has good stuff.  She is so insightful that I'm just amazed she isn't gay herself.  So supportive and kind...

Minor Thoughts on My Mind

• Ashley told me today, "I think it's so cool that I can say, 'The president of my fellowship is gay.'"  Haha.  xD  aw, objectively, I think that is pretty cool.  Although I guess that's pompous of me to say... since I'm the one she's talking about. -_-  bahaha, I could say that too, to people who don't know I'm gay or the co-pres of CCF.  Then I can decide whether to tell them that that's me and slam that awkward pile of bricks down.  lulz.  Or be obnoxious and say that to people who already know the above anyway.  haha.  Like tell some random CCF member, "Did you know the president of our fellowship is gay??"  *confused look from victim*  "...oh yeah, that's me.  LOL!"   /troll.
• I really appreciated what Johnny said last night about how I'm his go-to guy when he thinks about someone being gay, Christian, and God-honoring.  yay!  Just what I want to be/do for people.  =)
• At this point, I'm definitely going to try to be a part of Q&A as much as possible for the rest of college.  Although I've heard mixed stuff about it... so we'll see how it goes.  In any case, I need to meet more gay people.
• To be honest, part of the reason why I want to come out to my home church is just so I can write, "I'll be your GBF" on my fb profile.  haha.

Camp Impact

(I have two big praises for God these past few weeks, and here's the most recent)

I came into Camp Impact not ready, not knowing what I was doing, and having little idea of what was gonna go down.  And while some of my one-on-ones and discussions could have gone better, God worked through me and my campers anyway.


At Camp Impact this year, there were over 200 campers, about 40 counselors, two directors, and the speaker.  For those who don't know, we're split into "family groups" of two small groups:  one guy group and one girl group, each having about 4 or 5 campers.  Impact runs from Wednesday to Sunday (this year, the 27th to the 31st).
I had 5 guys that were incoming sophomores, and Elaine and I shared our testimonies at our first Family Time with both small groups on Thursday.  After talking about studying Mormonism and apologetics, I talked about being gay, being celibate from same-sex relationships, and just wanting to show the world that there's more to life than sex and fulfilling those desires. Some people might compare the necessity for sex to the necessity for food and water, but I want them to know that there's an even greater need out there:  our need for God.

Earlier the night before, I even mentioned pornography and masturbation to the guys and talked about how they shouldn't be ashamed if they struggle with those things.  So I was pretty much laying it all there, and hoping they'd be open with me so I could pour into them and help them with whatever they were struggling with.

At first, I feared I might've been too open and maybe they felt uncomfortable.  So on Thursday night during small group, I asked if me talking about being gay made them feel uncomfortable, and they pretty much all shook their heads.  After I shared about my own trials with beign gay, I asked my campers what trials they were going through, and three of my guys shared pretty quickly.  It was down to two more campers, and I sat there, for at least 2 or 3 minutes in silence (I was inspired by Lynn's talk about the sacredness of silence during our counselor meeting right before) and finally one of the two spoke up.  I commented on what he said and then waited for the last camper, asking him if there was anything.  Which, I mean, considering that he himself had said before that he liked how the speaker was saying that everyone struggles with something, I expected at least something, even if it wasn't really vulnerable.  He started with "Mmm..." and stopped.  I waited another minute or so, asked again, and he started again with "Mmm..." and stopped again.  Finally, when I waited and asked if there was anything, he shook his head, and in my head, I was like "Wait, really?  You can't think of anything?"  But I responded with, "Ok, that's fine!" and changed the subject.  Judging by the time it took for him to not speak, I felt like there was something there.

But I realized I shouldn't be pushing or necessarily expecting my campers to be completely open with me.  Rather, perhaps my openness was a gift from God, and I shouldn't judge people if they aren't ready to share. So I prayed that if they didn't share with me what they were going through, that they would be able to share with someone else who could support them and with God to help them with it.

The next day, however, the camper who didn't share the night before told me that he had been questioning his sexuality since 6th grade.

The counselors always talk about how they can see how God placed their campers in their small groups for a reason.  Just by seeing how the groups have people in it who struggle with what they struggle(d) with in their lives, they could truly see God working.  I had been wanting that to happen to me too, as I put on my application that I really wanted to help anyone who was struggling with homosexuality.  In fact, just in case, I had brought along a copy of Washed and Waiting to just give away.  I half-expected God to place someone who was gay in my small group, and I, frankly, may have been a little disappointed if there hadn't been anyone (a little selfish, I know).

Ask and you shall receive, the other counselors told me when I shared this story.  Yes, yes... but I didn't actually think God could--or perhaps would--provide.  Out of the 100+ guys at Impact, I got the one who was open enough to tell me he knew he wasn't straight.  By the sheer happiness that I could have a chance to help this camper, I teared up when he told me that he was questioning his sexuality and I had to awkwardly wipe away my tears welling up in my eyes as he was talking with me.

I'd been wanting for so long for this struggle to not seem so pointless, and the chance to pour into this camper was certainly an answer to those prayers.
Actually, after I thought more about it, he's the first bi/gay/questioning person who is younger than me.

I spent the next few hours (and arguably days) in a daze.  Just amazed that God would be so kind as to bless me with this camper, this responsibility, and the chance to help him out.  That God would fulfill that deepest desire in me to bring others closer to Him.  I've already written to him specifically about dealing with this and I got to give him Washed and Waiting that day.  (I was literally like, "Ooh, I have a book to give you!!  =DDD!!)  I don't know how much he wants me to be in his life, but considering I'm the second person he's voluntarily told... well, that's pretty sacred, in my opinion.

That was probably the biggest highlight of Camp.  Close follow-ups would be getting to know Kevin Y. better, learning about Susan S.'s testimony, and just the overall experience and reminder of the Gospel.

At the end of camp, we give each other encouragement grams (e-grams), and here is one that I continue to look back on.

(btw, "family group" extends to calling the girl and guy counselor Mom and Dad respectively.)

"Hey David!  Thank you so much for being an awesome Dad!  I felt really inspired to know I wasn't alone in my problems.  I'm so glad I met you (and thanks for the book)!  Hope I see you sometime!  *HEART* U DAD!"

I've read this numerous times already.  It was my most-anticipated e-gram, and although it's short, it's still really good.  I cherish it so much.  

To wrap up, let me get the little ironies that I so like to focus on sometimes for evidences of God working (not exactly the most reliable source of info, but I think it's cool nonetheless).  As I was waiting for Impact, I took these as signs that Camp Impact was God's will for me.

• This year's theme is "The Return of My Superhero." I'm not really into superheroes much, but my small group's name was the Nightcrawlers, and Nightcrawler is my favorite X-Men (X-Man?...)!  I just really like his mutant power of being able to teleport.
• I was living in Noah's Ark... if I had to change my name to anything, I'd probably choose Noah.
• My camp wife is a KIPP kindergarten teacher... Albert and I are leading an Alternative Spring Break to a KIPP school.

awesomeeee...God is good.  Just pray for the campers that they would continue to walk closely with God and dig deep into His Word.  And pray for my son who happens to take after his father.  May he not be ashamed of himself and his struggles, and may God flood him with the comprehension of what is the breadth, and length, and height, and depth of Christ's love.