"I feel like I can talk with you about the things that matter most."

but I still find myself wishing I could talk--and do--the things that don't matter as much. Just like you can.

Again and again, i wish i were competent around them.  

If only for the sake of blending in.  For reaching out.  For not feeling like I'm so inadequate.

I wish I didn't care so much.  When did I get so insecure?

Also... this year is not going to be easy.  Generally, I feel like I hide my emotions well when I want to, but lately, it's been leaking out.  Multiple people have asked me if I was stressed, and I was kind of taken aback at how many people noticed.  Additionally, this scares me a little, since it's a sign that I'm so stressed that people can tell.

Administration is mostly certainly not one of my strong points.  I easily get so worked up about things running smoothly, that it tends to take a toll on myself.

But I can tell that while it won't be an easy year, I will definitely be stretched.  I will grow.  It will be painful, but I will be sanctified.  And through it all, I can see myself depending on God more and more, and I can see Him working in so many ways.  Angela and Lan both shared today about how powerfully God has been in their lives since they became Christians in April.  Lan talked about her transition from feeling like an outsider at church to finally feeling like she belonged at HCC last Sunday, and while she expressed a lot of gratitude with my keeping up with her over the summer, I frankly felt like I barely did anything.  So I praise God for working in her life, and encouraging her to seek Him.  I couldn't help but tear up as she was sharing about her summer and her spiritual life.  God is so good.

Maybe I will someday find more peace about myself as well.  Perhaps I'll end up conforming to how everyone else acts, or I'll fully realize and internalize that I have just as legitimate of a role to play as any of the other guys.  That my talents and interests don't have to match up to others' for me to be--or perhaps more importantly, feel--accepted by them.

Thoughts I found while searching about that passage in 1 Cor. 12:14-16.  From here.

". . . our response to being given a less prominent gift may reveal an inflated estimation of ourself. Consider these words of Paul recorded in 1 Corinthians:

For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body,” it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I am not a part of the body,” it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body (1 Corinthians 12:14-16).

At first I was inclined to think that the “foot” and the “ear” did not regard themselves highly enough, but this is not what Paul is saying. The “foot” does not say, “Because I am a foot, I am not a part of the body.” He says, “Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body.” The “foot” does not think too little of himself; he thinks too much of himself. He (wrongly) thinks that being a “hand” is more important (prestigious?) than being a “foot.” If he cannot be a “hand,” the “foot” refuses to function as a part of the body at all. The “foot” thinks he is better than the gift he has been given. He thinks too highly of himself. There is no sacrificial service of worship here but only self-seeking ambition. The “foot” needs not more self-esteem but more humility and gratitude. The “foot” needs to “die” to himself and to fleshly desires and ambitions."

More humility and gratitude.  Death of self and my self-seeking ambitions and desires. Thanksgiving to God for the place I'm in, for the struggles I face, and for the inherent gifts, talents, and interests I have, no matter how "uncool" they may seem to me and others.  Consequently, I give gratitude to God even when I don't have inherent gifts, talents, and interests that I and others think are "cool."