Names I Like

Boys

1. Noah
2. Adrian
3. Gregory
4. Micah
5. Darren
6. Paul

I'd like my first two boys to be named

Noah Adrian Wang
(peaceful [possibly long-lived, comforter, or wanderer], from Hadria [wow, boring...])
or
Noah Gregory Wang
peaceful [/long-lived/comforter/wanderer], watchful/vigilant

and

Micah Darren Wang.
(who resembles God, great)
or
 Micah Gregory/Adrian Wang depending on what I don't use for the first boy

maybe a third would be
Darren Paul Wang  (whoa, really similar to Dillon's name)
(great, small)


Girls

1. Madison (son of the mighty warrior)
2. Desideria  (much desired [Kevin tells me that kids with abnormal names will do worse in school, and are less successful at life... so maybe not as a first name at least.  =(  ])
3. Adrian...?  (from Hadria)
4. Lydia...?  (from Lydia [*yawn*])

Madison Desideria Wang?

that might be too many syllables...

can't really find girl names I really like... maybe that's because some of the boy names I can see myself having, or are names that I'd love to be called, but for girls... hm.  Not really partial to anything.

I wish I could be a Noah or a Micah.  Gregory/Darren are too similar to people I know or know of, but they could work well as middle names (hence my first two boy names).  I don't really see myself being an Adrian though, but I saw that name recently and was like, Hm, I like that.

On Friendships Between Men and Women

http://soulation.org/jonalynblog/2012/08/harry-and-sally-are-wrong-friendship-men-and-women.html

I like this post more so than the last one about opposite-sex friendships, but I think the last one certainly has its place.  This one seems more practical, though (and she quotes from Sirach!! =D so how can I not repost that?).

Also, reading about her egalitarian views is pretty cool.  Good food for thought.

Why Gratitude Isn't Just For Thanksgiving

From a link on Eve Tushnet's blog, here's science to help back up the positive effects of gratitude.

Finally heard back.  My application is not off-the-wall with the whole gay Christian personal statement!  I was starting to get worried that I might be seen as a mentally unstable/contradictory person.
I think I've probably looked at the UWSOM email telling me I got an interview like 5 or 6 times.  There's no date set yet, but they impressively got back to me about an interview invite in less than two weeks from my application being complete.
I look at it, and think, "My ticket outta here."

But then at the same time, I see some things on fb, and I'm like, "Ugh.  no.  I don't want to go back and be with the people I escaped from for college."  I suppose if the time comes, I can just choose to hang out with other people.  Also, I chose Spokane as my first-choice first-year site, instead of Seattle, so I may not see them much anyway.

I finally met another gay celibate-from-same-sex-relationships Christian on Sunday.  We hit it off really well, imo, and I think he felt similarly, although he may be reading my blog, so well, um... hawkward.  Hi!  =D

As I was in my room that night, I thought, you know, I could maybe stay in Houston after all.  Perhaps my judgment's cloudy right now, but it wouldn't be that bad to be in Houston.  Maybe all I needed was another person like me.  Gonna have to see if I ever hear back from here, though.

when prayer is the only thing left

I am more irritable and impatient than I can ever recall being.

I suppose that's the only update.

I'm just going to publish this.

---

10/24

Was this only a week-and-a-half ago that I wrote most of this?

I no longer feel as sad as I did back then, but I think time just blows things over.  Or you have your crisis, and after a while, your brain mercifully lets you off from it.  Sure, I could be crippled by this for the next year, but that's simply not practical.  Thank you, God, for the respite, and for realizing that maybe it doesn't matter so much.

Even if it doesn't matter that much, it doesn't change the fact that what I wrote below is still fresh and poignant to me.

---

10/14

I don't say that I didn't go because I can't handle seeing the two of you together since it just reminds me of what I don't have.

maybe I want him to be gay so that there will be someone who can finally be that person for me.  we're at similar levels of age and maturity, and maybe he'll be someone who needs to share this experience with me.  Someone who can get me, and whom I can get, and whom not just anyone can have a monopoly on because our experiences are so unique to everyone else and yet so much the same to each other.

"You're my person,"  Cristina and Meredith tell each other.  The emergency contact person.  The one who needs to know--who wants to know--what's happening.  The one who sticks through the relationship and through the marriage and with whom you can trudge through life together and come out on the other side together.  Battered and scathed from the surrounding events... but at least you have each other.

it is sad, isn't it?  to go through college and realize you don't have those deep friendships that you're supposed to build.  To come to year four and find out you've just about failed again.


it's funny, how similar I feel to my posts a year-and-a-half.
Actually, it's not funny at all. I really hate that I do.
It's like nothing's changing.  And so that's another reason why I feel like I need to get out.

is this the part where I snap?

The part where I go back on my word.  The part where I give up on what I said I believe in.  The part where I break down.

It doesn't feel like it's my time... so i'm guessing no.


But the only thing people say to me is how hard it must be and what an encouragement I am to them.

That's just not enough anymore.

Dangers of Emotional Purity/Courtship

http://darcysheartstirrings.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-teachings-of-emotional-purity-and.html

THOUGHTS??  (and thoughts on the next two posts in the series?)

Josh Yip posted this on his tumblr, and I felt that it, and the next two posts in the series, were quite good, insightful, and thoughts I've been wondering too.  The third point in this first post... man.  Good stuff. And I think it articulates a lot of the fear between guy/girl friendships.

In the second post, I didn't read all of the responses from other people, but I did think it was sad that so many people seemed to have the same story of having almost no opposite-sex friendships.  Perhaps it's in part a product of how sexualized our culture is... everyone feels like there must be this sexual tension in opposite sex friendships, even when there isn't.


It's also interesting because I think people shy away from close opposite-sex friendships because they're afraid one person will fall for the other.  But the author brings up a good point:  so what?  It'll be painful.

This section in particular made me think.

"I think the pain of heartbreak is exactly what motivates IKDG [I Kissed Dating Goodbye] and every mother who loves the book.

And the pain of heartbreak isn't just a poor motivator.

Fleeing it is outright wrong.

Heartbreak is something we need to brave to be alive, human, Christian. 

Heartbreak is part of being in God's image. All of creation groans until it is united with him and God yearns to be united with us. The tragedy of sin is the rend it creates in our relationship with God - our separation from him breaks his heart. This is why the cross was worthwhile to Him. If we are to imitate Christ, we cannot avoid heartbreak. Christ courageously loved us despite knowing in advance that his heart would be broken... 

And honestly, how would we feel about Christ and God if he never really loved us and it never really pained him that we didn't love him back?"

And those last sentences... I actually was thinking about a similar topic earlier today or yesterday.  I was thinking about how when Heaven comes, none of us will feel sadness or pain, and then I was wondering that since God is completely fulfilled in the Trinity, if God feels sadness or pain.  I thought, yes, of course He does, like what about the verses regarding grieving the Holy Spirit?  That's obvious pain/sadness.

But I thought, "Man, that's dumb, God.  Why would you care about what we do and letting that hurt you?"  He could be happy all the time, He could be content, and never suffer.  
And yet the crazy thing is that He does care.  He does suffer.  He chooses to, for our sake because He cares for us.  I think that last sentence with the question really hit that home for me.  "...honestly, how would we feel about Christ and God if he never really loved us and it never really pained him that we didn't love him back?"

Anyway, before that quote, the second post points out that you'll fall out of love if it isn't right, assuming you're seeking for a right relationship.

"If you fall in love, pursue it, no matter how 'wrong' the guy seems to be for you. Chase it for all it is worth. (Except: do it in a healthy, boundary-conscious way.) If it is not the relationship God intends for you to have, you will fall out of love. This is true! This is what the books for some reason ignore. If it's an unhealthy relationship and you are committed to developing a healthy relationship, the relationship will end."

Which I thought was interesting--a little dangerous, but perhaps only mainly for the fact that you could get heartbroken.  I guess maybe some people are worried that they won't fall out of love, that the unhealthy relationship won't end, they won't see the unhealthiness, and will forever end up in a bad relationship with the person they fell in love with?  I think maybe the author is right in asserting that it will end, though.  But maybe it just won't end on the time scale that you want it to, and that's just dangerous?  Like she kinda hints at, however, life is risky after all.


(Times when i'm a little glad I'm gay because I'm not paranoid/don't think too far in how close or not close my relationships with girls should be.  haha.  As for guys, well, if the guy is straight, nothing will result from it anyway, and I don't know enough gay guys/I don't hang around enough for us to get that close.  I may be actually still damaged a bit from these thoughts and principles because they're so pervasive in our Christian culture, but I don't feel the effects as much as others might.)

"We need to get into the same medical school!"

I just sit there, in the corner, and watch their conversation.

I'm eavesdropping, looking in from the outside, and wondering why
I can't share the same things with someone else.

Why doesn't someone share the same thoughts,
the same feelings,
the same desires?

These are the times when I feel like I need to get out of here.

I can't handle this much longer.



i'm so insecure around you.
Are we unnatural?
Maybe it's best that we'll drop it in the end.

I know this isn't how it's supposed to be.



maybe it wouldn't be any different elsewhere, though.
---

I can see myself falling in love with an adorkable boy.

Like today, in p. chem, when the prof made a joke that I found somewhat amusing,
but not amusing enough to laugh.
There was this guy in the front row who laughed audibly and smiled and the prof
looked over and smiled too.

I thought, "I could fall in love with a guy like that."

He wasn't particularly built or incredibly good-looking,
he was just kinda cute and adorkable.

I could be with someone like that.

Someone who trips over himself,
who smiles genuinely when he feels awkward or embarrassed,
who is willing to dance when he knows he's not dancing well,
but who laughs it off anyway.

Someone who tries to be mature,
who can talk queer theory
and politics and theology like the best of them,
but who's a little naive,
and part-kid through and through.

Someone who's not afraid to love,
and love fiercely,
even if it means
his heart is
open for me to touch.


I could really be with someone like that.

---

I'll sit here alone,
night after night,
the only one on this floor, it seems.

Does anyone actually want to be like this?
Maybe I just handle it as de facto for my life,
and it becomes almost the norm.

My Dream Back-Up Plan

If I don't get into medical school, here's my dream plan.

First Year

• First, work for about half-a-year... perhaps some lab work?  More lab work at the lab I've been at for the past 3 years?  (I might not actually mind doing it.  I've heard if you work at Rice, you get to take one free class per semester that you get actual credit for.  Maybe that only applies to some people working at specific jobs, though.  In any case, maybe I would take a semester of Arabic or Koine Greek?  Or maybe Modern Arabic would be too many credits and not qualify.  Ooh, if 5 credits were ok, maybe I could take the Ling department's Field Methods, actually, and get a head start on my second year primary plan.)
• While I'm working for that first half-year, apply for Marshall scholarship to study in the UK
• Then go to Bolivia for three months, maybe China/Singapore for three months.  Or maybe Bolivia for six.
• Plane ticket for Bolivia ~$1000 - $1500, and then $500 per month for food/accommodation/volunteering.  So  if I stay in Bolivia for six months, and can save up at least $4500 , with another ~$2000 for travelling (The Salt Flats of Uyuni during the rainy season! La Paz!  Maybe even Peru and Machu Picchu?), I should be good.  $6500 would be roughly 5 months of working if I worked full-time and got a net income of $8 an hour.
• I've never been to Singapore and thus have never met one of my dad's sisters (he only has two), and one of my cousins (I only have three cousins on both sides).  It'd be cool to see what Singapore is like.

Second Year

• Reapply for medical school
• Assuming I get the Marshall scholarhip, get a Master's in Language Documentation and Description in London in one year.  (*drool*)  If I don't... I suppose get some loans to pay for it?
• Alternate plan:  Get a Master of Divinity (also *drool*).  Maybe learn some Koine Greek in that degree to someday do Bible translation?  This would possibly be a three-year program, though.
• Alternate plan #2:  Get an MPH in a year or two.
• Alternate plan #3:  Go to beauty school and learn about barbering so I can cut my own hair (this may be done during the First Year instead).

Although the alternate plans would be expensive (an M. Div program at Duke would be a pricey $20,000 a year, not including food/accommodation/insurance!  D=  I wonder if they have good financial aid), they'd be pretty awesome.  And beauty school is something I just recently started entertaining... haha.  Kevin was rather taken aback that I was looking at barbering/cosmetology programs and was all like, "Who are you??" I suppose getting a certificate/degree in barbering would be a rather long route just to learn how to cut my own hair.  Still though.  Learning new things is cool.  I'd put culinary school on there too, if I didn't feel like I'm up to snuff for that.

Well, actually writing that all out makes me kind of really want to go through with all of this... =|

At the same time, I feel this urge to just get out and be useful to the world, and since I seem to currently see my "usefulness" through medicine, getting an MD and perhaps an MPH as soon as I possibly can would still be preferable.

From Singled Out

". . . Eugene Peterson provides us with an interesting starting point.  He references John Calvin's commentary on the Psalms when he asserts that "we must develop better and deeper concepts of happiness than those held by the world, which makes a happy life to consist in 'ease, honours, and great wealth.'" For many of us the desire to marry would fall under "ease." While marriage certainly is a lot of hard work (a truth to which all our married friends would attest) and it certainly has its share of trials, most singles think being married would make life easier.  We would have companionship and someone to turn to in a time of need; we would have an outlet for our sexual desires; we wouldn't have to worry about whom to bring to the company Christmas party; we would be accepted by the church.  But is this truly all that God has in store for us?  Peterson writes,

We live in a time when everyone's goal is to be perpetually healthy and constantly happy.  If any one of us fails to live up to the standards that are advertised as normative, we are labeled as a problem to be solved, and a host of well-intentioned people rush to try out various cures on us.  Or we are looked on as an enigma to be unraveled, in which case we are subjected to endless discussions, our lives examined by researchers zealous for the clue that will account for our lack of health or happiness.

Peterson's description of how people often react to those whose lives aren't "normative" and happy sounds remarkably like how the church reacts to those who are not married and even how society at large reacts to those who are not in a romantic relationship."

--pg. 134-135, Singled Out:  Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church

(I am loving this book!)

On the Political State of Bolivia

I happened to meet the nephew of Manfred Reyes Villa, who happened to be, like I think I said before, the 4-time mayor of Cochabamba and also the previous governor of the Cochabamba state, and who ran against the current president, Evo Morales, in 2010, but was the runner-up.  The friend who's coming up to the States in December (but actually can't make it to Urbana after all... the wedding she's going to the States for is unfortunately during that time) said that he lost because he made a fatal error that basically went against all that he stood for.

Carlos (the nephew) agreed, and said that his uncle sided with the previous president, thinking it would ensure him victory.  But it did the opposite.  However, Manfred is currently in the U.S. on political asylum and will be running for president again in 2014 (for the term 2015 - 2020).  Evo's kinda been out to get him, as I read this interview that Carlos posted on Facebook about how Evo's got his name up on Interpol or something, is trying to say that he's committed a bunch of crimes when he hasn't, and is convincing people to believe that Manfred is in hiding from Interpol.
Anyway, my friend said that had he won, he probably would've been one of the best presidents that Bolivia has ever seen.  I talked to a variety of people about what they thought of Reyes Villa, and opinions were mixed.  We'll see what happens in 2014.

Why do people like Evo?  Well, for one, he is of indigenous origin (specifically Aymara [one of my new favorite words, haha], also one of the three official languages of Bolivia [Spanish, Quechua, and Aymara]), and since Bolivia is majority indigenous, many people can identify with him.
There are things that don't add up, though, like how Evo has been apparently able to do a bunch of things that he shouldn't really be educated enough to do (I think he didn't finish the equivalent of high school.  Or at least he definitely did not get a college degree).  Some people feel like it's because he's actually really smart, but others say that it's really that Evo is just the face to make people happy, while it's his vice president that's running the show.

Álvaro García Linera is the VP.  Carlos said he's never met Evo (he says he never wants to, and I guess that makes sense why.  haha, although he said his dog has met him.  Apparently, before Evo was anything, and when his uncle was the mayor, Carlos' dog went up and knocked him over when Evo was visiting their house.  Gave him paw marks on his chest too.  Carlos was apparently just upstairs in his room), but he's met Álvaro.  He said he likes him, to which I was like, really?  And then he was like, well, he's nice.
I replied, "But isn't he the one who's like running the show?"
Carlos answered, "Yeah... oh, well, yeah, I guess he's not that great.  He's a terrorist."
To which I was like, Oh.  I thought it was just American over-sensitivity (Carlos was born in the States, lived in La Paz, Bolivia for like 7 years and graduated from an international high school there, and now goes to college in the States, where he's a senior) about terrorism, but looking at Wikipedia, Álvaro was actually arrested, convicted, and thrown in jail for terrorism.  Well.
Anyway, I also learned from someone in Cochabamba that Álvaro was also tutored by the previous President before Evo.  Which made me think... really, now?  Really? So all those posters and talk about Evo being the change... it's actually the graffiti that's more accurate when it says, "Evo la misma mierda (Evo the same s**t)."


During my second week or so, I had a nice long conversation with a girl from the church I went to down there as we were waiting for another person from the same church to accompany us to La Cancha, the big street market in Cochabamba (it was my first time going, and I'd kinda asked them to go with me since all the volunteers said not to go alone since I'd get lost).  Leslie, the girl, told me all about the suckiness of the situation of Bolivia.

For one, one of Bolivia's airplane companies, Aerosur, had just declared bankruptcy in the past couple of days and was shutting down.  Which kinda sucked for everyone, since some volunteers had plane tickets they needed to change immediately, and Aerosur wasn't about to refund that money (well, since they had declared bankruptcy, I think now they could get the money back).  In fact, I orginally had my plane tickets with Aerosur, but then they cancelled all international flights before I left, and this was a week before I was about to go.  But fortunately, Rice's travel agent noticed, scrambled to get me a comparably great deal with BoA, Bolivia's other airline.  Mac I think went on to file something against Aerosur to get Rice's money back.  Glad I didn't have to deal with any of that, haha.
But anyway, BoA is not just one of Bolivia's other airline.  It's now Bolivia's only airline.  Which happens to be owned by the government.  Leslie told me that in actuality, the government could have saved Aerosur.  It could have also saved another airline that had recently declared bankruptcy in the last couple of years too.  But it didn't.
Why is that?  Well, one can speculate that it's because now that the government has a monopoly on the airplanes going in and out of the country, it can jack up those prices.  It can also increase drug trafficking to other countries... all wonderful things for the people of Bolivia, I'm sure.

That made me pissed and sad... but I think apparently some wealthy American or some foreigner at least gave Aerosur a few million USD to start back up again.  When I was at the airport in July, though, Aerosur's kiosks were still empty.  Might be a while before they can get back on their feet.

Maybe this is just one reason why people say that Bolivia has one of the most corrupt governments in the Western Hemisphere.

Leslie continued to tell me about how some people are just gaining so much money from things like drug trafficking, and then hiding their money by buying all this real-estate and constructing huge buildings, as she pointed to some finished buildings or some being constructed around us.  Evo thus tells people that Bolivia is in great economic shape--just look at all these new buildings!  But in reality, it's just a facade.  It's not sustainable, and nor is it an indication that the poor are getting better.  Although I suppose more buildings at least means more jobs and eventually more business.  But at the same time, that whole, rich are getting richer thing, and not much else happening.

Leslie did talk about how she wanted to help out her country when she finishes her architecture degree.  She already has a degree I think in some kind of engineering, and so she wants to use all of that to help develop her country.  It was so nice to be able to talk to some Christians there, and hear their passion and trust in God during all of this.  =)  At the same time, though, she said that if Evo gets reelected, she might move out of the country for a while and study/work somewhere else.

Evo shouldn't get reelected, though, because he's already on his second term, and Bolivia's constitution only allows him to serve two terms.  Unless... oh,wait... yeah, you guessed it, he's trying to change the constitution so he can get another term.  Wonderful.

I think Manfred has a good chance of winning the election in 2014.  Carlos told me that if his uncle does become president, I'll be able to meet him!  Yay!  =)  (he also said that I'm one of his top three favorite other volunteers... =)  This was probably helped by my starstruckness and infatuation on him, which ended up with me paying him much more attention, lol) Part of me kinda wants Manfred to wait another term... because, well, if he wins two terms in a row, then that's 2015- 2025, and by 2022, I've just finished my residency if all goes well, and gotten my MD and MPH (really considering getting an MPH now, btw!  Man, how Bolivia has changed me), and am not ready to be useful enough to help out.  But if it were 2020 - 2030 or something, now then at least I'd have a few years under my belt.  Or maybe if Evo does change the constitution to include three terms and loses, 2015-2030.  Or 2020 - 2035 if Evo changes it and wins.  Then again, by 2035, Manfred would be 81.  D=

Carlos said he might go work for his uncle--he's not sure.  But the people who worked for his uncle before said that it would be good, he'd have a lot of connections after all.  I realize this is rather far-fetched and crazy, but if Carlos did end up working for the government and his uncle was the president, maybe I could work for them too.  Just a thought.  So a degree in Public Health would be pretty useful there.

Anyway, I think that's all that I wanted to say on the political situation so far.  I guess I'll be tuning in at the end of 2014 for the elections... seeing what happens to Bolivia.

I also feel slightly bad that I kind of care a bit more about the elections in Bolivia than I do in my own country, the U.S.  But at the same time, it's probably because I kind of have a more substantial connection with one of the candidates.


alsoo... slightly unrelated, but Manfred was the mayor when the Christ statue in my profile pic was being completed, and I guess he helped fund a lot of it to get it completed.  There's this plaque there around the statue that has his name in big letters at the top, haha.  Largest one in the world (if you don't include the crown on the one in Poland)... kinda crazy.

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #12

Open 1 week after the conclusion of your service

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #11

Open 1 day prior to the conclusion of your service

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #5

Open after you have had a particularly productive day related to your service

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #7

Open one day after the last question

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #6

Open on a day when you're pondering the value of your service

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #9

Open on any day after the mid-point of your experience

This is addressed to no one in particular, but actually thoughts that I've had for the past year or so.

Sometimes I wish I were Side-A, same-sex relationship affirming.

Not because I have some guy I want to be in a relationship with.  But because I wish to teach other Christians how to love those who do affirm same-sex relationships.  I want to show them so badly that, in actuality, not every person who has a different theology than you on homosexuality is automatically evil and driven by their desires.

This has never happened to my knowledge, but I would hate it if someone were to shun those who are Side A and then tout me as an example of how gay people should be.  That would infuriate me to no end.

While that has never actually happened, I do sometimes get an inkling of it.  That those exact actions and thoughts are going through that person's mind.  I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt because heck, it's probably confusing for them too.  But still.

Don't uphold Side B theology and then ostracize the LGBT community if people don't conform to it.  Just because you've happened to find this nice little niche of people that secure your previous beliefs about homosexuality does not entitle you to go on your merry way of not getting to know and love your neighbors.

Don't share about me if you're just gonna leave it at, "Oh, what do I think about gay people?  Well, I have a gay friend.  He's Christian, gay, and celibate from same-sex relationships.  I wish more gay people would be like him."  

I remember once thinking about making a stipulation that people can share that I'm gay and Christian with anyone that they choose, but only under the condition that they leave out the part about being celibate from same-sex relationships, and if the person they're talking to want more details about how being gay and Christian works, well, ask me.  I'm more than happy to talk.

But I do find myself saying I'm gay and Christian, and then immediately following up with, "But I'm celibate from same-sex relationships!"  I don't want to "lose my credibility" by not following up with that.  At the same time, maybe it's the sadist in me, but sometimes I want to just leave that part about being celibate out so I can watch people squirm as their beliefs and thoughts about interacting with gay people are challenged.  And to see just how they'd react.

I've grown to think that this gay, celibate Christian is a stock thing that I can say in Christian communities and everyone's fine and goes along with it. But in Bolivia, a couple of people I told had serious issues with it.  The fact that I even identify as gay they felt was not appropriate or good.

I suppose I am thankful in these cases that I am Side B and that I have never been in a relationship with another guy, or even kissed one.  It does lend to my credibility that I haven't been corrupted or whatnot.  I could tell that with one person, me being in a previous relationship with a guy could have ruined some of the respect she had for my viewpoint (said person also kinda caused me to have a rant about singleness at Greg's small group last week in front of Steph Y and King.  haha.  Maybe i'll mention that later).  But who I am, right now, is so vital to changing the most rigid perceptions of homosexuality in the evangelical Christian community.

Ultimately, I'd want people to share that I'm gay and celibate from same-sex relationships because I'm trusting in God to provide for me.  Because He's already provided His Son for me and given me everything through His sacrifice, so how much more can He provide for me in this?

I'd like it to be talked about and used in that way.  I'd love that.

Number 21

Ramblings.  Because I have not blogged in forever and I just have a bunch of thoughts floating around.

The big two-one in the States.  I'm ready to hit up IHOP and Denny's tomorrow--as for my other meals, who knows?  I have coupons that can be used for a bunch of other things, but they don't have to be used tomorrow, so I'm more or less open to anything.

My time back in the States has been good.  I've been blessed to be able to relax a bit and just do more or less whatever I want.  Unfortunately, my iPhone broke today (I guess the dock somehow broke, probably from attaching it to my speakers) and just wouldn't charge.  But fortunately, my phone was due for an upgrade, so I just got the same iPhone 4 (unfortunately for $100).  But since I haven't even updated to iOS 5 yet because my computer hasn't been able to recognize my phone (maybe due to those same dock problems?), so it has basically been like getting a new phone.

I am so blessed.  So so blessed.  It's crazy in so many ways.  Just looking at how I'm comfortably sitting alone in Jeff's spacious house, with food and whatever I could want to eat basically available, with mountains of clothes spilling out of my luggage (I only bought a week's worth of clothes to Bolivia, and so now I've come back and opened my luggage that held the rest of my closet).  I have a nice new Bolivian haircut (and I look GOOD, if i do say so myself, haha), I have nice new shoes and a new backpack.  I was able to be on another continent for 10 weeks just doing volunteering... not even working to get by... just volunteering.

Why is it that I hit this genetic and environmental jackpot, and so many others don't?  I think back to the sermons that were preached in the church I went to down there, about prosperity.  About how God wants to prosper us so that we can in turn pour out our prosperity to others.

So I know that's what I need to do.  In the same way that Christ saw his equality with God not something to be grasped and held tightly to, I need to have that same attitude about all the good things, all the positions, all the wealth that I have been graciously given.

Stephanie H. posted last Thursday about Urbana having their exhibits up, and I went and clicked on the first link that sounded medically-related and relevant, Hospitals of Hope.  Turns out that their main placement is sending volunteers to work at a hospital in Cochabamba, Bolivia (although not city-proper, a city that's just on the outskirts, Vinto.  Interestingly, the same city i went to go paint that school at with Projects Abroad and where I first met the nephew of the perhaps future Bolivian president).

That's absolutely crazy.  I teared up at that, just thinking about how clear it seems to me that God wants me to go back to Bolivia.  I then read the story from one volunteer's experience that was linked to on the front page, and they talk about an organization, Cristo Para La Ciudad, that I went to their English-speaking group once (I found out about it because one of the workers, Kattya, goes to my church).  I went the next day, on Friday, to their group, and talked with Kattya about Hospitals of Hope, and she said that they do have a placement with them, and as for medical placements, they have a couple other clinics you can work at too.  Maybe i'll do that for a month next summer?  It's only like $500 for room and accommodation for a month, I think.

I then told her about how I found out about Hospitals of Hope and that Cristo Para La Ciudad was involved with them because of this mission conference that put up their exhibits recently.  I told her how it was a mission conference that was happening at the end of the year that I was going to, and then she asked when it was, and I said, "Dec. 27th - 31st," 

and she was like, "I think I'm going to that conference!"  

And I was like, "Whaaat!?? You're going to Urbana??"  

And she was like, "Yeah!"  and we briefly held hands and jumped up and down and sorta screamed in excitement.  haha.  But that's just crazy.  She's going to the States for an previous volunteer's wedding, and she's getting everything set up and paid for by another mutual friend of theirs.  So we'll see if she is able to actually get a visa and everything, but man, that's just crazy nonetheless.

So perhaps for all those going to Urbana, I might be able to introduce you all to her.  haha.  That'd be awesome.

Well, it's officially my birthday in this time-zone.  Officially legal to go out and buy some alcohol if I so pleased.

I was always worried that I'd become an alcoholic.  But I realized in Bolivia after drinking at various points that

1.  I don't like the taste of alcohol.  blech.  Beer's not too bad, but for most drinks, including wine, it's just like, oogh, have to force myself to drink it down.  I don't really want to, but heck, since I paid for this, better finish it.

2.  I dislike the feeling that I'm losing control of my mental facilities.  Having my thinking slowed down, my actions a bit sluggish, ugh.  It frightens me a bit too.  The one time I drank enough to get buzzed in Bolivia, I was like, ugh, I don't really like this.  A lot of times, I just feel lightheaded/dizzy/tired, which is quite uncomfortable.

So I guess chances are, I won't become an alcoholic.  phew!

Most of my friends who are of age are either doing camp or busy.  A couple people asked someone to take me out for drinks ... we'll see how that goes... =\  It's a person I kind of half-jokingly suggested, but secretly wanted, but then secretly didn't want, but now that he's said yes, I do actually want, but then at the same time, not really.  err, in other words, I guess I'm overall excited, in that sort of butterflies-in-stomach schoolboyish giddyness way.  sigh.  It's complicated.  Better that I tell people in person than write all of it down here, so just ask me about it.

Still behind on a few Loewenstern entries.  Need to get those up!  Also, secondaries have fallen so far to the wayside... bah, priorities.  

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #10

Open one week prior to the conclusion of your service


(Ok, I realize I'm late [REALLY late at this point.. had most of this written out before I left Bolivia... oh well]... my bad! Blaming it on the impromptu travelling that I took almost directly after my work last Friday, the 13th [my technical week before the end of my service], and then the sicknesses I got from aforementioned travelling that have left me rather exhausted, and then internet problems)

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #8

Open after you've had a particularly emotional day related to service


I must preface this by saying that I'll probably be writing more about various moments than just about today. I feel like I have productive and value-of-service-questioning moments pretty much every day, so it makes it difficult to find a day where it is particularly so.  Similarly with this envelope.  But that being said, here goes!

I should probably not make working with children a lifetime career.  I think I've been sick more often than I've been well here...  >_<

At least it's getting better... the past few days have the been the worst, with a possible blepharitis, sore throat that hurt every time I swallowed, and a cough/runny nose leftover from my flu a couple weeks ago.

like wut.

This has also made me wonder if I could live in a foreign country... so much health fail.  It also makes me wonder if I could handle being a doctor, being around sick patients all the time.

Alice, the volunteer who works with me at MC (and unfortunately is leaving this Friday... =\) has countered my above fears each time I've voiced them though.  Well, I didn't say the being a doctor one out loud, but she countered the other ones about working with kids and living in South America.  We'll see.



I heard from another volunteer yesterday that Cochabamba's Pride parade is happening this Saturday!  I wish I could go--I've never been to one, and it's been lonely feeling like the only gay person in the country.  But alas, it starts at 7 p.m., and that's when my church's youth service starts.  I'd kinda rather go there and see people I know. And plus, we're apparently making pizza at someone's house.  =D  Exciting.




Also, I fail at going out of the city and seeing cool stuff and travelling.  I guess that's never been me anyway.  Plus, I don't want to miss either of my church services!  I do really enjoy my church here.
I've resigned myself to just do all my travelling and sightseeing in the future... maybe next year?  xD  Anyone wanna take a tour of Peru and Bolivia with me next summer?  ;D

(Reblog from Tumblr)

wesleyhill:

My friend Andy Byers has posted a recent conversation he and I had over email. Here’s part one, and here’s part two.

Great stuff.  My favorite Q/A (bolding mine):

HR: This seems to be the testimony of some gay Christians: “Once I embraced my sexual identity and began practicing it, I then drew closer to Christ.” You have chosen a different route, operating with an entirely different logic. It seems to me as though your testimony could be expressed in this way: “Once I embraced my sexual identity and surrendered any hope of practicing it, I then drew closer to Christ.” Is this an accurate assessment? How would you account for the disparity in these two testimonies? Are both equally valid options?

WH: One of the things we have to face up to honestly as Christians is the fact that behaviors and choices that, on a traditional Christian account of things, are “sinful” are also, nonetheless, liberating and peace-giving for some people.Remember Psalm 73: righteousness doesn’t always lead to observable flourishing! Sometimes when we seek to communicate the gospel, we feel that we need to “unmask” the peace and happiness that unbelievers say they experience before we can talk to them about Christ. “Your life is really miserable,” we say, “so you need to come to Jesus.” But is that right? What if the person replies, “But my life isn’t miserable! On the contrary!” I wonder if Bonhoeffer’s reflections on “religious blackmail” could help us here as we ponder how to speak to gay people about the historic Christian teaching on sexual ethics without attacking their own gay partnerships as just obviously ”bad” for them. To someone who is in a loving partnership, that attack will either ring hollow or be profoundly hurtful or offensive. I think of a passage from Robert Jenson’s Systematic Theology in which he says that we Christians ought to be able to recognize that some people who are rejecting Christian truth often live quite “healthy” lives, when you judge them by the standard of, say, the mental health profession. “Conversions to other religions or yogas or therapies may,” Jenson writes, “in their own ways be describable as ‘forgiveness’ or ‘liberation’ and so on. To such possibilities the gospel’s messengers can only say: ‘We are not here to entice you into our religion by benefits allegedly found only in it. We are here to introduce you to the true God, for whatever he can do for you — which may well be suffering and oppression.” Applying this kind of perspective to homosexuality, I’d like to say that gay partnerships may provide a measure of “liberation” for some and that following the historic Scriptural teaching on either marriage between one man and one woman or celibacy may be quite difficult and not obviously or empirically “good” for us, even though we trust that, in the long run, obeying God does enable true flourishing — and celibacy can indeed be joyful and life-enhancing, even in the meantime.

I was having a rather down day a couple days ago about how no guy to my knowledge has ever liked me (kinda petty, huh?  haha).  But then after I wrote some things down, I just prayed, “I’m going to trust You.” And that just brought such peace to my heart.

It’s true. This isn’t gonna be easy. Even if there are studies that show that gay celibate Christians have higher rates of suicide and depression, that living this way may not be “obviously or empirically ‘good’ for us,” it is true that I have gained so much already from living like this.  It may not always be so. In those times, it just comes down to trust.

My second favorite Q/A:

HR: Back to the issue of the Bible and homosexuality.  Many gay Christians are reading the passages on homosexuality differently from you.  When it comes to homosexuality, are the Scripture texts muddled?  Is there hermeneutical space for differing interpretations?

WH: Those of us who maintain the “traditional” viewpoint on this — that the church ought not to bless same-sex marriages — need to help people see that the historic Christian opposition to same-sex sexual partnerships does not simply rest on a few isolated prooftexts, like Romans 1 and 1 Corinthians 6 (as vitally important as those texts are!). It is, rather, part of the larger fabric of Scriptural teaching on marriage, procreation, child-rearing, celibacy, friendship, etc. So Genesis 1-2, Matthew 19, and Ephesians 5 are just as crucial, or even more crucial, for forming Christian sexual ethics than Romans 1 is. Chris Roberts, in his excellent book Creation and Covenant, has shown how all the major strands of the Christian tradition have upheld the significance of sexual difference (our creation as male and female) for the moral theology of marriage, and that that has been the basis of their opposition to same-sex partnerships. If we could help people see this more holistic vision, then perhaps the church’s continued opposition to gay marriage wouldn’t seem to rest on such an arbitrary, flimsy basis. It isn’t just about picking and choosing a few random verses and building a sexual ethic out of such fragments. It’s rather about a coherent vision — a kind of seamless garment — of Christian teaching about our creation in God’s image and the vocations that flow from our creation and redemption.

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #4

Open at the mid-point of your experience

Whoops.  I basically haven't blogged in a month.  My b.

I blame getting the flu and med school apps.  But now that those are both more or less out of the way (still waiting on a recommender... -_-), I can begin blogging some more.

Now there is obviously way too much to even begin to talk about, but I suppose talk about I must.

Misc. Updates

• My host family got another volunteer on May 29th, and it's been great to have another volunteer and another person to talk with at mealtimes.  Makes everything slightly less awkward.  She's a nursing student in Wisconsin, 24, and interestingly, comes from a Mormon family (she's no longer LDS though), and has a sister who lives in China and now speaks fluent Mandarin.  I do enjoy having a companion to go places with and to share a taxi back home when we're coming back from a dinner or outing with the other volunteers.

• Going to a conference/talk thing by Josh McDowell on Tuesday on sexuality... kinda amusing... just the fact that Bolivia in so many ways is just like a culmination or reminder of so many different things in my life.  I remember my sister giving me a day-by-day youth devotional by Josh McDowell back when I was like in middle school.  The first one I ever got and more or less completed, I think.

• Got to share the Gospel and talk about my faith with Alice, the volunteer who is mostly with me at Maria Cristina, the orphanage for people with special needs.  She's pretty open-minded she said, which is certainly true.  Hopefully I can have a few more conversations about faith with her before she leaves.

• I called my dad today (for the first time since I've been here... so 5 weeks.  oops!  But we've communicated through e-mails) for Father's Day and spoke in Mandarin for what has been ages.  I speak a little sometimes at Ciudadela, the other orphanage, since the kids want to hear some, but that isn't much of course.  When I couldn't think of the words in Chinese, though, all I could think about was Spanish... haha.  Which I suppose is a good sign that I'm practicing my Spanish quite a bit after all.

Ciudadela (the orphanage for children without special needs that I work at)

• Although I initially kind of resented being at Ciudadela, since I came expecting to work with people with disabilities, I am growing to quite enjoy it.  It's awesome to be able to speak with the kids and learn about them and their passions.  Even though some of the kids can be kind of insulting (a couple have told me, "No sabes hablar bien (You don't know how to speak well)" which naturally made me sad), they mostly all seem to really enjoy my presence there, and I can barely walk around the orphanage without hearing "TÍO DAVID!!!" and kids running up to me.  That is nice.  =)

• The place has its own challenges though... like tutoring kids in math and physics... in Spanish. Sometimes I have to help the younger kids with their Spanish homework (make words out of these syllables, or make sentences out of these words sort of exercises) and I basically just run and go get a dictionary.  lol.

• On Friday, I happened to be looking through one of the 17-year old girl's, Marisol's, notebooks, one where she seems to draw random things and write other things.  I reached one point where the word "Fracasos (Failures)" was written, and as I was reading other things out loud in the notebook, continued to read these out loud.  Of course, Marisol got embarrassed and told me to read it silently, and I quickly understood why as I reached the part where she wrote, "A 14 años, me enteró que mi papá se murió (At 14 years old, I was told that my dad died)." Underneath that was "A 2 años, mi mamá se murió (At two years old, my mom died)" and above that was a line about how she had to repeat a grade.  It usually doesn't really strike me that almost all the kids I'm working with don't have parents... but this was one of the times that it did.

• The other time was when another one of the older girls, Esperanza (I think she's 15), last week was saying that she felt sad the day before, and I asked why.  She hesitated a bit, but I continued asking, and she said because she was thinking about how her parents had abandoned her.  =(  I tried to say something like, oh, it wasn't abandonment, they just wanted you to have a better life sort of thing (Marisol was there and helped complete my sentence with "una mejor vida"... made me think that this is probably the sort of thing they hear quite often).  But of course, that's not much comfort. She later said her parents had passed away now), and that God loves them... but still.  It's hard to provide comfort in a situation like that.  I guess you can really only just be with them and give them your love.

• One other time was when Marisol was baking a cake for her teacher's birthday the next day.  She invited three of her friends from school over, and I chatted with them.  Esperanza was there as well (haha, can you tell that Esperanza and Marisol are my two favorites at Ciudadela?  They're so sweet and kind to me.)  I guess just the fact that these kids had parents and Esperanza and Marisol didn't anymore just kinda struck me.  All the kids are usually so cheery and happy whenever I see them (I guess because they're usually happy to see me.  haha, that sounds awfully prideful) that I tend to feel like they're all at boarding school or something.

• Interestingly, a few of the girls I was talking to (ranging from like 10, 12, and 17) all said they didn't want to be adopted.  After all, those parents wouldn't be one's real parents.  I could understand the 17 year-old's feelings, but I thought it was interesting that while one might always think that kids would want to be in a home, that isn't always the case.

Ahh, I still need to talk about the political situation here.  I guess I'll get there.  Ahh, and the chance to interact with cleferos.  Well, more... at some point, haha.  I also have an Envelope due tomorrow for the midpoint of my experience, so I'll be blogging for sure at least then.

More Detailed Updates Soon, But Today...

I met one of the new Projects Abroad volunteers from the States (who happened to come on the same flight to Cochabamba from Santa Cruz and helped out another new volunteer who is currently living with my host family and me since she couldn't really speak Spanish) who is the nephew of who may hopefully be the next President of Bolivia.  His uncle was also the 4-time mayor of Cochabamba city and governor of the Cochabamba state and who was 2nd place to the current president in the last election in 2009.  More on the not-so-great job the current president is doing later.

We painted two rooms together with a couple other volunteers.

He's really cute.

Tomorrow, he's planning and texting other volunteers and me about going to a Brazilian steakhouse.


may have just found my third slight infatuation since coming to Bolivia.  >_<


still in awe that I got to meet this kid.

Also, he's studying Poli Sci like Albert.  haha.

So apparently, I am actually one of the volunteers with the best Spanish skills.  Which, considering my Spanish skills, is kind of surprising.  Some of the volunteers know almost no Spanish... and that I can barely fathom, because I was scared to death of my inadequacy already.

For instance, on Thursday, as we were going to go play soccer, we met up at the office, and then a few people left through a taxi.  Then 8 of us were left, and we were trying to fit into a taxi, and we got 7 (5 in the back, 2 in the front... I was the last one to get in the back and was basically half-sitting on someone's leg and half-standing.  Pretty proud that I was somewhat able to squeeze in though, lol, with a bunch of people that I had met that day), but there was still one guy in his 20s (who happens to have the same birthday as me!  haha.  As you can tell, I like those kinds of things) that wasn't ready to squeeze 3 in the front (not sure if that would've been possible anyway).  So he offered to go on another taxi, but the staff member with us, Mariel, was like, "You don't know where you're going though." I got out and offered to help, and we eventually decided that we had to take another taxi, and that they would wait for us to flag down a taxi and make sure the second taxi knew where to go.

We flagged down a taxi and I went to go tell the taxi driver where we were going, and he knew where that was, so we piled in and then left.  The guy and I talked for a while, just the normal small talk, but about halfway through the ride, I got a call from Freddy, saying that we were actually going to a different soccer field, and to tell the driver to go there.  There was a slight mess as the call kind of got dropped, and the name of the field that the driver was repeating back to me was different than what Freddy was saying, so we parked by a park where we saw the other car turn into.  The other guy called Freddy since I didn't have a signal, and then passed the phone to me, and then we made sure that this was the right place.

What surprised me about the whole thing was that during the times when the other guy was trying to talk to the taxi driver, he spoke almost completely in English, and I was just like, Wait... what?  You were about to get onto a taxi by yourself without knowing hardly any Spanish?  Good thing I came along.  >_<  Had I been in his shoes, I would've probably been petrified with fear and maybe would've asked someone to come with me in the new taxi.

We then went off to play soccer, during which my team won, yay!  And people complimented me on my soccer skills despite wearing sandals (I didn't have enough time to change.  haha.  I did get out of breath really quickly though, and was heavily breathing pretty much the whole game due to the high altitude.  I sometimes still find it hard to breath when I'm just sitting down... it's kinda strange).  We did have the kid who was here at Projects Abroad doing the Sports program and specifically doing soccer, so that was kind of an unfair advantage... xD  Although we were losing to begin with, so perhaps our teams were actually fairly evenly matched.  Afterwards, we went out to drink and have some snacks, during which I drank some of the Bolivian beer (pretty sweet and tasty), but failed at pouring because I didn't know to tip my glass and then it just foamed all over the place... so embarrassing.  By the end of the night, I was a pro at pouring, though, haha, and one volunteer was like, You learned fast!  haha.  After about three or so glasses, though, I don't know if I felt buzzed at any point.  I mostly just felt dizzy and tired--surely partly due to the soccer game, but still.  Did I need to drink more?  Did I drink too much?  I didn't feel like I was drunk... and I didn't know drinking would feel that uncomfortable... shattered dreams of constant elatedness and such, I guess.  I just wanted to sleep after that.

Anyway, back to Spanish abilities.  This morning, I was translating for one of the volunteers who's been here at MC for the past couple of weeks, which made her and the staff member, Gastón, really happy, because apparently they've been trying to communicate with each other all this time and couldn't really.  aww.  She has to do this Mother's Day dance (Mother's Day in Bolivia this year is May 27th), and I was explaining to her what the staff members were expecting.  Poor girl... she came to Bolivia from Great Britain with a couple months of on-and-off Spanish classes by a friend of her mom's... and so she's at a pretty basic level.  Unfortunately, I guess she has to get by with a lot of miming, and doesn't get to interact too much with her host family, but she does listen to them speak, I guess.  Today, for instance, I told her what "entonces (then)" meant, after I used it, and she was like, Man, I hear that word a lot... ah, no wonder.  She's starting Spanish classes soon, though, and will be here for another month working with me at MC, so we should have quite a few fun times together, and her Spanish will definitely improve a lot.  And I'm more than happy to be of help translating.

Today, I met a volunteer at this host Mother's Day dinner thing Projects Abroad had, who has basically taken Spanish classes since she was little, and is quite good at Spanish.  She's from the States as well (the second one of the volunteers that I've met, I think. Nearly everyone else (~15 other volunteers) is from a different country, but I think we're getting few more people from the U.S.) During the couple of minutes that we talked before we left the dinner, we both bonded over the fact that people apparently come here with no Spanish skills and that was absolutely mind-boggling to us, and that we were both rather fearful of our own Spanish skills, but that pretty much everyone has told us that our Spanish is really good.  haha.  That's a relief.  But the comparing with other people doesn't make me feel much better, because I still don't feel that adequate in the language.  Oh well--with time, I suppose, things will get better.

I am really cherishing the time I spent in Spanish classes, though, and for the random words that I'm gained over the years.  When I was translating for the girl I work with at MC (her name is Alice), Gastón said "preguntándose (wondering, as in wondering about something)," and I felt like I learned that from this random time in either some random class or some random flipping through the dictionary when I realized that preguntar (to ask, as in a question), had a reflexive form, and it apparently meant "to wonder." I remember thinking, "Oh, that's useful, even though I don't think I've ever heard anyone use it", but I remembered it since it seemed useful to be able to say "to wonder."  And now, it's actually proving to be useful.  =)  Kinda cool how that stuff works out.

Also, I've been learning a few phrases in Quechua, since some of the kids in MC understand Quechua and I think that may have been their first language/they respond to it better.  So I asked Quechua speakers how to say, "Stand up," "Sit down," "I love you (er, the Te quiero version, not the te amo... although I don't know if there's a difference in Quechua, but everyone has responded by translating it as Te quiero)," and "Come here."  One of the staff members at MC also taught me a phrase, which then he told me was a bad word.  I was like, Oh.!  o_O.  Apparently it means "Kiss my a**."
I impressed a host mom at dinner with the Quechua I knew (well, surprised her with that last phrase, lol), and she taught me other phrases, although I only care to learn the ones useful for telling the kids stuff... so I didn't really pay attention when she told me the numbers, or some random phrases.  She then told the volunteers she was hosting how I'd been here for only 8 days and I already knew some Quechua words.  Kind of embarrassing... but the other volunteers seemed interested, which was good, haha.

That makes me reflect on just the usefulness of knowing languages.  I've definitely been grateful for the little bits of Korean that I've memorized or being able to write some of the alphabet when I've met people who were Korean.  They seemed to really enjoy the random Korean I knew, and I can see the same interest I would take if someone knew some phrases in Mandarin Chinese.

I guess these are the times I'm glad I'm a linguistics major, because I can read the articles on these languages and really appreciate/understand what the articles are saying.  And this past year I've been exposed to language grammars, so I have a passing familiarity with what's expected in a language grammar, and I can read them and understand them.  I may not be able to speak the whole language (and the practical side of me stops me from wanting to invest my time in doing so), but knowing such things is nice.

Oh look, this article about Quechua says that "Here's some English words derived from Quechua: coca, condor, guano, gaucho, guanaco, Inca, jerky, lagniappe, lima [bean], llama, pampa, puma, quipu, quinine, quinoa, and vicuña."

Pretty cool.

Also, I just realized that all you blogspoters will know when I'm creeping on your blog because the Bolivia part of your map that says where your visitors are coming from will light up.  lol.

¡Gracias! Excerpts

I've bolded the parts that I thought were a succinctly powerful message for me.  Of course, I enjoyed it all, otherwise I wouldn't have taken the time to type it all out, but the bolded parts are my extra favorites.

Page 16 - 18

"Friday October 30

Today Gerry McCrane, the director of the language school, gave a presentation to newcomers.  In his gentle and pastoral way he offered us an opportunity to share our struggles in adapting ourselves to a new culture.

One theme that came up was the re-emergence of long-forgotten conflicts.  In displacing ourselves into a new and unfamiliar milieu, old, unresolved conflicts often start asking for attention.  When our traditional defense systems no longer are available and we are not able to control our own world, we often find ourselves experiencing again the feelings of childhood.  The inability to express ourselves in words as well as the realization that everyone around us seems to understand life much better than we do, puts us in a situation quite similar to that of a child who has to struggle through a world of adults.

This return to childhood emotions and behavior could be a real opportunity for mental and spiritual growth.  Most of the psychotherapies I have been exposed to were attempts to help me relive those times when immature ways of coping with stress found their origin.  once I could re-encounter the experience that led me to choose a primitive coping device, I was also able to choose a more mature response.  Thus I could let go of behavior that was the source of my suffering.  A good psychotherapist is a person who creates the environment in which such mature behavioral choices can be made.

Going to a different culture, in which I find myself again like a child, can become a true psychotherapeutic opportunity. Not everyone is in the position or has the support to use such an opportunity.  I have seen much self-righteous, condescending, and even offensive behavior by foreigners towards the people in their host country.  Remarks about the laziness, stupidity, and disorganization of Peruvians or Bolivians usually say a lot more about the one who makes such remarks than about Peruvians or Bolivians.  Most of the labels by which we pigeonhole people are ways to cope with our own anxiety and insecurity.  Many people who suddenly find themselves in a totally unfamiliar milieu decide quickly to label that which is strange to them instead of confronting their own fears and vulnerabilities.

But we can also use the new opportunity for our own healing.  When we walk around in a strange milieu, speaking the language haltingly, and feeling out of control and like fools, we can come in touch with a part of ourselves that usually remains hidden behind the thick walls of our defenses.  We can come to experience our basic vulnerability, our need for others, our deep-seated feelings of ignorance and inadequacy, and our fundamental dependency.  Instead of running away from these scary feelings, we can live through them together and learn that our true value as human beings has its seat far beyond our competence and accomplishments.

One of the most rewarding aspects of living in a strange land is the experience of being loved not for what we can do, but for who we are.  When we become aware that our stuttering, failing, vulnerable selves are loved even when we hardly progress, we can let go of our compulsion to prove ourselves and be free to live with others in a fellowship of the weak.  That is true healing.

This psychological perspective on culture shock can open up for us a new understanding of God's grace and our vocation to live graceful lives.  In the presence of God, we are totally naked, broken, sinful, and dependent, and we realize that we can do nothing, absolutely nothing, without him.  When we are willing to confess our true condition, God will embrace us with his love, a love so deep, intimate, and strong that it enables us to make all things new.  I am convinced that, for Christians, culture shock can be an opportunity not only for psychological healing but also for conversion.

What moves me most in reflecting on these opportunities is the they lead us to the heart of ministry and mission.  The more I think about the meaning of living and acting in the name of Christ, the more I realize that what I have to offer to others is not my intelligence, skill, power, influence, or connections, but my own human brokenness through which the love of God can manifest itself.  The celebrant in Leonard Bernstein's Mass says:  "Glass shines brighter when it's broken. . . . I never noticed that."  This, to me, is what ministry and mission are all about.  Ministry is entering with our human brokenness into communion with others and speaking a word of hope.  This hope is not based on any power to solve the problems of those with whom we live, but on the love of God which becomes visible when we let go of our fears of being out of control and enter into his presence in a shared confession of weakness.

This is a hard vocation.  It goes against the grain of our need for self-affirmation, self-fulfillment, and self-realization.  It is a call to true humility.  I, therefore, think that for those who are pulled away from their familiar surroundings and brought into a strange land where they feel again like babies, the Lord offers a unique chance not only for personal conversion but also for an authentic ministry."

Page 18 - 21

Saturday, October 31

"During the last few days, I have been thinking about the significance of gratitude in mission work.  Gratitude is becoming increasingly important for those who want to bring the good news of the Kingdom to others.  For a long time, the predominant attitude of the missioners was that they had to bring the knowledge of the Gospel to poor, ignorant people and thus offer light in their darkness.  In such a view, there is not much room for gratitude.

As the missionary attitude changed, however, and more and more missioners came to see their task as helping others to recognize their own God-given talents, and thus to claim the good news for themselves, gratitude became much more than an occasional "thanks be to God."  Gratitude is the attitude which enables us to receive the hidden gifts of those we want to serve and to make these gifts visible to the community as a source of celebration.

There is little doubt that jealousy, rivalry, anger, and resentment dominate our society much more than gratitude.  most people are afraid to make themselves available to others.  They fear that they will be manipulated and exploited.  They choose the safe way of hiding themselves and thus remaining unnoticed and anonymous.  But in such a milieu of suspicion and fear, no community can develop and no good news can become visible.

True missioners are people who are hunting for the Divine treasure hiding in the heart of the people to whom they want to make the Good News known.  They always expect to see the beauty and truth of God shining through those with whom they live and work.

The great paradox of ministry, therefore, is that we minister above all with our weakness, a weakness that invites us to receive from those to whom we go.  The more in touch we are with our own need for healing and salvation, the more open we are to receive in gratitude what others have to offer us.  The true skill of ministry is to help fearful and often oppressed men and women become aware of their own gifts, by receiving them in gratitude.  In that sense, ministry becomes the skill of active dependency:  willing to be dependent on what others have to give but often do not realize they have.  By receiving in gratitude what we have helped others to discover in themselves, we enable them to claim for themselves full membership in the human and Christian community.  Only those who truly believe that they have something to offer can experience themselves as spiritually adult.  As long as someone feels that he or she is only an object of someone else's generosity, no dialogue, no mutuality, and no authentic community can exist.  

[a fascinating idea of empowering individuals regarding their God-given talents that will be important to keep in mind for CCF]

. . .

Gratitude is not just a psychological disposition, but a virtue.  Gratitude is an intimate participation in the Divine Life itself.  The Spirit of God in us recognizes God in the world.  The eyes and ears by which we can see God in others are in fact spiritual sensitivities that allow us to receive our neighbor as a messenger of God himself.

This theological perspective on gratitude makes it clear why it is so crucial that we pray:  through prayer we become aware of the life of God within us and it is this God within us who allows us to recognize the God among us.  hen we have met our Lord in the silent intimacy of our prayer, then we will also meet him in the campo, in the market, and in the town square.  But when we have not met him in the center of our own hearts, we cannot expect to meet him in the busyness of our daily lives.  Gratitude is God receiving God in and through the human interaction of ministry.  This viewpoint explains why true ministers, true missionaries, are always also contemplatives.  Seeing God in the world and making him visible to each other is the core of ministry as well a the core of the contemplative life."

I realized that Zene is actually Rene.  lol.  Updating his name in all my posts now.  I also found his facebook after creeping on his full name from this book that they use to record donations left at the door.

whatever, i'll add him as a friend.  Although too bad, it says he's interested in women.  =(  I was kind of going to purposely be like, "¿Tienes novio?" wait a bit for his reaction, and then maybe cover it up with, "oh, lo siento, er, tienes novia?" xD

maybe i'll do that anyway.  lol.

Also, his profile picture is nothing special, and I don't really find him that attractive in it.  It really is the gelled, spiked up hair that I find attractive...

Unfortunately, I found out today at MC that he only works in the afternoons (since he has school in the morning... well, except not, since the professors are on strike).  but I can only work in the mornings!  D=  I guess that's more incentive for me to go to MC at 6 p.m. after working at Ciudadela... haha.

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #3

Open two days after the last question

More Thoughts on my First Week

These are really just coincidences, but based on my track record, I apparently like older guys and guys who happen to be shorter than me... although I guess I've liked some taller guys... but they've generally happened to be shorter.  Also, if a guy has shorter hair and spikes it up or puts it into a faux hawky sort of look, I will inevitably find him more attractive.

My newest somewhat of an infatuation is with a guy who's only 22 going to be 23 soon.  Doing much better on ages... but still, this past year has been 28, then 25, then 22.  meh.
His name is Rene (I think... lol) and he works at Maria Cristina.  He's full Aimara, one of the large indigenous populations here, and he knows both Aimara and Quechua, which makes him really cool in my opinion.  He knows all the official languages of Bolivia!  He's been working here for two years and he wants to continue next year, if possible.  That's like really sweet of him... considering the whole nearly 100% turnover rate and nearly everyone else I've talked to having worked there since the beginning of this year.

I went to Ciudadela in the morning yesterday (I think Freddy expected me to come in the afternoon.  Oops!), where wasn't much to do, but I think I'll be working in the afternoon from now on.  It's an orphanage, but for children without disabilities. On the plus side, I guess I do get to practice my Spanish more, perhaps, since I have to be able to speak with the kids and explain math/their homework in Spanish.

In the afternoon, I was the only volunteer today, since the other volunteers went to a nearby town to go sightseeing and I didn't really want to go (they were coming back Sunday, and I wanted to visit a church.  Also I wanted to work, haha).  Even though I was the only one, I loved it.  Here's some things that went down:

--picked up poop with gloves, and i think i earned respect points from the staff, but the poop was my fault, since I kind of let one of the residents walk off by herself in the courtyard as I was wondering and watching this little boy and another taller older resident in a tree, hoping they'd be safe.  Fortunately, Rene was there.  So I walked back to her and saw her squatting on the ground. She was pooping by the time I got there, and I was unsure of what to do... should I even make her wipe herself?  should i make her stop since it's not decent?  Or should i just let her finish because that way she won't get poop all over her clothes?
I kind of tried to call for help, but it was halfhearted because I was embarrassed that I let this happen.

--felt like throwing up a couple of times, but generally only when I was in that room that they put chairs in to stop residents from escaping (some residents will go out and eat random trash, but i guess they still do that in the room, so i dunno how much it helps).  I think the eating trash kind of made me gag a little, along with the constant smell of feces.

--helped lift this gigantic rock to try to fix the sewage, which is backed up in the women's bathroom (so they can't take showers there) and then as five of us were placing it down, there was the awkward, like, oh no, how will we get our fingers/shoes out in time?  And yelling and worry and then the rock slamming to the ground.  But no one was hurt, thankfully.  We all looked up at each other,smiling and probably thinking, "man, we lived!" since no one's feet or fingers got caught to death.

--helped with showering.  Rene is awesome in that he lathers them up all the guys and isn't afraid to get his shirt/pants wet.  I told him I'd help him one day, but then I realized I told Ciudadela, the other orphanage I'm working at, that I'd be there in the afternoons, and thus I'd be too late for showering time.  Crap.  Maybe I'll help him on Sundays.  Or maybe I can get out of Ciudadela at 5?  not sure.

--the staff served this creamy snack that was served outside from a gigantic wok-like thing.  There was one girl who stole a plate from this other girl who is young, really nearsighted, and eats slowly.  I ran after her and took away the plate, trying to explain to her that she shouldn't steal this food.  She then hit the plate up from my hand and spilled the food all over me and the ground outside. Then she kept eating from the ground with all the dirt as I picked up the food, and then she apologized to me (I forgave her and told her it was alright... what else can you do, i guess?).  As I was finishing putting all the food back on the plate, and she was hugging me and apologizing again, she hit the plate from the bottom again and so I picked it up again, and she began pushing me as I was picking up the food, at which I firmly told her to stop pushing me, and would put my arm out to stop her.  Then another resident attacked the girl after I was walking away, and finally some staff members came to discipline her.

When the staff asked me if I wanted any, I declined... partly because I was afraid of getting sick, since people were just reaching into the wok and eating at it with their hands (after people were served, there were no utensils provided, but everyone was more or less content with eating with their hands).  I hoped I didn't seem too stuck-up...

--they still don't have enough spoons, as evidenced by the many people who just ate dinner with their hands.  At least it was some kind of macaroni casserole and reasonable to eat with one's hands.

--getting through to Carlos, who was the one who had the meltdown before by chasing him all around the courtyard.  Maybe I can help stop some meltdowns in the future.

--came back at about 8 p.m. Whoops.  I wanted to stay longer until 7:30 p.m., when the staff leaves (and when Rene leaves...) at which point I'd probably come back at about 8:30 p.m. (well i think it generally takes half an hour, but sometimes it can be hard to catch the correct trufi/I take the wrong one and end up walking more or something), but I didn't tell my host family I'd be back so late so I decided i should try to come back slightly earlier.

--I asked about who comes on the weekends, and the staff switches off who works.  So I asked Rene if he was coming in tomorrow (Saturday).  He said no, but on Sunday he would.

--So then I happened to decide to go to Maria Cristina on Sunday after church/lunch and not on Saturday...  xD

Today, I walked all along Av. Ameridas for a couple hours for the address of this church I wanted to visit, but then I came back and realized that the address was for their actual living location and not for their church.  lol.  But I did also want to just look around Cochabamba and explore.  I realized that the actual church location is even closer to my house, just around where I go to withdraw bolivianos from the ATMs and where a small supermarket is.  It's just like a 10-minute walk!  Yay!  =D

As I was about to go confirm the location, though, I saw that my host mom was meeting with a couple of people from her English class (they've been learning English for 5 months), and I decided to talk with them for a bit.  I ended up staying and just chatting with them in English for a couple hours, and we all enjoyed it a lot.  They said it was really helpful, and set up times for us to meet again (or well, one woman really just wanted me to be there and talk), so we chose Thursday and Saturday... haha.  Although that means that I'll have to leave MC at 6:45ish to make it to their 7:30 p.m. time, since one of them lives quite far away... =\

Then again, Projects Abroad just has required working hours of about 25 hours a week.  With me planning on going to MC in the morning from about 8:30 - 12:30, then Ciudadela from 2:30 - 6, then MC from 6-7:30 (thankfully they are *really* close to each other... like a 3 minute walk or something, so I can do that), every week day and maybe the occasional Saturday or Sunday, I'd be working like 50 hours a week already.  haha, maybe I could take a week off at that rate and go see the Salt Flats.  Then again, I'd probably be too attached/feel too guilty about that and I'd just keep working.


Just went to confirm the location of the church tomorrow, and it turns out that they were having their youth service!  =)  (youth being from 12 - 30s)  I happened to just decide to walk upstairs to the front entrance because I was kinda confused if that was the entrance or if it was somewhere else.  I heard drums being played, so i walked in, but there were black curtains covering a makeshift wall that didn't allow me to see anyone else.  So I just stood by the entrance table and bookshelves and looked at the stuff there, until a guy happened to walk over and we talked for a bit.  His name was Richard, and he had the kind of haircut i like.  bahaha.  Anyway, he introduced me to one of the missionaries working there, an African-American guy from the States, so I talked with him for a while, decided to stay for worship and listen to one of the girls speak.  It was nice. Later, they went to play wallyball, which the one time I've ever played that was at Jackson's house (my Mormon friend).  I decided to go home then since I felt tired and I also didn't have the right shoes.

Loewenstern Fellowship Envelope #2

Open 3 days after your arrival in your host community

On Maria Cristina (Pre-Visit)

So today was mostly an orientation of Projects Abroad, what my placement will be like, and bits of the city that Freddy (the supervisor of the Care portion of Projects Abroad Bolivia) and I walked around to.  Tomorrow I will see Maria Cristina, the orphanage (well, about 98% are orphans, Freddy says) for people with disabilities.  I guess I should ask why they are referred to as niños, because I found out today that the age range is actually from 9 to about 50. I suppose it's because their ages mentally are, according to Freddy, from 0 - 14.  Except wait... some of them I think are just deaf, which means there shouldn't be a cap of 14, unless all the deaf people are under 14... hmm.  Or maybe it's the whole discrimination against those with hearing disabilities and thinking they're much dumber people or something.  But then again, Freddy worked with children with special needs for 12 years before working at Projects Abroad for like 8 years, so he should know quite a bit.

Apparently, Freddy says that my placement is the hardest that they have, and it requires the bravest volunteers.  Freddy told me about how volunteers are all gung-ho about working at Maria Cristina, and then in like 5 minutes they start crying.  I'm not sure if that means they can't handle it and switch placements, or they eventually get through it all.  Interestingly, the blogger I was linking to in my public transportation post also visited an orphanage in Cochabamba, and her experiences are here, specifically,

"One day during the strike, I went to Solomon Klein Orphanage at the suggestion of friends. When I stepped in the door, they asked if I could help and I was put in a room with twenty 3-year-olds and one other adult. One little boy was blind, one had a club foot, one girl was dangerously skinny. All of them were only as clean as a few adults can keep that many filth-loving munchkins.  I only lasted the morning. It was good to be there, as there was clearly a need, but I just kept thinking 'but for the grace of God...' It made me so sad to think that these kids deserve to grow up with as much love as I did, and they won't have that chance. Then it challenged my belief that 'God's love is sufficient,' a belief that should be and is always challenged, but when looking at those kids, was very hard to wrestle out. I feel like a coward for not spending more time with those children. It was something I did not have the strength to do.
This 'volunteering' thing is like using your fingers to stop leaks in a dam. The dam is never gonna be repaired, or even hold, but you can't pull your fingers out once you're personally and physically committed.

The staff apparently do little to no work because they are like out of high school (or less) and have no experience or training.  How they learn to work with the children is purely through working at Maria Cristina.  Initiative apparently needs to be taken on the volunteer's part, which I'm a little apprehensive about... I often feel like creativity is not one of my strong points.

Perhaps creativity isn't needed as much, because the sheer need will be enormous.

The April 2012 newsletter from Projects Abroad has a volunteer writing about her experience in helping with occupational therapy for a month in Maria Cristina.  Here's the tragic account from Tarryn Stott:

"To say the facility is poor is an understatement. When fully staffed they only have four personnel to manage the orphans, one accredited nurse, two nursing students and a social worker. As there is a mixing of genders the staff is often forced to keep the orphans in a single room where they are able to supervise them. The only materials that they have in this room are old, soiled mattresses on the floor, which are where the orphans spend their days sitting or sleeping as they have nothing to stimulate them. Some of the orphans are covered in wounds from fighting with each other, likely I believe for some sort of entertainment. They are unable to provide basic medication for epilepsy so some have fits, and twelve of the orphans are incontinent, however they cannot afford pads for during the day so they often sit in their own defecation. "

There are 57 residents at the orphanage, and the staff (which I forgot to ask how many there are, but I'm guessing like a handful, if that) work from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Then a nurse (or maybe a couple nurses?) generally from the nursing school in Cochabamba comes and watches them throughout the night.  Obviously the nurses are under-equipped as well, being still students likely with little training.

Freddy said that if I want to work both morning and afternoon, I can (which I hope to be able to do), and if I want to stay the night at some point, I can (which I definitely want to do as well).   Tarryn (the volunteer from above) and another volunteer set up an account and have already raised over $8,000 for materials to help entertain and teach the children, which is incredible.  I'm not really interested in raising money... soliciting for things makes me feel quite awkward, as it probably does for many Asians (or well, actually, since the account has been set up already, maybe I can just piggyback onto that).  I do wish I could be as awesome as they are, though.  But maybe I can at least give my time and my love.