Closeness
It’s
when I look at you,
raise
my eyebrows,
and
wait for your smile—
our
own Morse code.
It’s
us sitting across a table,
breathing
the same air.
I
blow bacteria around
and
you don’t flinch.
It’s
our fingers locked,
intertwined
in a mesh of skin,
like
vines weaving a tapestry.
Nature
at its finest.
It’s
when we pray together,
for
ourselves and for the world.
We
know we can’t do anything,
but
at least we can pray.
It’s
us pushing each other
in
a Walmart cart with a faulty wheel.
Asphalt
puffs from the sides,
but
our laughter drowns it out.
It’s
my arms crossed
as
we leave,
but
this time around your shoulder blades,
not
ready to let go.
100th (published) post!
I feel like I should have some reflective thing about my blog or something. Or I should have had some big specialer post for my 100th post. But I don't.
Not sure if I like this poem that much to revise and turn it in for my final portfolio for class... It feels... lacking. Oh well! Feedback/suggestions would be appreciated if you have the time. =)
A couple paragraphs are vaguely inspired by Alvin (namely the second paragraph... poor guy). I happened to come across him in the Duncan PDR and he invited me to study with him, and so here I am "studying." xD
This was beautiful, David! Thank you for sharing =D And best wishes on your finals!
ReplyDelete<3, Med School Girl
Yay another poem! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on the lacking aspect actually. While it has good progression from stanza and really quite pretty metaphors/similes/figurative language... when rereading it, it reads more like prose than poetry.
I think that's the main thing. All these words that you're using, the story that you're telling - why are you putting it into a poem? I could almost see it as an intro to a short story instead. Poetry tells a story, evokes the highs and lows of all feelings, everything a 400 page novel does with just a few words and thoughtfully placed spaces. It has a beginning, middle, and an end - even if it's only 8 lines long.
Your poem is (imo) a beginning and perhaps an end. Or maybe it's just an ending, if you see what I am. It's you zooming into a pinpoint of time and explaining that dot. It's a series of vignettes describing "closeness". Each vignette/stanza doesn't bring any new emotion - it does bring new insight into what the narrator sees as closeness, but that soft, mellow, relaxed emotional taste is consistent throughout the piece. There isn't anything that twinges of another emotion.
We don't see the narrator changing in any form or fashion - emotionally or otherwise. While that's not necessarily bad, and probably not the sole reason it has that "lacking feeling", I think it contributes a large part of the reason.
How any of that can be tweaked... eh.. i mean, it's your poem, so I mean, it's perfectly fine to be satisfied with this because it IS a reflection piece. *shrug. Personally, I'd add a contrast. What closeness is NOT. Maybe. Who knows? Poetry is of the soul, and everyone's have different feathers to fly with.
So that was the overall impression. Onto specific things:
My favorite stanzas were the first and last. You do those very well. It's the middle verses that kind of let the poem eh.. trail for a bit.
I think it's similar to what I was writing above: vignettes. Do those stanzas add anything to your poem? If not, consider removing (I know i know, that's super hard and I hate cutting written portions out. I'd rather just tweak. But sometimes *shrug).
As for the second stanza.... i'd consider choosing a different word than "blow". Sounds intentional, lol. Is it a cough? "I sneeze bacteria at you" iono, blow sounds off to me. But word choice is the author's perogative, so haha :)
Not a big fan of the walmart stanza... seems a little redundant to me except to give a snapshot of a scenario.
So naturally, criticism comes more naturally in a critique, but in the end, I did like this poem. Not a five-star like, but like I said, your poem tastes a little soft, a little mellow. It's a good taste.
Aww, thanks Lucy. =)
ReplyDeleteAnd wow, thanks so much again Karen for the feedback! It's very helpful, and I like that idea of a contrast... I wasn't sure how I should revise this poem, and since the prof wants us to turn in an original and a revised copy, I was kinda worried about the fate of this poem. I'll toy around with it over the next day or so.