Thankfulness

Yes, I know it's past 3 a.m. and I'm waking up in 5 1/2 hours.  DO YOU THINK I CARE?  xD


When I feel like writing, I should.  I know I should.  So here we go.

Christmas party was really good.  I enjoyed it much more than last year, since back then I was kinda reeling from feeling left out.  If you look back at the photos then, you can see me as the awkward sophomore (lol, I wrote junior at first) who is standing between the girls and the guys... everyone has their arms around each other except for me.  I felt intensely lonely during those moments, and posted some status about being drained from the Christmas party on fb.  Karen reached out to me, and we had this ridic long fb message, which was good.

Besides that incident, though, I was still having trouble from coming out to CCF and having little to no talk about being gay and thus feeling rejected from that, having a friendship not work out, and general ugh-ness.

But I am even more thankful for this year's party.  Although today was kinda hectic as I tried to organize rides and get the sandwiches and wrap a few boxes and gifts many many times in addition to our first ASB meeting with our high school students that we're taking and our Christmas party event for Best Buddies.  While the people I invited to come either didn't reply or said "no," God is still sovereign over everything, and it worked out.

We definitely need to do sharing groups every year.
I love interacting with the people in CCF that I don't get to see as often, and my sharing group was pretty awesome.  I had people I have all really enjoyed this year, from Karen L to Ashley to Alvin to Rebecca to Chelsea to David W.

Why I enjoy Karen, Ashley, and Alvin... well, they could each get their own post. Rebecca is understandable since we've shared a couple meals after Step Ahead and that I creep on her blog and she is super supportive of me and so bubbly and adorable.  xD
Chelsea has been really friendly to me since we were in the same retreat group, and I've definitely appreciated that (posting that link about free Yogurtland??  +50 points in my book.  haha, but for more serious matters...).  I don't feel like I've done much for her to be friendly to me, but maybe it is her being supportive of me and being gay?  Since she didn't know until this fall retreat... regardless, I am thankful for it, even if I almost never see her (buuut, we follow each other's tumblrs).  I also echo Alvin's thoughts when it's amazing to see how much she's grown... not that I really knew her much before, but to see how she just became Christian at the end-of-the-year party, and now she has such a focus on God... quite encouraging.
David W... well, we share the same name!  But besides that, his dedication to God is apparent, and it is good to see freshmen who are seeking God.

Of course we ran over time... I actually really wanted to just stay in that group for the rest of the party and talk about our lives.  It was so nice.

People I am thankful for.

• My junior laydaaayyys... xD
• And by junior laydaaayyys, I specifically mean those who have been here since freshman year that I've had more interaction with.  Or basically the 4 with blogspots who follow this blog.  By whom I mean the ones who had those adorb pictures on fb together.  xD  Clear enough?  No? Let me go through what I am thankful for most recently.
• Hannah--I think a lot about the one time earlier this semester when she told me that she's realizing that more people need to, or would really benefit from, knowing someone like me with the struggles I go through (i.e. being gay and celibate).  I have actually referenced what she said to multiple people on multiple occasions, since I felt really appreciated.
• Teresa--she is always awesome, yes?  Her baking and her fundraising for the retreat come to mind, and being willing to visit me with her family is awesome.  =) 
• Stephanie--doing interministry and Thanksgiving and other stuff when I am unavailable/too lazy/not really wanting to send out e-mails... oops.
• Karen--being an example of trying to focus on God and for frequent tumblr/blogspot posting.  =)
• But overall, they are each just such strong examples of godly women.  Like I think of them, and I'm like wow... Powerhouses.  haha.  =)  It is always a nice check for me to talk with them, and they always bring such good insight.  Each of their minds is set on seeking and following God, and seeing the sacrifices that come through that... I really, really am thankful to see others' sacrifices and brokenness for God.  I think most people know that though... I hope it doesn't come across as (or actually is) a sadistic side of me.  =\
• Byung
• I know this may seem random, but I really like Byung!  Hearing his responses as we were in the same retreat group was really nice.  To be honest, I was impressed at what he said, especially coming from just becoming Christian this past summer.  I think he, just like Chelsea, do not come from a Christian home, so they don't have much background in the church (i think... correct me if I'm wrong).  Then when we were having a conversation over Thanksgiving dinner about some questions that a non-Christian was having, I was glad for his input.  And then when we were at Target on Black Friday, we bonded over having played video games and RPGs... it was quite nice.  =)
• I think this just happens to be a coincidence, but I also really like Sean K... and they're both Korean... so maybe it's something about that?  bahaha.  just a thought.
• Alvin
• another time, another post... lol.  It would take too long to explain right now.  Wait for Bromance.
• Kevin
• Teaching Sunday School with him has been a blast... have I already talked about this?  I feel like I have... anyway, doing no-shave November together, just hanging out prepping for Sunday School in his room and having random distractions with Alvin and talking about 1st century culture and theology and eschatology and embarrassing childish website that I probably shouldn't even be mentioning but we may or may not have taken some time to go on said-website and reflect over how fun it was... it's been a blessing to hang out.  Alvin was out studying, but we did wonder if he were there, would he have seriously disapproved?  xD
• My parents and grandma
• This I mentioned at the Christmas party... but just the patience and care they give me.  Really kind.  I don't call back enough, and I get worse and worse every semester with contacting them, it feels.  And yet still they are so happy to have me call, and supportive of me coming out to my church, and they actually had good answers for what I should talk about and seemingly sound Christian theology.  I guess it's surprising because I was never quite sure what their thoughts and beliefs were on many things.
• Miranda
• My fellow co-President!  Who is so on top of things these past couple of months and has basically taken care of everything.
• Jeff!
• Ah, my discipler.  This semester has been really good in terms of discipleship, and probably the most enjoyable semester, and I'm so thankful that Jeff is willing to spend hours upon hours with me, as we go to Starbucks or Yogurtland and chill out and eat/drink.  (Yesss... free refills on iced tea.  xD )  And he's great in being willing to just go to Randall's and letting me window-shop while we can talk about delicious foods and extra dark chocolate and all sorts of fun things.  =)
• There are so many more people, Ann, Susan X, Caleb, Mimi, Jason L., Cecilia... but it is now 4:15 a.m., and I have only 4 1/2 hours to sleep now.  =(  Maybe I shouldn't write every time I want to write... >_<

Granted, I've still been kinda tired of life, and I suppose of CCF as an organization (but obviously not the people, and evidenced above), and I am realizing that I need to dedicate a big portion of my time (maybe the majority of a day?) during this next week to refocus on God.  I don't feel like I need to be poured into by anyone, I just need to get my bearings straight again with God... hmmm, looking back, I kinda felt similarly last year, actually, and it wasn't until retreat that I felt like I had been able to get that time to refocus.

okk, time to sleep.