"God, why are you so good to me.
This. couldn't have happened.  without God.

I can't even.
I don't.

why are you so good to me.  I don't deserve this.

thank You."

these thoughts were running through my head again and again tonight.  Maybe someday far in the future, I'll be able to elaborate more, but tonight was just so... good. So amazing.  One of those, "This couldn't have been a coincidence because, man... it was just what I needed.  It's everything I've ever wanted."

like seriously.  2011 was full of everything I've ever wanted.

And I don't know why God has blessed me so much.  It's just so... not fair.  Some people get nothing.  I don't know why I get it all.
Luke 12:48, then.  "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more."  Certainly, I am willing to give much.  How could I not?

On Being One-Dimensional

So what Alvin told me was that I seemed to make being gay like all that I was.  It was like you could only see one side of me, and that was being gay.  He felt like I put this gay side of me out there, and I just hid behind that side, in the shadows of that person.

Of course, he said that he would never be able to understand how deeply this affects me and he thinks that it should be a large part of my life and that I have blessed the church with my struggles and convictions, and that he doesn't actually think I'm 1D and I'm really quite well-rounded, but it just felt like every time I spoke to CCF, it was about being gay.  Which we both knew it was because there were people who didn't know I was gay and celibate, but I think his point was good.

Am I letting myself be defined by my sexuality?  Where am I placing my identity?

Ah, I remember when I used to ask for prayer about placing my identity in Christ before I ever came out.  And maybe after too?  I can't really remember... but it certainly has dropped to never thinking about my identity in Christ.  I guess I thought I had it all figured out.

Wrong.


I do have a better idea of what that means, having one's identity in Christ--it begins with preaching the Gospel... not to others, but to myself.  Of Jesus' sacrifice for our lives and how much we are worth because of Him and His resurrection.

I remember Miranda telling me that she felt like I was obsessing over my LPAP instructor, and I told her that I didn't think I was.  I mean, I may make a blog post about him every once in a while, but he's not someone who is constantly on my mind.  Or really, he is rarely on my mind (except of course, during class).

I didn't bring this up at the time... I started to, but then I couldn't finish.
But I think I talk about how attractive I found him and how great he was because I am still trying to accept being gay and having these attractions.  I talk about them--perhaps objectively or subjectively, in an excessive manner--because I want to kind of normalize this behavior for myself.  Like maybe if I talk about it more, I will force myself into accepting it and life will be better.

How do I deal with my physical feelings?  I don't think suppression is healthy.  So is it just thinking about them less and focusing more on Christ?

That sounds like a great, unattractive Sunday School answer.  But sometimes those are what one needs to accept.  I think what Alvin said did call into attention what Miranda had indirectly brought up.  I told him about my thoughts on maybe overcompensating how much I talk about homosexuality because I still have trouble accepting myself.

Funny.  That day, I was like, "Dang, shouldn't I be past having to accept myself?  Shouldn't I have been there, done that already?"  People practically take me for being the expert in this, and I'm still floundering.

Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to have the answers.  Unfortunately, I don't.  Heck, I started coming out less than two years ago... of course I'm still gonna be a baby in my understanding and theology of this. but God has definitely provided.  Thankfully, Wesley Hill, Eve Tushnet, and many other gay Christian blogs are helping me in reviewing and revising what I believe and what I think about Christianity and homosexuality.

I used to have this constant fear/anger that people would think I would be talking about homosexuality too much and that I shouldn't bring it up that much.  I lost that fear, but I wonder if I should be having a healthy fear in the sense of checking where I'm at.

So how often should I be portraying myself as the gay Christian?  I want to say until everyone knows that there are gay Christians out there, there are people like me, but I dunno.  Some have told me there is a time and a place to come out, and I think that's true.  Have I been doing it too often or talking about being gay too often?  Hmm.  maybe.  I've found that I can sometimes wrongly blame being gay for various things.  Like I wrote on my tumblr once, "sometimes I find myself wrongly blaming being gay for all sorts of things. The need for relationships, the confusing loneliness, the disappointment, the short-temperedness, the sadness… all of those problems I sometimes want to say that I feel that way because I’m gay, when in actuality, it is really some sin, some other mindset that I can control that is causing me to feel those things.  But I end up feeling like it’s something I can’t help but do. Consequently, being gay can become something I hide behind… ugh, so tricky."

Perhaps it's more that Alvin would like me to share about the other struggles/sin in my life... which I believe would be good.  Or I thought I tried to, for the most part, but there is definitely more I could bring up, now that I think about it.

In any case, though, I realized that I was far from God for not really being able to accept myself and for my other struggles with lust.  Still working on both of those things, but I'd say they appear to not be going too badly.  Maybe I'm still on a high from feeling God's love from the gay Christian tumblr explosion that went on a few hours ago, blowing up my dashboard with new followers, new tumblrs to follow, likes, and reblogs, or a high from this morning's sharing and how wonderfully that went, or from organizing friend meet-ups.

I still need to read more and focus more on God... and dang, it's already 2:30 a.m...  But yeah, I just wanted to put down what had kinda been going on with all of that, as I promised elaboration, and Karen pointed out that I never gave it.  xD

I made an "All the Things" meme for tonight

cause one of the people i follow

made tumblr blow up

with gay Christianity.

And now it's racking up notes.

Hurry,

while it's still relevant.

LULZ.  GUISE.  I FEEL SO POPULAR RIGHT NAO.

It went well.  Thanks so much for all the prayers and support, guys! They undoubtedly helped, and were answered all nice and positively by God.  =)

I didn't think they'd take it poorly, but I did have this scenario in my head where I would be in tears and publish some post just saying, "It was bad.  Can't talk about it right now... need time to recover."  or something awful like that.  But it wasn't like that at all, and having that juxtaposition between what could have happened and what did happen makes me all the more grateful to God.

Here's what one of my youth members fb messaged me after,

"Just letting you know that my thoughts towards you have not been changed at all. Actually, that's a lie. After you came out to us today, I have mounds more respect for you. I'm really proud and happy of your decision to stay single and celibate. 

You, my friend, have earned your spot on my list of role models. "

Awww... =' ) So sweet.

The girl is actually in 10th grade... thinking about it, she could've actually been one of my campers at Impact!  haha.  It's weird to see my youth group members who are in 9th grade and also thinking about how they could be in Kevin and my Sunday School class.  lol.

Two of my close friends were really excited that I came out.  One of them is a freshman at Eastman School of Music (the #1 music school in the nation!  dangggg), and claims that 70% of the guys there are gay... he was actually fairly homophobic in the past, but he said he's a lot better now and has learned so much from this semester from hanging out with all his friends.  He was saying how it was kinda like he was ready to handle this now.  haha.

The other friend, who's the sister of that freshman, was saying that now she can say that she has a gay friend who is Christian, as a lot of her friends said they were still hung up about homosexuality as it relates to Christianity.

It is so nice being open with everyone, and being able to talk about the areas in my life pertaining to me being gay.  After church, as we were all hanging out in the sanctuary talking, it felt really good.  I was actually pretty thankful to be gay and experience these feelings of acceptance and a genuine desire to get to know me and what I've been going through.  It was scarier, coming out to people who have known you for most of your life.  But it was definitely so much more rewarding.  After coming out, I wasn't shaking like I was after I came out to all the youth's families during that one dinner in the middle of babysitting.  Also, our pastor's son asked if we could all pray for me, and that was really nice.  =)

awww, and one of my other youth members (sophomore in college) just fb messaged me this,

"Hey David!

I didn't tell you after church today, but thanks for sharing your testimony and coming out to the whole youth group! It was incredibly brave and really encouraging. I'll definitely keep you in my prayers because it must have been and probably is currently a difficult journey. I hope that no one in youth group or any person you meet will treat you differently when you tell them, but if it helps, I have always looked up to you and will continue to. I've always considered you somewhat of an expert on theology and the Bible--I think most of the youth group always has. Little consolation, I know, but I thought I might tell you now. Yeah, but thanks again. I know that God will continue to use you in any way he can to glorify his name."

Yay!  I hope they don't mind me posting all these messages... lol...  hmmm, maybe since I'll be giving them my blog address, I might need to not post so many details... >_<

Nine hours and they'll all know.

I decided to make my coming out to my home church more of a low-key, have whoever wants to share  about their lives from college talk about what they've learned, how God has been working in their lives, what God has placed on their heart, etc.  Inspired by our last impromptu junior hangout and Hannah's crafting of that e-mail.  I think it'll be good, in part because I didn't have to prepare some long message, and also because I don't want me coming out to just be about me and my experiences, and also since I get to hear what other people have been learning/experiencing from God.

Some interesting things, or just chronicling recent events in my life so far.

• Plane ride from Houston to Seattle
• sat by a Christian guy and his daughter (noticed I was reading Ecclesiastes and commented on it, and then I saw he was wearing some Christian Athlete association/organization jacket)
• Plane ride from Seattle to Pasco (Tri-Cities)
• sat by a girl who told me about her girlfriend
• On the Greyhound from Pasco to Seattle
• pretty sure the two guys who sat behind me were gay.  Hardcore tried to eavesdrop on them whenever they were talking.
• Came out to my best friend from middle/high school, who's in Seattle and won't be there on Sunday when I speak.
• Went well, he was supportive and encouraging.
• Sat at Shari's (kinda like the equivalent of a House of Pies) with my youth group members on Friday (last night)
• At one point, one person brought up that venn diagram of Nice, Handsome, and Smart guys, where the overlapping of all three parts is Gay.
• During that convo, I'm pretty sure I was like, "Well, you know, some of us just get all the luck.  ;)"  but it was kind of purposely when no one was paying attention to me.
• Wanted to ask if that meant that if you were gay, does that mean you are automatically nice, handsome, and smart?  ;D
• At our Christmas Eve church potluck tonight
• After one of my youth group asked about how the talk about gay marriage went, since she was still in college, someone else in my youth group (another college freshman) mentioned that we just don't know enough.
• I asked, "Don't know enough about what?"
• She responded like about being gay, since she wasn't gay after all.  Obviously she assumed I wasn't.  haha.
• I felt like saying, "Actually, I know a lot about that."  haha.  or maybe I should have said, "Well, speak for yourself!"
• It'll be interesting to see how they react tomorrow.
• Other stuff
• At my friend's Christmas Eve party after the potluck
• Came out to her, since she may not be there tomorrow morning at church as her family is off shopping.  That also went well, and she was supportive; we scheduled a breakfast to talk about it and other stuff more.  =)

Oh hey, just looked up Bill Henson's blog again, billhenson.blogspot.com

Saw that HCC got a shout-out!

"One of the most exciting events of 2011 was our Posture Shift seminar at Houston Chinese Church (HCC) in Houston, TX. Homosexuality can be a difficult topic for many ethnic churches. However, our changing culture is driving a much higher need for these churches to get equipped. We saw this rise occur in 2011.

The HCC pastoral team courageously invited their congregation and area Chinese pastors. Over 150 people attended. Near the end, Pastor F. invited young adults who struggle with sexuality and gender to privately meet with us. He said he wanted them to know they have spiritual support in their home church. Several young men responded and opened their hearts to “their” pastor. HCC deserves top honors for “living out” the Posture Shift teaching."

I was part of "several young men."  lol--yay!

*follow ALL the gay Christian tumblrs!*  (mostly the ones trying to be celibate from same-sex relationships like me, for added support)

I've kinda felt that way these past couple of weeks, haha.  It has been really good, though, reading their posts and having some dialogue with a few of them.  =)  I've noticed that tumblr lends itself a lot more to outreach, as most people who read my blogspot are likely to be my close friends, and tumblr feeds on reblogs and different categories.  For instance, I wondered why it was that some of the tumblrs I read get all these questions from other random people, and I think it's probably because they use tags.  So maybe I'll start doing that if I want an influx of news about what I write.

I did get a couple of questions, which I tried to answer, and freedchristian.tumblr.com replied that I had a really good reply!  =D  I felt honored.

Anyway, I realized some important things just now, which I wrote about on my tumblr.  Here's the recreated post:

"My goal isn't to be straight;

it's to be holy... no matter what my orientation.
I credit Bev for pointing me to Christopher Yuan's blog right after Urbana '09, which I think in many ways prepared me to come out to my first person that March.
After reading some of freedchristian's responses about reorientation (i.e. going from one sexual orientation to another orientation) and such, I felt a slight uneasiness about the whole idea of becoming straight.  I wasn't quite sure why, so I didn't bring it up to him.
But I thought about Christopher Yuan's blog just now, looked it up, and found this post. (Seriously, go read his blog.  It's a gold mine of information that brought me a lot of comfort back in Jan '10.  And it is still so applicable, especially as I get ready to come out to my church and educate them about homosexuality on Sunday.) In it, Yuan states that
"The major misconception within the Church is that heterosexuality is what is normal and that this is what God has ordained. But when we look in Scripture, there are about seven times more references to adultery, fornication and lust - all sins associated with heterosexuality - when compared to homosexuality. Now I'm not trying to justify homosexuality but I'm just proving a point that neither homosexuality or heterosexuality should be the goal for any Christian. Heterosexuality is too broad encompassing adultery, fornication and lust (which are all sins).

The goal for all Christians should be HOLY SEXUALITY.

God has clearly set out what holy sexuality means. God gives us two options for holy sexuality: if we are single, then abstinence and if we are married, then faithfulness (and God has very clearly proscribed marriage to be with a man and a woman).

Therefore, my goal has never been to become straight. Because if I become straight, then I would begin lusting after women (which is a sin) and I would still have to focus on holy sexuality. My goal is holiness."

This explains why I have resisted praying or really caring for my orientation to change/for my same-sex attractions to go away.  I thought it was because I just liked being unique and I liked having this important message that I felt God gave me to bridge gaps and educate people with.  While both these reasons probably still play a large part, I think it's more that I am influenced by Yuan's logic and thoughts.  It likely has also helped in accepting myself and the fact that this is just the cross I have to bear. After all, if you take out society's influence and the painful degradation of those with same-sex attractions, any person who has sexual feelings has similar crosses to bear.
I also think his ideas are important to pay attention to when talking with those who are not straight, whether they be Christian or not. This also plays into the question of fluid sexuality, or what one's orientation means in general. The truth is, it all really doesn't matter. The point isn't to ask people to focus on getting rid of their physical same-sex attractions; it's to ask people to be holy in the midst of them."

Found out my mom worked at a buffet when she was pregnant with me.

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

Home

Mixed feelings, as always.  But it's still good to be back.  It doesn't really feel like I've been away for that long, actually.

Finally got to start on my baking adventures this winter break!  I had a bunch of bookmarked sites and I went to three different grocery stores with my family today to try to buy all the ingredients necessary.

• Made this buttermilk pound cake which has been promisingly good.  Apparently it's best at least a day after baking, but i decided to eat some anyway, and it was not bad.

• Also made some peppermint macarons with peppermint buttercream frosting.
• The frosting is REALLY good.  Like really, really good.  As the author states, "This might be the single best frosting I have ever tasted."  My mouth continues to ache for more long after I've had some.
• Of course, with 2 sticks of butter and 5 cups of powdered sugar, it shouldn't really come as a surprise that it's delicious.  >_<
• So maybe my mouth doesn't ache that much after I realize how much craziness went into it.  -_-
• Props to Teresa for sharing this macaron recipe with me--I took this strawberry one and just used the peppermint extract I bought for the buttercream frosting to make it peppermint macarons (I was too lazy/didn't care enough about strawberry to look for strawberry flavoring).  My mom even happened to have green food coloring (i was just gonna keep them white, but then I asked, and she surprisingly had some.  She hates artificial coloring, but I imagine she's had this probably for years and years.)
• Found out that wax paper is not the same as parchment paper.  I thought it might be, even though they were obviously different names.  I guess the "Make Baking Easier!" was actually supposed to indicate that you would use the wax paper for all purposes except actually baking them in the oven.  whoops.  Thankfully, the wax didn't melt like other peoples' had, but the macarons had sadly and hopelessly stuck to the wax paper.  I just scraped them off, threw on a dollop of frosting, and heck, the taste profile's the same, right?  Even if they're not as cute and pretty as real macarons.
• Also, I didn't have a pipettor thing, so I used a spoon.  This created macaron halves that were monstrously larger than your normal halves.
• Overall, I grant myself a relative success for my first macaron experience!  =D  They even had that nice little layer on the bottom half that kinda reminds me of lettuce on a burger... if that makes sense.  So proud of myself.  (well, I'd be prouder if it actually turned out to look like real macarons, but whatever.)  
• The electric mixer (found out my home's stand mixer is a Professional 500 kitchen aid!  I thought my mom just bought a Classic way back when, but she said that she decided to just spend some extra money in buying a good one.  =)  )  was obviously a huge help in whisking those egg whites.  And grinding the almonds to make almond flour was kinda annoying, but it turned out ok.
• I know... pics or it didn't happen.  Whatever.  =P
• I may end up making these in the future at WRC... they do have a blender and a stand mixer!

Now on to more serious things...

I have been far from God.  I think after analyzing my heart from doing devotions and talking with Alvin, that's clear.  

Alvin and my last accountability on Tuesday made me feel like crap... but it was the good feeling of feeling like crap.  Conviction with the hope of change.

the gist:

At the end, he brought up how one-dimensional I seemed this semester (or really, most of the time he's known me...?  I think that was what he also said), and didn't really feel like he got to know me.  Ugh.  Not what you want to hear from someone who's supposed to be getting to know you well.  (although maybe this means we need to hang out/talk more, Alvin?  xP  of course I'm always down for that.)

I felt like a failure, was rather shocked, and could only muster a... "I'm sad that you think I'm one-dimensional."

Wow, that sounds extra lame now that I type that out, but in context it was slightly better.  Maybe. Perhaps if you imagine me saying it, it's less lame.

I was glad that he brought it up, though.  I will definitely be elaborating later (it's 4 a.m. now, but that's mostly because I didn't realize the macarons needed to sit at room temperature for 2-3 hrs. before baking into the oven, and I'd finished putting them on the wax paper at like 11:30 p.m.), but Alvin did give me some stuff to think about, as well as confirmation of what I'd been feeling and what another person had pointed out to me.  Was/am super grateful to have Alvin in my life and for him to speak truth into my life as best he could.

Thankfully, this winter break I plan on spending much time getting back on track.  No excuses.

Workshop Poem #2

Getting My Hands Dirty

3:30 A.M.

I eyed this place

on my way to dinner.

People come in from all over,

do their business,  

and leave.  I can’t blame them;

I’m just like 'em:

stand mixers kind of

turn me on too.

This first time, though,

it was your blender that got me,

chopping bits of chocolate

better than anyone I’d ever known.

I took the pieces and

melted them in a bowl over boiling water.

The aroma was strong,

almost overpowering,

but I would long for it for weeks.

Seven hours there

and I was like the crumbs,

fused to the baking pans.

12:15 A.M.

I went again,

right after clocking out from classes.

It was too early. 

As I hand-grated

three cups of carrots,

people would barge in.

Can’t they see we’re busy here?

Why can’t they microwave their food somewhere else?

I brushed them away

like the flies that prey on our children.

But later, I shared our carrot cake babies

with them, and I think they were

more than glad to have given us

some alone time.

                                                                  

8:20 A.M.

It’s never a walk of shame

            when I visit or leave you.

And no, I don’t care about all the other people

            you’ve been with.

I’ll bring you gifts every time I see you.

Let me pack your frosty racks with them.

People think I’m cheating on someone with you,

but no one beeps at me like you do.

I just tell them you’re the best equipped—

but you know I love you for you.

After all, together we make

the most delicious gingersnaps.  

I kind of really want to reply-all with, "GAIZ. GAIZ. I'M GAY."

I saw in an e-mail that my youth group back home is having a discussion about gay marriage and a variety of other topics this Friday. Here are a few of the questions they’re asking:

“Do you know anyone at school or other places who are homosexual? Do you have any friends that are? What would you do if someone who is homosexual comes to one of our youth activities?” 

WELP.  At least one person has/had been coming for years.

(I really feel like typing “LOLOLOLOL”  but it doesn’t quite feel appropriate. Suffice it to say that I find this really amusing and I’m obviously intensely curious to see what people will have to say.  Oh, God, You’re so funny to time everything this way.  xD)

They’re actually splitting this night into two nights, and I’ll be back in time for the second night.  And then a week later, on Christmas, I plan on coming out to the youth group.  Or maybe i’ll do it that Friday I'm back.

Hmm.

Talk about the perfect chance for real-life application to those questions.  lol.

a poem I wrote tonight

Closeness

It’s when I look at you,

raise my eyebrows,

and wait for your smile—

our own Morse code.

It’s us sitting across a table,

breathing the same air.

I blow bacteria around

and you don’t flinch.

It’s our fingers locked,

intertwined in a mesh of skin,

like vines weaving a tapestry.

Nature at its finest.

It’s when we pray together,

for ourselves and for the world.

We know we can’t do anything,

but at least we can pray.

It’s us pushing each other

in a Walmart cart with a faulty wheel.

Asphalt puffs from the sides,

but our laughter drowns it out.

It’s my arms crossed

as we leave,

but this time around your shoulder blades,

not ready to let go.

could. not. resist.

This is seriously what I wrote for my eval for Cardio Kickboxing:


"I really enjoyed working out and having fun through kickboxing.  I saw a great improvement in my health.

And the instructor, Larry, is really attractive.  That always helps.  ;)  I was thinking about dropping the class since it was during a pretty inconvenient time, but I decided to stay because it helped me get in better shape and Larry is one hot piece of Latino goodness.  mm-MMM!"

I couldn't help but laugh after I wrote that last part.  my goodness, i'm ridiculous.

And for the instructor eval:

"Larry, you SO fine.  And you're great at inspiring the class with additional options to our kickboxing moves.

I just wish you smiled more.  You're so cute when you smile."

Esther evals are anon, right?

...right?  Dx


Anyway, hope that cheered you guys up during this stressful finals time!  =)

Thankfulness

Yes, I know it's past 3 a.m. and I'm waking up in 5 1/2 hours.  DO YOU THINK I CARE?  xD


When I feel like writing, I should.  I know I should.  So here we go.

Christmas party was really good.  I enjoyed it much more than last year, since back then I was kinda reeling from feeling left out.  If you look back at the photos then, you can see me as the awkward sophomore (lol, I wrote junior at first) who is standing between the girls and the guys... everyone has their arms around each other except for me.  I felt intensely lonely during those moments, and posted some status about being drained from the Christmas party on fb.  Karen reached out to me, and we had this ridic long fb message, which was good.

Besides that incident, though, I was still having trouble from coming out to CCF and having little to no talk about being gay and thus feeling rejected from that, having a friendship not work out, and general ugh-ness.

But I am even more thankful for this year's party.  Although today was kinda hectic as I tried to organize rides and get the sandwiches and wrap a few boxes and gifts many many times in addition to our first ASB meeting with our high school students that we're taking and our Christmas party event for Best Buddies.  While the people I invited to come either didn't reply or said "no," God is still sovereign over everything, and it worked out.

We definitely need to do sharing groups every year.
I love interacting with the people in CCF that I don't get to see as often, and my sharing group was pretty awesome.  I had people I have all really enjoyed this year, from Karen L to Ashley to Alvin to Rebecca to Chelsea to David W.

Why I enjoy Karen, Ashley, and Alvin... well, they could each get their own post. Rebecca is understandable since we've shared a couple meals after Step Ahead and that I creep on her blog and she is super supportive of me and so bubbly and adorable.  xD
Chelsea has been really friendly to me since we were in the same retreat group, and I've definitely appreciated that (posting that link about free Yogurtland??  +50 points in my book.  haha, but for more serious matters...).  I don't feel like I've done much for her to be friendly to me, but maybe it is her being supportive of me and being gay?  Since she didn't know until this fall retreat... regardless, I am thankful for it, even if I almost never see her (buuut, we follow each other's tumblrs).  I also echo Alvin's thoughts when it's amazing to see how much she's grown... not that I really knew her much before, but to see how she just became Christian at the end-of-the-year party, and now she has such a focus on God... quite encouraging.
David W... well, we share the same name!  But besides that, his dedication to God is apparent, and it is good to see freshmen who are seeking God.

Of course we ran over time... I actually really wanted to just stay in that group for the rest of the party and talk about our lives.  It was so nice.

People I am thankful for.

• My junior laydaaayyys... xD
• And by junior laydaaayyys, I specifically mean those who have been here since freshman year that I've had more interaction with.  Or basically the 4 with blogspots who follow this blog.  By whom I mean the ones who had those adorb pictures on fb together.  xD  Clear enough?  No? Let me go through what I am thankful for most recently.
• Hannah--I think a lot about the one time earlier this semester when she told me that she's realizing that more people need to, or would really benefit from, knowing someone like me with the struggles I go through (i.e. being gay and celibate).  I have actually referenced what she said to multiple people on multiple occasions, since I felt really appreciated.
• Teresa--she is always awesome, yes?  Her baking and her fundraising for the retreat come to mind, and being willing to visit me with her family is awesome.  =) 
• Stephanie--doing interministry and Thanksgiving and other stuff when I am unavailable/too lazy/not really wanting to send out e-mails... oops.
• Karen--being an example of trying to focus on God and for frequent tumblr/blogspot posting.  =)
• But overall, they are each just such strong examples of godly women.  Like I think of them, and I'm like wow... Powerhouses.  haha.  =)  It is always a nice check for me to talk with them, and they always bring such good insight.  Each of their minds is set on seeking and following God, and seeing the sacrifices that come through that... I really, really am thankful to see others' sacrifices and brokenness for God.  I think most people know that though... I hope it doesn't come across as (or actually is) a sadistic side of me.  =\
• Byung
• I know this may seem random, but I really like Byung!  Hearing his responses as we were in the same retreat group was really nice.  To be honest, I was impressed at what he said, especially coming from just becoming Christian this past summer.  I think he, just like Chelsea, do not come from a Christian home, so they don't have much background in the church (i think... correct me if I'm wrong).  Then when we were having a conversation over Thanksgiving dinner about some questions that a non-Christian was having, I was glad for his input.  And then when we were at Target on Black Friday, we bonded over having played video games and RPGs... it was quite nice.  =)
• I think this just happens to be a coincidence, but I also really like Sean K... and they're both Korean... so maybe it's something about that?  bahaha.  just a thought.
• Alvin
• another time, another post... lol.  It would take too long to explain right now.  Wait for Bromance.
• Kevin
• Teaching Sunday School with him has been a blast... have I already talked about this?  I feel like I have... anyway, doing no-shave November together, just hanging out prepping for Sunday School in his room and having random distractions with Alvin and talking about 1st century culture and theology and eschatology and embarrassing childish website that I probably shouldn't even be mentioning but we may or may not have taken some time to go on said-website and reflect over how fun it was... it's been a blessing to hang out.  Alvin was out studying, but we did wonder if he were there, would he have seriously disapproved?  xD
• My parents and grandma
• This I mentioned at the Christmas party... but just the patience and care they give me.  Really kind.  I don't call back enough, and I get worse and worse every semester with contacting them, it feels.  And yet still they are so happy to have me call, and supportive of me coming out to my church, and they actually had good answers for what I should talk about and seemingly sound Christian theology.  I guess it's surprising because I was never quite sure what their thoughts and beliefs were on many things.
• Miranda
• My fellow co-President!  Who is so on top of things these past couple of months and has basically taken care of everything.
• Jeff!
• Ah, my discipler.  This semester has been really good in terms of discipleship, and probably the most enjoyable semester, and I'm so thankful that Jeff is willing to spend hours upon hours with me, as we go to Starbucks or Yogurtland and chill out and eat/drink.  (Yesss... free refills on iced tea.  xD )  And he's great in being willing to just go to Randall's and letting me window-shop while we can talk about delicious foods and extra dark chocolate and all sorts of fun things.  =)
• There are so many more people, Ann, Susan X, Caleb, Mimi, Jason L., Cecilia... but it is now 4:15 a.m., and I have only 4 1/2 hours to sleep now.  =(  Maybe I shouldn't write every time I want to write... >_<

Granted, I've still been kinda tired of life, and I suppose of CCF as an organization (but obviously not the people, and evidenced above), and I am realizing that I need to dedicate a big portion of my time (maybe the majority of a day?) during this next week to refocus on God.  I don't feel like I need to be poured into by anyone, I just need to get my bearings straight again with God... hmmm, looking back, I kinda felt similarly last year, actually, and it wasn't until retreat that I felt like I had been able to get that time to refocus.

okk, time to sleep.

I started writing a post for Bromance, but then it got really long-winded and twisty and I had a cell bio test the next day and... well, it'll take a while to finish up.

To put down some of my thoughts that have been swimming in my head,

• I am starting to feel homesick.  But less so for my family (although if I dwell on them, I do start to feel a little homesick for them), and actually more so for my family's kitchen.  For my mom's stand mixer (xD).  For the ability to try out all these recipes I've gathered in the past month and bake.  To be able to take that 5-minute walk to the Albertson's (a grocery store approximately equal to Kroger or Randall's) and window shop and buy whatever ingredients I want.

• I am tempted to leave my hair and beard on until I go home.  Man, that would disturb my family.  xD  Last year I came out to them, and now this year I came back with a... beard?!?  What craziness will happen next year??

• Sooo many books to read.  I can't wait to roll up my sleeves and delve into N.T. Wright and Tim Keller.

• Christmas.  12/25/11.  That's the projected date for when I'll come out to my church's English worship service.  Apparently my home church is not have Christmas service on Christmas Day.  haha.  Rom 12:2, right?  xD
• Still not sure what I'm gonna say.  I'm thinking an overview of what I've learned through college about God/Christianity/life?  Maybe I can grab the other college kids and we can all share our experiences. 

• I am failing at keeping myself pure.  I'm finding difficulty bringing myself to care.  This could be a whole 'nother future post.  I'm currently rationalizing all my actions on the stress of the last couple weeks of school.  Briefly, however,

"But as important as sexual sin is, it is not the most important sin. The real root of sin is pride . . .

And it is pride that resists the recognition that I am a sinner. If guilt recognizes that I have acted in a way inconsistent with the image of God in me, pride says that God must be made in the image of my acts and desires. Guilt hurts because when I feel guilty, the axe is being laid to the very roots of my sinful nature: my proud assertion that I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul, that I, and not God’s law, will determine what is right for me.

Christ said that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and simply to recognize God’s law, even if I fail completely to obey it, divides the deadly sins against themselves within my heart. Because as soon as I admit that chastity is good, every sexual sin strikes a blow at my pride, my delusion of my own righteousness. Even if I make no progress in chastity, the repeated acknowledgement of my failure, leads to an ever-deepening humility, and the recognition that my salvation can only come from God."

(http://www.cityofgod.net/speech/georgetown.htm)

• December 1st and December 1st only.  YOGURTLAND WILL HAVE AN EGGNOG FLAVOR??  Must. Eat.

• I realize I didn't write anything about all the things/people I'm thankful for!  This should also be forthcoming.  >_<

Workshop Poem #1 for Class

Bromance

“They’re like brothers,” she noted,

her eyes crinkling 

and her dimple floating to the surface.

Her smile was like that of a mother,

watching her giggling babies

rolling on the floor. 

I merely listened.

We sat with our legs crossed,

observing our friends

from a bench behind the pool table.

The two had abandoned their game

and began fighting to the left,

wrestling and snapping like puppies

over God-knows-what.

Actually, I knew:

it was probably over billiards.

One accused the other of “cheap shots”

and with a grin, pushed and pulled

at the other’s clothes.

They tussled into a corner.

I looked away.

I had to look away. I had only her,

and her words were neurons firing

bullets in my head.

What was being brothers like?

Their own exclusive relationship, I guessed. 

I could hear muffled yelps from the alcove

but I couldn’t see them anymore.

Instead, I gazed at the leftover pool balls,

islands that washed up against the walls

and against each other.

I stood up and threw them 

across the green sea,

and they clicked into their caves

where their roommates were waiting.

“Yeah, they are like brothers,” I responded.

One ball was left on the side of the table. 

“Brothers,” my thoughts repeated. 

I pushed it to a corner

and heard it clink. At least pool balls

always had room for one more.

-----

Weddings, Children, and Consumption

"The way that young Protestant couples plan their weddings bodes very ill for the kind of family they are hoping to become. You watch what a wedding is often about these days — it is about displaying one’s wealth to those one is eager to impress. If you think instead about the scriptural wedding itself, about being the open banquet that one hopes one’s marriage will be, I think weddings would look a lot different than they do. I think they would be on a Sunday morning service where everyone is invited. I think they would look more like a potluck than the kind of catered extravagances toward which even the middle class is climbing. I think the image of the banquet where the blind and the lame are invited, and those who cannot repay us, that image would be one in which to start a marriage."

~Amy Laura Hall

Definitely some good thoughts.  I hope to someday have this kind of wedding.
And I kinda wish all weddings were so open like this!  I love attending them, and I think the above paints such an incredible picture.  So counter-cultural.  That's what Christians are supposed to be, right (at least especially in this very good sense of this example)?


My other favorite part from this interview:

"TOJ: Is it wrong then to even have the approach that I shouldn’t have as many kids because then I could then be more hospitable toward those children who need good parents, who need resources…?

ALH: So are you asking should you use contraception and adopt children? Or use contraception so you could give more money to your church and tithe?

TOJ: Well I guess I am asking both of those things, but those both seem somewhat a-moral now that they have been articulated…

ALH: (laughs) Well its not that those questions are obscene, but even as you ask such questions to be troubled by them, I think is to be asking the right sorts of questions. When you ask as you also simultaneously think, “ah is that the right question to ask”… that’s the right question to ask. To ask whether or not that is the right question to ask is already doing so much more than most young couples are doing when they are thinking about having children. What they’re thinking about when they are having children is crafted not by their faith but by the book, What to Expect When You’re Expecting. They’re going to stick with all the rules in What To Expect To When You’re Expecting, because What To Expect When You’re Expecting tells you that if you adhere to these rules you will have a child of the promise. That’s why their little tiny section at the back of the book about the unexpected, or unanticipated child with disabilities comes as such a jarring little section. Up until that point you have been reading that if you do all of these things right, you will not have the “dreaded” child, the child that is unexpected.

So what you usually have couples doing is buying these books and trying to anticipate all that they can do so that they can have a beautiful and flourishing child by all the definitions that we perceive in our society to describe a beautiful and flourishing child. That will continue your beautiful image of your flourishing beautiful family. And so even to ask questions about what images one has in view for having children goes a long way towards being more faithful. Just asking questions, why, why do you want to have kids? What do we have children for? A Mennonite colleague asked that right to my face at a conference — that we need to ask what are children for. He explained to the group that, in the Mennonite tradition, children are born for martyrdom. (And at that point I was thinking, that’s why you’re a Mennonite and I’m not.) But, to even say that, to witness that in the Mennonite tradition you have children so that they can bring witness in a cruciform way to Christ’s love, that’s a whole different set of questions than the questions mainline Evangelicals usually ask.

TOJ: The question of, “what are children for”, is this idea to have a perfect child, and to have the child in a very controlled way, to give this child everything that he or she needs and to give the child every advantage possible… is there kind of an approach to children in this country that seems Savior-esque, with this objectification does there also come a kind of idolatry of children?

ALH: Yeah, it’s a pretty surreal, Gnostic idolatry though. You get this image of a kind of disembodied child that you want. Look at the Ann Geddes pictures, an image of a child as pumpkin, or a child as flower: the baby as the commodity you get to consume or pluck and put in your vase, VERSUS, the kind of images you have with Norman Rockwell. Almost all of his images of children are children with skinned knees, are of the chaos of kids — I think about the one with the boys running and trying to pull up their pants, they’ve been swimming in the water hole with their dog. The images of children that he depicts are children with other children, who are showing signs of mess, which children inevitably are. Versus, with Ann Geddes, her images are so popular, I mean all sorts of well meaning lovely church ladies on a regular basis put up Ann Geddes posters and calendars and use those images. And what they are is a kind of really dangerous idolatry, because you’re idolizing a kind of purely platonic form of “baby”, the “baby” one can fashion according to one’s own desires, the “baby” as consumable. And notice that those babies never have a sign of food on themselves; if you know anything about toddlers they are constantly covered in food. These pictures are children that do not consume; these are babies that we consume. And those icons of childhood are indicative of a dominant culture in America that sees children as a way to accessorize and fulfill one’s own life, rather than as interruptions into our own hopes, dreams and goals.

Children should ideally re-calibrate our lives and instead we are seeking children that we can calibrate in order to fit into our hopes and dreams. That is part of why you have pre-natal testing and selective abortions, even among Evangelical Christians, you have a real interest in sex selection and gender selection even among Evangelical Christians because they have an image of what their family will look like, of what their child will look like. And there is a whole arsenal of tools now in medicine to use to craft a child that will most fit. Very blessedly, the child who comes will never be a child that will adjust accordingly and be perfect in a way that you were hoping. Blessedly, even if we end up cloning someday, that child will resist merely being an image of what we want. And in that resistance I think there will be hope."  

(bolding mine)

It actually reminds me a bit of my Latin American Cinema class, in how we have talked about the body (along with cinema itself) is often portrayed as being something that is consumed by our eyes and not really given much second thought to.

That felt more elegant in my head.  lol.

Convicting article in regards to how I view children and babies.  Are they just cute objects that are there for me to look at and play with?  Generally, yes.  Talia comes to mind as the prime example, especially with all of her ridiculously adorable photos on Facebook.  Not to bash on those photos... but it's just a thought about how I am viewing what children are for.  Entertainment?

This branches out to how I view people in general.  Do I consume a bit too much of Darren Criss?  haha.  probably.  I don't want to say yes, because I still enjoy it and I still want to keep up with it.  sigh.  but I think one look at my tumblr dashboard would tell you that one entity dominates it (and it's definitely not God...).

Once again, what I'm learning recently.  Romans 1:24-25.  Being given over to all my desires, in any area of my life.

Thank God He doesn't give me everything that I want.

Oh Hello.

No, I don't really want to talk to you.  Sorry.

Knew this would happen.  Well, I thought it might not, I mean, 'cause of what you've said before... but hey, people prove me wrong all the time.

I'm at once pissed... and yet also relieved.  In a way, it's kind of like passing the buck.  Less burden on me, I suppose.

Not to say that I view you as a burden.

ok, well, to be honest, I do to an extent.

But really, you know, letting me know in person would've been nice.

The judgmental, short-tempered guy I become when I think about you probably does need a break from you... and/or we need to air things out--ok, I need to air things out... but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be ready to listen to what I have to say right now.  And in my pissed state, I shouldn't be saying much anyway.

yupp.

oh Lord, I do need patience/help.  I realize I haven't been the greatest friend either.

Play

A poem for my poetry class that I'm writing a close reading on.  It's from our book,The Best American Poetry 2010, and it's by Denise Duhamel (I just went online and read a bunch more of her poems--great narrative poems... just like the kind I want to be able to do).

Play

I am on the outside now like my childless aunt

the one we all hated because my uncle doted on her

she didn't like children you could tell

and wore silk dresses that had to be dry-cleaned

how extravagant said my mother she's spoiled said the other aunts

who were busy in their polyester blends busy with their kids

I have a memory of this aunt eating bonbons

as I swung on a tire hung from a tree branch in her yard

my aunt didn't offer us any candy and that was just bad manners

even as a kindergartener I knew that

but now I have become that aunt

my sister-in-law wants my husband

to move in with her to take care of her children

and what do I know about suffering and divorces

and restraining orders what do I know about staying up all night

with a daughter with a fever

when I called about the $300 worth of extra cell phone charges

the woman at T-mobile said honey I hate to be the one to tell you

but there’s a number and she read my sister-in-law’s number

all the calls are to and from your husband’s cell

sometimes they’re on a couple of hours

they talked when I was at work

the woman said I’m sorry thinking my husband was having an affair

but the affair was with his sister and it wasn’t an affair really

it was therapy and my husband was the therapist

even though he isn’t a therapist

our niece wrote a one-act play in which a man is being abused

by his wife who is a witch a demon

and the man’s kindly sister is trying to help him escape

I know you are being abused as I was once too the heroine says

my sister-in-law thought her brother was abused because he vacuumed once

I guess she thought he was doting on me

my husband thought he was abused because I asked him to cook dinner

when he didn’t have a job for over a year

I understand why my aunt never fought back

because once you are labeled as someone terrible

there is nothing much you can do to change your reputation

there is no way to prove your kindness

if you are nice everyone will think you are phony trying to trick them

and if you are cold well it just confirms their theory

sometimes my husband disappears from this story

only to come back to say please don’t call my sister

the other woman

it grosses me out

OK I won’t

our niece got an A for her play

portraying me as ugly and cruel

and the teacher thought it was so realistic

her theater class even did a staged reading of it

a loud eighth-grade girl playing a shrill me

a small eighth-grade boy cowering as my husband

sometimes my uncle disappears from this story

only to come back

with a giant stuffed animal for me

and a kiss on the cheek for my aunt

when I stole two of her chocolates

and poked holes into the rest left in the box

she knew enough not to complain

and kept her squashed candies to herself.

getting on the tumbs.

I created a tumblr:  quotidianthoughts.tumblr.com

Like Karen, I don't know what's gonna overlap and what's going down on either blog.  I enjoy having all my massive text posts on this blog, since tumblr seems picture-heavy, but I do prefer tumblr's interface more.  It doesn't have as many crazy text changes and random line breaks like blogspot does.  And it does allow for me to reblog Wesley Hill easier.  xD  

Plus, now i no longer have to type in the first few letters of every sophomore's tumblr account--I can just look at my dashboard!

Anyway, if you look on my tumblr now, you'll find the following jewel of embarrassment:

"I'm just tired of being a unicorn, Dad."

weakness

Came out to my ninth graders the second week of Sunday School (9/18).  I think they were ok with it.  They still talk to me at least and wave back when I smile and wave at them.  =)

Came out to various families of youth, some 100ish people for the Youth Family dinner (10/1)... the most number of people in a group that I'd come out to and the least prepared I'd been.  I didn't even think of coming out until the youth workers began sharing about themselves.  For one, I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to share this in front of a multitude of traditional Asian parents.  As I was praying about whether or not to come out (I was one of the last youth workers to share about myself), another youth worker, Connie, spoke about stepping out of one's comfort zone for God.  I was either thinking of 2 Cor. 12:9, or that prompted my thinking of it.
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

"Then give me strength, God, give me your strength, and give me courage, if you want me to come out."

After I finished sharing, I couldn't concentrate very well on what David C. was saying.  My hands were still mildly shaking and I went to get some lemonade and then tea.  I sat back down and thought, "This won't get easier, huh?"  I always hope I'll get better and more at ease with coming out.
When David was done, some parents came up to me and told me how much they appreciated me speaking--Henry telling me how encouraging it was was especially poignant when I consider how much his family has been through.  For those parents who didn't, with whom I would make eye contact with as we passed each other in the halls, I would think, "What do they think of me?  I wonder how they see me now.  Were they offended?  Disturbed?"

Hm.  regardless, the Body of Christ is not what it should be.  and if speaking out is one way of making it more like what it should be, then I will do so.  Changing the church from the inside is definitely exciting.

I can only imagine, though, how much more difficult this will be when I go back home and come out to my home church.  The scandal and questions that will ensue.  My long history that will be scrutinized.  I wish I could take someone from here with me for support.  But this is my own cross.  "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  for the sake of Christ.  To show His power and my gratitude for everything that He's done for me.  It's the least I could do.

I just don't want what You give me.

that's what it comes down to.  I just don't want it.  I hate it.  right now, for some reason, I just really do.

"You make us realize that nothing is more important than your love, and no trophy or prize can make us more or less in your eyes."


nothing can make me more or less in His eyes.  it doesn't matter if i'm gay or straight, if i'm masculine or not, if i were the opposite of everything He wants me to be.  i am accepted.  i am loved by Him.


oh, but how i feel like it does matter.  i want to be everything that's right.  everything that He wants me to be.


but it doesn't matter what i want to be.  He still accepts me as i am.  I can yearn all I want and strive all I want to be someone else.  I can pretend to be someone i'm not.  but He still accepts me as I am, right now.


even when i don't accept that.  even when i don't accept His love for me and His acceptance of me.  He still loves me.  He still accepts me.  I can't do anything to stop that.


it doesn't matter if i'm not who He wants me to be.  He still loves me.  He still accepts me.  He still does.

On Doubt

". . . doubt is as old as faith. As Kierkegaard suggested in one of his journals, "doubt comes into the world through faith." As I've suggested elsewhere, some of our greatest saints have been our greatest doubters, too. Some of our exemplary believers have also been masters of suspicion. The new kind of doubters have nothing on the likes of Graham Greene or Mother Teresa or Bernanos' country priest or Endo's Jesuit missionaries.

But there is also an important difference between emergent skeptics and catholic doubters: The new kind of skeptics want the faith to be cut down to the size of their doubt, to conform to their suspicions. Doubt is taken to be sufficient warrant for jettisoning what occasions our disbelief and discomfort, cutting a scandalizing God down to the size of our believing. For the new doubters, if I can't believe it, it can't be true. If orthodoxy is unbelievable, then let's come up with a rendition we can believe in.

But for catholic doubters, God is not subject to my doubts. Rather, like the movements of a lament psalm, all of the scandalizing, unbelievable aspects of an inscrutable God are the target of my doubts--but the catholic doubter would never dream that this is occasion for revising the faith, cutting it down to the measure of what I can live with. It's not a matter of coming up with a Gospel I can live with; it's a matter of learning to live with all of the scandal of the Gospel--and that can take a lifetime. Graham Greene's "whiskey priest" doesn't for a moment think that the church should revise its doctrine and standards in order to make him feel comfortable about his fornication--even if he might lament what seems to be a denial of some feature of his humanness. All of his doubts and suspicion and resistance are not skeptical gambits that set him off in search of a liberal Christianity he can live with; they are, instead, features of a life of sanctification, or lack thereof. And no one is surprised by that. The prayer of the doubter is not, "Lord I believe, conform to the measure of my unbelief," but rather: "Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief."

For just this reason orthodox, catholic faith has always been able to absorb doubt as a feature of discipleship: indeed, the church is full of doubters. It is the grace of our scandalous God that welcomes them."

--James Smith via Wesley Hill's Tumblr (go figure)

I've thought a bit about why I choose to be Side B.  Honestly, a large part of it is because of what I grew up with.  I learned the read the Bible's passages on homosexuality this way, and while I've looked into alternative readings, those interpretive arguments just aren't as convincing.  Whether that is because my upbringing has lodged itself into my brain, or because I truly think the Side B arguments are much more compelling, I'm not sure.  I'd like to say it's the latter--after all I can defend Side B pretty well--but I cannot deny the influence of the former. 

In some ways, it is easier to be Side B.  I have the support of the Church and my Christian friends.  My view is the orthodox, the conservative, the historical one.

On the other hand, it is naturally a more lonely, difficult road.  But like the excerpt says, right now, I just can't seem to bring myself to cut that out and take Side A.

". . . all of the scandalizing, unbelievable aspects of an inscrutable God are the target of my doubts--but the catholic doubter would never dream that this is occasion for revising the faith, cutting it down to the measure of what I can live with. It's not a matter of coming up with a Gospel I can live with; it's a matter of learning to live with all of the scandal of the Gospel--and that can take a lifetime."

And what is that scandal?  The scandal that the one who created everything, who is so far above, so much greater and better than anything we could possibly imagine... that that one would seek to love us.  Us, in all our disgusting, nasty brokenness and ugliness.  That he would want to be with us, and he died and resurrected for that purpose.  "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Romans 5:8.  A verse that has been on my mind quite a bit these last few weeks, applicable to what we're teaching in Sunday School, and it is also one of Kevin's favorite verses.