Milk for Thought #4

"Last week a friend called my office to leave a question she wanted some help thinking through. Could Jesus have gotten a stomach virus? Or the flu? Or a head cold? This question was rooted in something a little deeper. Since sickness is part of the curse of the Fall, would Jesus’ sinless nature have exempted him from viruses and bugs and fevers?

That night one of my sons woke us, crying as the stomach virus hit with all the unpleasantness that brings. As I watched his little frame tremble as he vomited, I thought about this woman’s question. Would Mary have ever watched her little firstborn in the throes of such sickness?

Why is it so hard for us to imagine Jesus vomiting?

...

It just doesn’t seem right to us to imagine Jesus feverish or vomiting. But that’s precisely the scandal. It didn’t seem right to many to imagine Jesus as really flesh and bone, filled with blood and intestines and urine. Somehow that seemed to detract from his deity. It surely didn’t seem right to many to imagine the only begotten of the Father twisting in pain on a crucifixion stake, screaming as he drowned in his own blood. This was humiliating, undignified. That’s just the point. Jesus joined us in our humiliation, in our indignity."

~Dr. Russell D. Moore (bolding mine)
http://www.russellmoore.com/2010/12/12/did-jesus-ever-get-a-stomach-virus/

Step Three

(For brief background on this post, see Step One and Step Two)

"Mom, are you crying?"

"So you can tell, huh?"

The two of us were sitting in Tony Roma's today for lunch, since my mom saved a coupon for 2 Prime Rib dinners for $20.  Unfortunately, we'd been waiting for over half-an-hour for our food.

"Look, I was just kidding about how we should've gone to the mall first, and then eaten.  Don't cry!"  I said, even though I knew that that wasn't the reason why she was crying.

"No, I'm not crying because of that...  it's because I was thinking of you and how you'll no longer have a normal life..."

Yes, I came out to my parents.  On Wednesday, hours after I got back home, I decided to just get down to business.  I sat my parents and my grandma down and told them I had something to tell them.  Thinking it was good news, they were eager to hear what I had to say.  But even after I let them know that it wasn't good news, they still waited happily.
I prayed, prefaced with the fact that I might not be using to right Chinese words, collected myself for a couple of moments, and said, "我是。。。同性恋。"
Immediately, my dad laughed and said, "Really?"  and my mom and grandma smiled, a little nervously, still in disbelief.
"Yes," I replied.  The following conversation would involve my grandma saying under her breath "不好," my frustration at not being able to say "physical attraction," "lust," or even "sex" (I stuck to "doing things with." hahaha.) in Chinese, and my parents overall disbelief.  I thought it went pretty well, as my mom towards the end of our talk told me that no matter what, they would always love me.  I smiled and gave her a hug, saying, "Good job, Mom. Appropriate response!"  and my dad laughed.

The next day, I would find out that my family didn't actually understand.  Both my parents and my grandma are Christians, so the day before I tried to explain the views I held and argue for their basis in the Bible, and tried to relate my possibly permanent celibacy to a monk (or as my dad thought of, like the girl in Sound of Music").
They still thought that I was just mistaken, and my mom tried to give examples of how a family friend's older brother, when he was younger, didn't chase after anyone, but then when he met the right girl, they got married, and how when she was younger, she wasn't interested in guys, and she just had fun with her girl friends.  I interrupted her, saying, "That's different.  Did you want to have sex with them?  No.  You see?  That's the difference." (not saying that I want to have sex with my guy friends... egh.  lol.  but that was to merely emphasize a point).  Sure, I wanted to get married to a girl, but I am much more physically attracted to guys.

At Tony Roma's, since we were sitting close to the front entrance, my mom asked if we could switch places so that people wouldn't see her crying.  Her crying had made me tear up too, but we collected ourselves and continued waiting for our food.
Once it came, my mom was about to dig into the green beans, when I asked her if she wanted to pray.  She asked if I was gonna pray or if she was, and I told her to.  I was hungry, so I was hoping that she'd make the prayer quick (selfish, I know).  But of course, I had a feeling it wasn't going to be.

In Chinese, she began to pray for me about being gay, about me being brave, about thanking God that I would share this with them, about the Lord supporting me and comforting me when my parents aren't there, about taking it away, about so many things... intermixed were occasional voice breaks and sobs, and so I switched hands so I could comfort her shoulder (side note... it's a pretty rare thing for me to hear my parents pray... and such an extensive prayer I've probably only heard less than a couple handfuls of times from my entire family combined.  So it was nice.  =)  ).

I guess this whole thing has been much harder for my parents than I realized it would be.  I'm kind of getting over the fact that I'm gay (or at least, not as "shocked" anymore), and am just accepting it, so it's a bit of a different feeling to have to convince others that I am.  My parents really don't feel comfortable with me telling my friends here in the Tri-Cities, though.  =(  My mom has gone back and forth with her letting me, and then telling me not to, and then allowing me again, and etc.  Their main reasoning is that I won't be here to explain to all the parents who will ask them about it.

To an extent, I think a lot of it is embarrassment/shame of me... which is ok, I guess.  I feel that way about myself oftentimes.  But I think I'm entitled to a little bit of shaming, because heck, I've been a pretty dang good kid so far, if I do say so myself.  xD  And this shouldn't be something to be ashamed of... this should be something that is talked about.  Unfortunately, my parents don't see any point in me sharing about it, besides my own personal desire to share.  They want me to "wait" until I'm even more sure, I guess (which they said would be when I was ~25 y/o?)... although I told them that's what I'd been doing for the past few years.  Still, I'm almost starting not to see any other benefit in sharing either.  =\
I just want it out there.  I'd hate to live two lives.

Half of me wants to just tell my parents to be brave for me and take it.  The other half realizes that this must be kinda traumatic for them.  No one in my family has slept well the last couple of nights (besides me... haha.  >_<)  Apparently neither my mom nor my grandma had any idea (or at least, they say so... but it sounded a little like they'd been immediately denying any possibility when it came up), and my dad did only because of my friendship with Chris.
Anyway, it's a little disheartening to be the cause of your mother's crying.  =(  I know it's not really my fault... but still.

Well, this sort of thing just takes time.  Here's to trusting God again... and may I be patient and gracious with my family.

Milk for Thought #3

"Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true.  Loneliness hurts.  Rejection hurts.  Losing someone hurts.  Envy hurts.  Everyone gets these things confused with love.  But in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.  Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."

~Unknown (unless you happen to know.  Then please, tell me!)

A little emo/sappy-sounding, I know.  But I saw this quote on one of my friend's Facebook, and I was struck by how true it is.


People mistake love for so many other feelings that tend to come along with it (e.g. lust!).  But love--God Himself (1 John 4:16)--cannot do no wrong.

Self-Realization

Relationships.

I never would've thought I would want this, but for the past couple of weeks, I've just been wondering what being in a relationship with a guy would be like.  If I were to get into a relationship, I wouldn't let us do anything further than hold hands and maybe kiss... which for the longest time would have been abhorrent to me to do with a guy.

Now, though, as I'm really starting to come out, I'm beginning to ask some "what if"s to some situations.  What really set me off were just the last couple of episodes of Glee... where Kurt, the openly gay character on the show, meets Blaine, his future boyfriend.  I really like Blaine's character, and they are so cute together... and they sing an awesome duet of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" for the Christmas album, and Blaine's performance of "Teenage Dream" was really good.

But I know it wouldn't be right to pursue these things.  There's this constant, annoying conflict with what I want and with what is right.  I can't see being in a relationship with a guy having any good outcome... it would just be like we were really close friends because, well, there'd be no future in anything else.  Interestingly, just having a really close friend has been what I've wanted for years.  Only now, however, as I entertain relationship possibilities, have I begun to yearn for that more.

I guess if you were to look at the guys I've wanted to be good friends with--my "chosens"--then it makes sense.  Since I've more or less been rejected by each one (or they're currently in another country), and the latest rejection having been just a few weeks ago, I've started to want someone else in my life.  And considering all of them have thus far been straight guys, then why not try a gay guy this time?  Maybe they'd be interested in the same thing.  And if they were a strong Christian, maybe they'd also be NOT interested in the same thing (i.e. having sex... so they'd also understand that it'd be wrong).  Plus, if they were both gay and Christian, we'd have a connection on both those levels already.

So I guess it would ultimately just be like having a best friend.  Dr. Lindsay mentioned that when he talked at Agape's large group last Friday.  Part of his talk was about finding a lifelong mate/spouse and finding a best friend... since every college graduate must decide who their mates/friends will be as they trudge on through life.  Maybe all I want is a "best" friend.  And while I might have many friends whom I'd call "best" friends (which is why I hesitated in using that term until now), currently, there is no one whom I spend a lot of time with, whom I feel really comfortable sharing with, and who I feel actually does want to learn how I tick.

I suppose that might be the root of my woes about relationships... I just don't want to be alone in all of this being gay and being Christian and life confusion.  So maybe I don't need to find another guy, or even another girl, to be in a relationship with... at least, that's what it seems to be now (perhaps when I find that friend, I'll realize that I actually wanted something more.  =\).

Regardless, ^that above was definitely the most productive self-reflection via writing-out-my-thoughts that I've ever had.  It was unexpected... but I guess it should've been predictable.
Thank You, God, for finally settling things a bit.  =)  I think I'm gaining some peace about all of this relationship-seeking.  I might be denying my desire to be in a relationship with a guy, but I think maybe all I want right now is a friend.  that's really reassuring, because I know that's something I want that I can have.  =)

"You don't know what I've been through, David."

You're right... I don't.

To My CCF Friends

Hello!  If this is one of your first times on my blog, then first off, I want to say thanks for the interest.  =)

Also, thanks for coming last Friday night to large group to hear me speak... and if you couldn't make it, Jeff recorded it for one of my friends, so just let me or him know if you'd like to listen to it.

Soon, I'll probably be posting my talk, or at least the parts of it that I didn't say... and hopefully a reflection post about the whole thing when I can.

one Word conquers my fear:

Jesus.

=)

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, CHILD.

time for a walk with God.

Milk for Thought #2

"The fear is that you'll run out of ideas if you share too many of them. But the truth is that you won't have space for any new ones if you hold on to the old ones too long."  

~ Jonathan Acuff -- May 7th 2009, 11:58 a.m.

Milk for Thought #1

Here commences an official list of random quotes that I've cherished over the years.

"I really love the way God reveals Himself to us only when we are ready. Not a moment too soon. He knows when we are only prepared to drink milk and when we are ready for some meat, as Paul put it. How many times, looking back on your life, have you realized that only God could have known when you were ready to learn certain things? Even in listening back to previous records, I am struck by God’s timing. There are many songs I never could have written 8 years ago, not because I am a better songwriter today, but because I just wasn’t ready for those particular lessons, yet.


I guess I had never considered that scripture would be a part of that very gradual revelation. I've always thought of the Bible as a rather static account of stories, truth, lessons and life that God gave and protected for us. You either "got it" or you didn't. But now I am starting to understand that it lives and breathes between the bound leather and that certain things might actually leap off the page only when we are ready…and you might be three or ninety three when that happens. I could read the same passage hundreds of times, but it won't matter unless the seed is finally falling on fertile soil. Perhaps this might help to explain the countless interpretations of scripture. After all, what man is immune to his own perspective and prejudice?" 

~Nichole Nordeman  
http://nicholenordeman.com/article.aspx?id=486638 (hilarious article, btw)


Also, I sometimes view this as even more support for reading your Bible constantly.  There could be so many specific lessons that God wants you to get from the Bible that only you could learn in your unique perspective at this particular stage in your life.  So get reading!

I guess I don't need him.

The only person I really need is You.

And while sure, I feel like I really could use him in my life; in the end, I don't need it.  Likewise, he doesn't need me.  As much as I might want to be an important part of his life, there's nothing I can do about how he feels.  Plus, I shouldn't be getting into this simply because I want to mean something to him.  That's dumb.

Our friendship has to be God-centered... otherwise it's baseless.

Funny, reminds me of what he had told me years ago... "...you need Jesus."  He was right, after all.  At the time, however, it sounded like pretty impractical advice.  Even when I acknowledge that I do need Him, what do I do then?  How do I even start receiving Him?  Surely there is something more than the Christianese cauldron brew of prayer, the Bible, going to church, etc., right?  Because if not, then where does that leave me?

That's a lifelong journey right there:  learning to depend on God.  Being open to Him, being vulnerable, being broken.  That sounds like a good vague start.
Accepting His love, His forgiveness, His grace.  Some more good vague points.

I suppose one has to make each of those steps a reality to him or herself.  With each of our different experiences, everyone has to learn at their own pace, with their own unique tribulations...

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  ~Plato

What do all those points mean to me?  Well, we'll see in this blog how they play out.  =)

In the Library

This guy noticed me staring so he left, thinking he was talking too loudly.

I just stared because I thought he was cute.  But inevitably, that drove him away, huh?

"I know now that was the day I was picked and being picked is a beautiful thing. But I also know beautiful things are frightening. When something beautiful happens it’s sometimes like an amputation, like your heart is being cut out with a knife. You don’t ever think when you are in extreme pain that you are being saved, chosen, picked for relationship, set aside to be loved. You can never really believe pain. It’s almost always something beautiful transitioning to something better, the whole time masquerading as a tragedy."

~Don Miller (bold-ing mine)
http://donmilleris.com/2010/07/09/hello-my-name-is-lucy/

Looking for Peace

I'm so insecure.

And I don't even know what I want anymore.

One year, and I already want to run away from people.  Surely this must signify an underlying problem.

Maybe I'll blame this sudden freak-out on Physics:  it makes me into an unhappy, frustrated person.  =\

For Your Glory

My apartment unit and Jiwen went to Kemah on Saturday for Susan's birthday, and we really enjoyed the boardwalk with all the rides and the ambiance.  Funnel cake, birds swooping by our heads, light mist spraying from designated coverings, the Gulf of Mexico, a light-up ferris wheel, unintentionally dirty photos... they were all there.

Aaand now we're back.  I'm still a little ambivalent as to how to use names on this blog... but I guess for the positive/trivial things, it can't matter too much, right?
Caleb's parents are at our apartment right now, making brownies, rearranging our furniture, cleaning everything... it's really, really kind of them.  So here I am, awkwardly hiding by my messy desk in Caleb's and my room, with books and papers and clothes lying everywhere.  Bad impression much? haha.  Ah well.

I blame my lack of blogging on my schoolwork and the imminent testimony I'm gonna give to CCF.  It'll probably be the last Friday of October, so I still have over a month, but still.  I want to make it good.

Naturally, much prayer is needed for such a thing... I hope I keep that in mind.  Pray that I'll be able to reach out to CCF and let them know about homosexuality and that it does affect people... a lot more people than most realize.
Above all, may the testimony glorify God.  Glorifying God is something that I'm trying to keep at the forefront of my mind.  I still remember last year when Pastor David Carter was giving a message to CCF, and I responded to one of his questions with "Becoming more Christ-like."  He then said, "Sure, but why be more Christ-like?  What's the point?"

I seriously could not think of why... but fortunately Tina came to my rescue by answering, "To glorify God."

Duh.  I mentally smacked myself numerous times after that because of how obvious it should've been.  I should have known and immediately said that.
But I didn't.  Instead, that wasn't anywhere near what I was thinking.  A little embarrassing/shameful, if you ask me.  How could I forget the meaning of life?  To give glory to God...
Perhaps my non-answer was more revealing of my heart than anything else.

So in the case of this testimony, I pray that I speak to glorify God, and not myself.  I pray that I speak with a vulnerability, brokenness, and the beautiful hope and restoration that is found in Christ Jesus.

I'll be opening up this blog on that day too.  So just one more month of unadulterated writing (written with the intention of opening it up to them eventually, though) from me.

Now, back to work on that testimony.  =)

Doggy Bag

you could smile and tell me that 

I'm important to you
but I know I shouldn't force it out.

So I'll wait.  
You've trained me well, you know.

Open the door and you’ll find me,

the doormat, and

the news in my mouth

as I gaze up at you wondering,

will it be you and me

together

or

will it be just another phase?

It’s your call, master.

But don’t forget that this servant

has a life of his own.

I don't want to be anyone’s leftovers.

God, why am I so effing needy sometimes?

 I guess it's just cause I need You...

T_T

^(read as a deadpan face)

Today was alright.

She was just kinda--bluntly put--superficial.  Of course, we all are, to an extent, but it was a bit much for me at times.  Standard this, having proper this, wanting that, etc.

Maybe I'm just bitter because she didn't really laugh at many of my jokes.  Or at least give the reaction that most people give to them.  haha.  To me, it showed that she wasn't very interested.  But maybe she was somewhat, and that was just her personality.

I know, I'm being judgmental.  But I just wanted to go home and sleep.  seriously.
Once again, I didn't hang out with the rest of my friends... but at least last year, we crazily went to Chinatown and had fun IMO.

Meeting new people's great and all, but at the end of the day, I'd rather have gone and learned about Community.

A Breather

I just had my first bioc exam today.  I think it went fairly well, although you can never be so sure until you get the results back.

Anyway, after being mentally drained from that and everything else going on throughout the rest of the day, I was sitting down and talking with my roommates when I realized that I didn't have anything due tomorrow.  Nothing to study for (well, comprehensive Latin quiz on Friday, but that shouldn't be too bad), nothing to really worry about.

I could just relax.  phew.  I feel like that hasn't happened in a while... or maybe the incessant cramming of bioc the last few days have drained my mind.

Regardless, here are the classes I'm taking this semester:

LING 301 (Phonetics)
LING 321 (Structure of Chinese: Syntax & Semantics)
LATI 101 (Elementary Latin I)
BIOC 310 (Ind. Study for Bioc... basically research-for-credit)
PHYS 125 (General Physics w/ Lab)
BIOC 372 (Immunology)
BIOC 301 (Biochemistry)

...for a total of 22 credits.

I know, I know... a little much.  I actually really dislike having people ask me about what I'm taking, because I always get the inevitable shocked face and "Wow, that's a lot," even when I almost always preface my class listing with a "I might drop something" (in actuality, I've never had any intention of dropping something, unless my grade turns out to be really bad).  I also try to list them in that order, with the easy linguistics courses first and then the sciences last.  Sometimes I actually forget to say research or put it as last.

The same reaction happens anyway.  I guess it's due to me listing off 7 classes, regardless of how easy or hard they seem.

But they're all courses I want to take.  Another one of my rationales is that since Immuno, Physics, and Bioc should be my hardest courses, I actually don't feel like I would spend more time on them if I were taking less courses.  I would just procrastinate more or something.  So I might as well do everything.  haha.  We'll see if this will really work, or if it's just a recipe for disaster...

And now I just took like 2 hours to talk about random stuff to my roommates... haha.  Time to sleep!

Phlebotomist

Gave blood on Thursday... the phlebotomist gave me a hot pink bandage cause she said she knew that I would like it.

lol.  I don't really like pink... but still, the symbolism of it dictates that that phlebotomist had quite the gaydar.  Ahaha.

Or maybe she just thought it contrasted nicely with my Rice blue and white clothes...

But still, I thought it was kinda amusing/unnerving.  x]

On a slightly unrelated note, I still think it kinda sucks that if you're a male and you've ever had gay sex--even just once--then you're banned for life from giving blood.  While it is statistically true that sexually active gays have higher rates of STDs, I think better screening processes could be given and then we could allow at least the low-risk gays to give blood.  After all, isn't it a little unfair that high-risk heterosexuals can give their blood with no problem at all?

^ from reading the Pro and Con views of this policy in August's issue of U.S. News while in the Sea-Tac Airport.  Good stuff.

For Real

So I guess it's official now.

I feel apprehensive, a little bit of dread, and curious to see how it all turns out. But nonetheless, I'm happy... I may still be waiting for most of the peace to come, but I know in time it will. =)

Thank you, God.

Now please, I must ask You to guide us through and I pray that we may rely completely on You.

I woke up today at 9:19 a.m. for a Bible study at 10 a.m.  Except then I checked my phone and saw that Sam was giving me a ride at ~9:30 a.m.

So I rushed to get dressed, brush my teeth, and eat a little breakfast before he came.  It would've been alright had I not gone to sleep at like 5:30 a.m. last night from just talking and watching Wong Fu videos on Youtube.

The whole time I was thinking, "I am too loyal for my own d*** good.  =\"

But after the morning grogginess slowly drifted away, I did have a good time at the Bible study with Dai, Teresa, and Sam.  And really, it was my fault for staying up so late last night.

Oh, silly me.  =)

Am I so deadened to other people's suffering that I don't know how to relate to them anymore?

I can come up with numerous justifications of why I couldn't help, of why things didn't turn out the way I want or the way he wants, or why things just weren't a good fit, or whatever.  In the end, however, I've been pretty useless, huh?

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a mild savior complex. (**edit 9/19/2010** I guess everyone wants to be the hero, huh?)  Yet I rarely go out of my way to help someone--usually they have to come to me instead. KSVD... just a few people whom I've formed strong bonds with, and yet they were the ones who reached out to me.

Thankfully.

Most of the time, I was a bit put off and weirded out (that whole, randomly negative first impression thing), but after a while, I really warmed up to them.

But still, couldn't I be a bit more helpful?  A bit more attentive?  sigh.

Had my wisdom teeth taken out Friday.

Didn't die.

Had no apparent damage to my facial nerves.

Weaned down pain pills pretty easily.

All in all, a blessed operation, and I'm so grateful that it all turned out really well.  That also reminds me of how well my financial aid turned out this year, despite massive fail on my part (perhaps for another post).  Once again, God being way too good to me...

We're More Alike Than Different

It's Not About Us

Matthew 7:21-23

²¹"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²²Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' ²³Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'"

These people tell God, "Look what we did for you!"
But it is what He did for us that truly matters.
(something Greg, a member of the Smoovies' Bible Study, said today)


This excerpt has always reminded me of Mormonism, and it may be the passage I cling to the most when I wonder what the heck I'm doing trying to evangelize to these people with such seemingly pristine lives.  I mean, what's the point?  What more do they need?  Are they even lost to begin with?

I guess it's not up to me to judge their salvation... my job is to simply obey God's calling (assuming of course, that I am sure this is what He's calling me to do).

Back at the end of May, this passage became even more charged with significance for me.  When I was visiting Jackson's LDS church, the first Sunday School class we went to was actually led by Principal Comfort (the principal of my high school), and he was going over the parables of Jesus.  After going through the ones he'd wanted to cover, with the last bit of time, he decided we could talk about one last parable, so he asked me what my favorite one was, and I instantly thought about this passage.

Of course, it would rather awkward and could be taken as rude if I were to say that was my favorite parable (and it's not even really a parable), so I simply said that I didn't know what my favorite one was (I then thought of the Prodigal Son, and what I'd learned at Smoovies' Bible study and SCL... it'd probably be my favorite, but it was rather long and I didn't think we had enough time).

Ironically, Principal Comfort then went to this exact passage... (well, maybe from verse 15-23)  He commented briefly about it, and then moved on to an actual parable, verses 24-29, talking about building your house on rock instead of sand.

Was he hinting something to me when he went to verses 21-23?

I wouldn't blame him; I was just about ready to do the same.  ;)

Anyway, the mental wrestling of the difficulty of deciding how far along Jackson--or any other Mormon... or really, any other person--is to being saved will be for another post.  However, that post will probably just be a whole ton of questions... =\  eh, whatever!

White Man

One of the members of my high school youth group showed this at her lesson last Friday... pretty adorable.



"White Man"
by The Michael Gungor Band

"Can We Pray About This?"

She says that at almost every phone conversation we have.  To be honest, the first few times, I was surprised...

Prayer?  Oh right, that's true, that would really help.  I forgot...

For me, while Phil. 4:6 may be my life verse ("Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done." NLT), I still struggle to remember to pray.  I am usually ready to help my friend with whatever advice and counsel I can come up with--and if I can't think of anything, then prayer would usually be the back-up advice or last word that I have.  Or I would pray in my head that God would give me wisdom to speak to her.

But she pleasantly surprises me with her eagerness to pray, and I really appreciate it.  Her prayers have brought me to my knees with how powerfully raw she lays out her emotions before God.  She's been a real blessing to me, even though I must admit that sometimes constantly being the support can be draining.  I am honored to be able to help, though.
For once, I have been the friend to call up at 2 in the morning to talk about whatever she's going through.  I've always wanted to be that kind of friend for someone.  =)

After all--as selfish as it sounds--it's nice to be needed, huh?


"You're my hero," she says.  That makes me happy, of course (I need that positive encouragement as an ISFJ!  lol)  And yet, these experiences and conversations have taught me so much more about God, whom is the Hero to us both.  Like what it's like to truly care for someone, or how to listen with all of my attention, or just how to be patient.  Dang... God Himself has to deal with all of us, and all of our trials and struggles... it makes you really appreciate such a loving God.  =)


All in all, it makes me think of the quote on Kevin Yi's Facebook About Me:  "When God wants to bless you, He puts a person in your life."

It's August.

"'Til all my sleeves are stained red / from all the truth that I've said / . . . so tell me want you want to hear."

May the Lord bless this school year with audacity and vulnerability.

"I'm sick of all the insincere."

On Bravery

Word-for-word from Nichole Nordeman's Brave CD case:

"It's been awhile since I had some new songs to sing.

I took some time off from the world of music making and touring, because God decided to take my very well ordered and comfortable life and blow it to smithereens by surprising us with a baby. I decided this might require some time for recovery and regrouping, until all the pieces were returned to their original (and preferably alphabetized) state. I'm a bit Type A like that.

Anyone who's been down that road is laughing because of course, I never recovered. Or regrouped. I never recovered from the way my heart had to triple in size to make room for all the love (and fear) that would come roaring to the surface. I never regained control again. My life never resumed its clip, cloppy ordered pace. Love can be such a wrecking ball.

My time off also afforded me some great big, open green fields of space, where there had been small and weedy patches at best. Space for other people and time for relationships. I had a chance to learn how to be a friend again, or how to have a friend, for that matter. I learned that relationships don't exactly thrive on 5 minute phone calls, dashing through airports. I learned that a tour bus is not a substitute for a well-rooted home. I learned that the leaves of marriage don't stay green if the soil never gets any water and you stick it in a windowless corner. Barbra Streisand nailed it. People do need people. And God knew that.

So we were born to pour into each other's lives. These songs are the stories that were poured into and out of mine the last couple of years. I've walked into some dark places with some very dear people, and then back into the sunlight. And they, with me. This has been a real honor, and doesn't come all that naturally as I can tend to be a bit of a loner. (Type A/loner...nice combo). Anyway, God really took this time...these big fields of space to show me through all these stories of pain and promise that His love is not at all passive. It is so relentless in its pursuit of our terrified hearts. The love of God will hunt you down until you finally spin around in exasperation ("okaaaaay!!!") and admit how cherished you are. It gives us confidence when comfort is MIA. It gives our stories context and hope when somebody else recklessly rips out a chapter. It fills in the blanks. The love of God hoists us up on the shoulders of Jesus and hollers out the promise of St. Paul, "I can do ALL things through Christ, who gives me strength!" It scoops us up and makes us brave.

-Nichole"

Nichole Nordeman is one of the most gifted songwriters that I've ever heard.  I love her writing, and I think she's incredible.  Her song "Brave" has helped me through so many trials of faith.  When I was in the thick of trying to reach out to Jackson and the Mormon missionaries, the bridge of that song would always comfort me:

"I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame

Every storm will start with just a drop of rain

But if You believe in me

that changes everything."

Too bad she just had to have another child in 2008 and stop her writing and touring and such.  Boo. =(   But maybe chances are good that she'll start up again...

Fraidy Cat

In an attempt to be more vulnerable, instead of just transparent, I'm gonna write a few of my fears about homosexuality.

• I fear I won't be able to have kids of my own
• I'm scared I will never be able to end up with the girl of my dreams because I can't give her my everything
• I'm afraid that I'm just fulfilling the stereotypes of a gay male, and I'm simply another run-of-the-mill gay
• I'm scared of rejection, of ridicule, of thoughts of "he just does that because he's gay." (which may be true, nonetheless)
• I'm frightened I'll be bitter against people who don't understand homosexuality or those who brush it aside as taboo
• I'm scared of wasting away this opportunity... one could almost view this trial as a blessing, to grow my faith and to encourage others
• But I'm also frightened of what God will ask of me... maybe even a life of celibacy which would confirm some of the above fears
• I'm frightened of what I could become, whether that be jaded against Christianity, or promiscuously crazy
• I'm afraid that God might never take this away from me
• Yet I'm also afraid for if He does--homosexuality has become part of my identity now.
• I fear that I might hate myself

I know that some of these things I shouldn't be frightened of.  Maybe that's why the most common command in the Bible is "Do not be afraid."  Don't be scared, God tells us.  Everything will work out, I know what's best for you, I can save you, I love you... just trust Me.

I'll try trusting Him for as long as I can.

I Need You

"I have something else in common with Zacchaeus.  I want to see Jesus.  I want to figure out who he is.  I try to get an 'angle' on Christ.  I look for different points of view from where I can figure out who Jesus is.  I do things, go places, surround myself with the right people or try and read the right books so I can be in a better position to see Jesus--I climb my own sorts of trees.  The things I use to try to get a better view of Jesus always leave me frustrated and empty.

Zacchaeus must have had a great view of Christ from that tree, but it wasn't the right view.  It was a view that Zacchaeus controlled.  To see Jesus, to really get a good look at him, we have to come face to face with him.  It is the times when I come to Christ vulnerable that he really shows himself to me.

Because I know that God sees everything, I often pride myself in my own transparency before God.  But transparency isn't vulnerability.  I do a pretty good job of protecting myself in relationships.  I'm open enough that I can get by without having to need anything from anyone.  I would be humiliated by such weakness.  But I'm finding that's a form of pride--and not even a deformed version of pride, just regular old pride.

It was recently pointed out to me that the word vulnerable comes from the Latin word for 'wound.' Therefore, to be vulnerable means to be capable of being wounded.  So the trees I climb (missions experiences, conferences and retreats, books and relationships with the right people) and the tree Zacchaeus climbed, expose the real (and often hidden) need and desire to see God.  And really, it's just another attempt to try and save ourselves.

. . .

All this foreshadows the cross, really.  I try to see Jesus in so many ways, but it's only when I come face to face with him that I'm transformed.  The things I try to climb up to see Christ are false crosses that I make for myself, hoping they'll save me.  Jesus calls me down.  From his cross, I learn to see his love for me.  At his table he gives me the eyes to see his love for the world."

~pgs. 43-45, Simple Spirituality by Christopher Heuertz


"But transparency isn't vulnerability."  Ah, yes... it isn't.  Pretty sure I've tried to run my life not wanting to need anything from any of my friendships.
I don't want to inconvenience people is how I rationalize it.  At the same time, however, I just want to be strong, independent, and completely self-sufficient.  I want others to depend on me--not the other way around.  But like Heuertz says, that's simply pride.  Pride, in the flesh.

So Blessed

From PostSecret

=)
I don't need to have all the answers.  Maybe that's part of what's so comforting about that Secret.

What is it I trust in then?  (Or rather, Whom?)
I trust in the One who created everything, who has all the answers, who loves us infinitely more than we could ever imagine.

Of course, the secret is only partially right; after all, He was gracious enough to give us a kind of how-to guide in the Bible... but the step-by-step processes are up to us to figure out.


So anyway, recently, I'm realizing how incredibly fortunate and blessed I am to be a Christian.  Especially to be one who legitimately feels like he has a strong grasp on his faith, and one who feels like he's growing.  Of course, I don't feel like that every day... but I've just been amazed that I've been so lucky as to not fall away from my faith.

God has been so good to me.

It's not fair.

Yet I've been preserved for a reason, of course:  to help other people, Christians and non-Christians, feel the same way I do by leading them closer to Christ to experience His love.

The truth is, we don't have flail around in the air, sky-diving towards the ground.  We can wing it with God, trusting in His every move.  (Isaiah 40:31? ;)  )


btw,

Had an incredible phone conversation with a friend Thursday night/Friday morning.  Dare I say he's an answer to my prayers?

I'm thinking yes.  =)  

I didn't realize this until just now, when I came to deliberately blog about whatever (expect random jumping around),  but it's been exactly two months since I arrived in the Tri-Cities, and I haven't told a soul who lives here about my struggles with homosexuality.
Of course, it's not that I didn't want to, but I couldn't quite sum up the courage.  There also weren't really opportune times either, and I wasn't sure whom to tell.  Yet I guess if I'm waiting for the perfect time and the perfect people, then that may never come.  Still, so far, I'm dealing alright.

Anyway, I'm trying to reach out to more people/improve friendships, and I currently have about 7 Facebook message chains going on, 4 originally started by me.  While I'd love to have more conversations with more people, these 7 are a few of the people whom I really care for right now.  So it's been good getting to know them and chit-chat some more.  =)

I find that I hold grudges for a very long time.  Obviously, that's pretty unhealthy, and it's something I need to work on.  I thought about all this and about forgiveness due to Smoovies' Bible study last Thursday, where we looked at Matthew 18:21-35, the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (and God I feel has been hinting at me about forgiveness over the past few weeks).
I guess the reason it's so hard for me to forgive is because I always feel like forgiving that person would mean that what he or she did was actually ok.  But forgivness is more than that, as I read from this one article a couple years ago, and as one can see from this parable.  There was an unpayable debt of ten thousand talents (the Bible study leader, Arthur, said that that would be like hundreds of millions [i think?] or at least way more than anyone could pay in a lifetime... obviously the servant had seriously screwed up in order to amass such a debt), something that was completely NOT ok for the king.  And yet it was still forgiven.
The article I read a while back said that forgiveness is for yourself, too, in the sense that it lets you not be eaten away by your anger and bitterness.  True that.  Regardless, it's still so hard to practice, you know?  Instant gratification and all that jazz.

Anyway, some more related points about the Parable that I'd like to remember:

• The verses preceding the parable have to do with restoring brotherly fellowship, so this parable goes directly along with that.
• v. 21  Peter asks if seven times is enough for forgiving... in the ancient times, three was considered the normal amount that people would get, so apparently here Peter feels extra holy for saying a whopping SEVEN times.  Of course, Jesus blows him (and us) out of the water.
• v. 25  His wife and children got involved too... showing how our sin can affect our family and friends.
• Matthew 6:12, part of the Lord's Prayer... "Forgive us our debts, AS we also have forgiven our debtors."  Notice the AS... just more of the "do it and it'll be done unto you" sort of thing.

On a completely unrelated note, I realized that CCF is the most inspiring group of individuals I have ever met or been around.  Especially my class... just reading their blogs or hearing about their lives encourages me to be a better person.  They inspire me to strive for more and to work harder.  =)

I really do love them.

Camp has been exhausting, and I need to work harder to be a good staff member.  I'm not as on top of the ball as I thought I would be.  =\  

James 5:16

A new pastor from an Anglican church in Kennewick (part of the Tri-Cities) came to speak at TCCAC (Tri-Cities Chinese Alliance Church) today for our English service.  He was speaking on Gal. 5:1, 13-26, (5:13 is a great verse, btw ["You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." (NIV)]) but he mentioned James 5:16, and I felt really drawn to that verse:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

It's pretty simple and straightforward.  Still, it made me think about how I've kept in my feelings of homosexuality for so long, and only recently began opening up about them.  How could I expect to be healed if I never sought for help?  Granted, I tried to be honest with God and I thought I could get healing from Him without the need of anyone else, but it's difficult to be honest to Him when you're not honest with yourself.
Alvin was right when he said that I was taking the first steps to healing... even though that may not have been my primary intention to telling people.

(side note... James 5:15 says,"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven." when paired with 5:16, it has that chiasmus thing going on... the A B B A of Sickness/Healing Sin/Forgiveness Sin/Forgiveness Sickness/Healing.  However, maybe 5:16 can be read as confessing your sins + prayer for sins = healing like how I'm reading it?  According to one commentary I just looked up, verse 15 is definitely talking solely about physical healing, but verse 16 may refer to health in the broadest sense, so including spiritual health).


*07/06/10 completion*
Funny that this verse so perfectly encapsulated what I'd felt, despite how simple it is.  I voraciously continued reading James 5, to see if maybe there was more to the letter that related to what I was going through.  No such luck.  But one thing's for sure, I'll continue praying, for myself and for others.  I hope that as a fellowship, we as CCF will be able to follow through with James 5:16.  I can see great things happening if we do.  =)

Glory to Him

"Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear 师母 (Pastor's Wife),
Happy birthday to you.

住你生日快乐，
住你生日快乐，
住你生日快乐，
住你生日快乐。"

The haunting melody sunk into the ears of the hundred of us singing.  We were in the church's kitchen/main area, celebrating the Pastor's Wife's 70th birthday, all expenses paid by our Pastor Guo.
The birthday girl, however, couldn't make it to the party.  Instead, she was staying half-a-mile away.  In hospice care.  In a coma.  Which she had been in for the past year-and-a-half.
An inexplicable, tragic accident in a swimming pool last January had left her in a coma, and it's been stressful times for our church.  Of course, the Pastor himself and his family have been hit the hardest.

Pastor Guo thanked everyone for pitching in where they could to make this birthday party happen.  Even though he paid for the food, the choir came and sang a few songs to the Pastor's Wife right before the dinner started, one member got duck from Seattle, my mom and grandma clipped about 3 dozen roses from their gardens, and many people helped set up and serve the food.  I couldn't help but tear up when he then said that while he may have lost her love through this trial... he gained all of our love.
It is undoubtedly true that we've grown stronger as a church body--and though there've been a few hiccups here and there, I can feel that we're closer because of this trial.

May we continue to glorify God through everything.

now, every time I think of glorifying God, I cannot help but think of the Youtube video that Alvin showed me about John Piper and his view of the prosperity gospel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s).
The lines that stick out the most have always been,
"I'll tell you what makes Jesus look beautiful.

It's when you smash your car and your little girl goes flying through the windshield and lands dead on the street.  And you say, through the deepest possible pain, 
'God is enough.  God is enough.  
He is good, 
He will take care of us, 
He will satisfy us, 
He will get us through this, 
He is our treasure.  
Whom have I in Heaven but you?  And on earth there is nothing that I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart and my little girl may fail, but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever.'


That makes God look glorious."

He talked about striving for excellence, hockey, Nehemiah 6:3, how he loved that verse, and it made me tear up.

I miss him.

Bittersweet

I went ice-skating today for the first time in the Tri-Cities (I think I went once or twice in China).  It was with my Chinese church's youth group, and we had like 22 people come--huge success!  I'm proud of my youth group for being able to organize all this by themselves, and that everything turned out well (we got a discount by saying it was a birthday party; fortunately, we had a birthday on Monday [Lucy's], and then another one on Tuesday [Andrew Lea's]).
The rink made me think of how Jackson used to play hockey, and that he probably played hockey in that exact rink.

Kinda wished I had played hockey when I was younger... I've always enjoyed playing hockey whenever we would play in P.E. on the gym floor (obviously, it's a bit different on an ice rink, but whatever)... plus, maybe I would've met up with Jackson earlier than I did.

He leaves in 4 days... June 2nd, Wednesday.  Tomorrow I go to see his "farewell" speech at his church.

Hmmm... I miss him already... and I feel like we're not even that good friends.  Like, I don't know much about his inner thoughts--although I guess I do know how he acts, his little habits, and stuff like that.  But we've never gone very deep in our conversations, besides all those talks about religion.  Even then, it wasn't that personal.

Still, he was/is one of my Chosens.  I got kinda nervous in meeting up with him yesterday for Subway... but when we were together, everything felt so natural.  It was really fun, just hanging out and talking.  =)

On a lighter note, I made Almond Tea Cake today, from a website that Teresa posted a recipe from.  I would've made the recipe she put up  (Apple Crunch Cake), but I don't think we had enough vanilla extract to make it work.
My mom said the Almond Tea Cake was, "很好吃!" [Really delicious!]  My dad also really liked it, and my grandma said, "从来没有吃过着么好吃的蛋糕."  [She had never eaten such a delicious cake.]  =D  Success!  Even despite the fact that we only had almond butter instead of almond paste, and so I took out some butter to compensate.  Looks like it turned out fine, though.  =)

Trust and Anger

So I've been lucky to not be choked by my struggles recently... God has really lifted my mood and I'm not entirely sure how or why--perhaps Glee, good food, good music by K-Love, direction for summer plans, and grateful and appreciative friends and family have helped a lot--but I guess that just goes to show how moods can be so fickle.

For one, I'm a little less anxious about one of my friendships.  While I was incredibly grateful to God for blessing me with his friendship (he is so much more kind, perceptive, and encouraging than I could have imagined... I feel guilty for not trusting him and God earlier), I could not (and still can't totally) shake the fear of this relationship horribly failing.  But I'm trying to learn how to embrace that fear, especially when I know that it is God's Will.
Part of the inspiration came from reading my old blog, and just seeing how obsessed I was with Chris at the time.  Surprisingly, I was quite trusting in God... well, what else could I have done back then, I suppose, but even still, it was encouraging.  And I wouldn't have gotten to that point had I not been trying to read through Stephanie's Xanga (oh my gosh, wow, so many posts there.  Props to you, Stephanie, if you ever read this, on keeping such an extensive history.  I wish I had a blog that detailed!).  Just seeing her bear her heart on her Xanga and observing her growth made me wonder how much I'd grown since my first blog.

Quite a lot, thanks to God.  Yet I still had some pretty good insights back then that I'd forgotten since. Considering how much worse I felt, and that I didn't have much experience of God working in my life, everything still turned out way better than I could have imagined.  I can't imagine the current struggles in my life not becoming a huge blessing in my life as well, provided that I'm willing to work them out with God.

So, I'm willing to put my heart out and love with what I've got.  Not obsessively this time, however.  I'm also trying to not be jealous of his other friendships or expect anything from our friendship.  Maybe that's what really tore Chris and me apart:  my ridiculously-high expectations of a fairytale friendship.  Along those lines, I can see unequal expectations possibly tearing some of my other friendships apart... but we'll see how those go.


I read this article today about anger:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001972.cfm

An excerpt:

"Complaining and anger are often perceived as kind of cool, against the grain, rebel without a cause attitude. Anger is almost perceived as a personal strength. If you're opinionated enough to rant, then you must have something to say. But Proverbs 16:32 tells us: 

Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

Contrary to our subtle belief that anger is a display of strength, it is actually patience that is strong and anger that's a sign of weakness. Instead of buying into cultural notions regarding the "virtue" of anger, we need to better understand a biblical view of anger."

I've definitely seen anger as "cool," or at least, demanding of fear/respect.

But typical of our God is the way He goes against cultural norms.  =)  

Another passage:

"You don't have to be an "angry person" to have a problem with anger. There's an anger of the garden variety that's often expressed through complaining, grumpiness, a cutting remark, sulking self-pity, and turbulent frustration. 

Take commonplace complaints about the weather. Complaints about the excessive heat or cold can either be a form of small talk or a form of unbelief in God's good providence. We don't typically think of complaining as anger, but when framed with the providence of God we are pressed to consider our motives."

Although most people may not realize it, I get angry (or at least frustrated) pretty easily.  The thing is, I think I'm just good at hiding it.  Also, part of my personality is less confrontational, so I don't usually express my anger at people.  Reading the above quote, however, I realized that I truly am even more angry than I realized (even though the article describes the above as "garden-variety anger").
Especially now, with my situation in dealing with homosexuality.  I realized that I've definitely been angry at God... or at least, angry, self-pitiful, and frustrated at my situation (see previous post! xD )... which basically translates to anger at God Himself.

"When I grow angry I find myself losing belief. I lose faith in God's goodness amid my circumstances. I lose belief in his promises, that "he works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose" (Rom 8:28). 

This unbelief arises from sinful discontent with God's wise providence, a failure to trust in His perfect will to do me good, whether through bad weather or good, emotional intimacy or none, apology or no apology. From emotional outbursts to weather complaints, anger arises from a failure to believe the truth, and belief that God owes me something: better weather or better marital intimacy or whatever. 

Belief in this false promise is unbelief in God's promises. 

Powlison points out that we express our anger towards God in three main ways. First, anger either ignores or rejects the sovereign freedom of God. Second, it's a refusal to believe God's promise to work for our good in all things, even drastic changes in climate. Third, it enthrones our will for comfort over God's will, effectively assuming personal supremacy over God. It puts God in the dock. 

We've seen these three elements from my personal struggles with anger, noting their Satanic, not Christlike character. At the root of anger is an enthronement of our will, an idolatry of our way, and a refusal to exercise acontented trust in God's providence."

(geez, I might as well c/p the whole article.  >_<)
Hmmm, so once again, it all comes back to trusting in God.  Ah, what a journey.  =)

Step Two

(I have at least three posts on my mind, so I'll try to get them out quickly... because they're beginning to suffocate me...  For brief background on this post, see Step One)

"You're taking the right steps... you're on the right track."

I leaned against the railing of the AcaTerrace with my crossed arms, taking in Alvin's words.  I had just told him that I struggle with homosexuality, and we then walked from the baseball fields back towards Wiess.

"I mean, acknowledging it and then telling people... that's good.  The Holy Spirit is working in you."

Man, am I ever grateful for his words that night.  I can only trust that God is working in me.

...

"It was like it didn't affect the rest of your life, so why tell people?"

It was the next night, and Angela and I were making fruit jello (fruit in jello?  jello-encased fruit?) at third-floor Wiess kitchen.  I had told her that this struggle had of course been on my mind for years, but I just never thought it was important to tell other people.
And she was so right--I had been compartmentalizing this because I thought that it would just disappear over time.  What was the point of telling people I was gay, only to tell them a couple months or years later, "Op, just kidding!  I'm straight now"?  Besides, if I hoped to get married someday, how could I possibly get in a relationship with a girl when everyone thinks I'm gay?
So I didn't explicitly tell anyone... but then my situation didn't change.


Except now that I've told a couple handful of people (*edit* don't feel bad if I didn't tell you... it's just that we probably never had the chance to have a good heart-to-heart after March, or you just didn't ask me point-blank about homosexuality), I've realized that telling people makes me acutely aware of my struggle... which of course can be a very good thing.  I can realize my sins, ask for forgiveness, and work with God to improve on them.

Yet recently, like I said before, I've been inexplicably depressed at random times.  I guess my difficulty now is not hating myself.  For me, I've always known and felt that God loves me, but I suppose you'll have those times when you just don't love yourself.  I just hate how my struggle makes everything so complicated.  All my relationships with people are thrown into disarray due to my homosexuality.

Eh, perhaps I'm being too hard on myself.  If I were straight, I'd still have similar problems. (hmm, saying "If I were straight" and talking about myself as being gay... I still can't fully accept.  Maybe I should say bi?  But I like that even less.)  But at least they'd be more socially acceptable.

Haha, and since when should I care if I'm "socially acceptable" or not?  The thing about me is that I get a perverse satisfaction by being in a crappy situation sometimes.  I'd much rather be in a bad situation than have someone else be in that situation.
It's like, that way, I can complain about how sucky my life is and people can sympathize and be like, "Wow, yeah, that is sucky."  Of course, I know my life is really good in comparison to the rest of the world (maybe this self-handicapping and desire for pity applies most academically, by loading up on a difficult courseload).  And even when things suck for me, I don't usually complain much in part because I think someone else surely has it worse, in part because it simply isn't that horrible, and in part because I don't want to waste anyone's time by complaining and making people pity me.

Self-pity, though?  I have plenty of that.  Or maybe more like self-frustration.  I have a LOT of that.  ;)  Self-pity often  follows, though, like how it is now.

In terms of telling more people, however, I'd like to be as brave as Clara was at CCF's End-of-Year Party (and ooh, so thankful for God's protection of the sophomores in the car accident that night... may I never forget how blessed that was).  But like Johnny told me a couple weeks ago, you have to be careful that telling people doesn't become the end... it shouldn't end up being a "Look I confessed, I'm such a bold Christian" (which I'm pretty sure I'd be guilty of doing).

I'll pray to see what God wants me to do for next year sharing, and for my life.  I feel like I'm going to get married since I have such romanticist views of everything, and I love just the idea of marriage, romance, having a wife, having a family, etc. But maybe that's not what God wants for me... and that scares me.
It's like Clara said, everyone wants to be loved.  So many people want a significant other to share life with--but then again, there are so many other ways one can be loved and fulfilled than just having a spouse... hm.

So anyway, do I need to be more broken and vulnerable about homosexuality in front of people?  Ugh, why does life have to be so complicated?  xD

On the Ground

Luke 7:47 (NLT)

"I tell you, her sins--and they are many--have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love.  But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love."

I read this passage (Luke 7:36-50) a few days ago, and cannot stop thinking about this verse.

The scene is at the house of a Pharisee, with a sinful woman weeping on Jesus' feet, wiping His feet with her hair, kissing them, and putting expensive perfume on them.

When I was younger, I would read this verse and think, "Really...?  Can't you love much even if you haven't been forgiven much?  Do you really have to have all these sins to be forgiven in order to love much?"  And of course, being naive and prideful, I would push aside the verse and think, "No, that can't be right.  I can still love God a lot, even if I haven't been that sinful."
But here, Jesus says I can't.  I teared up, thinking of the sins that He'd been revealing to me recently, and how I've seen that I'm really quite messed up, what with homosexuality and all.  Acknowledging these sins, coming to terms with the fact that I have them, asking for forgiveness, and receiving forgiveness have been more steps to increase my love for God and to really be thankful for what He's done for me.  I really can't be grateful enough to see my sins and receive forgiveness for them, because this can only make me love God more.

Like the woman at Jesus' feet, however, I should be down on the floor, crying and wiping His feet... otherwise, am I really accepting that forgiveness?  Do I see how wrong I've become and am I truly thankful for His grace?

No, not really.  That shows that this principle isn't a license to sin more just so you can "be forgiven and love more."  After all, the act of asking and accepting forgiveness shows at least a penitent heart.  Done the right way, this becomes a kind of a feedback inhibition too--you sin, you ask and accept forgiveness, you love more, and so you sin less because of your greater love.

Man, God is incredible.  =)

Summer Goals/Plans

*edit*  Reminder to self that all posts after this will actually have been posted two hours behind since Blogger is too dumb to incorporate different timezones for different posts.

A list of what I hope to accomplish during the summer, since I'll have a ton of free time just working at Partners 'n' Pals.  In vague order of importance to me:

• Read the plethora of books from Urbana
• Learn some recipes to cook
• Learn guitar (basic chords)
• Study for MCAT
• Learn Korean alphabet

Interspersed with these concrete, self-edifying goals, I'll also

• take quite a few late-night walks with my speakers and maybe a friend or two
• finish FFIX!!  And start/finish FFX.
• watch movies that I've wanted to see for months/years (How to Train Your Dragon, The Notebook, Alice in Wonderland)
• finish Coffee Prince and Miss No Good (不良笑花). Maybe start some more dramas?
• work out and swim (I hope this happens... but my expectations of myself are not high... >_<  )

Finally--and this is probably most important--I really need to spend time soul-searching.  I mean, sometimes I feel that I'm becoming the person I've always wanted to be, but recently, I can't get over the feeling that I'm pretty dissatisfied with myself.  It's been souring my mood, and unfortunately, I don't have time to look into it right now.

In short, some reconciliation time with God is much-needed.

I seem to believe that not everyone is a child of God.


Not everyone is precious in God's eyes, not everyone should be saved, not everyone should receive His forgiveness and love.


Matthew 25:41-45

⁴¹"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴²For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
 ⁴⁴"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
 ⁴⁵"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'


I tend to forget that right after Jesus praises those for offering their food, drink, and hospitality, He condemns those who have been so stingy to not offer their time and resources to others.  And for those who are hungry, physically or spiritually, I often callously throw them aside. Though they may not be actively seeking God, I have to take them into account.
Everyone I interact with, everyone I see, and even those who I don't... they all are meant to praise God for everything He's done for us.

...and that's where I stopped in mid-February... with a cliché ending and no definite decision.  Lately I've been thinking about why I no longer feel like reaching out to people.  Frankly, I just feel tired of it all.  It wasn't until I read Dillon's blog (his post on July 25th, 2009, http://longlined.blogspot.com/2009/07/what-uppp.html which happens to be Dennis' birthday and one day before my own... xD) that I realized what I was missing:  love.  Of course, that might seem obvious, especially since I remember asking myself why I couldn't love people anymore.

But this love cannot come from myself.  It only takes a few weeks for me to be fed up with people and tired of talking to them.
No, only Spirit-driven love can produce the kind of lasting fruits that satisfy.

Lord, please give me your passion to reach out and love others... no matter what I feel at the time.

Heart Motive

Hi, my name is David and I'm a Love-Me Time.

Dennis showed me a link about Heart Motives, and when he was describing the Love-Me motive, it sounded a lot like me.  Once I started listening to the sermon on Love Me motive, I pretty much identified with everything the speaker was saying.

I'm still trying to apply what I've learned to my life and improve my sinful ways, but for now, there are a few things that really struck a chord with me.

For instance, the idea of "Chosens," people who you want their love the most, people whose full attention you desire people whom you get jealous of if they spend time with other people instead of you... I undeniably had/have chosens, and it is extremely annoying.  I hate how someone can make me run through the gamut of emotions, and it's not a person I'm in love with or have a crush on.  (at least, I don't think they are...)
Learning about that does make me feel a bit better, however.  That means that Chris may not have been someone I was in love with, but merely a Chosen that I had at the time.  While that may just be a matter of semantics, it at least sounds a little better.

*edit* 06/08/10
Well, I can see now that the "goal" for Love-Me Times is to treat everyone as if he or she were a Chosen.  While I knew that when I wrote this post, I couldn't really see how to apply it.  Now, though, when I feel grumpy about giving my time/effort to someone who's not my Chosen, I wonder if I would feel differently if the person were my Chosen.  Nearly every time the answer comes up as "Yes," and I realize that I do need a change of heart after all.  In those cases, I would be much more caring, much more understanding, and just much more loving.

Step One

I struggle with homosexuality.

There.  It's out, in the open.  And while I've never explicitly said that phrase to anyone, I've more or less told people that.  In the last couple of weeks, I had a deep conversation with Albert, and then with Susan and Caleb.  Actually, the talk I had with Susan and Caleb just happened two days ago, and I still smile when I think of how stalkerish and freaking-out they were (e.g. looking through all my profile pictures for being gay [they decided on one where my arm was sticking outwards as a possible sign... but then realized i was probably just holding something]; planning out when to bring up my vaguebooking and how to confront me about possibly being gay; planning where Caleb would sit, where Susan would sit, and where I would sit; having crazor facebook message convos detailing what they were thinking)... to me, it shows that they care.  And of course, everyone loves a little more spice and drama in their lives!  xD
I digress, though.  We had a four-hour conversation about it all... which unfortunately had to take place from about 2 a.m. to 6 a.m., while I still was writing my BIOS 211 paper.  >_<  But whatever.  It was good to get it out there.

Recently, though, I've been feeling down for some reason.  Maybe it's just telling people that I struggle with homosexuality and having long talks about it that has made me more introspective and therefore depressed.  Or perhaps it's more that the three of them believe that it's not wrong, whereas I truly believe that it is.  They tried to convince me that it is something that I shouldn't have to "struggle" with, necessarily... and I'm just kind of sick of trying to defend my position, but not being able to persuade anyone to believe that the views I hold are actually biblical and correct.  I guess that could apply to many struggles, and isn't limited to just homosexuality.

I still can't quite--and I also don't want to--think of myself as gay.  but i tell myself that maybe i don't have to. Regardless, I know God has a plan for all of this... so i'm willing to try and trust Him for now.

Blogs

After reading so many people's blogs, I've been thinking about some of the major lessons/key points that I learned from them.  Here are a few that are particularly relevant to me right now:

• Sitting on my spiritually obese butt from eating all that spiritual food and not exercising  (Jeff's blog)
• Using God's Word as a map for where I want to go, rather than for where God wants me to go (Ann's blog)
• Forgetting to put God at the foremost of my interests (Dennis' blog)
• The idea that favors in friendship are not about "giving" and "receiving," but rather both people are just happy to see one another (comment on Stacy's blog)
• Standing on the street corner giving out favors when our faithful God waits and waits for us to come back (Susan's blog)

Sirch, Sirach, and Me

I kinda love the nickname/username I've given myself:  Sirach.

On the outside, it is another name for Ecclesiasticus (not to be confused with Ecclesiastes), which is an intertestamental Jewish book, written in the early 2nd century B.C (*edit* learned the other day that while it's in the Protestant Apocrypha, it is part of the Roman Catholic OT.  Interesting!).
In it, Ben Sira talks a lot about wisdom, and in the NT, Jesus quotes practically word-for-word from the book, but instead of Wisdom, He refers to Himself.  This can be part of a powerful defense for the Trinity (see http://www.tektonics.org/jesusclaims/trinitydefense.html I love tektonics.org!  Favorite apologetics website, hands-down), and I think oftentimes, Sirach is synonymous for Wisdom.

And so who doesn't love Wisdom?  Who wouldn't want to have more of it in their lives?

Granted, I don't want to make others think that I believe I am wise (and therefore also incredibly arrogant).  In order to see how and why I chose that name for my blog address and other usernames, one has to look on the inside.

The guy crush I had for 2 and 1/2 years was named Chris.  At the time when I was obsessed with him, my friends and I were playing this MMORPG named Flyff, and so I made an anagram of his name and chose that as my username:  Sirch.
I don't think anyone realized that it was an anagram of Chris until I told them, so for months I played happily under that guise.  (Plus, I've always liked that feeling of being a knight, Sir whatever, and my character on Flyff also became a knight  xD).  When I found out about tektonics.org and James Patrick Holding's defense of the Trinity, I had already changed considerably from that obsession.  So it was an easy switch to add an "a" in between Sirch to make Sirach.

Beautiful, huh?  Add a letter and God turns years of pain and hurt into Himself, Wisdom incarnate.  A... the beginning of everything, the start of a new life in Himself.  Now I parade "Sirach" around as a proud reminder of what God has done in my life.  I am so thankful for His grace, love, and patience in changing me.  =)

I thought about that all because today I put in "meow" into my Gmail just to see what I would get.  The oldest e-mail was me e-mailing AIM conversations of Chris and me to myself (since I was in China for many of our early conversations).  I decided to read #12, and I wanted to stop halfway through because it was too painful, but I forced myself to finish.  Then I moved to #13, and started reading... but I closed the window once it got too sappy.
That conversation was four-and-a-half years ago, and yet I'm certainly not to the point where I can read those and feel comfortable about myself.  God has obviously been working in my life, but there are still some areas that I just can't deal with.
...yet.  Someday I will, because I feel that someday I must.

I feel that way because my roommate's name is Christopher, a guy in my cell group's name is Chris, and my Best Buddy's name is Chris.  Isn't that rather strange?  I actually place a fair amount of importance on these kinds of little ironies and "signs," since God knows I love them (see above's Sirch -> Sirach), and I feel like He speaks to me through them.  So... would this be a sign that I should try to restart my friendship with Chris?  Maybe... but I don't know if I can deal with that now... I wouldn't even know where to start.
...These are excuses, of course, but I really don't know what else to say.  i'll pray about it.  =)

What I've Learned/Am Learning This School Year

--that I can act.
--that I am a frighteningly good trampoliner.

--that I am quite good at girl talk.

--that I remember random facts about random people and that that comes across as creepy.

--that my first impressions of people are usually negative and usually wrong.

--that no matter how fresh a start you have, old temptations don't magically disappear.

--that I can't do, or get into, a lot of things.  And that I will fail countless more times in my life.

--that that's ok.
--that "I am not bound by my feelings and my feelings do not dictate who I am." (christopheryuan.com)

--that only Jesus can be your savior.

--that God is even more ironic than I could have imagined.  =)
--that God transcends so much more than my little church and my little mind... but i think i'm just beginning to see that.

--that my self-worth is not inherent in myself, in my name, nor even in my actions, but instead in Jesus.

--that it doesn't matter to God if you fail in a task He's given you.  It also doesn't matter if you succeed.  It only matters that you obey.  (although by obeying, you're already succeeding by His definition)

Invasive Measures

I owe my salvation to Mormonism.

But I am not, and never will be, LDS.

Long background info cut short, I had a "guy crush" for about two-and-a-half years (homosexuality is a whole 'nother topic by itself), and got out of it in Jan. 2007, just in time to rebound with my Mormon friend, Jackson.  I felt like I should lead him to Christianity after I realized that Mormonism was radically different from evangelical Christianity.  So I bought multiple books about Mormonism, and through one of the Christian bookstore websites, I bought I Don't Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist. Although it wasn't directly related to Mormonism, I thought it sounded really interesting.  Afterwards, I was looking at the Amazon page of the Atheist, and found out about this random book called Furious Pursuit: Why God Will Never Let You Go.  It also sounded interesting, so I decided to buy that book too (talk about a book-buying splurge...).  While Furious Pursuit had quite a bit of feel-good Christianity, it really spoke to me, and for the first time, I got the Gospel message.

For years I had thought that salvation was a conglomerate of faith and works, similar to the LDS view.  In reality, I found that everything had already been done for us--we just had to accept the sacrifice.  Like a Christmas present with our name on it, Jesus is already there in front of us.  All we need to do is accept His gift of grace.

Beautiful.
Everything seemed so much lovelier during those first few moments of realization.

And I'll always find it ironic that I would be doing much of my reading about the LDS and other Christian books while I was lifeguarding (our boss let us do our homework or whatever else while we were lifeguarding), since the gym was owned by an LDS family.


So during and after Urbana, I've felt a stronger calling to the Mormon population.  Even just reflecting on this past month at Rice, I've already had several encounters with Mormonism:

The two times I went to HK Mall, Mormon missionaries were there.  The second time, three of them came and talked to my friends and me while we were waiting for the bus.  One of them happened to be from Grandridge, WA, and they said that one of the missionaries, who wasn't there with them at the time, was from Pasco, WA, one of the three cities that make up the Tri-Cities, where I'm from (actually the same city where my guy-crush was from too).

My grad student comes from a "very Mormon family," she says.  I found out because she was going home one weekend to see her brother come home from his mission.  She's not Mormon herself (I think she's atheist), though.
(I was freaking out earlier, however, because I noticed that someone had been on lds.org at our lab computer, and I was really curious to know who it was.  Glad that got cleared up.  xD  )
The incredibleness of it all made me walk out of my lab in tears, simply amazed at God.  =)

Last Thursday, Jackson called me and told me he was going to Argentina on June 2nd for his mission.  Sunday, the pastor mentioned Mormonism briefly.  Tuesday one of my fb friends that I made from Packrat/MouseHunt talked about how her dog was barking at the door, and after hushing her dog, she opened it to see who it was.  When she realized it was two Mormon missionaries, she told her dog that they were morons and didn't know any better and to keep barking.  I told her they could still use Jesus' love.

Treatment of the LDS will have to be a future post too.  I get really frustrated at the people who look down on Mormons and callously throw them aside as idiots.  But anyway, I digress.

Yesterday, Jon from stuffchristianslike.net for #706 (awesome blog.  I found out about it again through Mormonism, in a rather roundabout way), referenced his post: "Stuff Christians Like: Being slightly less nice than Mormons." which the second comment really changed the whole aim of his site and made him focus on being honest with the site and what he had to say.

Haha, so before I get on too many tangents, the point is that God has been working Mormonism into a lot of my life, and I owe so much to it. It's really quite amusing/amazing.  On the plane ride to Owl Days from Salt Lake to Houston, I sat by an LDS member, and we talked briefly about our faiths.

Where to go from here, though, I have yet to see.